AN: This is the chapter where I want to play hide and seek with everyone and pray that no one finds me when they have the urge to seek… (shivers in fear) Although, I could always hope no one has that urge, eh? (shrugs) We'll see… We'll see… On an up note, though… Only 4 more chapters of the "From the Beginning" chapters and then we can finally MOVE ON WITH THE BLASTED STORY!!! LoL… I know, I have so much encouragement for the story, don't I? (NOTE the IMMENSE sarcasm there, mates… (shakes head So sad… Newhoz!! Plz, ignore me now… Go ahead with reading. Just don't hate me too much if you don't like what I wrote in here…
Disclaimer: You know the drill!
Just so everyone knows as the chapters start goin'
"… Talking…"
'… Thinking…'
"… Links…" (You'll find out about this more in later chapters… From what I can tell, not till chapter 13 or so…)
Anything else y'all need to know is in chapters 1 & 2… Enjoy!
Warning: Yes, I actually have one in this story! O.o -- (sighs and shakes head) I'm such a sad soul, I know… :p Neway! The warning in here is that of this…
Self-harm in this chapter! And in possible future chapters, but I'm not too sure yet. We'll have to see. If you don't like the whole idea of cutting or whatnot in stories, then shove off and don't read this chapter! So, consider this part a warning, eh?
On one last note, though… To my reviewer "Crossbow", the term "blocks" (if you don't know this already) refers to the term "men"… My friend Joey uses this term all the time (of course, he is gay. So that makes sense, eh? :p), so it just kinda stuck when I was writing the end of the last chapter up. (shrugs) I know, I'm nutterz… :p
Enjoy!!
Ut Necto: From the Beginning – Part Seven
The days, once again, began to pass with ease. Harry and Solamae spent most of their time together. And Severus could barely find moments when the duo weren't by each other's sides. It was the times when he heard silent crying that could barely be heard from a securely locked bathroom did he begin to notice the times when the duo were separate. These were the times when Snape knew that those cries were from his niece for the simple reason Harry would be on the other side of that door, practically begging to be let in. It seemed that not even Alohamora would work to unlock that door and let the Gryffindor enter.
Both would question the younger Snape as she walked out why she was crying and why neither were ever let in. But all they would get was a small, saddened smile and a shake of her head as she turned from them and walked off to her room. Harry would follow her to find her lying on her bed, curled to one side clutching a small photo of what he later found to be of Solamae's parents and sister. He would climb in next to her and gently wrap his arms around her slim frame in hopes of comforting her. She would turn in his arms and bury her face into his chest, where she proceeded to once again begin to cry.
But he never once dared to ask why she would cry, knowing that he would never receive a straight answer. And knowing that she would prefer he didn't. They would stay silent, Harry caressing her hair as Solamae cried out her anguish... And he would listen. Not once interrupting her. Not once saying she should stop and that everything would be ok... Not once saying everything will turn out right and things would change, knowing it wasn't true.
And it wasn't until the eve of his sixteenth birthday did Harry realize why Solamae locked herself in the bathroom. Harry and Severus were once again standing in front of that same bathroom door, begging Solamae to unlock the door and let at least one of them in. When they finally began to give up and heard the cry decease did they hear the locks open, but the door stayed shut. Harry gave a quizzical look to his professor before reaching for the knob and slowly opened the door. And what they saw shocked them both.
Sitting there on the edge of the tub was Solamae, old tears mixing with the new silent ones as they slowly tracked down her cheeks, with what looked to be a muggle pocket knife within her hands. Her legs were outstretched in front of her; both legs as well as her arms held small, but deep, cuts scattered across her pale flesh. There didn't seem to be too many, but the blood trailing down in thin lines across her skin was enough to show how deep those cuts had went. But Solamae only continued to look down at the knife she held within her grasp, her silent sobs barely heard as Harry and Snape's eyes stared in horror at what the young Snape caused herself.
Harry was the first to snap out of his stupor as he walked up and kneeled in front of his friend. He gently reached up, slowly making sure Solamae wouldn't jerk away as if afraid something terrible would happen. But when she didn't even so much as flinch, he clutched Solamae's hand in his; not caring that one wrong slip and the knife would cut into his hand. And all he did was kneel there, waiting for her to talk. Knowing she needed to say what she wanted to so that he and Snape could help. It wasn't until Severus walked up beside them and took a seat next to Solamae on the tub's edge did the younger Snape's voice begin to whisper to them.
"Just so you both know, I don't have a death wish and I don't know why I've been doing this... Just like I don't know why I let either of you in just now. A-all I know is that... Is that I had to make this stop. I had to do something... And when I heard you two knocking at the door today... I-I just had to let someone in." Solamae lowered her head even more, her hand loosening slightly as the knife slipped from her and Harry's hands. The clatter of the blade hitting the floor going unnoticed by the trio. "I just wanted everything to end... The pain, the memories... T-th-the dreams. But no matter what I did, nothing worked. And then I found that pocket knife in my father's old belongings.
"I-I... I don't know what came over me. The blade was out, and I reached into the box to grab it. But I nicked my finger on it somehow. And all I could do was watch the blood trickle down my finger... And all I could think of was how much the pain of everything in the past seemed to have slightly vanished... S-So I... I grabbed the handle and just sat back, marveling at how the blade seemed to have shine as I watched the spot of blood on the blade just streak down till it hit the handle..." Her voice seemed to have softened here. "I don't know what it was, but something drew me to sliding the silver piece across my arm. The cut was so small, but then watching the blood come out... It was like everything disappeared... Like it was that would make everything just disappear for a little while...... And it did...
"But the last couple of days, it's all worsened. The pain started coming back; the memories and dreams were still there... But I couldn't..." Solamae slightly shook her head, as if not knowing what words she truly wanted to say. "It was like the cutting had taken over my will to stop, and I would just continue." Solamae snorted. "I don't even know how many marks I have on my body from all of this... I-I..." Again, Solamae's voice quieted. "I just want it to stop."
They trio went silent once again for a moment. No one seemed to take heed of the fact when Snape had left, coming back a few moments later with vials of a healing salve in his hands. Solamae's eyes seemed distant as Harry grabbed one of the vials and proceeded to help the older Snape poor the salve across the young woman's skin; Solamae flinching only slightly as she felt the cold liquid slide across her arms and legs.
"When did this start?" Harry asked as has he continued to rub the salve on her legs to help stop the bleeding.
"A couple weeks back. When your friend, Granger, came to visit you."
'For that long?!' Harry's mind screamed out silently as he stopped what he was doing to look up at her. 'How could I have missed this?' And then it clicked. The times when Solamae would come from the bathroom, flinch as he or Snape touched her. The times when Harry would lean over to hug her after another of her sudden break-downs and how she would almost steer away and cringe lightly as he touched any part of her arms. Harry sighed and moved the salve aside so he could move closer to his friend.
((AN: This is where I duck and RUN!!! (hides under desk like a scared lil puppy dog) DON'T HATE ME!!! (cries) Ok, carry on… (still hiding))
"Fea," he began to whisper. "I know this all hurts. And I know why you do this. Trust me; I've been through it before." Solamae quickly looked up into his emerald eyes, confusion swimming within her own (as well as her uncle's), only to have both of the Snape's gazes move down to his arms as Harry lifted up his sleeve to reveal scares that the two Snape's thought would have disappeared oh so many weeks back when Severus had treated him for his uncle's beatings. Solamae could only look at the many scares as she lifted up her hand to trace over them. She then looked up at him once more, her eyes asking that inevitable question. "I know what you're thinking. Your uncle had treated me a little while back, so all my scars should have disappeared, right?" Harry sighed and lowered his sleeve, his eyes looking down at his hands. "My uncle never caused me those scars... I did."
"... Why?" Solamae's voice cracked.
"... Because I felt like I needed it. I felt like I had caused Sirius' death. I felt like I was a disgrace... I felt like I wasn't wanted... So whenever my uncle wasn't beating me, I was punishing myself by taking one of my aunt's knives and cutting into my skin wherever my uncle hadn't already cut me, bruise me, scratch me, or break me. Even when I moved here, it never stopped... When Severus treated me, I looked on my arms later that day to find all my scars gone. Every cut I made that I thought I deserved had disappeared... And I got angry at myself. I kept yelling at myself, saying that those scars should've still been there. So I ran down to the kitchens, grabbed a knife that I knew no one would miss, and started all over again."
At this point, Harry had looked up again and was looking into Solamae's onyx eyes. "For the longest time, I wondered why I continued to do it when I wasn't even with my uncle anymore. And I knew I wasn't going back. But not once did I ever come up with a reason as to why I ever did it. Just like you. And I still don't know why.
"I gradually started getting better and I mainly only do it when I blame myself for something too much."
"How often is that?" asked Solamae, neither noticing that Snape had yet to interrupt their conversation.
"Every couple of days, maybe. Depends on how bad the day was." The three were silent again. "You know you don't have to go through any of this alone? I know what you do to yourself and I know how it feels. To think that the feel of warm blood'll make all the pain go away, when in the process only makes things seem worse." Solamae looked down at her now healed arms, her fingers still tracing a few scars under Harry's sleeve. But her gaze didn't last there for long as Harry grabbed her chin and made her look him in the eyes. "I don't want you to go through this alone..." Harry whispered.
Solamae eyes' closed briefly, as though contemplating what to do next. When she opened them once more, her voice began cracking again as she spoke. "Then don't..."
Harry smiled sadly before he leaned over and grabbed Solamae into a tight hug, the onyx-eyed woman returning the gesture as she buried her face in the Gryffindor's shoulder. And Snape sat there, watching the two; not saying a word. Not even sure what to say. His niece, the woman he loved as his daughter, had been cutting. And the Potter boy did the same, without either himself or Solamae noticing. 'How did they manage to slip all this past me?' he questioned. But still not saying a word, Severus lifted the two up and guided them to Harry's room; coxing the duo to lie down and get some rest. And as the two fell into a light slumber, the Slytherin sighed and summoned a book from his library as he took a seat at Harry's desk; waiting for his niece and the Gryffindor to wake so the three could have a long talk.
Around three hours later, Professor Snape began to notice Potter waking, groaning as the early evening sun shone through his windows and into his eyes. Snape only raised an eyebrow before pointing his wand to the curtains and making them close. This seemed to greatly catch Harry's attention as he quickly grabbed his wand from his pocket and pointed it in Snape's direction while his other arm continued to hold onto Solamae as tightly as he could without waking her up. Again, Snape raised an eyebrow. "Well, good to see you still have those wonderful reflexes of yours, Potter," he drawled as he placed his own wand into his robes. Harry seemed to have hid his face slightly, turning somewhat to place his wand on his nightstand when he realized who was there and reached for his glasses. 'Hmm,' thought Snape, 'seems as though I hit a hot spot for Potter. Unless that blush of his is just my imagination.'
"Something you wanted, Professor?" he heard Harry ask.
"Last I checked, Potter, it was still summer. You have the right to call me by my name if you wish."
"I will when you stop calling me 'Potter' all the time."
Snape had to smirk at that comment. "Fair enough, Harry." Again, Harry hid his face. 'What is up with that boy?'
"You never answered my question..."
"Ah yes. There was something I needed from you. And if you must know what it is, I need to speak with you. As well as Fea. So now that you're awake, do you think you could wake my niece for me so we can get down to business?"
Harry sighed. 'I have a feeling I know what this is about,' Harry said to himself as he turned his direction to Solamae. "Fea," he whispered lightly, brushing a few of her hairs behind her ear to get a better look at her face. "Come on, Fea. Time to get up." Solamae finally moaned quietly, indicating she didn't want to get up but was slowly starting to wake.
"Wha'do you wan'?" she mumbled, reaching up one hand to wipe some sleep from her eyes.
"Severus says he needs to talk to us."
At this, Solamae's eyes widen as she quickly turned to see her uncle looking at the duo with a bemused smirk across his lips. Solamae groaned and turned her face into Harry's chest, hoping that would hide her enough that her uncle would leave. This only caused the older man to chuckle lightly as Harry tried to "unbury" her from his chest and make her sit up. When he finally managed, the two students were sitting on the edge of the bed. Solamae looking down at the floor, afraid to look up at her uncle, while Harry watched her with concern.
Silence reigned into the room; Severus waiting for one of the two to explain what was going on. When he was sure neither would say anything, he sighed and picked up his chair; moving it closer to the younger two so that way it didn't seem like he would have to scream in order for them to pay attention to him. So as he placed the chair down just in front of them and sat down to face them, he sighed and looked up at the two.
"You know, I'm not completely angry at what you did... Either of you." Harry turned, his eyes seemed confused yet somewhat relieved, where as Solamae just continued to look down at the floor. "I can understand that both of you are still grieving for your loses and that is completely understandable. Trust me, I've lost a good few in my life time to know how it feels. But I don't like the fact that either of you have resorted to cutting yourselves for whatever reasons they many be. And I wish one of you, or even both, would have at least come to me. I understand that I might not know the answers to everything, nor how to stop some of the pain. But causing more does nothing. And yes, it is hard to just stop because cutting is like an addiction. Once started, it seems almost impossible to go back." Here, Snape sighed. "So I want you two to promise me something."
"What's that?" Harry asked, his hand holding onto Solamae's as his professor spoke.
"That as long as this cutting continues, I want you two to talk to someone. I would rather you promise me that you would never do it again, but I can't ask someone something like that. It's like asking a person who is deathly ill to get better by tomorrow. Granted, I do want the both of you two stop. And if it takes years to have that happen, then so be it. Though, I'd rather it not..." Again, Snape sighed. "Fea," he whispered as his hand reached up to grab her chin, lightly forcing her to look up at him. "Like I said, I'm not angry. A little upset, yes. But not angry. I wish you could've talked to me. That's what I'm here for. And while the two of you were sleeping, it seemed as though I had failed at something because you never seemed to open up to me when the times called for it. And I'm sorry if I did. All I want to do now is help the both of you out and hope that I can somewhat make the cuttings stop... I just wish you could trust me."
"I do trust you," Solamae finally spoke, though her voice was low from fighting back her tears. 'Some Snape I am...' "It's just that I thought you would be livid if you found out what I did. And the only thing I want to do is make you proud of me, not angry because I resolved to hurting myself as a means of making my other pains go away."
"Fea, you do make me proud. More than you can possibly think. You befriended the son of a man who I loathed, and yet still dealt with my childish anger I called out because I never saw 'Harry Potter' since I could never see past 'James Potter'. You have lost your parents in a horrible accident and never resorted to possibly killing yourself because you felt as though what had happened was your fault. And trust me, Fea. I knew you were thinking that, for the longest time. And you are here, talking to me now about something you have been doing and admitting to it. Instead of taking the easy way out and running away from it all like you were some common child. Everything you do makes me proud, Fea. You being who you are makes me the proudest uncle in the wizarding world. So nothing you could've done would make me think anything different about you."
"But I was cutting myself. Making myself bleed purposefully and enjoying it because I thought it felt good. That should make you feel ashamed."
"Well, I'm not, Fea. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm not ashamed of Harry." Harry started as his potions professor in shock at this. 'Professor Snape wasn't ashamed of me? Wh-What does he mean by that?' "You both have done what you've done and there's nothing I can do to change the past. But I can be there to help the both of you out now and I intend to have it stay that way." Here, Snape looked up at Harry and smirked. "Amongst the most popular belief, yes I'm not ashamed of you. You have basically become a part of this house over the last month. And I'd almost go as far as to call you a part of this family. If you hadn't been here, I'm sure Fea would've tried something more than once by now, besides cutting, as a way to 'punishing herself' for what has happened to her parents. And for that, I'm thankful. Which is probably the only reason I am glad you are here. So I want you both to make me that promise to come talk to me if you feel there is something wrong. And if you cut yourself, then I can't really stop you. But I will help you heal what either of you do." By now, Snape was now talking to both teenagers. "So will you two please make me that promise? So that way I don't feel as though I've made this speech for nothing?"
Solamae and Harry both had their mouths slightly open. When they turned to each other, they found that the other's eyes shone wet with tears. Harry squeezed his friend's hand, as though reassuring her that he was in this too, before they both nodded. "Good." Snape sighed and leaned back into the chair. "Now that that's over with, I think the two of you need a break. So, why don't we all go out to muggle London and get some shopping done. I'm sure you have some plans for Harry tomorrow, Fea?"
It was noticeable that Snape was swiftly changing the subject, much to both students' relief. And for the first time that day, Solamae smiled and nodded her head. "Yes, actually. I wondered if I could talk to you alone for a moment about it." Solamae turned to Harry. "Please?"
Harry gave a small smile and nodded his head. "Sure. I'm gonna go take a soak and see if I can loosen some of my muscles."
As Harry walked out and the room's door clicked shut, Solamae turned to her uncle and began talking again. "So, did you get all the answers back?"
"Yes. Granger says she might be a little late, but only by about twenty minutes. So I don't think it should be too bad to push back the party by about a half an hour or so."
"No, it shouldn't. All the Weasleys say they can make it?"
"Yes. All but Percy, of course."
"Hmm. And the professors?"
"Albus, Minerva, and Hagrid are all coming. Albus personally fire called me to say they were all clearing their schedules for that day so they can guarantee that none of them will be late."
"Sheesh, feelin' the love for Harry there..." Solamae mumbled as she scratched one of the scars on her arm.
Snape noticed her doing this and grabbed her arm, lifting up the sleeve to take a look at it. "Hmm, looks like I missed one of your cuts earlier. I think I left the salve in the bathroom, so the next time you go in there, put some on then return it to me when you're done using it will you?"
Solamae nodded her head. "Will do. Oh, I forgot to ask, did you get the list from Mrs. Weasley of the foods and whatnot that Harry likes for the party?"
"Yes, yes. Everything and everyone is taken care of. So stop worrying yourself over this. Things will run as planned, so just calm yourself. Oh, and a couple of the Weasleys will be here early to decorate the family room and dinning room for you while you distract Harry. So try to keep him away from at least the dinning room for a while. We don't need him walking in while everyone's in the middle of setting up. And speaking of tomorrow, how are you going to pull Harry away from all the noise that might be going on around here?"
"Oh, that's easy. Harry and I won't be here. I'm going to take advantage of the escape we need and visit Kadra at St. Mungo's."
"Good excuse. Give Kadra my love when you see her since I'll have to be helping around here to make sure no one breaks anything valuable; all without being noticed, of course."
Solamae smirked. "Ah, yes. Can't possibly have a Weasley break something that you can fix later!" she replied sarcastically, still scratching at her cut.
"Fea, I seriously wish you would stop scratching that before you make it any worse..."
"Oh... Sorry." Solamae took her hand away and pulled down her sleeve to cover it better. "Hey Uncle Sev?"
"Hmm..."
"... Do you think things will go back to the way they were before between you, Harry, and I when school restarts?"
Snape looked at his niece, the same question running through his mind as she spoke it out loud. "I don't know," he answered after a short pause. "I guess it all really depends on Harry, now doesn't it?"
"Yea, I suppose," she shrugged. "I kind of hope they don't, though. It's been fun being with Harry when we don't mope. And even then, it's not too bad... I don't know. I guess I just don't want to go to Hogwarts with Harry as my enemy."
"I can understand that. Maybe you should talk to Harry about this when you both are alone?"
Again, Solamae shrugged, resisting the urge to scratch her cut as she saw Harry reenter his room to look for clothes. "Guess I should go get that salve before this thing drives me up the wall with the itching."
"Alright. Bring it down when you're done. I'll meet you and Harry in the foyer in fifteen minutes."
Solamae smiled. "Ok." They both stood; the younger Snape giving her uncle a quick hug before running out of the room and into the bathroom they were in hours before to grab the salve. Snape leaving shortly after her.
"Hey, Har!!" she called as she walked back into her room five minutes later to grab a different set of clothes.
"Yea?" Harry popped his head through their sliding door.
"You almost ready? We leave with Uncle Sev in ten minutes."
"Yep, just need to grab my shoes and I'm set."
"Alrighty then! Give me a few minutes and I'll be right back out to join ya in your room. K?"
"Sounds good." Harry slightly closed the door to give his friend the privacy she needed and walked over to his desk to wait for Solamae as he read his potions book. When Solamae was dressed and the two were fully ready, they ran downstairs to find Snape waiting for them like he had said; and the three left.
AN: (is still hiding under desk) (mumbles) Ouch! Gods isn't cramped down here… Newhoz! Do you all hate me now?? (continues to hide) I swear! It wasn't my idea! I just wrote it out!! Ok, that excuse doesn't help me any… (mumbles under breathe) Stupid me… I hope y'all enjoyed it none the less, though! And plz… DON'T HURT ME!!! (cries while still under desk) Okay, this is TOO uncomfortable. (climbs out and instead hides in closet) Ahhhhh… Much better…
Even if you hated the chapter, though, I would still love a review! Even if just to tell me off for what I wrote or whatever… (shrugs) Thx for reading!! (hugs for evry1)
Blue Rosed Dragon
