Hey people I got bored and I'm procrastinating so that I can avoid doing homework which I desperately need to get done so I added
Eli
It's been a few weeks since the world went crumbling to pieces. Little E keeps asking to see Clare, but I know for that to happen I'd have to see her too. I avoid her at all costs at school and other than that she's never around. At times it feels like I'm going crazy. Even worse though is the humiliation…I walked down to hallway, intent on making it to my car before the rain started. Some guy was whispering about Clare to his friend.
"See that goth guy right there? The chick in the video is his girlfriend."
"Hey bro! Wanna say that shit to my face?"
"Hey man don't be mad at me, your girlfriend was the one doing to professor and I heard she still didn't pass the class."
I pushed him against the wall and before I could hit him I felt someone pulling me away. I looked around to see familiar blue eyes staring at me. Clare…I walked away with her disregarding the insults the guy was still yelling.
"You shouldn't have stopped me."
"If I didn't you could have gotten expelled."
"Thanks I guess."
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"How's Little E?"
"He misses you."
"I miss him too."
I didn't stick around to say much of anything else. Even though Clare cheated on me, I still have a weak spot in my heart for her. I don't need to be around her right now. That will only complicate things knowing that she doesn't want this… Knowing that she doesn't really want me.
Eliza has started picking Little E up from school on a regular basis so that I can work. When I got to the shop my dad called me into his little break room. I haven't told him what happened but by now he knows.
"How bad is it?"
"You mean the cheating or the leaving?"
"Both…"
"Well she did it with her professor and he taped it then leaked it to the entire school… But not before she expressed her feelings of being pressured and restricted."
"Wow… I never took Clare for the cheating type. This may or may not help but at least it was only one guy. Did I ever tell you that I wasn't sure you were mine when you were born?"
"No, you didn't dad."
"Well son, your mom was rather….let's just say…. She grew up in a house full of swingers so she liked to swing. I didn't know this and so when the day came and you were born not only was I looking at you through the window, so were five other guys. I got into a fight with two of them and your mom tried explaining, but there was no explaining…. Finally a nurse suggested we get paternity tests and well… you were mine. I was mad at your mom and hurt… So hurt but I don't know something wouldn't let me stay angry."
"Mom was easy…five other guys?"
"Hey, that's your mother. Sometimes I wish I hadn't immediately taken her back. I wish I could have gotten to know her again and rebuild but no… my dumbass married her and got divorced a year later."
"Wow."
"How's little E?"
"He misses Clare."
"You two need to talk this thing out. Don't let her run away from her duties as a mom, that's what I done with you guys and even though I know I done my best… I still knew Eliza was sad that I let her mom abandon her, I know that you wished sometimes that you had someone to cuddle you like moms do and I know Tommy wonders why his mom wouldn't even take his phone calls."
"Dad I just don't know what to say. I still love Clare of course but, would it be dumb to give her another chance? She broke my heart into a million pieces. This almost hurts as much as when I lost Julia. I don't know whether I'm coming or going and I just feel sick whenever I think about the video of her just…."
"Go home Eli. Think about things. Think about what you can and can't live with and also where you want your life to end up."
"Thanks dad."
I went upstairs into my place and I started cleaning up. Dishes were starting to pile up in the sink and the carpet needed a vacuuming so I started tidying up the place. When I was cleaning I started thinking, what would be worse: Starting completely over or letting everything go completely. Either way none of the hard work and sacrifice from the past would matter. Both would guarantee a clean slate but only one would at least halfway ensure I'd get what I want in the end.
Eliza busted through the door with Little E and Kelly. Kelly was babbling and little E was walking with his eyes to the ground. He's been that way lately. Eliza sat Kelly down and then plopped down on the recliner.
"What are you doing up here?"
"I live here."
"Well how do you expect me to play aunt/nanny if you're here?"
"Dad sent me home. I'm supposed to be thinking."
"Ohhh…"
"How is she?"
"Sad, embarrassed, full of regret and resentment."
"Think she still has any love in her heart for us?"
"Tons… I think she had a moment of insanity, but even those come with a price to pay right."
"What would you do?"
"What did I do? You're forgetting I got cheated on twice… At least Clare didn't get pregnant by Professor Witten. When Fitz cheated I felt like… I could have died. I felt like a puzzle missing a piece that could only be found in her. Only god knows the reason I actually decided to give him a second chance."
"So what would you suggest?"
"Talk… That's all I can suggest. Things will never be the same but, that doesn't mean it can't still be okay again eventually."
"Watch little E?"
"I'm supposed to be watching him anyway. Go while I'm still on the clock."
I texted Clare and asked her to meet me at the Dot. When I got there she was sitting at one of the tables outside. She had two coffee cups. When I sat down he slid one of them my way. It was a latte. She remembered I guess.
"What did he have that I didn't?"
"Nothing. I just did it on impulse."
"Did you know he was taping it?"
"No… I swear I didn't. I didn't find out until the day before he leaked it."
"Why didn't you talk to me before any of this Clare? Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to go out and be young?"
"I don't know Eli. I don't know… That would have been the better thing to do but I guess I just wanted to be crazy. It's like I wasn't myself. I haven't been myself for a few months. I mean I tell myself and everyone else that this is the life for me but I don't know which life I want. I love Little E, I love you… It's like I just lost who I am completely."
"Your cross."
"What cross?"
"The necklace you used to wear."
"I haven't worn it since…Since little E was born. I had to take it off during labor and delivery."
"You loved it."
"I used to love it and everything it represented. That was before my home and family because history. I made my own family but… now that's history too."
"Do you still love me?"
"Of course I do."
"Then see a therapist and find out who you are and what you want and need."
"Why?"
"Because Clare if you don't know who you are then neither do I. When you find out you are I can get to know you again."
"Can I come back home?"
"No. Not yet. You're a stranger to me right now. As far as I'm concerned I've never met you in my life."
"Eli wh…"
"We need to start over Clare. We need to start over so I can get to know you again because I don' know you."
"What about Little E?"
"I'll keep him during the week and he can stay weekends with you."
"This is going to be different."
"Yeah. Things might not ever be the same but… they might eventually be okay again."
"Promise?"
"Not unless you promise to communicate and get help and think before you act."
"I promise."
"Good because you're not only promising to me, you're promising to Little E."
I'll always know what she done and it will always hurt me but this once there can be redemption for us, for our family. We shook hands and I told her I'd give Little E to her Friday.
Fitz
My chest hurts and the IV's are irritating. I'm getting it back sevenfold all the bad things I've ever done. Who knew such a tiny piece of metal could do so much to a person? Of course we've heard what guns can do but until you're dealing with the result of a bullet ripping through your body, there's no way you can really know.
The beeping of the heart monitor is making me crazy but I can't get rid of it. If I do they will think I'm dead. So I guess I will have to endure it. I looked at the chair Eliza was sitting in. She's so big now and it's a boy. I always imagined my first son having my name but, I don't deserve to have my name passed down. I haven't been there for her but she's never left my side. Not only that but she's mothering a baby she didn't give birth to. My daughter Kelly. Seeing how giving and strong she is makes me feel crappy and I regret a lot of the crap I put her through when I was in the thrill of the cheat or just because I felt like being mean.
She was pregnant once before. She wanted to keep the baby but I cursed her out and I threatened to leave the city if she didn't get rid of it. I used her condition against her and that's when she agreed. All the way to the clinic she cried, and for two weeks straight after it was doen she was dead inside. Kelly was born seven months later. Eliza was angry but I acted like the victim.
All the times I've slapped her, shoved her, shaken her, choked her, talked bad to her… forced her to have sex with me… she should have had me arrested but she didn't. She should have run without looking back but she stayed. She stayed even though my very best friends told her to leave…. Yeah, I'm paying for being terrible now.
Clare
The dean had mercy on me even though she shouldn't have. I deserve to be expelled and banned. Who could imagine that St. Clare, a girl who'd vowed to stay pure until marriage would cheat on the only guy she's ever loved with a professor just because she felt like being reckless? I never saw my life going in this direction and I now see that none of the cheating or the sudden wild behavior was worth it. I still have my friends but my fiancé is gone. When we talked, I saw how hurt he was. I felt like I could have killed myself. I decided to go somewhere I haven't gone in years. Not since, right after my parents split. I donned my bible and I went to the women's church prayer group. This one wasn't at my old church, it was on campus but I figure that god doesn't care as long as you show up…
When I walked in it seemed like eyes were burning through me. They've probably watched the video too. I guess I've made a bad reputation for myself. What a change from high school… The group started.
"Tonight it seems we have a new face. Would you like to say something miss?"
"Hi everyone, I'm Clare."
"Hi Clare."
"I haven't been to prayer group since I was fifteen. I used to never miss a meeting but my life just became so complicated. Now I'm lost and I figure to find out who I really am now I should start at the beginning with who I used to be."
"Well Clare, we are glad to have you."
"I'm sorry, Clare, are you the girl from the video?"
"Yes. I am… It was a mistake and that person isn't me."
"I just asked because.. You never know the whole story of what happened and I think it's wrong for people to call you names and slander your rep based on this one video sent out by this one deranged perverted professor. Um… Last year I was just like you except, he never leaked the video because he was too busy trying to keep his wife and kids. Point is, I know Clare… Here, nobody will judge you. I'm Beth by the way. If you ever need to talk or you need a catchy comeback, or even just some advice about how to block out the negativity and stuff, I'm here."
"Thanks, that means a lot."
Tonight I learned that I done something bad but I'm not a bad person. Though the world may see that because of the one thing I done wrong, I have to remember that before I made my mistakes I was funny, supportive and strong minded…
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