Chapter 8: Lost Innocence

Bethany retreated into the little farmhouse. It was all she could do to keep from screaming, she…she hated this, Justin had given her an order, and she had obeyed…

But it was wrong!

She caught a glimpse of herself in the bedroom mirror, the simple farm girl clothes, the blouse, the leggings.

She hated seeing herself like this, like the deep roads had never happened, that the taint was not coursing through her veins.

She hated the Templar; she would have gladly given him the death he had desired.

But she hated herself far more…hated what she had become.

She tore off the blouse and leggings, she went to the small dresser and removed her warden clothes, and began to dress. The gambeson, the leggings, the belt, and gloves, her fury cooled as she saw herself in the mirror. She looked like a warden again.

It was better this way, better than pretending to be something she wasn't anymore.

Pretending that she was more than a warden, that she could still have a life outside the order that ship had sailed long ago, she was trapped.

Nothing could ever change that.

She sensed Justin approaching; she knew had followed her inside.

She shook her head; she had spared his precious Templar, what more did he want from her?

"Betts?" he said quietly, as he knocked on the door.

"I am changing Commander," she replied, "I shall be out shortly."

There was a brief pause. Bethany feared that he would order her to come out. She could not be around him just yet; she needed this privacy, to calm down, and center herself anew.

She did not want to imagine what would happen if he did not give her that chance.

"Very well," he sighed, "I'll be waiting in the sitting room; I would like to speak to you as soon as you are able."

"Yes Ser," she answered, she heard him go back down the hall.

The mage sighed.

She hated the fact that she could not simply sit down and talk to Justin without getting angry. She hated the fact that he reminded her of Carver. And most important of all, she hated that he made her think about herself, what she had been before the joining.

That was the worst thing of all.

Being in Ansburg had made it easy to forget. She was simply another warden there.

Here, Justin knew her; he knew who she had been before. It felt like he was comparing her to someone long dead.

She…she did not want to look at who she had been, if she did that, she would likely end up wanting to kill herself.

She…she could only endure so much.

He acted like he wanted to save her, that he could turn back time and give her back what the joining had taken from her.

That…was impossible, she was who she was. It was sweet for Justin to try, but it was a goal doomed to failure.

She was fine with who she was, and what she had become.

The mage frowned.

Most days she was…sometimes.

IOI

Justin paced back and forth. He was so angry with the mage, but at the same time, he felt a great swell of pity.

Maker's breath, what had happened to her in the last ten years?

Malcolm would have been horrified to see his youngest daughter ready to kill so indiscriminately. That was not how he had raised Bethany, Justin was sure of that.

What is best in me, not what is most base.

That simple phrase had been Malcolm Hawke's mantra, the underlying lesson for not only Bethany, but for Marian and Carver as well. Justin had come to respect those teachings.

He could not imagine what Malcolm would say if he saw Bethany now.

The mage finally emerged from her room, once again in uniform, she walked up to him and stood at parade rest.

"Is there something you need of me Commander?" she asked.

It was all he could do to keep his temper in check. He wanted to yell, to find out what in Andraste's name was wrong with her! Bethany Hawke did not threaten to kill young men who had surrendered! Killing for self-defense was one thing, but Bethany had almost committed murder.

He…he wanted…no…he needed…to have her talk to him.

"You were going to kill that boy," he said flatly.

"Yes," she replied flatly.

"And that doesn't bother you in the least?"

"I have killed before Commander," she reminded him, "It would not be the first time."

"Killing that boy would have been murder," he reminded her.

She did something then that surprised him, something that he never would have expected from Malcolm Hawke's daughter.

She laughed.

"Do you think this is the first time I have committed murder?" she asked, "Tell me Commander, have you ever stared into the face of a child infected by the taint?"

He shook his head no.

"I have," she said, her voice thick with pain, "An innocent little boy, whose only crime was surviving a darkspawn attack. Only he and his mother survived. The boy's Father had been killed, but not before he slew the genlock trying to reach his wife and child. The poor man had slit the creature's throat, spraying blood everywhere, it had even sprayed on the poor boy, some of that blood got into a cut."

Justin shivered.

"Stroud…he…he promised the boy's mother that I would help him. I…I held that boy in my arms, embraced him as a Mother would," Bethany flinched, she hated what came next, but Justin had asked and needed to hear this story. Stroud had called her very brave that day.

"I comforted him, soothed him. He…he said thank you for saving him, murmured it in my ear as he sat in my arms. When he stopped crying, when he dozed off I…I…" Bethany shook her head, she…she could not finish the sentence.

She still remembered the warm splash on her chest, the soft leak on her shoulder as the boy left this world.

The boy's mother had not known what really happened that day. She had believed that the child had died of a battle injury. The woman had thanked her for trying to help her son…actually thanked her.

The mage sighed, it had been very, very dirty business, but she had done it anyway.

She had to.

She gathered her strength and finished her story.

"Stroud reminded me later that I had shown the child great mercy, the taint would have taken him if I had not freed him. Freed him?" she laughed mirthlessly, "I ended that poor boy's life to save his soul. I became a murderer that day for the greater good. I gave up a piece of my soul to do what was needed. So if you ask me how I could kill a young Templar, a boy with the blood of countless mages from Kirkwall on his hands. I say that I would have no problem doing it. It would have been far easier than what I did to that poor child, a boy who was strong enough to survive the darkspawn, but was not strong enough to survive the taint."

Justin was speechless. He…he had never had to kill a child, not during his raiding days, or even during his time as a Grey Warden. Part of him wanted to pull Betts into his arms, to comfort her, to let her know that she was not alone.

But he realized that she would never accept his comfort, not now.

"Don't you pity me," she growled, "Don't you dare."

He remained silent.

"You are still new to the order, so you do not understand what is expected of you yet." she said with a wan smile, "You will have to do things that sicken you. I'm sorry if you do not approve of who I am, but I will not change to suit anyone. I do my duty, I am a good soldier, whether anyone likes it, or not."

She left him then, he was so young, so naïve by her reckoning, but he would learn in time.

Andraste help him, but he would learn.

IOI

There was nothing Justin could say, he…he could not imagine what had been through.

Commander Torrik had said that wardens did what was necessary to fulfill their goals, but what Bethany described, could he do that?

He did not want to say yes. It went against everything that Malcolm had taught him. Everything that Bethany had been taught.

Was this his future in the order? Would he become as cold and ruthless as Bethany?

She is not cruel.

The voice sounded like Commander Torrik, the dwarf who had led the lost Garrison before him.

It would be easier if she was cold and ruthless. She is pragmatic, she understands sacrifice bilge rat. This is the truth about being a warden, we sacrifice and do the truly harsh things, so that others do not have to, do not judge the poor girl, simply try to understand.

Justin clenched his fists, he did not want to accept that there would be times that he would not be able to save someone.

It was very easy to become jaded, to decide that there was no way out but the easy path.

He understood Bethany a little better now, the sacrifices she had made for the order.

But he refused to accept that she was beyond help. He still believed that underneath all that harshness, and pragmatism the girl he had grown up with was still there.

He owed it to Malcolm to help her if that was true, and more importantly, he owed it to Betts herself.

IOI

Bethany strode past her fellow wardens. Merrill and Serene were conversing with the bound Templar. Colo was finishing going over the dead mercenaries looking for anything of value.

She had no desire to talk to any of them. Her feelings were still raw, still too close to the surface.

She wanted…no she needed…to be alone.

She entered the barn, she plunked down on a bale of straw. She hated to admit it, but she would miss this place when they left.

It had been nice to pretend that she was free of the order, at least for a little while. She…

She froze, she felt magic, a kind she was unused to sensing.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Come out," she growled, "I don't like being spied upon."

The shadows parted, Andreas Wren stood before her. The healer approached her with caution, the caution that a man might use approaching a dragon's nest.

He sat down next to her.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

She laughed bitterly.

He sighed, it seemed that she was not.

"What do you want Birdie," she said shaking her head.

"Well," the healer shrugged, "I wanted to let you know that I believe you are right, about the Templar, Justin, and everything else."

Bethany gave him a surprised look.

"Justin is your friend?" she reminded him.

"He is, but he does not understand what it means to be a mage. He does not know what our people suffer at Templar hands, and if I might be so bold, I do not think that he is the right man to be leading us on this mission."

Bethany almost laughed, "The wardens won't follow you Birdie."

"No they won't," he smiled, "but they would follow you."

Bethany's eyes widened, what was he saying?

"When we were raiders, Justin was voted to become our leader because he was the most qualified to bring us success and profit. He is not the most qualified to help us defeat this Delance. You are strong, cunning, and have the warden experience to lead us successfully. I believe that Merrill would follow you given her relationship with your sister, Serene probably to. Colo…well…to be honest, I'm not sure where Colo's loyalties would lay on this."

"And what of you?" She asked.

Wren gave her an enigmatic smile.

Somehow, for some reason…it looked strangely familiar.

"Justin is my friend, but he said it best, we need to succeed here. I believe you would be the best choice to secure that success."

Bethany considered what Wren was saying. Justin's promotion to Commander had been a battlefield one, with only Colo to vouch for him. She could technically take command, few would consider it mutiny. She would simply be putting the mission into more stable warden hands.

And of course…the Templar would have to die.

That would be a necessity.

That did not bother her that much.

No…what was she thinking…this…this was insane!

"I will not betray Justin," she informed the healer.

"I'm not asking you to," he reminded her, "Just be ready if the change of command thing comes up, and know that you would not stand alone. I would gladly help you; we would gladly help Justin by doing so yes?"

Bethany looked down at her hands. Justin was not in the right frame of mind for this mission, she doubted that he could do what needed to be done.

If his conscience got in the way, she…she would need to do what had to be done to ensure this missions success.

Delance had to die; this was not about the Lost who had been killed in Kirkwall. This was not Justin's quest for vengeance. It was a mission sanctioned at the highest levels of the order.

It was her duty to do what was necessary.

Their history never entered into it, Justin would simply have to understand.

The old warden saying held true.

A warden did what she must.

She hoped that Justin would not force her to make that choice.

She truly did.