Maura

I looked up from the report I was working on and forced myself to smile as Jane walked into my office, when what I really wanted to do was fall down and beg her to tell me what was going on. "Hey. You looking for the tox screen on the Martinez case?"

"Not why I came down, but I'll take it," Jane said in a cheerful tone, but I can tell she wasn't truly feeling that cheerful. She was stressed, and was looking for some sort of release. My mind, unhelpfully, provided several ways in which I could help her relieve stress, all of which are of a sexual nature. I knew I needed a distraction for myself, before I said something that would make things uncomfortable, and my mind latched onto the first thing, other than the desire to copulate with my best friend, that it could find.

"I missed you at lunch today." Unfortunately, that topic was no safer.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I dragged Frankie, Korsak and Frost over to the Dirty Robber for some junk food and a friendly beating or two."

"Oh," I said. The word sounded off in my own ears, full of the hurt I felt. She'd left me out, again. Excluded me, again. Jane looked over at me, and I could see the concern on her face at my tone. Before she could speak, I broke, and just blurted out, "Jane, did I do something to upset you?" The question sounded whiny and needed, and I was immediately embarrassed, but I couldn't take it back. I didn't really want to.

Jane looked surprised at the question. "No, Maura. Why would you think that?" I can see the concern clearly written in the micro-expressions on her face, bit I also see fear. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I decided to be honest. I know that my directness might annoy her, but I've never been good at fishing for information like she does. "You didn't want to talk to me Saturday night, but you lied about your stated reason, and today you excluded me from your lunch."

"I didn't..." Jane stopped. I waited for her to continue, trying to be patient, but feeling little more than a sense of helplessness. After nearly a minute, Jane sighed and looked down at the floor. "You know, sometimes that face reading thing is kind of annoying."

"You're telling the truth about that," I said, hoping to lighten the mood. It worked. Jane laughed and looked up at me. Her smile made my breath catch, because I knew that smile. It was the smile I'd only ever seen her direct at me. The one she wore when we shared some private joke, or when I'd done something that made her happy. That was the smile she'd given me when she'd gotten off the track at racing school.

As strange as it sounds, I both loved and hate that smiled. I loved it because it makes me feel things I had difficulty understanding. When she smiled at me like that, I felt warm, I tingled, and I had mild difficulty breathing. The first time it happened, I thought I was having a heart attack. I hated that smile, because in the dark hours of the night, when I lay wake, thinking of Jane, and the relationship I truly want with her, that smile taunted me, giving me hope that maybe, just maybe, she did love me. Jane, unknowingly, teased me, taunted me, and led me on with that smile.

"I'm sorry Maur," she said, and I could hear the pain in her voice, and see it written on her face. "I really do want to tell you what's going on. I'm just having trouble getting up the nerve, right now."

I looked at her and tilted my head slightly, trying to imagine what could be so bad that she'd think it would make me reject her. "That-"

"Is only one of the reasons," Jane said, cutting me off. I realized immediately that she thought I'd managed to read that she was only telling me a half truth from her face. I hadn't, but I decided to keep that information to myself.

"Just give me a couple of days. Please." Her voice tore at me, because I could honestly tell that she was in pain, but she was only making me more nervous, more afraid, and I wanted to demand an answer. To pull the truth from her.

I didn't do it, because I could tell that whatever was going on, she felt like she needed time, and while I didn't always give Jane what she wanted, or what she said she wanted, I always, always gave Jane what she needed. "Okay. I hope you know, I don't mean to pry. I'm just confused, and I want to understand." It's a larger admission than I intended to make, but it was true, none the less.

Jane nodded. "Are you on call this weekend?"

"No," I said, a little frustrated at the change of subject.

"You have a date Friday night?"

For a moment, I was surprised at the question, but then I remembered I hadn't told her that Mark and I had split up. It just didn't seem important enough to mention. None of my breakups ever did, which said sad things about my relationships. "No. I broke up with Mark, and I don't plan on dating again for a while."

"Oh. Yeah, I think Ma mentioned that. I'm sorry, Maur. I've been so caught up in my own crap, I've been neglecting you. I should have asked if you were okay."

I felt a small surge of warmth at the apology and the sincerity behind it, but I don't want to cause her anymore distress than she's already under, either. "That's okay," I said, and I meant it. After all, I'd hardly noticed he was gone myself. "I know you didn't like Mark."

Jane opened her mouth to say something, but stopped, then smiled. "I suppose there's no point trying to lie about it."

I couldn't stop myself from grinning. "No, there isn't." I gave Jane my best 'thoughtful' look. "I've noticed something of a pattern. If I date someone, you are guaranteed to hate them."

"Hey, I've liked some of your boyfriends!" Jane protested.

I raised an eyebrow. "Name one."

"Well, there was... um... what about... God, Maura, you have horrible taste in men."

She said it with such certainty, and I probably should have been offended, but instead I burst out laughing, because honestly, it was true. Jane managed to keep from laughing for about two seconds longer than I did, but when the musical sound of her laughter filled the room, it made everything else seem to disappear for a moment. We were together and laughing, and all was right with the world.

When I got my laughter under control, I tried my best to glare at Jane, but I'm sure I failed miserably. "I want to argue with you, but if I did, I'd probably break out in hives."

Both of us started laughing again, though it didn't go on for quite so long this time.

"God, we're a pair, aren't we?" Jane said as she sat panting on the couch, trying to catch her breath.

I smiled at her. "I'd say you actually have a far superior track record when it comes to selecting potential mates."

Jane shook her head. "I'm not so sure about that. I did sleep with Gabriel Dean."

I made a face. The same one I sometimes made when I tried one of Angela's new recipes in the cafe. "True, and while I'm forced to agree with that being a definite low point in terms of your good judgment, I also feel bound to point out that, to the best of my knowledge, none of your exes are wanted fugitives or convicted murderers."

"I've never dated a trauma surgeon or a face licker either," Jane said with a smug grin.

I frowned. "I've already admitted that you have superior judgment in this regard, Jane. I see no need to belabor the point. Besides, I still maintain that Giovanni would have been perfectly acceptable for my purposes, provided he did not attempt to engage in conversation or higher cognitive processes."

"Or want to lick your face."

"That too." I nodded in agreement, but I couldn't help but grin. Giovanni himself had been a horrible idea, but the memory of Jane pressed against my back, her arms around me, with her crossed hands resting right at the top of my panty line always gave me a warm feeling.

Realizing I needed a change in subject before my thoughts took me somewhere that would require a change in undergarments, I asked, "So, what did you come down here for?"

"I missed you at lunch, and wanted to hang out for a bit."

"Really?" I smiled, the warm feeling I got anytime Jane talked about wanting to spend time with me spreading through me.

"Yeah," Jane said. "So, what do you say, Friday night, dinner at my place?"

I immediately want to say yes, but I know that Jane enjoys her usual Friday night activities. I don't want her to give them up just because I was feeling insecure, so I asked, "Don't you want to go to the Dirty Robber for drinks?"

Jane shook her head. "I'd rather spend the evening with you. Talk things out."

I wanted to get up, rush over to the couch where she was sitting, and kiss her for that simple statement. Unfortunately, such an action would likely give her a bit more information regarding my feelings than she'd be comfortable with. Instead, I decide to tease her. "Are you sure you aren't running a fever?"

Jane laughed. "No, Maur. I'm just tired of making the same mistakes all over again. Last time there was something going on between us, it took nearly dying to get us talking. This... Well, it may take me a little bit to get up the nerve, but I'd like to think we can manage it before I have to perform surgery on your leg."

I stared at Jane for a minute, stunned. She was rarely so open about her feelings, and I couldn't stop myself from giving into my impulses this time. I stood up and walked over to the couch, pushing the door closed as I went. I sat down next to her, and slipped my arms around her.

"I love you," I said. I knew it was safe to say it, because I knew she'd take it as a statement of platonic affection, even though the words meant so much more.

She wrapped her arms around me, returning the hug. "I know, Maur. I love you too. And I'm trying, I am. I just need a little time, Okay?"

I pulled back so I could look her in the eyes. "Okay, but I want you to know, there's nothing you can say that will change the way I feel about you."

She gave me a slightly pained smile, which made me think that she didn't really believe me, but her answer was a classic deflection. "Not even if I tell you I wanted to lick your face."

I smiled back at her. "Not even that. I would still love you, even while I was filling out the commitment papers for McLean."

"You'd really put me in the loony bin?"

"Yes, I think I would."