Control Freak
Chapter 8: Breaking Point
*Momaji's Point of View*
Early in the morning I woke up and made my bed. It was just another day at the Sohma main house, just like it used to be. If only it could really be like it used to be. I knew it wasn't going to be as happy as when I was a child, and I worried about my friend. The sick feeling returned to my stomach; this wasn't going to be a very good day. I could sense it coming. I got dressed like any other day and continued on to go meet the others in the kitchen.
*Runa's Point of View*
I put breakfast down on the table as usual. Just another day, I reminded myself. I was hoping it wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be. But as if to brighten my morning, my favorite blonde bunny came into the room and sat down at the table for his morning meal; he wasn't as bouncy in the mornings, however.
"Morning." He greeted, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"Morning Bunny." I replied, sitting down as well. I looked up when light footsteps tracked into the room; Momaji joined us. Momiji, however, became shy almost instantly. This confused me, why is he almost afraid of her?
We ate in silence. I had wished it didn't have to be this way. Momaji quickly stood, startling me.
"I forgot!" She scurried off to prepare a tray for the Sohma head, and I blamed myself.
She returned shortly and finished eating her own breakfast. When we were all done eating, I grabbed all of the plates and cups, and took them back to the kitchen to wash them. To my surprise, Momiji had fled the room; this had only left Momaji to help me and of course she felt obligated to. We did the dishes together always anyways.
My short sigh was the only thing that filled the silence, until it was gone. I washed the dishes in the sink, while Moma dried them and put them in their proper place. This silence was a curse, if only I could break it. Momaji's sweet voice parted the ocean of silence.
"So..." She started off weakly, "how has Momiji been?"
"He's been fine," I replied with a slight smile, "he's like a little brother to me." My blonde friend looked down and forced a smile.
"Oh... well..." I could tell she wished she was in my shoes, "that's good..." After that, I felt kind of bad and I tried to change the subject.
"Are you glad to be back here?" I asked.
"I don't know..." she sounded depressed as she spoke, "it just reminds of why I left..." I looked back down at the sink.
"I'm sorry you have to go through this, Momaji." I was sincere with this statement and I wanted to fix this so much. But how?
"It's okay."
"No... it isn't..." I shook my head, trying to think of a possible solution.
"I meant it's okay for you." She told me. "You shouldn't have to feel bad about it..." She smiled to me and said, "I'm happy that Momiji can have a sister." I knew even though she seemed as happy as she could be, that it tore her apart to say those words. Whether she would admit it or not.
I sighed before replying, "but it isn't right... You should be his sister." She only shook her head.
"I'd just forget about it if I were you..." She didn't want me or Momiji hurt. "He wouldn't remember me anyways and it would hurt him to remember again." I wished so much she could be happy and be with her brother. They were twins! They're not supposed to be separated!
"Why Moma..." I looked at her sadly, "it shouldn't have to be this way..." Why did everything have to be so complicated and screwed up? Was there something I didn't understand?
"It's all my fault in the first place." She then left the room, leaving me alone in the kitchen watching her sorrowfully until she disappeared from view. I sighed, but wasn't entirely defeated; I would think of something, I promised myself I would. I hope...
*Momaji's Point of View*
I sat down outside after leaving Runa in the kitchen. I wish I could have everything the way it was before... I thought sadly, where Momiji and I were inseparable... when he talked to me and played with me... Why couldn't I have any of it? Why was it so wrong? I clenched my fists to keep myself from desperately crying. "Dammit Hatori!" I cursed out loud to the sky. I blinked the burning tears from my eyes and my twin caught my attention.
I watched him walk around and thought to myself, this is the only thing I can do... just watch him grow up without me there... It was so unfair. But I guess for him to be happy, my own happiness had to be sacrificed. I was glad he had a sister in Runa; however, I was envious of that privilege.
I finally stood up and went to my room, knowing exactly what I wanted. I opened one of my drawers and pulled out a folded cloth. This was exactly what I needed. Then I went back outside and sat a little closer to where Momiji was. I untied the pretty cloth and took out a piece of my favorite sweet candy, popping it into my mouth. I knew I had Momiji's attention when he looked at me curiously.
I tore another piece off of the chunk of my candy and enjoyed its delicious taste. I smiled and savored it, "mmmm!" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Momiji watching; I knew his weakness was candy, just like mine. As soon as I looked at him, he looked away. I put another piece into my mouth and looked up again, but he was gone. I frowned.
"I-is that..." I heard him behind me, "marzipan?" I jumped.
"Mhm!" I gave him a smile. Momiji stood there drooling and wide-eyed. Our favorite. I tore another piece off and offered it to him. "You want one?" Momiji took it and sat down next to me and we enjoyed the candy together.
"I don't know why... but you always seemed like a scary person..." Momiji was finally talking to me, "I was afraid to talk to you..." He then brightly smiled and then said, "but you seem very nice now!"
That's because Hatori feeds you these lies, I smiled despite my bitter thoughts. "You seem like a nice person too." I was so happy to finally be near him again.
"What's your name?" Momiji nibbled on his candy. "I'm Momiji!"
"I'm Kyami." Momiji took another piece from the cloth.
"You've lived here for almost as long as I have." Momiji commented.
"You remember that?" I asked surprised.
"Yeah, I was still unsure about you then..." He then looked straight at me, "what are you here for? Do you know about the curse?"
"I take care of Akito and I do know about the curse." I replied.
"Hatori is wrong!" Momiji told me. "You're a nice person!"
I smiled, if I can't be his sister then I can at least be his friend... until Hatori finds out and erases his memory again...
"How did you get the marzipan?" Momiji tilted his head, loving the candy so much.
I blushed. "My papa sends it to me..." I should have given him some earlier... I shouldn't have hoarded it all to myself. I thought to myself guiltily.
"My papa doesn't get me anything." I heard the faint sound of a door shutting indoors and stood up quickly.
"Here!" I gave him the rest of the candy hurriedly. "You can have this."
"Really?!" He said excitedly and exclaimed to me in German, "Danke! Danke! Danke!" [Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!]
"Bitte." I smiled. [you're welcome] I hurried away to check on Akito, fearing the sound I had heard from a distance was the Sohma doctor himself.
*Runa's Point of View*
I walked outside to see Momiji sitting out there very enthusiastic about a cloth. What? I went over to him and smiled. "Hey Bunny. What you got there?" I looked down to see it was some kind of food wrapped in the colorful cloth. Whatever it was, he absolutely loved it more than anything in the entire world.
"Marzipan!" He replied excitedly. "Your friend, Kyami, gave it to me! She's really nice!"
I smiled. "I know she is. She's been my best friend ever since she came to live here, besides you of course!" I remembered the day they came to live here well, and I smiled every time it crossed my mind. It was a nice memory and I was happy to have it back.
Momiji brightly smiled. "You want a piece? It's really good!" He was so happy about this German candy, but what was it?
"Sure!" I slightly laughed and tried some. It's so yummy!
"This has always been my favorite candy..." Momiji thought back and told me more. "Mama used to get it in the mail from our grandparents! They'd send it every week. Mama said it was only because they wanted her to visit them in Germany... but Mama never wanted to... she eventually started throwing all the candy away and we would take it out of the trash!"
"Wow." I hugged him and smiled. I was guessing that when he said 'we' he was talking about his younger sister and him.
"What?" He laughed. "They were in a box!" He tied the cloth back up and was already onto the next thing. "I'm bored... we should do something fun!"
"Like what?" I looked at him as if he were crazy. What was there for us to do? Unless we went out for a while...
"We should go visit Shigure!" He suggested his happy-go-lucky self. I laughed and stood up.
"Okay, okay." I looked back at our house. "I just need to let Dad know, okay?"
"Okay!" Momiji jumped up. "Oh! Kyami should come toooo!" I winced at that.
"Sorry Momiji," I looked down at him, "she's too busy right now." I wished Momaji could come, but I knew that'd risk my memory being erased again. I really didn't want that at all.
"Awwwww!" Momiji pouted. I patted his head and went back to the house to let Dad know where I was going. I hadn't seen him since the night before.
When I walked into his office, he was hard at work concentrating on paperwork. I knocked lightly on the open door to get his attention, standing in the doorway. I didn't like to disturb him right now, and then started wondering if he would even notice if I left without saying so.
Dad looked up and put his pen down, taking a break from his work. I hesitantly walked in. It was a bit tense between us and we both knew it.
"How are you?" That shocked me. The first thing he says is asking me how I am?
"Fine..." I answered looking at the window. Dad looked around a little awkward for once.
"That's... good..." Was his simple reply. "So what is it that you need?"
"Momiji and I are going to visit Shigure." I was straight to the point and I thought I was starting to be serious like Dad. Not sure I'd like that much.
"That's fine," he responded, "I need you to deliver something over there anyways." He found an inhaler and handed it to me. "Make sure you give that to Yuki." He instructed.
"Okay." I nodded. I noticed him look over at Mom's lone picture on the bookshelf. "I guess..." I said awkwardly, "I should go..."
"Okay..." He replied, "don't stay out too late."
"Okay..." I left after that, with nothing left to say.
Once I was back outside, Momiji ran over. "Can we go?! Can we go?!"
"Yep!" I smiled lightly.
"Yaaaay!" He then grabbed my free hand. "Let's go!" He started leading the way to our cousin's house. In the middle of our walk, Momiji turned to me and asked, "is something wrong?"
"No, I'm fine Bunny." I gave a small smile to reassure him. We continued and Momiji just looked around contently.
When we finally arrived, Momiji just let himself in and I followed. I heard chatter as we walked in on a conversation.
"But Yuuukiiii!" Ayame whined.
"I said no!" Yuki firmly stated.
"Yuuukiii!"
"No."
"Oh, hi Momiji!" Tohru greeted.
"Tooohruuu!"
"Oh great." Kyo crossed his arms.
"You know it would be-" Shigure started.
"I said no!" Yuki cut him off, irritated. I walked over to Prince Rat, ignoring the conversation.
"Here." I said handing him his inhaler.
"Runa!" Ayame exclaimed, "my dear Runa!"
"How is our Runa today?" Shigure asked.
"I'm fine..." I replied. "What's going on?" I looked at each of them a little oddly.
"Wellll-" Ayame was cut off by his younger brother.
"He's trying to get me to do something with him." Yuki said disgusted.
"It's getting annoying if you ask me." Kyo commented.
"Nobody asked you." Yuki looked at him with pure annoyance.
"Cool it Prince Rat," I told him, "just go do something with him." It couldn't be that bad to do one little thing with the snake, could it?
Yuki mumbled, "Not so easy if you were me..."
"Oh, it won't be that bad!" Tohru encouraged him.
"Fine!" The rat finally gave in.
"Good! Then let's go!" Ayame grabbed his hand and dragged him out quickly.
"Make sure to bring him baaack!" Shigure called after him.
"Alright then..." I said a bit awkward. Momiji only giggled.
"So how are you Runa?" Shigure asked again.
"I'm okay..." I responded, shifting back and forth. Why did this feel so awkward now?
"How's... Kyami?" Tohru asked concerned.
"Kyoo!" Momiji called, "we should go play outside!"
"How old do you think you are?!" Kyo exclaimed.
"Kyami is fine..." I said.
"Is something wrong?" Tohru asked me.
"I'm fine..." I glanced around the room for some kind of distraction.
"Are you sure?"
"Y-yeah..." I struggled to keep myself from freaking out in front of everyone. Then I suddenly said, "I'm gonna go outside." And I went out.
"You sure you don't wanna talk about anything?" Kyo had followed me out. I looked straight at him and slightly shook.
"I don't know what to do Kyo..." My voice weakened.
"What?" Kyo looked at me oddly, "about what?"
"My dad..." I looked at the ground. "I can't believe he did that... and now everything's weird between us..."
"Oh... Momaji... it's hard for me to believe it too..."
"Will he take my memory again...?" I feared that so much.
"... he might take our memories away too... If he finds out..."
"He already knows... but only about me..." Momaji had only mentioned me knowing the night before.
"And what makes you think he'll erase your memory again?" Kyo questioned. He continued to say, "if he was gonna, wouldn't he already have done it?"
"Maybe he's waiting to see if I'll distract Momaji again..."
"It's hard to tell what he's thinking..."
"It's so awkward between us now..." I went on, "I don't know what to do..." Kyo leaned against the house thinking. I sighed and put my head in my hands.
"There's not much you can do about it..." Kyo finally said.
"Great." I looked at him unhappy with his response. "You're a lot of help Kyo." I said sarcastically.
"Well what the hell am I supposed to say?" Wow. He was really insensitive.
"Forget it." I walked away and sat down alone. From where I was I heard his frustrated yell and he took off. I just sat there and thought to myself for a while, and then Tohru came out to get the clothes off of the clothesline.
I watched her quietly and thought, she's so lucky... she doesn't have to worry about transforming into an animal or breaking any rules... it's almost like Akito can favor an outsider more than family... is that right? Was it?
Tohru happily hummed to herself and I quietly sighed. I wish I could be that lucky... but no, I'm a damn cat that was born to be hated and be miserable my entire life... I'm not allowed happiness, so why should I be allowed to live? Tohru folded the clothes and stacked them in the basket she had brought out.
I dug in my pocket and found the small metal object I was looking for. A small pocketknife I normally kept with me for multiple uses. I opened it up. I only had slight hesitation before I made a cut in my left arm. I watched the blood appear and trail down my forearm.
I heard Tohru pick up her basket and she turned around. At the sight of me she jumped and dropped her basket of clean clothes onto the ground and I looked up at her. "Runa!" She nearly screamed. "You scared me!" She noticed my arm, "hm?" She froze, "blood? Blood?! B-blood?" Was she having a panic attack or something? "M-maybe we should go into the kitchen?" She suggested, not wanting to sound bossy.
I shrugged her off. "You can go ahead Tohru..." She was so confused after that. So she went inside herself and came back with a bandage in hand.
"W-what happened?!" She was so worried about me. How?
I hesitantly showed her the pocketknife. I wasn't going to lie about it. She looked at me wide-eyed and bandaged my arm mumbling to herself.
"Muuuh doing chores and people are starting to cut themselves muhuhuhuh..."
"It isn't you, Tohru." I stated and looked away.
"Oh!" She nearly jumped from her thoughts, "well then... what is it...?"
I stayed quiet for a moment, trying to keep my thoughts from getting the best of me. I slightly shook again. In red smoke I changed to my cursed form of a cat.
Tohru sighed and put me in her lap. She petted me gently across my back and softly told me, "It's okay."
"You have no idea..." I said quietly.
"You're right... I don't..." Tohru admitted. "It might make you feel better if you talk about it."
I sighed before starting, "Kya-er... I mean Momaji... is my best friend... Dad had erased my memory of her and took that away from me..." I kept my eyes down as I spoke. "After Yuki and Kyo left with Shigure, I only had Momiji left... and that was only when he wasn't at school or out having fun... I had no one and I was so alone..." I shook terribly. "I wanted to die... if he takes her away from me I will want to die again..." Then I straightened a little bit, "but I guess I've forgotten already... Akito comes first..."
"That's not good..." That was all she could say.
"I have no life because it's completely controlled and run by him..." I was so upset over this. "No one cares for extras and they're only pushed away and forgotten about... and I just want it all to stop... you're the only person that will listen... family is deaf and blind to it all..." It took everything in me to keep my burning eyes from releasing the hot tears they held back.
Tohru hugged me. "Well it's better for at least one person to listen than no one."
"Yeah..." I quietly agreed. "Not even the ones I thought were closer to me can listen..." I sighed and went on to say, "I wish there were more people like you..." Sure, I envied her so much, but I couldn't hate her. She was so loving and sweet.
For a while Tohru just sat there and petted me gently. It was nice to have a little bit of comfort, since I didn't get much anywhere else. I had kept all of that to myself for so long. I finally calmed down a little, but I was still depressed. Tohru spoke up, "would you like to stay for lunch?"
"Sure... thank you..." Tohru smiled at me.
Around noon, I had already switched back and was sitting at the table with Shigure and Momiji. The two had talked on and on, while I sat quietly with my head bowed down. I heard Tohru shuffling around in the kitchen preparing lunch for everyone.
"And how has Hatori been, Runa?" Shigure dragged me into the conversation, obvious to my depression.
"Fine..." I kept my head down to avoid letting him see my sad eyes that were probably red from nearly crying.
"Well that's good!"
Like I said before, deaf and blind... I thought sorrowfully. Even a cousin I trusted was completely unaware of my pain, or just didn't want to bother asking.
Tohru finally returned and put the food on the table. "Food's done! Hm? Where's Kyo?"
"He took off before I had talked to you..." I quietly said. He must be angry with me... I'm so stupid!
"Hm..." Tohru thought to herself.
"I'm sure he'll come back." Shigure waved it off and started eating.
"Yuum!" Momiji admired Tohru's cooking. I ate a little and stared at my remaining food as the others talked a little and ate their own food.
No one can even say it'll be okay... I thought, that shows how much hope there is for me... there is none...
"I'm full!" Momiji said aloud making Tohru giggle. I quietly excused myself from the table and went out to sit on the porch. I heard the chatter inside.
"I think I'm gonna go home now." I said to Momiji, hearing him behind me.
"Okay, see ya!" Shigure's footsteps left the room.
"Bye!" Tohru called.
"Byyee Tohruu!" Momiji came out to me. "I'm ready to go home."
"I'll come in a minute," I wouldn't look at him. "You go ahead... I'll catch up."
"Okaay." He went off alone.
"I hate myself so much..." My pent-up frustration was controlling me as I cut my arm repeatedly with the pocketknife. After I couldn't take any more pain from abusing myself, I stared at my bleeding arm and shook a little. I hurt so much, but I didn't care enough to keep myself from doing it.
Then I started walking home, blood trailing down my arm from the hurting cuts. On the way, I kept my gaze down at the ground and held my cut arm. When I made it to the main gate, I bumped into someone else.
"Runa!" Momaji was knocked out of her thoughts. "If Hatori asks I didn't leave the house!" She yelled out of pure guilt. She then paused, "hey... are you okay?"
"Wow..." I said with no emotion. "You're actually paying attention?" I opened the gate and went to walk in, but she caught sight of my bloody arm.
*Momaji's Point of View*
Her arm was bloody and fear hit me. What had happened to her? I dragged her into the house and searched for some bandages, "what happened?! Did someone hurt you!?"
"No..." I sat her down and started bandaging her arm.
"Damnit Runa..." When I had finished, I put my hand out. "Where is it?" She knew exactly what I wanted. Her knife. She always had that thing on her.
She sighed defeated, took it out and dropped it into my open hand. "You're lucky your dad isn't here right now, Runa." I snapped at her. "What's wrong then?" She avoided all eye contact and further frustrated me. "Fine!" I stomped to my room and slammed my door shut.
I collapsed onto my bed and stared at my ceiling. What was I supposed to do? What could I do for my friend? This was my fault; I knew it was. I felt so helpless and I couldn't help my closest friend. It's Hatori's fault. He started this mess!
*Runa's Point of View*
I winced when her door slammed shut. Well that was just great. Momaji was angry now and probably blamed herself. "Nice job Runa," I told myself, "nice job..."
