A/N: My first draft of this chapter was so, so messy. But with the help of not only my wonderful beta, sendtherain and also a fellow westallen fanfiction writer, I was able to craft something much better. Thank you, ladies, for turning a flop into something hopefully resembling a quasi-masterpiece.

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.


Inspiration: DCTV promo featuring Barry telling Iris (presumably) "The weight of the whole city falls on my shoulders." Also, some dialogue from the (4x01) Hero Reborn promo is included. The chapter is about how that scene could play out. (Also, I realize the Iris lines from the promo are probably meant for 4x01, not 4x02, but they fit so perfectly into the scene I was writing, I couldn't resist. Hopefully you won't mind. ;))


He found her at STAR Labs, sitting alone, deep in thought. The room was empty. They had just caught another bad guy mere moments after Barry and Iris finished up their first couples therapy session, which had proven to be both comical and eye-opening. Barry hadn't been totally sure where they stood by the end of it, but he knew they'd made progress. He believed that.

"Go," she'd said when they got the alert from Cisco.

He realized in that moment that he'd been waiting for her okay, for her direction, for her permission.

He, The Flash, the guy who had made all the decisions in the past, after one therapy decision hadn't dashed away immediately. It wasn't on purpose either. It was natural. It felt right. And it made him wonder if he hadn't always subconsciously looked to her for guidance.

In the dire moments, sure, but always?

"Iris."

She looked up from where she was sitting and smiled genuinely, softly, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"You caught the bad guy."

"We caught the bad guy." He slowed to a stop when he reached her and then took a seat. "We all did."

Her smile was tremulous. "We did."

He sighed and took her hand in his, watching how his hands clasped over her smaller one.

"Look, Iris, about the therapy session…" He pursed his lips, and then looked up at her.

"It was kind of a disaster," she finished, biting her bottom lip. "I mean, right?"

His thoughts had been serious, but her words made him recall how confused the therapist had been throughout the meeting in their attempts to explain the situation without giving away his superhero identity. He laughed.

"I don't know why no one told us that would be an obstacle we'd have to overcome."

"We're adults," she said, taking on a dignified air. "We should have thought of it ourselves."

"Too bad we don't know any therapists who know my identity."

"Or that we don't have one of those…" She gestured with her fingers around an invisible device. Her brows furrowed, forgetting what it was called.

Barry got it though and smiled slowly.

"One of those memory eraser things." Iris's eyes flashed to his and lit up in recognition. "From Men in Black."

"Yes." She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, one of those."

"Those would come in handy." He sighed wistfully.

"Shouldn't Cisco have come up with one of those by now?" Iris asked with a laugh. Barry joined in.

"I'll have to get on him about that."

The shared laughter between them subsided until there was only silence. Neither risked catching a glance. Finally, Iris cleared her throat.

"So…"

"Yeah."

"The therapy."

"Right."

"Do you… What did you think?" she asked.

Barry knew it was no joke this time. Not from the vulnerability shining in her eyes. They had tackled serious issues during the session, even if they had blundered their way through attempts at hiding from the person they were supposed to unveil everything to.

But the undertone was clear. Sure, he felt like she was trying to walk all over him at STAR Labs, but she was also truly, deeply hurting on the inside. Not only that, she'd been holding STAR Labs and the team up for six long months. It was because of Iris that Team Flash hadn't gone under. For all the things he'd learned while in the speed force, it hadn't occurred to him what those he'd left behind had endured in his absence. Or how deep the impact ran.

Things were a lot clearer to him now.

"I think…maybe you're upset with me," he ventured carefully.

She blinked. "About what?"

He gave her a knowing look, and she rolled her eyes.

"Well, obviously I'm not a fan of you giving a direction that is the opposite of my direction, since I'm—"

"Iris."

He threaded their fingers together, and she sighed shakily. Her eyes closed, and he saw as tears wet her eyelashes.

"I just…" She swallowed hard, and then looked up at him. "I tried to keep going." She nodded, pursing her lips together for a moment so a tearful gasp wouldn't escape her. "To keep running like you said." She released the breath she'd been holding and tried to focus on his thumbs moving in soothing, warm circles on her hands.

"In the beginning…I was in…shambles. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I cried all the time." She looked up at him. "I couldn't bring myself to sleep in our bed alone. It was too hard. It felt so empty." She paused and looked away, trying to compose herself. "I would wake up in the middle of the night and reach out for you. And y-you," she caught her breath, sinking her face into his hand when it suddenly appeared there, cupping her cheek. "You were never there."

"I'm so…" The pain on Barry's face was palpable. "I never wanted that for you, Iris."

She looked up at him, a glint of anger and disappointment in her eyes mixed with heartbreaking sadness.

"But that's what happened, Barry." She moved back slightly, causing his hand to lose contact with her skin. He made no attempt to recapture it. "And I had to rebuild the team in your absence, because we were so…so lost without you. We wanted to do right by you, but…" She sighed and looked away, remembering. "We couldn't." Her voice broke, and then she fixed her eyes on his again. "So, I put my heartbreak in a box, and I tucked it away. I hardened myself enough to keep the team together, so we could protect the city the way it needed to be protected. I turned over all the pictures in our loft because seeing them hurt too much. They drew out the girl who just wanted to curl in a ball and cry all day. So, I didn't look at them. Because the team needed a leader who wouldn't break."

She paused to catch her breath and reclaim a hold of her wild emotions. She swallowed hard.

"And all of this – all of it – happened because you made a snap decision. You made it, and you just…" She swept her hand in an angry gesture. "You just left."

"Iris, I—"

"You left me."

Her eyes were blazing. Barry was rendered speechless, his mouth hanging open.

"You left all of us," she continued, and he thought for a moment she was going to sweep her first statement under the rug. "But you left me." Her voice cracked and tears flooded her face as she looked away. "I'm your wi—I-I was going to be, I…"

"Iris, Iris, hey, hey…" He was beside her then, cradling her in his arms. "I'm right here now, okay? I'm here." He pulled back enough so she could look at him. He tilted her chin up to meet his gaze when she didn't. "I'm sorry."

She swallowed and nodded, scooted back a little and then said softly, "I know."

He sighed and created a little more distance between them.

"Iris, I wasn't trying to hurt you. Or any of you." He took a breath and then looked at her sincerely, trying to express the ache that was in his heart. "The weight of the whole city falls on my shoulders."

She couldn't look at him for a second, but then she made herself.

"Sometimes I have to make tough choices, choices that I don't want to make, that I would never have to make if I was just Barry Allen, forensic scientist for the CCPD. I don't get that luxury, because I'm not just that guy anymore. I'm the Flash." He tried to lighten the mood with a strangled laugh, but he knew immediately it hadn't worked. "If I could've thought of a way to save the city without sacrificing myself, I would have."

"Would you have?" she asked. There wasn't much spite to the question. Mostly it was genuine curiosity. And heartbreak. She licked her lips and attempted to regather her thoughts. "It was so easy for you, Barry. You saw the speed force coming out of that hole and you just…you said a few short goodbyes, and you left. You even told me it was your redemption. You wanted to go in there."

He swallowed and nodded once. "Maybe."

She looked away, wiped away the tears that had only half-dried on her face.

"I did so much damage when I created Flashpoint. In the end, it was HR that saved you by sacrificing himself. If he hadn't done that…you would've died." He sighed. "I couldn't fix anything that I did. Everyone else fixed it for me. I wasn't the hero. I tried, and I still got the happy ending because I let people sacrifice theirs for me."

Iris was torn between the need to scold him, to yell at him that that wasn't a good enough excuse, and the very real desire to hold him in her arms because even when he was at fault, she hated to see him sad. He might have super powers, but he was still very human. He was allowed to make mistakes.

"I wanted redemption, Iris," he said, fixing his gaze on hers again. "But that doesn't mean for a second that I didn't want you or that I didn't want our life together." He took her hands and kissed each gently. "If I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, I will."

She sighed quietly and nodded subtly.

"Because all I want to do," he began sincerely, and then broke into the gentle tune, "is come runnin' home to you."

Her sudden smile turned into a laugh, albeit a short one. It made his heart swell to see the shift in her.

"Can you just talk to me first next time?" she asked, her voice still light enough that she didn't sink into herself again. "Just give me a head's up, 'Hey, Iris, I'm about to jump into the speed force to save the city, and I might not come out again. Prepare yourself.' Maybe we can even talk about it and see if there's another way?"

He softened for her and nodded. "I will."

Her shoulder sank as the relieved breath swept out of her.

"I learned a lot during my time in the speed force. I've moved past the pain and regret and guilt from seeing my life over and over again for what felt like an eternity." He stopped. "But Iris, you have to know that sometimes I do have to make tough decisions. Sometimes there is no other way."

"Barry." She took his hand and squeezed it. "There is always another way. Someone very wise told me that."

He didn't want to contradict her anymore, so he let it go. After all, in the past he had always believed there was another way – another way out of killing, another way other than crossing a line that shouldn't be crossed.

"Well, I'm sure you'll remind me of that," he said, "since you're the one I'll be following."

She blinked and released his hand.

"What are you saying?" she asked slowly.

He laughed lightly and shook his head. "I'm saying I'm an idiot."

Her lips twitched at the corner.

"Iris, from the very beginning, the very thought of you has been what's kept me going. Whether it was just as Barry Allen or as the Flash. I went into the future before you were saved, and I saw that I had absolutely fallen apart without you. I had stopped living. I had stopped saving people. I had stopped caring about anything but my grief and my failure to protect you. In the here and now, in the worst situations, it is your voice on the com that gets me through it. Your direction, your spirit, your words of encouragement, memories of you – they are what keeps this team going."

She was so shocked and incredibly touched, she didn't know what to say.

"Barry…"

He took her hands back and smiled brilliantly at her.

"I have been at the helm of this team ever since Eobard Thawne was erased from existence." Iris looked away briefly, but Barry's thumb smoothing over her fingers brought her back to him. "I didn't know how things had changed, and I didn't understand that it was for the better."

"The whole city doesn't have to fall on your shoulders, Barry," she said gently.

He smiled softly, letting that possibility sink into him.

"We'll all carry it together."

Her heart was so full she thought it might burst.

"You have done an amazing job keeping the team going while I was gone," he said. "I can't think of a single other person I would follow into battle than the love of my life, future wife, badass reporter by day and leading a team of superheroes by night – and in her free time." He winked.

She caught her breath.

"You're sure," she said. "You're sure this is what you want?"

"It's what I want, Iris. You're what this team needs. And you know…" He slinked away. "I'm not sure I'd want my job back even if you tried to give it to me." He folded his arms across his chest, and she smacked him playfully until he giggled and her eyes were shining with happy tears.

"You're still the Flash, you know. You're still the guy the team is going to follow out into the field. They look up to you in a way that they'll never look up to me."

"Iris."

"And that's how it should be," she said firmly. "You lead them out into the war zone. I'll keep you all grounded at home base."

His eyes sparkled, and so did hers. At the same time, they both moved towards each other, melting into a sweet kiss. Iris sighed happily into him.

"Besides, I think you'll like me telling you what to do."

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Oh, yeah?"

Her darkening eyes lowered to his lips then slowly raised to his green-eyed gaze.

"Yeah." She slipped her arms around his neck and slid herself onto his lap. "I think you are going to love it."

He held her close. "Well then, by all means, we should have started this sooner."

She laughed and leaned in for another kiss that built into a more passionate one.

It was going to take more than one therapy session and one heart-to-heart to smooth the new dynamic out between them and the rest of the team. But this was a good first start. It was a breakthrough. They were different people now than they were before he had left, but that wasn't a bad thing. It was a new chapter, and they were living it together.