Author's Notes: Sorry about the delay. I have a lot of stuff to do for college and the work is kinda starting to get to me. But enough about that, thanks very much for the reviews for the last chapter, they were wonderful and I finally get the idea of SEME and UKE now. Thanks guys!

And no, there is no Asuma/Kakashi in this story (sorry, I just meant about bringing up the topic of the pairing), and if there is it's very, very one-sided on Kakashi's part.

Warnings: Swearing and mild violence.

Confessions: Part 1

"There has to be some sort of mistake!" Kakashi slapped the brief back down on the table; he would have never dared act such a way in front of his leader, but this was under entirely different circumstances. "I requested at least a week off when I came back from my last mission to recover!"

The Hokage looked at him through eyelids lowered threateningly, "Hmm, you seem fine to me."

The blatant call on his lie left Kakashi stuttering for words to retaliate with. This wasn't the first time he's gotten annoyed right in front of the Third, but the man had this infuriating way of making him come to terms with his real problems.

It often left him feeling worse when he left than when he came in. So it wasn't necessarily a good thing, but the Third understood him in a way that left him to pick up the pieces of his broken pride himself.

"I… I'm tired! Is it so much to ask for a break?" He pleaded again, but something in him knew the Hokage wouldn't budge.

Refusing a mission was bad enough, but pleading with him was even worse. He knew, in the end, there was no way out of it. He had a duty to this village, to the name, to the symbol on his head-band. That was to protect it and to follow the orders given by his leader, to give everything he had in him to bring glory to the Leaf. How dare he even think of disobedience.

"… Why do you not want to take this mission, Kakashi? If there is a prior complication with your health; I would understand, but your medical report reads fine."

The Third was an incredibly intelligent man, not only with information but with years of wisdom and experience behind him. Though Kakashi was a genius, there was simply no comparison. His old, bloodshot grey eyes locked with a darker, angrier eye and held no signs of faltering.

That gaze was reading, trying to see beneath the mask. The worst part was, it was working. "What is the real reason you won't take this mission, Hatake-san?"

Shoulders once squared and determined, slumped slowly in defeat. The last thing he wanted was The Hokage knowing. The man wouldn't utter a word to a single soul, hell Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if he took the secret to his grave along with all the other secrets of the Leaf Village. Not only that, but the Hokage wouldn't judge him. Not for a moment.

But he… he just couldn't say it. The lack of surprise would probably kill him faster than real surprise.

"What has happened between yourself and Maito Gai?" He pressed on, leaning further over the desk.

Nothing could have suppressed the twitch on hearing that name.

"… Nothing, sir." Kakashi sighed in defeat and took his brief, dejected. His effort to leave the room without turning around and pouring out his heavy heart and soul was nearly thwarted when a very soft question called out to him.

"You do know that if there is a good enough reason, I will assign another jounin immediately. Gai requested you specifically, but if there is a complication, you know you can tell me, do you not?"

The point was, it wasn't a good enough reason. Gai kissed him, and now Kakashi was terrified of what Gai would say to him, terrified of other people finding out that his sexual preferences happened to older, broader, taller men, terrified his reputation could be ruined.

There was no one else he wanted to tell more, if just someone could understand why this mission would be utter torture.

But… even if he did tell him, Kakashi had the sneaking suspicion that The Hokage would send him anyway. It was the only way to deal with his problems.

So he kept his mouth shut.

He already knew the answer.

"I know," he said quietly, sliding open the door and exiting, "I know."


The mission was straightforward, but the brief was thick and complicated.

For one, the Leaf Village had no idea which member of this gang was the leader, so it listed all the known members who mainly consisted of low-level jounin. The lists comprised of brief summaries of their missions, known family members, background checks and favourite foods.

These were mainly for the sneakier shinobi who chose more un-conventional ways of killing, such as poisoning (al-la favourite food) or kidnapping said family members. Kakashi wasn't the ransom type, but the poisoning had come in handy on a number of occasions. His rifle through the sheets the night previous gave him a good inclination on how the mission would go.

It would take three days to get to Katsuie city, four if they choose (and they most likely will) to gather information first, another day or so to set up a perimeter around the base and plan their attack, and then an additional three days to return home.

That made a week. A week with Gai. A week alone with Gai.

Why did Kakashi suddenly feel very ill…?

"You have everything you need?" Gai asked, not nearly as uncomfortable as he was at that moment.

Kakashi simply nodded, for fear of throwing up, avoiding his gaze.

Kunai. Summoning scrolls. Poison darts. Shuriken. At least two volumes of Icha Icha. Yep, he was prepared as always.

It would be three hours of sprinting through the treetops of the forests surrounding Konoha on their way to Grass and then past, to Katsuie, a landlocked city adjacent to the large village. And for the whole time, racing through leaves and branches away from their home, neither said a word.

He could feel Gai's gaze on his back for the majority of the journey. Once or twice they were interrupted by passing Ninja, but the mutual need to get to destinations meant neither party wanted to fight, so they continued on their paths.

It was quiet. Painfully so.

Finally, out of Leaf country, they slowed down, landing gracefully in a grassy field where; on the furthest end the trees seemed a shade more red than the thick green forests of Leaf. There was a pause, one in which Kakashi was praying Gai wouldn't say anything, until they continued. He sighed gently in relief, still a little breathless from the sprint.

Perhaps from far away, an onlooker would have just seen a two-man ninja team on their way to complete a mission. But if you looked closely, you could see the gap between the two, one sulking on in front, the other looking guiltily at his back, trailing behind.


Gai took out his canteen of water, gulping it down after catching his breath somewhat. Kakashi hadn't said a word since they left and the tension was crushing him under it's weight. He had to break the ice somehow, he didn't even know what started it or what he did to deserve this treatment.

He tapped the jounin on the shoulder with the bottle, who tensed; "Here."

As if tearing his eyes away became a physical manifestation, Kakashi's head jerked the opposite way; "I'm fine."

The tone was bored, but had a cutting undercurrent. Gai stopped, just watching as Kakashi continued walking forward.

He thinks then, that's probably when he became a little angry. But Gai was nothing if not a master of control. Kakashi could sulk and brood all he wanted, either way, Gai was still going to get his answer.

"Stop," he said quietly, standing his ground, watching as the younger man's back tensed and he slowly, slowly turned to face him, one grey eye locked on a particularly interesting blade of grass, "please, what did I do to deserve such treatment?"

Gai was not a man to take such things lightly. With any other, he would have confronted them immediately, but there was something about the scandalised way the Copy-Ninja was looking at him that made him pause, made him worry. Kakashi was incredibly hard to offend, even with the snidest of remarks; they just seemed to bounce off him. So what must Gai have done to harm him so much?

He cared so much about what the man thought of him, wanted to earn his respect and trust because with Kakashi, knowing you've worked so hard to earn his friendship felt like it was worth so much more. So what did he do to tarnish it?

Kakashi didn't say anything, he kept his eye firmly on the grass below, arms crossed, but the posture was curled, defensive. A typical gesture.

The tension was far too much for Gai to handle, he was never good in these situations. It made him chuckle nervously, so the words come out in a rush of stuttered breath, "I didn't do something when I was drunk, did I?"

When Kakashi finally did look up at him, that one grey eye looked (dare he think it) confused.


"You… don't remember, do you?" Kakashi asked tentatively.

Gai just gave that really weird breathy chuckle again, and shook his head, shrugging, "Remember what?"

He… he didn't remember?

Well, Kakashi supposed that made sense, considering how drunk they both were, but unfortunately for him the image was forever scarred across his mind.

This was… a good thing, right?

"You really don't remember?" He repeated again, quieter, as if disbelieving what he was really hearing. His brow lowered, his stance faltered slightly as he moved towards the taller man, head cocked to the side curiously.

Gai just looked at him quizzically, "I was pretty drunk, Kakashi. What happened?"

Kakashi couldn't believe it. That stupid kiss was all he was thinking and worrying about for the past two days, and Gai didn't even recall what happened!

Something that was supposed to be a good thing quickly turned into a bad thing. His mind was buzzing, unthinking, unemotional, blank and agonisingly slow. The confused look on Gai's face only conceded to fuel the complication.

All that worrying… was over nothing. He's been tearing his hair out for the past two days over something… non-existent?

"What?" Gai asked, when Kakashi was a mere three feet away, staring with that eye of his, completely blank.

Then, Kakashi did the stupid thing. He answered, truthfully so, and so quiet that Gai almost didn't catch it; "You kissed me, when I was walking you home that night…"

How could Gai not remember it? Why did that hurt so much?

On a good day, perhaps when Kakashi's head was screwed on a bit tighter, he would have never given Gai the truthful answer. He would have - should have - left it alone, because that would just give rise to even more complicated questions with answers he didn't really want to tell anyone, let alone his rival.

But today, what little of his pride was left after talking with The Hokage was aching for retribution. He didn't want to lose, not to Gai, and his pride was in agony over the fact that he was worrying over something the taller man didn't even remember.

And Kakashi remembered it so vividly. So horrifyingly realistically that he's been reliving it over and over and over again. He shouldn't have let it bother him right from the get-go, but dammit it just hurt because he valued the Taijutsu master as a close friend.

So fuck Gai, he thought venomously.


It wasn't so much the answer that sent Gai into shock, it was just the fact that Kakashi looked so angry, so betrayed by it.

Sure, it took him a couple of seconds to register what he just said, but once it sank in it just felt a little… shallow. So he was drunk, and he accidentally kissed Kakashi…

So what? It happens all the time; people accidentally kissing each other, waking up the next morning and not remembering the sex or even the gender of the person you had sex with. That last one thankfully never happened to him, but he has kissed Kurenai and even Anko in a heated, drunken fit. Both parties acknowledged that fact that they were too drunk to even care, so what was the problem?

"That's it?" He asked disbelievingly, shaking his head and folding his arms in an unconsciously self-protective gesture, "Kakashi, that sort of thing happens all the time when we get drunk, you know that. Remember that time Anko practically molested you and you couldn't stop laughing?"

It's not that he wasn't sorry, it was just that he didn't understand what caused so much ire. It was just a stupid, drunken mistake.

Kakashi's visible eye narrowed dangerously and he turned away, hands practically shoved in his pockets as if to signal the end of the conversation, and tried to walk away, the anger radiating off him in waves.


Not even an apology! What the fuck was this?

He was so unbelievably pissed at the fact that Gai not only didn't remember, but treated it as if it was just something stupid and didn't even apologise!

True, it's not the first time something like this has happened in their circle of friends, but it was always let go the day after and often laughed about for the weeks to follow (and why did he have to bring up Anko, he can't remember a time when he's been so embarrassed!).

Gai just didn't understand that because he was gay it just hurt that much more; for one blissful moment he felt like someone he was close to, attracted to; felt the same way, and all because of booze.

Gai didn't realise the uncomfortable moments he had when he was younger, communal showers, sparring, even missions when everything was put right in front of him and it was something he could never, ever touch.

Gai just didn't get it. And that was fucking killing him.


What… what did he say this time?

Kakashi looked positively murderous! Even Gai, older, taller, stronger seemed to wilt under the waves of rage coming off his rival, all directed at him. But what did he say now?

He followed the man, running alongside him, putting a hand on his shoulder and flinching when it was batted away.

"Did I say something?"

"It's nothing," he tried to shrug, nonchalant, but it ended with a growl as if the effort to keep his voice calm and controlled became too much.

This is stupid, Gai mentally berated the situation, it has been a bare three hours into the mission and already they were at each other's throats. This never happened before, never on a mission. It was highly unprofessional and really, a ridiculous thing to be fighting over. They worked so well together, they got on well together, they were both proficient and practised enough to not let emotion get the better of them, so what the hell was going on?

"Kakashi!" He took a second to realise he was shouting before spinning the silvery-haired jounin to face him, only adding to the slowly building anger when refused eye-contact. "Talk to me-"

"There's nothing to say. Drop it, Gai."

When Kakashi used just that sort of tone, it was up to Gai to choose the smart option; and drop it thus letting him calm down, or the stupid option concerning his pride; and pursue it.

They were both creatures of pride, that was probably why they were in competition so much, and now that both of them had been hurt in some way, one was not about to let the other get away with it. There was something more going on here, something that had nothing to do with that stupid drunken kiss and Gai wasn't about to let it go anytime soon.

"Why are you getting worked up over this?"

"Drop it."

"No, I will not drop it, Kakashi!" He walked after the jounin who tried to stalk away again, the deepening scowl evident in his eye. "I'm sorry, but I really don't think you should be making such a big deal over this."

That was clearly the wrong thing to say because when Kakashi finally did meet his eyes, he was livid.

"You don't get it." He spat, trying to move again and rolling his eye extravagantly when Gai pulled him back, just as determined to see an end to this problem.

"I don't get what?" He snarled, matching the anger with his own, "If you have something to say, just say it and get it over with!"

"How many times do I have to tell you to drop it?"

"You can keep telling me until you're blue in the face; I'm not going to. You've been avoiding me for two days, and over what? Because I accidentally kissed you when we were both drunk? Surely our friendship is stronger than that!"

A look like Kakashi had been punched in the face passed over his features like a ripple in a pond, and Gai began to wonder if he was angry, or hurt. All the tension over the past two days had built up until neither of them could take it anymore, resulting in this, this crazy match of shouting and pleading and arguing.

"There's nothing to tell, Gai-"

"What's wrong, Kakashi? Please."

It could have been the hurt, pleading tone Gai had switched to that made the other man drop his gaze. Long, pale fingers ran nervously through silver hair, shielding his eye. He shook his head and for a second, Gai really thought he was going to say it, but the hand stayed joined with the grey scalp.

"Tell me." He urged.

"No, okay? Just-"

"What has you so angry?"

A second hand joined the first, and Kakashi was pulling at his own hair with nerves and stress, his eye clenching shut, pained. "You're not making this easy…" he said through his breath-steadying sigh.

"Making what easy?" Gai couldn't help the rise in his voice, the stress and tension over the past two days had taken it's toll. He always thought he was on good terms with Kakashi, what happened to make all this change?

"Tell me, Kakashi."

"I…" The hands continued tugging on the abused strands, "I can't-"

"Just say it!"

"Dammit Gai, why do you-?"

"We're not going any further until I get an answer-"

The snarl was evident, and it shook the calm silence of the surrounding field-

"Because I'm gay, alright?!"

Fingers untangled finally from the grey strands and clenched fists were held firmly by his sides at the statement. That slate eye was sizzling with fury, the visible parts of his face contorted.

He was… Gay? When did this happen?

How long has Gai known Kakashi? Perhaps since they were maybe eight, nine years old, just a year in between them. So what… when did this happen…?

Gai was awestruck, his mind was buzzing. But what did being gay have to do with…

Oh, he kissed him. Right.

Then… he remembered.

If Kakashi were a woman, "she" would have slapped Gai at this point. That's probably why he instead chose to swing his arm back and punch him full-force in the jaw, making Gai stumbled backwards into a tree.

He didn't even try to dodge, partly because he was in shock, partly because he felt he deserved it.

"Man, that felt good…" The Copy-Ninja sighed roughly, shaking his fingers out, pausing to look at the damage he caused, and continuing on the path to Katsuie.


Author's Notes: Thanks so much for reading. I hope the breaks didn't make it too complicated, but I like to tell both sides of the story. Drop a line if you want, constructive criticism is extremely helpful.