Disclaimer: Does anyone actually check every fanfiction to see if one of these dealies is in every one? That's pretty pathetic. I have a better job than that dude, and I'm a babysitter who aspires to work at Dunkin' Donuts next summer.

Chapter Seven—Take Me To Colombia!

Kay, homeslices. I KNOW AIM wasn't around in the eighties. Too damn bad. The Bachelor wasn't around then either. Anyway, that's like the whole point of this chapter. Screw you, historical accuracy. You bitch.

This chapter is dedicated to Raoul. You probably don't get that. Oh, well.

Sirius woke up the next morning, feeling well rested, lovesick, and sexy. He rubbed his eyes groggily and got up out of bed, thankful that, for once, he hadn't been woken up by a slut or (highly) suspected homosexual.

Sirius went to the door, missing the girls. His bonds with the remaining ones had gotten so much stronger lately. They were all more eager to spend time with him now that one of their major conversation topics was gone.

Their hatred for Shea.

He turned the doorknob. It didn't budge. That was NOT normal doorknob behavior in Sirius' mind.

He resolved that the only solution would be to push the door harder. That didn't work. Then he remembered something that many Wizarding toddlers know. There was a spell to unlock the door.

Sirius pulled his wand out of his pants (A/N: you guys are all perverts! Get your mind out of the gutter!) then he went up to the door, muttering "Alohamora!" he wriggled the doorknob.

Nope. Nothing.

His first thought was to be scared for his life. Then he realized he was locked in a house with a blatantly metrosexual man and several fangirls, who wouldn't let him die.

But would love to lock him in here and have their way with him. Several words sprang into his mind. One of them started with a "B" and ended with an "Ondage."

He turned around and surveyed the room. he immediately noticed something odd about it. There were…things…there that weren't normally there. One he immediately recognized as a Wizarding device that looked like a platter.

Well, it was a platter.

A magical platter. (Now that you've read this part, say "Platter" ten times fast. Isn't it a weird word?) You told it what you wanted to eat and that foodstuff immediately appeared. He "ordered some scrambled eggs and bacon. And toast. And sausage. And porridge. And Pop Tarts. They sent him Berry instead of Double Berry. Bloody wankers. After his light meal, e turned his attention to the second item.

It looked like a big box attached to another big box by wires. There was a button on the one box (which looked like a TV and microwave combined) that was glowing yellow, and it looked like a circle with a line thru it. He pushed it. The box made a whooshing noise. Sirius screamed and threw his hands into the air. The box turned out to be a screen, on which a little yellow man was now running.

Wait a second, Sirius knew what this was. It was a computer. Lily had been talking about it the other day. That meant that the tiny yellow dude must be the AOL guy. Yes, his Muggle Studies class was all coming back to him now.

He tentatively tiptoed closer to the box.

BING!

Sirius screamed and prepared to duck. Then he saw that a grey window had appeared on the screen.

The user ".:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:." has sent you a message. Do you wish to accept?

After Sirius figured out how to work the mouse, he clicked the "Yes" button.

.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: Sirius, it's me, the host. Today the girls will not come into contact with you, but you will still eliminate one.

At this time, Sirius noticed that he was logged in as "Sirius." No, that would never do. Sirius, who was learning fast, too fast, even, to question the "Take me to Colombia" thing (Which really wasn't even that fruity), clicked on the "New Screename" button and proceeded to do just that.

SiriuslyMe: How am I going to do that?

.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: You will have an internet conversation with all the girls, and they will never reveal their identity. The only clue you will have as to who they are will be their screename. Then, you will vote off the girl who you think was the worst Buddy. You won't know who that is until she's gone.

This could be potentially bad. There were some girls he really didn't want gone yet.

SiriuslyMe: When does it start?

.:.TaKeMeToCoLuMbIa.:.: Now.

Another window popped up on the screen. Sirius clicked "accept."

IceQueen (Of The World): Hey, Sirius.

SiriuslyMe: Hey.

IceQueen (Of The World): How are you?

SiriuslyMe: Locked in a death chamber, but otherwise, I'm cool.

IceQueen (Of The World): I got really mad at them for locking you in there without saying anything. those bastards.

SiriuslyMe: LOL thx.

BING! Another message box popped up.

BrunetteBookworm612: Hi.

SiriuslyMe: Hey, BB. Sup?

BrunetteBookworm612: nmu?

SiriuslyMe: sos

BrunetteBookworm612: being locked in your bedroom is the same old st?

Aha. So this one doesn't curse. BING! Two windows popped up at the same time. Not normal. He thought the girls were all supposed to IM him individually. Oh, well.

IlUvSiRiUs143: Hello, darling.

SiriuslyMe: hi…

He clicked the next window.

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: Hey, Sexy.

SiriuslyMe: Who is this?

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: The woman of your dreams, babyyy.

Oh, crap on a stick.

SiriuslyMe: Shea?

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: The one and only, Lover. I'm back in the house and I know you still want me.

He snorted.

SiriuslyMe: How'd you get back in?

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: I have my ways.

Even a British wizard like Sirius knew there was only one way to do that in Hollywood.

SiriuslyMe: OMG! YOU'RE SCREWING THE DIRECTOR!

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: True. But that's not who I want to be screwing…

Sirius cringed. So Shea was back in the house…she was the director's girlfriend, for lack of a better word. Actually, there were a lot of better words, but none of them are very nice. Screw that, I'm writing them anyway.

SiriuslyMe: You whore!

(And there's just one. Now explore your imagination and add some more)

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: Right again.

Sirius rolled his eyes. he wasn't really that surprised.

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: It's free for you, tho, Lover.

Yecch. Sirius exed out the box, turning back to the first one.

IlUvSiRiUs143: Where are you, Siri? My time's running out.

SiriuslyMe: Sorry, gorgeous.

IlUvSiRiUs143: You're making me melt, Sirius. I love you so much.

Sirius felt weird saying he loved a girl he didn't know the identity of, but at that moment, this happened:

IlUvSiRiUs143 has signed off.

Sirius assumed the girl's time was up. He looked at his other IMs.

All the other girls were signed off, except for Shea, who was trying to engage him in something he didn't really care to be a part of (A/N: Okay, NOW your minds can be in the gutter… I really don't even want to write it. But you all know what I'm trying to say. Sick, dirty minded readers…I still move you all).

Bing! New message.

It'salwaysraininghere: Hey, Sirius.

SiriuslyMe: Hey, love.

It'salwaysraininghere: sigh

SiriuslyMe: What's wrong?

It'salwaysraininghere: She's back.

Sirius knew that the other girls were in the same room as Shea. Suddenly, three IM's came rushing at him.

IlUvSiRiUs143: I hacked into the maintenance room's computer. Why the janitor needs a computer I'll never know. I love you.

Creepy. He skipped that one…

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: Baby, guess what I'm

doing now?

Okay. Yeah. No. next, please.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: Oh, Gods, She's back.

Sirius laughed at the Screename. This was the one he was clearly supposed to answer according to the show.

SiriuslyMe: Shea? I know.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: Bitch.

SiriuslyMe: I agree, for once. You know, when we were at Hogwarts, I used to stand up for her. that's over.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: It's so weird to hear you say that about her.

SiriuslyMe: ?

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: In my timeline, you and I were hopelessly devoted to each other since fifth year. You never even looked at another girl.

Sirius smiled. It was increasingly hard to connect to this girl when he had no idea who she was. Of course, he still loved her, but it would be better if he knew who she was.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: You still there, Siri?

SiriuslyMe: Yeah, Sorry 'bout that. How are you.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: too close to her. I think I may catch an airborne STD. If there were such a thing…the Slutbag would have it, though…I mean, if there was.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: The judge is spazzing. Someone stole his backup body wash and now all we have is unscented. He doesn't even have Midol to take his mind off it.

SiriuslyMe: What will happen to him if he takes that stuff?

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: Maybe he'll grow ovaries. Not that it would make much of a difference…

Sirius fell out of his chair, laughing hysterically. When he got back up to the screen, there was a new barrage of messages on it.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies: Well, Sirius, I have to go. My time's up. I really missed you today…I can't wait to see you…hold you…kiss you…again.

MonkeyNinjasAreMyHomies has signed off.

Sirius stared at the screen for a good five minutes. Wow. He was absolutely blown away by that last bit. It sure meant a lot more to him than the contents of the next window did:

IlUvSiRiUs143: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

Well, someone needs their Midol back. Okay, next message:

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: Hey again, baby. Wanna get the friction on?

Did the show even know she was on here? She was definitely not supposed to be IMing him.

Then, of course, there was the message he was supposed to receive.

Shinynewdishwasher: Hi

SiriuslyMe: 'lo.

Shinynewdishwasher: the bing noisethis computer makes is too loud; it's giving me a headache.

SiriuslyMe: ookay

Shinynewdishwasher: Stupid chirping birds outside my window. They are 2 loud 2.

SiriuslyMe: That's nice.

Shinynewdishwasher: everything is too loud.

SiriuslyMe: Fascinating. Are you all right?

Shinynewdishwasher: I don't feel so good.

Sirius got no more messages from Shinynewdishwasher…whatever kind of name that was. He heard a retching noise form the bathroom down the hall.

BING!

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: Hurry up and get out here, or I'm getting it on with Steve.

SiriuslyMe: Steve?

IWanNAgETtHeFrICtiOnoN69: My boyfriend?

Oh, right. Sirius pressed the big red X in the corner of the box.

IlUvSiRiUs143: Sirius, are you listening?

Hasn't she only said three words?

IlUvSiRiUs143: Sirius, I LOVE YOU.

Yes, funnily enough, he was able to figure that one out.

IlUvSiRiUs143: I want you to leave this house immediately and run away with me, so that we could live together forever and ever.

IlUvSiRiUs143: I love you so much that I don't care about that contract.

Good thing Sirius knew what the block button was for. He sighed, and then used the magic platter to order a hot fudge sundae.

BING! Oh, right. One girl left.

EyesByStarlight: Hi, Sirius.

SiriuslyMe: Hey.

EyesByStarlight: I knew this contest would get nasty.

SiriuslyMe: It's all Shea's fault.

EyesByStarlight: My poor Sirius…

SiriuslyMe: I'll manage. I'm pretty strong.

EyesByStarlight: hehe…

SiriuslyMe: What?

EyesByStarlight: Nothing…

EyesByStarlight: okay, I g2g, but before I do…take this.

EyesByStarlight:

You know you are in love
when you see the world in his eyes,
and his eyes everywhere in the world

EyesByStarlight: Just a little quote I love.

SiriuslyMe: ...

EyesByStarlight has signed off

Needless to say, Sirius had been rendered speechless again.

He was lost. Among the return of Shea, her constant badgering, the million I love yous that were now meaningless, and the thought of someone taking Ricardo/Homer to Colombia (whatever that meant), there were two girls he was absolutely sure he was in love with.

Too bad he didn't know who they were.

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Dinner that night was chaotic. They weren't being filmed this time, so all members of the stage and productions crew were eating with them, unfortunately, this included people who were sleeping with any member of the stage or productions crew.

Shea was glaring at all of the girls, and Sirius was pretty sure she was trying to play footsie with him. Liza, sitting next to her, frowned.

"Sirius, would you pass me the pumpkin juice?" Liza asked him, her gold eyes shining mischievously.

"Sure, Ly. Here you go," he said, passing her the jug full of orange liquid.

"Thanks," Liza said, pulling it over to herself. The jug tilted and shook in her hand. Daphne, who was on Liza's right, reached for the jug, but it was too late. The bright orange liquid had spilled…

All over Shea.

Very few of the girls (read: just Samantha) tried to conceal their laughter.

Many "accidents" befell Shea before the dinner was over. Jade dropped the bowl of mashed potatoes over her head. Michelle lit her shirt on fire when she went to light the candles on the cake. The shirt was still damp, so she was all right; whether that was a good thing or a bad thing Sirius didn't know. At the end of the meal, Kristin (still hung-over from last week…she had taken the "hair of the dog that bit you" thing to a new level, apparently) passed out again.

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The moment of truth…again.

Sirius,

This rose ceremony is going to be done a little differently. You must pick the girl you want gone and announce her name in the rose room. we can't have you announce the girls you want to keep because then it'll be too easy for you to figure out who is who. Pick a screename and get out here.

So he didn't even get to see the girls before this rose ceremony, he just had to eliminate one. He gathered up the six roses and went into the rose room. he already knew which girl was gone.

When he announced the screename of the girl, they all stood still for a minute. Then Tracie let out a scream.

"NO! Sirius! how could you?" she wailed.

"Trace…you were, like, stalking me, it was pretty creepy," Sirius said.

Tracie had to pack her bags and leave the house immediately.

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And now, for everyone's (again...mine) delight, this…thingy.

SiriuslyMe: Hello?

Padfootandme4ever: hi…

SiriuslyMe: Nice sn

Padfootandme4ever: Thx.

SiriuslyMe: Who are you?

Padfootandme4ever: I'm the author. I rule.

SiriuslyMe: I see that…

SiriuslyMe: So…author…

Padfootandme4ever: Jessica…

SiriuslyMe: Right…Jessica.

SiriuslyMe: Wanna run off together, fall in love, get married and have my kids?

Padfootandme4ever: Sure!

SiriuslyMe: Okay…this stretches the boundaries of the typical Author's Note…

Padfootandme4ever: Shut. Up. Okay, everyone, don't forget to vote! Your votes count every new chapter, not just once! So, you can vote again!

SiriuslyMe: Wicked. Oh, and, readers…don't forget to guess what you think each girl's SN is…not that it's incredibly hard.

Padfootandme4ever: yeah, until next time!