A/N: Final chapter (then an epilogue)! This was only ever going to be an extended "episode" ... so now it frees me up to look at some old (and new) projects. Hope you enjoy!
CHAPTER 8
The following morning Alex readied herself for breakfast with Olivia and Noah. Despite what she'd been through the past week, she was in a good mood and looking forward the day ahead.
As she headed out the door, she got a text message.
O: Could you pick up some whipped cream on your way over?
A: It's been a long time since I've had one of those requests from anyone – and never this early in the morning!
O: *insert eye roll emoji *
A: You know, they make emojis for that? I'll be glad to stop. Heading out the door now.
Alex laughed to herself, turning Olivia's words back on her, then head out the door – with a quick stop for whipped cream.
Half-an-hour later, she was at Olivia's apartment knocking on the door.
Olivia opened the door and saw Alex standing there – yoga pants, T-shirt, hair up – and holding the can of whipped cream. She was beautiful. It flustered Olivia a bit.
"I come bearing gifts," Alex said.
"And to think, all I had to do was ask," Olivia said, then quickly blushed at her own comment. "Here, let's get you inside."
"Wouldn't want anyone talking, now would we?" Alex said, giving Olivia a smirk.
Olivia busied herself in the kitchen making pancakes while Noah and Alex sat at the breakfast bar. Noah was telling Alex all about school and asking questions about who she was, how she knew mommy and whether or not she had a dog.
"Yeah, he's been on the D-O-G kick for a while," Olivia said. "And I don't have the time or space for one."
"I know how to spell doggy, mommy," Noah said.
"Smart one you got here," Alex teased.
"Yes, one of the words he purposely learned to spell so he could put it on his Christmas list," Olivia said. "Ok, who is ready for pancakes!"
After breakfast, Noah busied himself with toys in his room, while Olivia and Alex sat on the couch – close enough to keep an eye on Noah, but far enough away to really talk about everything that has transpired during the last week.
"How is Brandi? Have you talked to her?" Olivia asked. She knew the trauma the woman must have been through.
"She's holding up," Alex said. "And while I'm a little angry Andrea didn't just tell us where she was while I was sitting in that cell, I'm just glad Brandi and Amber are safe and that she got away from Jerry. I can't imagine what he would have done."
"Me, too," Olivia said.
"She apologized to me," Alex said. "Of course, she had no idea Jerry was going to make it look like I took her, or that Andrea would inadvertently throw me under the bus, too."
"How are YOU holding up?" Olivia said. "You've been through a lot too. I mean, aside from being in the cell, going through interrogations, someone you're in love with was missing."
"Someone I was in love with," Alex corrected. "I mean, yes, I love Brandi. But I've come to decide she was right to break up with me. We wanted different things and why put my effort into a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way, you know?"
"I do," Olivia said. "But I mean…"
"Yeah, no, I am healing from it all still. This whole thing kind of re-opened those wounds, I suppose," Alex said. "But I'll be fine. I've been through worse than a broken heart."
"You and me both," Olivia said. "So, about that interrogation…"
"Liv, you don't need to do this," Alex said. "I knew what I was in for. I've seen you in action plenty of times."
"Yeah, but…I've never interrogated someone quite like you," Olivia said. "I mean, someone I … cared for like you."
"Well, it wasn't my most favorite of our moments," Alex said. "But it can only get better from here, right?"
Olivia nodded.
"I wasn't exactly a model suspect either," Alex said. "We both probably said things…that we shouldn't have."
Olivia tilted her head back then sat up and took a drink of water. They needed to address the elephant in the room and she knew it.
"When you said…when you said you'd walked away from someone that you loved before…" Olivia was struggling with the words and Alex wasn't biting or helping. Alex wanted Olivia to say it, to not lead her somewhere she didn't want to go.
"Who were you talking about?" Olivia said. "I mean, if you want to share, that is."
"Who do you think I was talking about, Liv?" Alex said, staring intently at her, holding her breath for the answer.
"That night at the river. When you went into Witness Protection," Olivia started. "I felt like my heart was being ripped out and I didn't know why. Is that it? Did you mean me?"
Alex bit her lip and nodded yes. "I did mean you, and I felt the same way," she said. "I didn't really know at the time why. I mean, yes, I'd thought about our relationship before, but … had always just left it in this uncomfortable place. Knowing that my feelings for you then were different than I felt with other friends. It wasn't until I went away – and got away from being Alexandra Cabot – that I was able to explore my sexuality in ways that I never felt free to do before."
"You dated a man in Wisconsin, though, right?" Olivia asked.
"I did," Alex said. "And to be honest, it was a reflective thing. Once I started realizing that maybe I had romantic feelings for you – and looking back at other relationships with women previously – it scared me. I pushed myself into that relationship to show myself I was wrong for what I was thinking.
"And it worked for a while. But when I came back for the Connors trial … when I was around you again that night.." Alex scrunched her shoulders up. She was baring everything to Olivia and it made her nervous. "It only confirmed what I had been fighting. That I had feelings for you and that leaving you was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do because of those feelings. Because we never got a chance to explore 'more.'
"And when I came back to New York … well, we both know I didn't handle that well. It was sudden and unexpected and I just wanted to jump at the chance of being myself again. When I was Alex Cabot again, it's like everything I'd discovered about myself went out the window – like I couldn't be a lesbian and Alex Cabot. No one here knew that person.
"So once again, I forced myself into something I wasn't. It's why I got together with Robert and agreed to marry him … it's why I avoided you and SVU. Because I knew the minute I saw you, after having processed and discovered all this about myself, I wouldn't be able to stop it – even if feelings had changed."
Olivia sat quietly, stunned to say the least. She'd never seen Alex so open and vulnerable – and the things she was saying somehow filled in all the blanks and questions Olivia had. Why Alex hadn't called when she got back. The feeling at the river that night. The tension between them the night in the hotel and just every interaction they'd had, well, forever.
"I…I had no idea," Olivia said.
"I'm not asking for anything from you, Liv," Alex said. "God knows I'm not in any place right now to do that. But, I feel like you deserved to know and telling you has lifted this huge burden off me that I feel like I've been carrying around for damn near 20 years. I hope it's ok. I don't need to know how you feel or felt, I should say. Don't feel under any obligation to tell me you felt the same. I'm not questioning your sexuality. I'm just telling you how I got to where I am – comfortable in my own skin of who I am – and how you helped me get there. I'll be forever grateful for that."
"Of course…of course it's ok," Olivia said. "I … I guess I can't say part of what you're saying doesn't sound familiar. I certainly have questioned things between us, but…"
"But you're straight?" Alex asked carefully.
"That's not what I was going to say," Olivia said. "Yes, I've said that before, but I like to think I've progressed a little since then. I mean, I definitely agree that sexuality no longer has to be black or white. I certainly thing people who choose to be with whoever makes them happy.
"But that said, it's been a long time since we've been there," Olivia said. "Our lives are … completely different. We've both experienced a lot. I feel like when I get to see you, like nothing has changed, but in other ways … I feel like I don't even know you because so much time has passed, because we see each other so little."
"So let's change that," Alex said. "And I don't mean romantically. Let's be friends again, Liv. Actually friends that spend time together and talk and check in on each other's lives. Like I said, God knows I'm not in any place to get involved with anyone … but I would like to be friends."
Olivia smiled. "I'd like that, too," she said.
#
Six months later
Alex came over to Olivia's apartment on Sunday morning. It had become somewhat of a routine for them to have breakfast either Saturday or Sunday – usually pancakes with Noah.
"I bought whipped cream," Alex said. "I noticed last weekend you were nearly out and I figured you hadn't had time to get more with the week you've had."
Alex paused to look around. Noah wasn't there and Olivia was making omelets that looked like they included vegetables - bit different fare than their normal weekend breakfasts.
"Where's Noah?" the blonde asked.
"A playdate," Olivia said. "So, I figured we could expand our typical breakfast menu this morning."
"Oh, well, what am I supposed to do with this?" Alex said, pointing to the whipped cream.
"I'm sure we can find some use for it later," Olivia said, smirking slightly at Alex before turning back to the skillet.
Alex bit her lip. Olivia had been flirting somewhat relentlessly for the past few weeks, despite having never said one word about their conversation six months ago. Alex had assumed up until recently that perhaps Olivia either wasn't interested in her, or not interested in women period.
Alex sat at the bar while Olivia finished up breakfast. "When are you ever going to let me take care of breakfast?"
"You did a few weeks ago – we all went out and you insisted on paying, remember?" Olivia said, even though she knew Alex meant cook.
"I mean cook for you and Noah," Alex said. "You always do the cooking … come to think of it, for nearly every meal we have when it's not take-out or going out."
"I'll let you cook … when I decided Noah needs a fire safety lesson and I can have the firefighters on standby," Olivia said, trying to hide her laughter.
"One time, Liv!" Alex said. "I started a fire ONE TIME in my kitchen. Grease fires are very common, you know."
Olivia chuckled and Alex rolled her eyes at the brunette.
"You know, I cooked for Brandi and Amber all the time when we were together. In fact, just last week, Amber came over for a visit and I made dinner for us," Alex said.
"How is that going? Seeing Amber sometimes? Is it weird for you and Brandi?" Olivia asked. She had some plans for the day, but she also wanted to make sure Alex really was over Brandi and ready to move forward – hopefully with her.
"It's going ok," Alex said. "Amber is old enough to understand for the most part that I'm not dating her mother anymore and that I'm just an adult who cares about her. That said, I have a feeling I'll probably begin to see less of her."
"Oh?"
"Well, Brandi has started dating again – a couple of months now – and it seems to be going somewhere," Alex said. "It just seems weird to continue too much of that relationship and maybe confusing for Amber who is just getting to know this new woman in her life.
"So we talked about limiting it a bit," Alex said. "I mean, I'll still send birthday gifts and so forth, but the regular time together maybe is moving to a natural end."
"I understand," Olivia said. "It's tough on the young ones, but I'm glad you still have that relationship. How about Brandi? How do you feel about her relationship?"
"Good!" Alex said. "They seem compatible and Brandi seems and looks very happy. Just relaxed, you know. Of course, that could also have to do with having Jerry completely out of her life."
"Well, enough about the past," Olivia said, sitting Alex's plate in front of her. "What would you like to do today? I mean, Noah will be gone for hours, so we should take advantage of it."
"I hadn't really thought about it," Alex said. "I didn't know we'd be free."
"In that case … do you trust me?" Olivia asked, as the continued eating breakfast.
"Of course," Alex said, then quickly wondered what was going on. "Wait, you're not going to make me like go to the gun range or something with you, are you?"
"No, though that would be fun to do someday," Olivia said. Alex rolled her eyes. "I thought after breakfast, we could go for a walk in the park, it's a nice day out. And there was a new boutique I wanted to check out nearby. You know, just a day doing things that Noah isn't too fond of. Grownup things."
"Sounds like a good day planned," Alex said.
"Day? Oh, we have plans this afternoon and evening, too," Olivia said.
"We do?"
"I mean, if you have time," Olivia said.
"I'm all yours," Alex said, smiling.
#
After a day in the park, shopping and eating ice cream, the two ladies found themselves at a double feature of old movies: Casablanca and Citizen Kane.
Olivia had arranged for Amanda to watch Noah after his playdate with a classmate, so he could spend time with Jessie. Amanda insisted she let Noah spend the night so she could get a break. Amanda didn't know exactly what Olivia had planned or what she was doing, but she knew it must be important and wondered if it didn't have to do with Alex's presence a bit more frequent around the squad room after hours now.
Olivia had arranged for their favorites from Tony's Italian to be delivered when they got home and opened a bottle of red wine as Alex put their food on plates instead of cardboard containers.
"I haven't had Tony's in forever," Alex said. "In fact, last time I had it was …"
"In my holding cell?" Olivia said, laughing.
"Yeah, we can laugh now," Alex said. "I promise you, it tastes much better this time."
"Well, just make sure I get that fork back," Olivia said. "After all, you are a 'dangerous criminal' who might attack me with it."
The two women laughed. They could laugh about the situation now, finally, and seemed to have both healed since then.
"More wine?" Olivia said, as she poured herself a third glass.
"I'm good," Alex said. "I've barely started my second glass."
Olivia shrugged and sipped her wine. She was nervous, even though she was sure she didn't need to be.
"You OK, Liv?" Alex asked. "I mean, by all means, drink as much as you want. Noah is gone, so you deserve it."
"No, it's … it's not that," Olivia said. "I'm just … nervous."
"About what?" Alex said, confused. They'd had a perfect day. She couldn't have asked for a better day to spend with Liv.
Olivia took another big drink then sat her glass down. Alex instinctively sat her down too and pushed her plate farther away. She had a feeling the brunette wanted to say something and wanted to make sure Liv knew she had her full attention.
"You know how I told you after all the Brandi stuff about the night at the river? How it felt like my heart was being ripped out?" Olivia said. Alex nodded. She wasn't sure where it was going, but she hoped she knew.
Olivia continued. "You told me about how you processed those feelings and explored your sexuality. The night you told me all this stuff, that we talked about it, you thought I was going to tell you I was straight. And I mean, you weren't exactly wrong."
Alex's heart sank.
"Wait, I just mean," Olivia said quickly, seeing Alex's face. "Even if I acknowledged my thoughts on sexuality in general had progressed and as much as I believed I'd be open to being with someone who made me happy, no matter their gender, for all intents and purposes, I lived my life as a straight woman – even if I've always known my feelings haven't always fallen there.
"What I'm trying to say is hearing what you went through and thinking back on other relationships I've had with women – especially with you – it's challenged me to be honest with myself. The truth is, I've always been attracted to women. I'm also attracted to me. But I've never really considered giving a relationship with a woman a try. The only person who's ever made me think hard about it, to want it, even if I never said it, was you. When you left…I knew that I missed my chance, that we missed our chance.
"Then when you came back and just … well, ignored me, things never were quite the same," Olivia said.
"I'm sorry about that," Alex said. I was struggling then too with who I was.
"I know and you don't owe me an explanation," Olivia said. "Suffice to say, I just re-wrote our history as much as I could. I moved on and decided just to kind of settle into the life – and sexuality – I had seemingly chosen.
"But, these last several months have been….well, almost like a second chance for us," Olivia said. "When you laid everything out for me, with no expectations and just asked to reconnect, I wasn't sure what would happen. To be honest, I figured we'd just go by the wayside again, like we have other times. But that thought you put in my head – actually, no, it was encouragement, motivation, strength. Knowing you could do this, make this decision, made me think really hard about what I wanted from a relationship … and who I wanted it with."
Olivia stopped for a moment to gauge Alex's reaction – the look in the eyes of the blonde, filled with love, made Olivia's heart stop. She knew it was everything she wanted.
Olivia reached down and took Alex's hand. "Alex Cabot, what I'm trying to say – what I've been drinking extra liquid courage to say – is will you go out with me? Will you give us a chance, if I haven't waited too long? I want to do this – and I want to do it with you."
Alex squeezed Olivia's hand. "You're sure? You're not just doing this because you think I want it, right?"
"I'm sure, Alex," Olivia said.
"OK, but I have one more question," Alex said.
"Anything. Ask away."
This time, Alex reached down for her wine and took a large gulp before moving closer to Olivia. She reached up, put her hand on the side of Olivia's face and seeing the smile on her face, she leaned forward – their lips touching for the first time. The lips she spent hours dreaming about, staring at, wondering what it would be like to kiss the detective.
Their first kiss was sweet and soft, but short.
When Olivia caught her breath, having been taken by surprise, she looked at Alex curiously.
"You had a question?" Olivia asked.
Alex smirked. "I think you just answered it."
As always, your reviews are appreciated. Love it, hate it, have ideas? Let me know with a comment or on twitter -rileyclocks!
