Okay, there are like... a thousand jillion places Zelda could have dragged me off to.
And which one does she choose?
The sewer entrance.
At first, I think this is a mistake. Um, the sewer is disgusting and what am I going to have to do with it? I look questioningly at Zelda.
"Well, this is it!" she exclaims happily, tossing her arms into the air. "The sewer!"
I sniff and wrinkle my nose. "... I could tell."
"All the, like, royal dump flows down under that manhole!" she says über happily, which makes me wonder if she's not some weird... weirdo.
"That's really great Zelda. It really is... Um, but what does that have to do with anything?" I ask.
She crosses her arms. "Ya don't need ta get all snippy Link. Or I won't help you. :("
I show my palms and shrug. "Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse me, Miss. Hey... how do you know my name?"
"Oh! Um, like, it's not like I've been stalking you on Facebook or anything... ANYWAY, down there is, like, the answer to the problem of the guard chasing you," she says. "Isn't that great?"
My mouth drops open. "Wait, what?! You mean that I have to come in contact with fecal matter to stop the guard?! NO."
"It's not all that bad. It's the only water source in a long way so it'll have to do. Here, I was saving this for other purposes but I think you should use it." She reaches into her dress and pulls out what I think is a gun. (Which I never really understood. People just randomly reach into their clothes and pull out some huge object that wouldn't have just fit in their pockets... But eh, whatever.)
She hands it to me and I look at it. Yes, it's definitely a gun but it's clear and has purple and orange levers and buttons and stuff. Also, it's made of plastic. Some gun.
I look at Zelda blankly.
"It's a Zorf gun! The Zora invented them, they spray water at things! It's sooo much fun! But it's empty so yer gunna have to fill it on up!"
I look between the gun and the sewer. The disgusting puzzle pieces start to fit together. Ah, man, that's nasty.
"So what you're saying is I'm going to fill this up with poop water and spray it at the guard?" I wail.
"Mmm-hmm, that's it Linky! Yay for you!" She beams at me and even though her idea literally stinks, she's sooooo cute... *googly eyes*
"Hey!" Siri shouts, vibrating in my hand. "What the heck Link? Why does she get to call you that?! Huh, huh? Link, you are prejudice against phones and you suck!"
I can barley even hear Siri though my state of puppy love. Zelda's so pretty.
"LINK!" Siri shouts snapping me out of my trance. I look madly down at her. An extremely upset angry face shows on her screen. "You are not fair! If she gets to call you Linky, I do too!"
I'm about to open my mouth to respond to that – although my words would probably be frowned upon – when Zelda suddenly cuts me off.
"Link, hurry and help me open this manhole! I can hear the guard coming!" she calls from her squat position above the metal hole in the grass. I bend over next to her.
I wedge my fingers underneath the heavy circular manhole and being straining to lift it up. With Zelda's help, I manage to fling it off into the grass and the overwhelming smell of something so NASTY fills my nose. Holy Golden Goddesses, that. is. revolting.
"Dust dwont smwell through yo nose," Zelda says nasally, pinching her own with her painted fingernails. And I try to do what she says but then I can, like, taste it or something and then I think I'm going to die so maybe it's better if I just stop breathing all together.
"Okay now what?" I say in between strategically-planned breaths.
"Nwow you cwimb down dere and fill up da gun," she says still sounding nasally. "But do it fwast 'cuz I can hear him gwetting cwoser!"
Now that she mentions it, I can hear the low brum brum of the chainsaw in the distance. But that deadly weapon can't even motivate me to go down in that hole. I don't think anything could.
"Link, what are you doing?! HURRY!" both Siri and Zelda scream in unison as the guard comes hurtling around the same corner we had ran passed earlier. I glance back down into the dark, smelly hole.
A wise man once said it's time to nut up or shut up.
I think it's time to nut it up.
With a deep breath of fresh air, I plug my throat and push Siri into Zelda's hands. With my own, I clench the gun super tight and back myself down into the hole. My feet find the ladder and I lower myself in further.
"Go, go, Link!" Zelda cheers from the sidelines. I can barley hear over my concentration of not breathing in. I think my eyelashes and eyebrows are singing off...
After I've lowered myself seven rungs, my foot suddenly falls into some water with a loud splash. I wince when the water spatters up and lands on my exposed legs. No amount of soap is going to make me feel clean again. EVER.
But I'm happy I don't have to go any lower. I take the Zorf gun in hand, pull back the bolt and dip it into the sludge. As soon as the muck touches my skin, my lungs pretty much explode so I let go of my breath and I heave in the thick aroma of something I'd rather not describe. Trust me, I think you'd vomit too.
I clench my teeth to grinding points, waiting for the thing to get filled and once it does, I fly back up the ladder. If I spent another minute down in that hole, I think I'd die and then my face would fall into the poop water and then the smell would be so strong it'd bring me back to life and then I'd be alive and swimming in POOP WATER!
I take in the sweet fresh air as soon as my head pops back up then I notice the guard is towering over Zelda huddled by the wall of the mansion. Tears fall down her face and she's screaming and I notice Siri's screaming and blinking furiously too.
Okay guard, you do not mess with those two ladies. Here comes the Linka-mysta...
I pull myself from the hole and take aim of the back of the guards head, licking my lips in concentration. Just as the guard brings the chainsaw down on Zelda, I pull the trigger and a beam of "water" flies from the barrel and hits the guard directly on the back of the head.
He stops almost instantly and turns to me, a look of rage plastered across his face, his disheveled hair hanging in his eyes. The right lens of his shades are cracked and froth hangs from his mouth. Man, this guy is crahrazy.
Without hesitation, I pull the trigger several more times, spraying him right in the face with the mucky water. And what sucks even more for him is that his mouth is open and he has no idea what kinda of water is filling his throat.
Then, I guess he figures it out because his face contorts into horror and a girlish scream expels from his throat. I aim the sight of the gun at his chainsaw next and spay the thing full of water. It gives a horrible shriek sounding like it's being chopped by itself and then pew pew pews out until silence fills the air. Huh, hijacking method. Gotta remember that.
The guard, face frozen in disgust, drops the broken chainsaw to the ground with a thud. A shaky hand reaches up to wipe his face free of the water. Some of it dribbles from his mouth.
"Y-you BRAT!" he screams, thrusting a finger at me. "Y-You utterly horrible, evil, vile little rapscallion! How d-dare you! I-I..." he trails off as tears fill his eyes and his bottom lip begins to quiver. "You brat!" He turns on heel, dashing off the way he came, crying and sobbing as he goes.
I watch as he disappears from sight and then rush to Zelda's side. She's not crying anymore but she's still shaking. I touch her shoulder carefully.
"Zelda? Are you okay?"
Her eyes turn to meet mine and she nods. "Yeah, I am. Thank you Link. You saved me..."
I blush and fix my shirt. "Well, it just felt right saving you for some reason. Weird, huh?"
She giggles and stands up, handing me back Siri. I take the phone gently.
"Link, you saved me too! Did that feel right?! Did it? Link...?!" she says. I smile down at her.
"Sure, Siri," I extoll.
"Awhahahaha..." she giggles and her screen goes black before shoving her into my pocket.
"So, now that that's over, now what?" I ask Zelda.
"We go back to my place. We have things to talk about."
Water drips from my wet hair and lands on my fresh clean clothes. I just got out of one of the showers at the Harkinian Manor after Zelda insisted that I wash the poop from me. I had absolutely no problemo with that. I wanted that stuff off ASAP.
She even gave me clean clothes, which were just to my taste: green cargo shorts, a green tank top and brown tennis shoes. My style.
I now sit on her canopy bed in her sheer pink room which smells strongly of peaches and strawberries. She sits at her desk on the other side of the large room, twirling the Spiritual Stone of the Forest around in her hands. It had fascinated her immensely whence I had shown it to her and she hasn't put it down yet. In fact, she hasn't said a word to me since she told me to get in the shower. Talk about hospitality.
At last, she looks up at me, putting the stone on her desk. "I dream about you."
I scoot backwards. "Um... what?" That was, er, random.
She shakes her head. "That, like, came out wrong, sorry. I mean to say that I think I've dreamed about you before. Like, prophetically."
"Oh," I sigh. I don't know if I should feel relieved or disappointed. "Prophetically? Whas that mean?"
"It means I was given the gift of insight and I dreamed about a boy coming out of the redwoods, hand alight with a gleam of a phone, carrying that stone," she informs me, swiveling on one of those cool spinny chairs.
"Ohhhh," I say knowingly, like I know what she's talking about. Truth be told, I have no idea. But sounding smart in front of girls is a must.
She looks at me stoically. "You don't understand, do you."
"Um, no," I admit.
"You see, the dream doesn't just involve you. I see the whole of Hyrule shrouded in darkness. A sad empty and cold feeling fills the air. But then you emerge from the forest with a beam of light. I think that a treacherous time is headed for Hyrule and only you can stop it, because your destiny is important!"
Her words ring a bell in my head. Hmmmm, now where have I heard something like that before? ..Because you have a fate deeper than the rest of us..
What the heck? Why do people keep telling me this?
"So, what do you suppose I do?" I ask Zelda. "What dark times are headed this way?"
"I think I have a hunch..." she begins when suddenly a knock at the her door makes us both jump. "I'll get it," she pipes and jumps up to swing open the door.
The man standing there... well, there's no words. First, he's GREEN. I guess someone just went too far with that spray tannin'... Second: He is big. Not redwood tree big, but he's probably tipping ten feet. Dayum. Third: Ugly. Okay, this guy is U.G.L.Y. Big nose, creepy golden eyes, red hair, ugly wrinkles, creep creep creeeeeepy.
Zelda gasps when she sees him and backs up a few steps. I stand up too and walk to her side.
The man's thin lips turn into a smirk. "Zelda," he says in a deep creepy mccreeper voice. He bows. "Miss Zelda."
"Ganondorf," Zelda addresses him, or more like spits out his name with utter distaste.
All of a sudden, I know I've seen this man before. That dream I told the Redwood Tree about. He's the one in the black Lamborghini. Oh! And that girl in the white car! That was Zelda. But... why would I dream of people I've never met?
Ganondorf looks down at Zelda mouth turned in a crooked smile and then lays his vision on me. I narrow my eyes and glare at him. Obviously, this guy is bad news. His smile falters a moment before looking back to Zelda.
"Madame, what are you doing locked up in this stuffy room on a day like this?" he hisses with a mouth barley moving. "Wouldn't you rather be playing outside instead?"
"I'll do what I want, Ganondorf," Zelda seethes. "What about you? What are you doing here? Wouldn't you rather be frolicking out in the sunshine?"
He laughs hollowly, making my bones rattle. It's official: this guy scares the bajeebus outta me.
"I was speaking with your father," he says coolly. "Just going over terms of the treaty. Stuff your tiny ten-year-old mind wouldn't understand."
Zelda looks ready to retort something but holds back. "Well, good for you but I'm busy so unless you need something, go away."
"Very well, Miss," he says and bows deeply, not breaking her eye contact. Creeeeeepy. "I will leave you two."
He stands upright and smirks once more before vanishing down the hall. Creeeeeepy.
After Zelda slams the door shut, she turns to me in a rage. "What a -bleep-!" she screams. "How dare he come and talk to me! What a... what a..." she searches for the right word.
"Peasant?" I suggest.
"What a peasant!" she finishes. "Thinking he can come and talk to me whenever! You agree that's wrong, right?" she asks me.
"Sure," I say. "Who was that?"
She turns from me and crosses her arms. "Ganondorf. He's the leader of a group of gangsters called the Gerudo who live in the rural part of Hyrule. He swears alliance to my father, but I know he is just faking. I believe he is the dark cloud covering Hyrule in my dream."
"I've dreamed about him too," I say. She looks at me eyebrows raised.
"You have?"
"Yeah, there's this one I have a lot..." I begin and rerun my dream to her. She listens intently.
"Then it's official," she declares once I'm done. "That Ganondorf is trouble, and we both know it. Sadly, my dad doesn't feel the same way. He doesn't listen when I try to warn him about Ganondorf. And it's so flipping frustrating! URG!"
"Dude, take a chill pill. He can't be all that bad can he? What's that green bean gunna do? Creep everyone to death?"
"You don't get it," she interrupts. "You see, when the Golden Goddesses crafted this world, they left behind an artifact called the Triforce which holds some of their power in it. The Triforce resides in the sacred realm, a secret place only known to some. With the three spiritual stones, a prized app kept only in the royal family, and a certain song, you can enter the sacred realm and take control of the Triforce." She stops for air while I take it in. "If a good guy takes control of the Triforce, the sacred realm turns into a pretty, beautiful place and he gets a wish obviously used on good. But if a corrupt hand touches it, then the sacred realm will turn into a living h-e-double-hockey-sticks and his evil wish will be granted."
"Go on," I say.
"And Ganondorf, who is more corrupt than anything, is after the Triforce!"
"*gasp* No!" I say in audacity.
"Yes!" she responds, pounding a fist into her palm. "And I – we – can't let that happen! Link," she says and steps super close to me, popping my personal space bubble. She takes my hand. "Will you please help me ward off Ganondorf?"
I think about that. I've just been invited to help save... something. I'm not sure what because that story is still a little bit foggy but if I agree, I'll be doing something good. Hm... what should I do?
"No," I say flatly. "I think you're crazy."
"Link!" she whines, lips turning into a weird looking frown. "Please! I'm certain of it! I know this is true! So whadd'ya say? Please?"
"Fiiiiiiine," I agree. "Whatevs."
"Great!" she chirps and jumps in the air. "Thank you thank you thank you so much! This rilly means a LOT!"
I peel her off my arm and run a hand through my blond bangs. "Erm, so where do I start with this whole stop Ganny thing?"
"Well," she says and falls back onto her bed. "I think we should get to the Triforce before Ganondorf does so to do that, we need to get the other two sacred stones..."
"Perf!" I say. "Let's go get 'em."
"Oh... heh, heh, well," she begins. "Um, when I say 'we' need to get them, I mean you. Cuz, um, I DON'T WANNA GET MY NAILS DIRTY!"
I gape at her appalled. "Excuse me!? But I thought WE were going to do this together!"
"It's okay Linky! You still have mehhhhh," says Siri from the bed. I scoff at her and glare at Zelda.
"That isn't fair! Maybe I don't wanna get MY nails dirty!"
"But you promised!" whines Zelda, slumping and slapping her hand to the bed.
"Actually, I didn't..." I point out but she doesn't listen. She pops up off the bed and gets in my personal space again. Only this time, she stands on her tip toes and kisses me on the cheek.
"Please?" she whispers after she's pulled back.
OH. EM. GEE. Yup, dat right there just sealed the deal. That's all I need. Mmm-hmm. Totes. Yup, I'll do anything for this girl now.
"Sure thing Zel," I say, my eyes replaced by swirly hearts. "Anything for youuuuu."
She smiles warmly at me. "Yay! I knew you'd come though Linky. Now, the Spiritual Stone of Water is kept with the Zora's and the Spiritual Stone of Fire with the Goron's. Head there and come back when you've got them both, kayyy?"
"Yes, Zel," I say, still hypnotized. "Anything for youuuuu."
She ruffles my hair and giggles. "Okay Link. Now... GO!" She snaps her fingers and I return to my normal state. I shake my head, feeling as if I've been blacked out for half an hour.
Then I pick Siri up off the bed, who has shut off completely, and spin on heel, tripping my way back to the door, my cheek still tingling where she kissed me. I pull open the door and step out, wiggling my fingers to Zelda in goodbye and then stumble out, closing the door behind me.
Man, she is cute.
So caught up in my lovey-dovey trance, I hardly notice when I bump into someone. I back up and stare into the red eyes of a tall silver haired woman.
"AWHOA!"
"Hmmmm," she growls, glaring at me. "Watch where you're going, son." Then recognition flares across her face. "Oh! It's you. My apologies, Link. Now, before you head on your journey, I have something I must tell you."
"Uh... sure, I guess."
"Hand me your smart phone," she instructs and I do so. She taps it against her own, Siri beeps familiarly and then a message pops up saying:
You just learned Zelda's Lullaby!
Yay, another song...! :/
"I'm Impa," the lady tells me. "A Sheikah, also Zelda's guardian. I'm supposed to lead you out of the mansion. But I have other business so you can go out yoself. Just tell 'em I sent ya and you shouldn't have trouble with the guards, capeesh? Capeesh."
Then she takes out what look like seeds, chucks them to the ground and... disappears! Whoa! Mega cool! Sheikah must be magicians! That's cool.
And so I begin on my journey all by myself to find these water and fire stones...
Well, there you have it. Mr. Gannydorf was introduced, one of the three biggest characters in this! And due to that, I kinda toned down the humor just to show that that was some serious stuff going on. Also with the whole sacred realm thing, that took me forever to try and summarize shortly. [But trust me, there's a spin on that too, so it's not the same as in the normal OoT.] I find it hard to summarize huge things that play key roles like that does... Originally, I was going to have Link puke all over the guard after going down the sewer but I liked this better... I rewrote it about twelve times because I didn't like it and then at the end I just got lazy with the whole Impa thing so sorry about that. I just needed to have her in there and all... I might go back and edit that whole mess later but for now, I'm just glad it's out there. So, hope you guys like it! :3 And thank you SO MUCH for all your comments and reviews! They really mean a lot! :')
