A/N: Well. This is the last one of the "original" Pandora's Box pieces. I've written the prologue to a multi-chapter follow-up to this one, taking place... oh, wait, maybe read the story first. But I'm sure then you can also guess yourself where the next one would most probably be set. And I'd actually write it (probably as one of the million pieces I use to distract myself from the het_bigbang story *head desks)... does anyone want to read it?

Anyway, just like all Pandora's Box pieces, this is unbeated but hopefully still okay :)


Pandora's Box: Can't Forget the War

Woran hält sich ein Krieger
Der den Krieg nicht vergisst
Woran glauben Besiegte
Die man niemals vermisst."

Rosenstolz, „Woran hält sich die Liebe"

"You're kidding, Laura. Come on, you have to be kidding me." She grins, as she tries to walk up the stairs to the apartment she shares with Evan, take out the keys and balance the phone between her shoulder and her ear at the same time.

"No, seriously, I'm telling you. I was practically shoving my badge in his face and he still kept telling me he wants to wait for some real agents. Honestly…" Dhati laughs but hey, this really isn't funny. She had been just this close to telling the guy she knows at least five ways of killing someone and making it look like an accident and asking him if he wanted her to demonstrate it.

But apparently, Dhati doesn't agree about this not being funny… at least she finally fumbled her keys out of her pocket and reached the apartment door. "So you're really busy, aren't you?"

She snorts. "Damn well I am. We're practically swamped with cases. You honestly have no idea what's considered terrorism in this country." It's been six months since she graduated from Quantico and finally moved in permanently with Evan but at times it feels like she's actually living in her office.

Yeah… it's been an eventful year, to say the least. Jorgenson's suicide attempt, Doc's divorce, Miko going off the grid for three months before resurfacing as a local employee at Kadena Air Base in Okinawa, acting as if nothing happened… and she becoming an FBI agent.

She'd never thought she'd go inactive before doing her full 20 but after being back from Pegasus… something just hadn't felt right about going about her usual duties as a Marine anymore and so she'd decided for the painful step of leaving active duty and going into the IRR, exchanging a military career for a career in law enforcement.

"But you'll have just a little bit of time for an old friend flying in all the way from Pakistan, right?" Snorting again, she unlocks the door to their apartment.

"Of course." Stepping in, she puts the keys in their usual place and flicks on the light, saying, "What do you think I am, some kind of…" She never finishes that sentence, though, because of the sight that suddenly presents itself to her. After swallowing to try and make the awful feeling of dread starting to pool in her stomach go away, she continues, "Dhati… I'm sorry but… I think we'll have to put a rain check on this conversation. I'll… I'll call you back as soon as I can." With that, she closes her phone, only marginally registering Dhati's suddenly worried enquiries and urgings to keep to that promise of calling her back.

Slowly, she puts the phone on the side table to her right and takes one or two steps into the living room, trying to comprehend what's happening here. There's Evan, sitting at the dining table, legs stretched out, chin propped up on his hand… and staring at a bottle of vodka, as she now recognizes after a few more steps towards him.

She throws the bottle a furtive glance and immediately feels ashamed for it. Just because Evan had had his share of swigs from the bottle of the impossible moonshine they brewed in Sheppard's group it doesn't mean he'd always resort to alcohol in times of crisis. And not to forget, she'd gotten to know that bottle fairly well a number of times as well. But yeah… she is relieved to see that it's apparently not even been opened yet.

However, the whole thing… scares her enough. He must have been sitting here for quite a while already, in the dark, just he and that bottle. Something must have happened, and it sure as hell wasn't something good.

Oh God, she thinks, please don't let it be any more bad news about the team. Please, please let be everyone okay. She feels panic rise from her heart and actually needs a moment or two to still her breathing and forestall any possible panic attacks.

A year ago, shortly after starting to see a therapist, she'd had the first and to date only panic attack in her life and she stills feels a bit ashamed of it, even though everyone told her it wasn't uncommon in PTSD patients to have those. So… she's extra careful about never letting it happen again… most of all not when someone else is the one having a problem.

She waits another moment but it looks as if Evan hasn't even realized yet that he isn't alone anymore so she takes the last few steps towards the table and carefully sits down in the chair next to him. He still doesn't react and because she's really out of ideas how to approach him and because she can't stop being scared about this whole thing, she clears her throat and tries to ask as casually as possible, "Is that the bottle of vodka you got from that Russian Colonel who visited your unit a couple of months ago?"

A moment of silence, then a slow nod and a single drawn out, "Yep."

Okay… okay, at least he's talking to her. That's good, right? Now… she just has to keep him talking, "But you haven't opened it yet?"

She half hopes that he turns to her, gives her the raised eyebrow and answers something like, "Wow, the FBI really did train you well… Agent Scully." But all he does is shake his head just as slowly as he nodded and say, "Nope."

Right. This is starting to get really weird… and really scary. "And were you planning to?"

Now a shrug. "Maybe."

Okay… note to self: no more yes/no questions if she wants to get anywhere with this. "Evan, what the hell is going on here?"

Damn. It wasn't supposed to sound so bitchy and impatient… but she does feel her temper flare, mostly because she has no idea how to handle this even though she should have, considering that she's probably the person who used to know him best in Pegasus and even after. And that he always seems to know what's going on with her. But instead of giving her a snappy comment in that direction… he shifts in his chair and now she can see an envelope lying on the table… which he takes up and hands over to her… still not looking at her.

A little wary, she takes it from his hand and pulls the piece of paper inside of it out. She unfolds it and reads it over, immediately recognizing the important keywords… and finally starting to get an inkling what this might be about… and that it triggered some things she always thought he had a lot less problems handling than she had. She swallows. "Afghanistan, huh?"

He nods again, just as slow as before. "Yep, it's back to the dirt." He tries to sound all casual, if a bit cynical but she can hear that he's anything but. In fact… it sounds like he's suffering beneath the calm and almost bored façade.

It pains her to see him like this and she wants to reach out to him, like he did to her a year ago on that landing stage. But she has a feeling that… this isn't the way to solve this, at least not yet. So… okay, probably one more yes/no question. "And… you don't want to go there?"

He laughs a short humorless laugh and she doesn't like to hear it. Whenever he's like that, he's desperately trying to hide that something really isn't okay with him. "Oh, wanting to go is not the problem. Being able to is."

What… oh. She'd been… right. And she can't believe… that now Pegasus is catching up with him, after all that time. Which is why she can't help asking, "Are… Evan, what are you trying to tell me?"

"You know, I honestly want to go there, do my bit, et cetera…" he begins with that casual, kind of bored tone that tried to hide the turmoil that must be going on inside of him, but then his voice breaks and he's finally looking at her when he continues, sounding something between disbelieving and desperate, "but I just… I can't."

Well, that admission… just made it kind of impossible to overlook the connection between Pegasus and his current condition. And now that he looked at her again, she saw just how deeply this is troubling and hurting him. It dawns on her that it must have surprised him as much as it surprised her because he didn't see it coming either. She takes a deep breath, knowing that what she's about to say now could probably end in a lot of tears. "Evan… you do know that you don't have to do it, right?"

She's prepared for dark looks from him, for being accused of never having learned anything about him, of not having cared to really get to know him… but what she gets are nervous little gestures like running a hand through his hair and pinching the bridge of his nose and several attempts at speaking again before he manages, "I know. Of course I do. I almost even… but I can't do that either."

God, he's… he looks so miserable and she thinks she's starting to see the issue here. On the one hand, the year in Pegasus made him unable to go on deployment again but on the other hand… he wants to and he does not want to quit and so he found himself in a terrible Catch-22, unable to take either of his options because both are bound to give him great pain.

She wants to say something – anything – but he beats her to it. "I love my job, Laura. I love flying those big birds and commanding my crew and I felt so good about that… that I was still able to do that, after everything." Unlike her… but when she'd decided to leave active duty he'd been the first to support her decision unconditionally, and she'll always love him just for that alone.

And she owes it to him to support him in his decisions but it also pains her to see him suffering and the thought of Evan over in Afghanistan, exhausting himself and driving himself mad with trying to do his job, protecting his crew and not going insane with everything from Pegasus coming back to him at the same time… it makes her feel his pain as if it were her own. Most of all… most of all he'd be alone there, the only one having to deal with all the crap from Pegasus in his head, with no one there he could talk or who can understand him like she does… wait.

A thought comes to her… a call she'd had two days ago, from her first CO, Colonel Eva Dimitrios. After coming back from Pegasus, Colonel Dimitrios had surprised her with being among those calling her and they'd kept up a lose sort of friendship, with the Colonel telling her about news from the Corps and she telling the Colonel about news from her adventures in Law Enforcement Land.

And two days ago… the Colonel had told her about a new strategy in Afghanistan that involved foot patrols accompanied by all-female teams that were supposed to do the things male Marines couldn't do – talk to the women and children, distribute humanitarian aid directly to the women… that kind of thing. They called those teams Female Engagement Teams and it had caught her attention. Apparently enough that the Colonel had hinted at being in the position to make it possible for her to go active again and join one of those teams… if she wanted to.

Biting her lip, she looks at Evan again, knowing that she's about to do something that could end with probably even worse consequences than lots of tears. But she just can't bear seeing Evan unhappy and she'd do everything to see him freed of whatever makes him miserable. Even if it may lead to having to do something she isn't sure is a good idea. She takes a deep breath again. "Evan… way I see it… there are exactly two choices. Either, you quit… or I go active again." There. It's out. She'd really do anything for him… even join up again, although a year ago she'd felt so uncomfortable on active duty that she'd taken a painful leave from the Corps.

"No." Right… that had to be expected, seeing as Evan had always had a tendency to be overprotective when she was concerned.

But damn it, just for once, it's her turn to be overprotective. "Look, Evan…"

"I said no," he repeats and glares at her, probably ready to end this conversation at any moment.

She was never one to be intimidated easily, though, most of all not when it was about someone she loved. She holds up a hand to forestall any further comments. "Wait, wait, wait! Hear me out."

However… he obviously doesn't intend to because he gets up forcefully enough that his chair hits the table and makes the bottle of vodka fall over. He doesn't look at her, walks away from her and leans heavily on the backrest of the couch, his back to her. She can see how tensed his entire body is and it occurs to her that he just jumped up because he's rattled enough that he might do something very stupid – like yell at her, for example – and it had been the only way for him to keep himself from doing that.

Very carefully… she stands up herself. "Evan…" No response apart from straightening up and tightly crossing his arms in front of his chest, but she just refuses to leave him alone, here as much as in Afghanistan. "Evan, you once said that the one thing that saved you back in Pegasus was me. I can do that again."

Another prolonged silence, then… he turns around again, looking kind of… helpless. "But… but you don't have to."

It sounded a bit uncomprehending… holy… did he honestly think she didn't care enough about him that she were able to see him like that and do nothing about it? That she wouldn't put all her private misgivings behind herself and do what was necessary to make sure he was alright, and gladly at that? She shakes her head. "Maybe not… but I want to."

Part of the tension has eased away again but it left behind a troubled man, slowly starting to be unable to control all the things trying to overwhelm him. She realizes that no matter if he wants her to touch him or not, he's starting to need her close to him, so she carefully inches closer to him, step by step.

It seems, though, that he doesn't even notice her coming closer because he runs his hand through his hair again and is busy with trying to appear unfazed… like his little outburst was just a minor irritation. "Look, I just… I just don't want you to regret doing this for me."

As if she ever could. Wondering how he can still doubt her like that, after everything they've been through, she closes the last bit of distance between them and reaches out to trail her fingertips down the side of his face. He closes his eyes, like he's trying very hard to keep everything inside of him… but it never worked for her so she doubts it will for him.

Very softly she tells him something she should have told him ages ago, "I never regretted doing something for you or being with you, Evan. No matter where I was or what I did."

For a moment, there's silence and stillness… but then he leans forward, puts his forehead against hers and takes her face into his hands. His eyes are closed and he tries to say something but his lips are moving without making a sound and finally giving in to her urge to let him feel that he's not alone – instead of only saying it, because words always sound so hollow to her in situations like that – she moves to embrace him.

Thankfully her timing had been stellar just for once because he hugs her back fiercely and buries his face in her hair. In a way, she's glad about it, even if Evan being emotional like that isn't exactly a standard situation. But at least it means that he gave up bottling up everything inside of him. And at least finally she can give something back for all the times he'd been there for her when she needed someone to simply hold her.

She just hopes that standing here and not letting go of him, burying her hand in his hair and putting kisses on his temples is enough to help him cope with what Pegasus left him with… or at least show him that no matter how he decides, she'll be there for him.

In the end… she doesn't know how long they're standing there like that – could have been two minutes but could also have been two hours – when he slowly loosens his hold and moves so he can look at her again. She can feel him trying to pull away and because she isn't fast enough he managed to get out of her embrace. Still looking a little out of sorts, he runs a hand through his hair and looks anywhere… but her. "Damn, that was… I'm sorry, Laura. I really shouldn't have… I'm sorry for being a wuss."

At that… she doesn't know whether to laugh or to feel sorry for him. Which is why, in the end, she whacks him on the arm and glares at him. "Hey, what the hell was that for?" he says, rubbing his arm and fixing her with a look that's part hurt and part annoyed.

Now she'd like to laugh but that would totally destroy the educational effect, so she continues to glare at him and replies, "For being an idiot. Did you really think I wouldn't be able to judge a breakdown the right way? Honestly, Evan… I'm not the Wicked Witch of the West."

He rubs the back of his neck, still looking embarrassed – now hopefully for judging her wrong – and ends up saying, "Of course not. Although, sometimes…" Wait, is that the hint of a crooked grin there? He didn't just… "But I guess I am the cowardly Lion."

Damn. She'd love to hit him on the arm again, for suggesting something as stupid as that… or maybe call him her Scarecrow, just to get back at him. But… he's been through enough today and he'd just tell her that she is the Wicked Witch, after all, so she cups his cheek and tells him the truth, "No, you're not. If anything, you've always been the Tin Man." And to forestall any protests or deliberately wrong assumptions, she grins a little and adds, "And guess who Dorothy always loved best."

Come on, she thinks, don't pretend you didn't get what I'm trying to tell you here… "In case you're suggesting that you are Dorothy here… I certainly hope it was the Tin Man." Okay… okay, that's close enough.

Grinning, she compliments him with "Good guess," and rewards him with a kiss. He responds immediately and that tells her that even though this is far from over, she probably did something right today.

This assumption is fed by the grin he has on his face when he breaks the kiss. She can still see traces of turmoil in his eyes but something tells her that this grin isn't just there to plaster up the cracks but a sign of genuine relief. "So," he says, "how are you gonna break your boss's heart?" Huh? What the… "I mean, how are you gonna tell him he'll have to do without you for God knows how long. It would sure break my heart."

Oh. That… huh. He tried to sound casual but… that's probably as much of a confirmation of her suspicions as she'll get. And it… still surprises her, even after he told her that he loved her, and after he put up with over five months of him being in Ohio and her being at the other side of the country, in Virginia and after he stuck with her through therapy. Yes… yes, it still surprises her that it would break his heart if he couldn't be with her. Well… looks like he isn't the only one who still has to learn a lot about his significant other.

However… they had enough distress for today, so she decides not to dwell on that any longer and simply says, with a smirk, "Be thankful, then, that I care more about your heart than about that of my boss."

He gives her a kiss on the forehead and answers with his voice a little hoarse "Believe me, I am."

Damn, he always manages to wind her up enough that her voice gets caught in her throat, and if it's only for a moment. Trying not to make him see how easy that is for him, she clears her throat and moves to climb over the couch's backrest – something he doesn't like her doing and that she loves to use to tease him with – and says, "Okay, so… I'm a little torn about the dramatic approach and the casual one… any ideas?"

Making a point, he takes the long way around and lets himself fall down beside her. "Mh… since you always were a bit of a drama queen…" Okay, she knows he's baiting her but she just can't help whacking him on the arm again but this time he starts an immediate counterattack and starts to tickle her.

While they're fooling around on the couch, the unbidden feeling of dread regarding the thought of being a full-time Marine again hits her but… she'll be damned if she lets that ruin her day now, after all the other things couldn't and resolutely, she shoves that thought in the dark corner where it belongs. Plenty of time to take care of it later… now she has to put a Zoomie in his place. That always takes precedence over everything and thank God for that… and the incorrigible Zoomie she ended up with.

"What does a warrior hold on to
Who can't forget the war
What do the defeated believe in
Who aren't missed."

Rosenstolz, "What Does Love Hold On To"