Before I get started, I have to give a credit to whyyesitscar. The story Naomi tells about Cook stabbing himself in the butt in chapter 5 was directly inspired by a story whyyesitscar told on twitter a few weeks ago. I included as a tip of the hat / homage like the musical tributes in chapter 2. I had a thank you in the original postscript A/N for chapter 5 explaining all that, but apparently I managed to lose it when editing between versions because it is not in the version that made it to FFN. Typical. Anyway, whyyesitscar has written some of my favourite Naomily stories, including Swan Song. If you have not read that story yet you should, because you are missing out on something really special.

And if you have not read EmZ2009's conclusion to Feel It yet you are also missing out. Go read it. Go! You won't regret it!

As for this chapter, well, you know how sometimes how things have to get worse before they get better…? Yeah. Well. This is one of those times. Angst zone ahead.

Chapter 8 – And it all falls down…

Emily

I can't believe it. I just had the most life-altering, earth-shattering kiss of my life and as soon as it was over Naomi bolted. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or kick the ass right out of her. At the moment, kick the ass right out of her feels like the best bet. I'm pacing like a madwoman around and around the bloody bench, stopping every now and then to vent my anger by giving it a solid kick and yelling, "Fuck you, Naomi Campbell" at the top of my lungs.

She is the most frustrating person I have ever met, bar none. Even my mother never did my head in like this. That kiss… Jesus, there is no way she could kiss me like that and not mean it. She has to feel this, too. She just has to. But if she does, then why the fuck would she run like that, as though all her worst fears were chasing her? I want to tell her to go fuck herself for running out on me. But whenever I try to imagine never kissing her or holding her again it just kills me. I have made a mistake. A bad one. At some point as we kissed I let go of my heart and I gave it to her. It literally feels as if my chest just opened up and let her walk inside. And her answer to that was to run away, leaving me here in the dark. As the reality of that sinks in I fall onto the bench and start sobbing my heart out in huge, gasping tears. I cry until I can't any more, until I am spent.

I don't know how long I've been at the bench, but it's late now. I should try to sleep but there's obviously no way that's going to happen tonight. Instead, I make my way back through the forest, struggling to see the dark path in the torchlight through my red, swollen eyes. I manage to get back to the barracks in one piece and decide to head for the mess to see if I can get some tea. There's no real tea left, just herbal crap, fucking shortages, and of course it won't be hot because the electricity is out. But I need something, anything, to give me some measure of comfort tonight.

When I get to the mess I'm surprised to see Effy there. She's tucked in the corner by herself, just sitting in the half-dark. I know she saw me come in, but she hasn't moved. I get my tea from the kitchen, and walk over to her table.

"You're up late," Effy says. Her voice is flat, and she looks about as happy with life as I am right now.

"Yeah. You too."

"I couldn't sleep. Bad dream." She looks distracted. I briefly wonder what's bugging her, but I don't have it in me to deal with her problems right now. I have too many of my own.

"Yeah, me too," I say bitterly, "I just had mine while I was awake."

"I have a little experience with that, too," Effy says and chuckles grimly. Again, I think about asking for an explanation – there is obviously a story to go with that little comment – but right now I just can't worry about anyone's feelings other than my own. So instead I quietly slide into the seat opposite her, holding my mug in both hands.

"You look like shit, Emily," she notes, eying me up and down. "What's happened?"

"Naomi," I tell her.

"Ah." She nods. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I'm pretty sure Effy would prefer that we didn't, but I can't help it. I need to talk to someone, and she's here, so she'll do.

"We kissed."

Effy's eyebrows barely move, but I can tell she's surprised. Still, she doesn't reply, and that pisses me off all over again. "What the hell is going on with her, Effy? Every time I think I'm getting through to her she shoves me back. What is that?"

"I'd like to help you, Emily, but it's not my story to tell."

"Jesus! Why does everyone keep saying that?" I am frustrated, and I end up raising my voice. Effy doesn't even blink an eye.

"It's like I've been telling you all along, Emily," Effy says. "It's complicated. More than you know."

"Effy, I need more than "it's complicated." I know you have this whole "don't talk, be mysterious" thing going on, but I really need you to give me more than that. I mean seriously, what the hell is going on?"

I can see her trying to work out whether to say more. In the end, she does. "Naomi went through something bad, Emily. We all did, but it hit closest of all to her. I know we all have our stories since the Crash, but hers has got her caught in its grip and she keeps getting lost in its shadows. She's trying really hard to come back from it, but she can't quite let it go. Not yet. But she sees you, Emily. She can't help but see you, and that's part of what's making her crazy."

"That's not good enough."

"I know. But for what it's worth, you are the first new person I've seen her care about in ages. I think you could be good for her. But you're going to have to be patient. Because she is going to keep getting tangled up fighting between what she thinks she is supposed to do and what she wants to do until she can't fight it anymore. Give her a chance to come around, Emily. You know this already, I think, but she's worth it."

And with that, Effy gets up from the table and walks away, stopping only briefly to rest a hand on my shoulder as she passes. That was the most I have ever heard her say in one go, and even though I don't really have any more answers than before, she has made me feel at least a little better. She didn't tell me what's going on. But she didn't say it was hopeless, either. And she seems to actually be okay with the idea that Naomi and I could get together. I have somehow managed to pass the Effy Stonem test as someone good enough for her best friend, and as crap as the rest of the night has turned out to be, I have to admit that, at least, feels good.

X X X

Naomi

I got up early this morning, before sunrise. It was not hard to do since I had not really slept. I did not want Emily to be able to find me last night so I huddled up in the briefing room instead of going back to my room. Between being buffeted by my relentless thoughts and the freezing cold of the night air, sleep was not exactly an option. It is obvious that I have almost no restraint around Emily now. She invades my mind and I cannot control my reaction to her. I was an idiot to think I could. Everything I am feeling for her just keeps making me feel unfaithful and I cannot handle it. I need to put some distance between us, at least for a while longer. And so, I find myself back at Command after returning from another day in Bath, pleading for Kieran's help and understanding.

"Kieran, please. I am begging you. Please, please transfer Emily off the team, just for a little while. I can't cope with her right now, it's impossible."

Kieran moves around his desk towards me, resting his hands lightly on his hips. His posture is deceptively relaxed. If I did not know him so well, I would have missed the signs. But I can tell already that this is not going to go well.

"Is she doing her job?"

"Yes, it's not…"

"Does she know what she is doing?"

"Yes, of course, but…"

"Has she screwed anything up?"

"No, but that's not the point!"

"It's exactly the point, Naomi, and if you'd take your head out of your arse for a minute you'd see that. She's a good tech and a good fighter. And we need her to make the rescue plan work. You know that as well as I do. And she is a good fit with the rest of the team. If we bring in someone new now we won't have that." He sighs, putting his hands on his hips and looking me square in the eyes. "Naomi, whatever problem there is here, it is yours, not hers, and you need to get over it. She is the best possible choice for this mission, and nothing, but nothing is more important that this mission."

I see a chance to use that, and so I grab it. I am getting desperate now and I will try anything. "But that is my point, Kieran. I can't focus right now, not with her around me. So, for the sake of the mission you need to keep us apart." That is total b.s., but it is the one straw I can see to grasp at, however wildly.

Kieran does not buy it. He walks towards me, laying a hand on my elbow. "Naomi, I know it's hard. I can see that, and I understand it. But you need to let her do her job, and you need to do yours."

"No, Kieran. Just… no. I can't do this if she's involved."

"Naomi, that's enough. I know your shooting is back on form so don't give me that crap. I get reports every day, for god's sake. Two days running you've hit every target from every vantage point and every distance, and you did it again today. So whatever your problem with Emily is, it isn't interfering with your shooting, not any more. This isn't about you being able to do your job. This is about you running scared. I've let you push this so far because I love you, but that's enough. I don't have time for this anymore and neither do you. You are the leader of that team, and Emily is your Comms Tech. That is not going to change, so figure it out. I want to be really, really clear about this, Naomi. I don't want you back here about her again. I love you, lass, but you need to stop acting like a twat, and you need to start right now."

"Love me? Yeah, right. You sure have an odd fucking way of showing it, Kieran. Thanks for fucking nothing!"

I crash out of the office again, slamming the door behind me with my heart beating a mile a minute. That's it. My one chance of avoiding this emotional clusterfuck is gone. I am trapped. There is no way for me to avoid Emily now unless I blow off the whole mission, and he fucking well knows I won't do that. I can't do that. I let off a small piece of my frustration with a scream as I slam my arm and fist against the wall. It is impressively loud. Too bad it doesn't change a damn thing.

X X X

A couple of hours later I am heading back to my room to try to catch up on some of the sleep I have missed over the past two nights. I skipped supper and grabbed a cold shower instead, washing off the dust from the day and trying to clear my head at the same time. No luck with that, unfortunately. As I make the last turn, I see Emily coming towards me in a rage.

"What the actual fuck, Naomi?" I have never heard her speak so harshly. She is so angry she is visibly shaking from the effort to restrain herself, and her hands are clenched tightly at her sides as though she has to hold herself back from hitting me. "You asked Kieran to transfer me off the team? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

I don't know what to say, but I know I do not want to have this conversation in the middle of this hallway.

"Can we talk about this in private please?" I start walking up the hall towards my room, which is just a few feet away. I don't really want her in there, but it is better than the alternative. Emily mutters under her breath but then follows me. When we get into my room she closes the door and steps towards me as I step back.

"Just so you know, my first thought when I see you, is not 'I want to fuck that girl.' We've kissed. It was nice. But it's also nice just being with you, when you're not being a prick, that is."

"Emily…"

"No. No, Naomi, this is not okay. You don't get to run to daddy Kieran and try fuck with my job here because you get a little uncomfortable. We had a moment. It was nice. It meant something to me, and I thought it meant something to you. But obviously not or you wouldn't have fucked off like that, and you sure as hell wouldn't have pulled this bit of shit. If you aren't interested all you had to do was say so, but this? No fucking way do you get to play with me like this. People have manipulated me all my life – not any more. You don't want me, fine, but don't you dare fuck with me like that ever again. Jesus. Just… seriously, just fuck right off, alright? When you decide to stop being an ignorant cunt you can let me know. In the meantime, you do your job and fucking well let me do mine, and other than that, just stay the hell away from me."

She leaves the room, slamming the door behind her. She has completely misunderstood what is going on, completely misunderstood my reaction. She is obviously done chasing after me this time, and I can't decide whether I should be glad about that, or heart-broken. I did not want to hurt her and I certainly did not want to piss her off like that. Everything is just spiralling out of my control. I am so tense from being on the receiving end of so much anger from her that I have to take a moment before I can even move. The idea that she might actually hate me for this has my stomach churning. I am sweating from the stress, and my shirt is sticking uncomfortably to my back. Before I can process what just happened, or get even the smallest grip on my reactions to it, my door opens again and Effy comes storming in.

"You are a fucking idiot, do you know that?"

"And what are you pissed at me about." Jesus, I cannot deal with anything more today.

"You should be more careful when you go running to Daddy, Nai." Oh, great, she knows, too. Fucking hell, am I ever going to catch a break?

"Yeah, you should look worried. One of Katie's team was walking by the office and heard you popping off about taking Emily off the team. He told Katie, of course, with whom I have just had a very uncomfortable conversation thank you very fucking much, and Katie told Emily, who, as you probably know, is in the process of losing her tiny fucking mind."

"Yeah, I already had a visit from her, thanks so much for the warning."

"You are a complete idiot!" Effy's frustration is obvious as she runs her hands through her hair, looking back up at me with a look so sharp it could cut. "Do you not get how lucky you are?"

"Lucky? What the fuck do you mean 'lucky?'"

"An amazing woman is standing there with her heart in her fucking hands just waiting for you to let her in. You should be dancing on air with glee, grabbing hold of her as fast as you can and instead you are being a total fuckwit. Do you have any idea what I would give to be in your shoes? To have the person I want want me back? And instead, I get to watch you piss it all away because you are too fucking scared to take a chance. You have never disappointed me Naomi, not in all the years I have known you. But you are definitely disappointing me now."

That does it. That is more than I can take. "Don't you dare take your shit out on me, Effy. It's not my fault you can't have Katie, and you have no bloody right to compare the two situations. They are nothing alike and you fucking well know it, so don't you pull "you're disappointed" on me. That is not fucking fair!"

Effy stares me down for another moment, and then just shakes her head and leaves my room. She does not even bother to shut the door behind her. Jesus Christ, what a mess. What's next? I collapse onto the floor, leaning back against the wall with my knees pulled to my chest, and I stay there until I can stop the shaking that started as soon as Effy walked out the door.

X X X

Emily

A few days have passed since my fight with Naomi. I am no further ahead at controlling the way I feel about her, either the attraction or the rage. The team has been given a day off from the mindless recon missions. While I appreciate the break from that boring routine, the change in schedule has just left me with even more time to think. I need a break from that, too, so I haul myself off my bunk and head to the mess for yet another cup of tea. That seems to be all I do when I'm on base these days; head to the mess for another round in the endless trail of crappy teas.

Before I can make it through the line, I'm flagged down by Cook. "Hey, Emilio. Gonna have to wait on that tea, yeah? We just got called to a briefing."

That's weird. Briefings are always first thing in the morning, and this is the first I am hearing about having one now. I ask Cook what it's about, but he's as much in the dark as I am. We start heading to the briefing room, stopping along the way to pick up JJ. Apparently Naomi and Effy are already there.

When we get to the briefing room, I'm surprised to see that Katie and Thomas are there, too. I'm even more surprised to see Commander MacFoeinaiugh. A long table and some chairs have been moved into the room, along with a couple of black boards and what looks like a pile of maps or charts. Naomi and Effy are already sitting near the front of the table. Katie, Thomas and the Commander are standing talking to each other by the centre blackboard. Katie gives me a nod in greeting, but stays focussed on what Thomas is saying.

When he notices that we have arrived, the Commander tells us to grab seats. When we are settled, he tells us that what we are about to hear is highest level security clearance. I sit up straight at that.

"You have probably been wondering what Naomi has been doing for the past weeks. She has been training for a top secret mission that you are about to be briefed on. You will each have a role in this mission, and from this moment on, every waking minute will be focussed on preparing for it. Mr. Tomone and Ms. Fitch will begin the briefing. If you have any questions, ask them. If you see potential problems or a way to do things better, speak up. We have a lot of ground to cover and it is important that you are each completely clear on what is expected of you."

With that, he gestures to Thomas and takes a seat himself. The rest of the briefing is almost surreal. We have to rescue some guy, but they won't tell us why – just that it's "essential to our defence." Finally, we are going to get some action. Although I'm starting to get the feeling that this may be more than I was bargaining for. I sneak a look over to where Effy and Naomi are sitting. They don't look surprised, but if they know more than we do they aren't saying yet.

The weirdest part for me is when Thomas tells us that the reason we know where the hostage-takers are, and what their plans are, is because of Katie. I mean, I knew she was good at her job, but this is a whole new level of good. Thomas is a man of few words, but he makes a point of giving Katie huge credit for what she did. I confess I don't understand it – it's something to do with using traffic analysis to identify probable locations, and then applying rotating decryption algorithms and a whole lot more that basically meant blah blah di blah to me. When we all looked a little blank, Katie simplified it.

"We looked for any site with a lot of transmissions in and out, analyzed each for whether it made sense as location to hold a hostage, including topography, access to water, easy exits, and so on. Then we narrowed it down to three possible sites, and studied each one until we could break their codes and figure out for sure which one was the one we were looking for."

Looking around the room it's clear that even that isn't really simple enough, but we've got the gist. And for our purposes, all that matters is we know where they are and there is a plan for getting the hostage out.

Thomas is talking to me now, running through the communications monitoring they have in place, and what communications systems we'll be using during the op. He's going to connect me with some of their team, including Katie, as well as the Communications Unit to get me up to speed on what I'll need to know, and to do, during the mission.

The Commander takes over, walking JJ and Cook through what their roles will be. He moves on to fill us all in on what Naomi will be doing during the rescue. I'm surprised that she will be the sniper. From what I have seen lately, she doesn't seem stable enough for that, but the Commander seems to have confidence in her. And so does Effy, if I'm reading her expression right. Maybe she knows something we don't. Even Cook must have some of the same concerns I have, because he looks over to Naomi and asks her about it.

"So how's your shooting been, Naomikins? It's been a long time…"

Naomi nods her head, acknowledging his question, and his concerns in one smooth movement. "You all have reason to wonder about that, so let me assure you, my shooting is solid. It was not when I started, but it is now. You will get a chance to see that for yourself at the training grounds."

Despite everything that's happened, I'm looking forward to seeing her in action. I've been hearing about "Naomi Campbell the sniper" for years, but have never had the chance to see it in person.

The Commander takes the opportunity to tell us about a training compound they have set up at Bath. That's where we'll be spending most of the next week, it seems. The plan is to start with daytime training there tomorrow to get the basics of the op under our belt, and then we'll switch to night training as we get closer to zero hour.

When the briefing is over and all our questions have been answered, we are to split up to focus on our specific tasks. Before leaving the briefing room, I take a moment to congratulate Katie on her success. "I have to admit that I didn't understand half of what you said Katie, but from what Thomas said, you obviously did something pretty amazing here. I'm really proud of you."

Effy moves by us on her way out of the room. "Good job, Katie. Well done." She gives Katie a smile, and is just about to continue on her way when Katie answers.

"Thanks, Effy. Hey, take care of my twin out there, okay?"

Effy seems a little surprised by that request, as am I. Like I need someone to take care of me! Before I can object, Effy says, "Of course." Then she looks back at me and when she sees my face she adds, "We'll all take care of each other, right Emily?"

Given how screwed up the team is right now I'm not at all sure that she is right about that, but there's no point worrying Katie about it. "Sure, Effy. Of course." She throws Katie another smile and heads out the door.

I say my good-byes to Katie, too, even getting a tight hug from her, and a whispered, "Stay safe." I'll see her again before we leave, but she's already worried. I know she hates it when I'm out on a mission, especially one as dangerous as this is likely to be.

I head over to the communications building to be briefed on all the equipment we'll be using, how to fix it, and what's going to be expected of me during the rescue. JJ does the same with the munitions group. Cook heads over to logistics to be briefed on our planned route, what non-communications equipment we'll need, and how we'll pack it all on the Rovers and still maintain balance and sightlines for the guns. I don't know where Naomi and Effy got to, but I assume that Effy is being briefed on the sniper shot Naomi needs to make – or at least what the intel is saying the shot will be like.

We all have a lot to do and learn, and not a lot of time to get it done. And I have to figure out how I'm going to pull off my part in the middle of a team with Naomi fucking Campbell. Right now, the best plan I have is to ignore her as much as I can. Not much of a plan, I know, but now that I know about this mission I'm even more pissed at her for trying to get me moved off the team. Since I can't kick her ass in the circumstances – still my first choice - ignoring her is going to have to do at least until the rescue is complete. All bets are off after that.

XXX

Naomi

Our little happy family is anything but and it is really starting to get to me. I mean, I know life is messy and raw and imperfect, and that is what makes it compelling. Perfection sucks. It's boring and flat and uninteresting. But right now, I could really use a little less mess in my world. It is so fucking imperfect that it is killing me. I totally get now why "may you live in interesting times" is a curse and not a blessing. If my life gets any more fucking interesting I am going to explode.

Emily is blanking me again this morning. She will speak to me if the work requires it, but otherwise, nothing. Not even a good morning. And from someone as warm and welcoming as her, it is pretty noticeable. Things are getting tense between Cook and Effy, too. He knows something is off with her, but of course she will not tell him what. I have tried to protect her the best way I can by telling him that she is just pissed at me and it has nothing to do with him. I figure that is least I can do right now. He knows Emily is pissed at me, too, so he didn't question my story.

Even so, Effy is keeping her distance from me. She is still seriously upset with me and is not shy about letting me know it. All in all it has been a rough couple of days. The tension is freaking JJ right out. He has been locked on a half a dozen times already and it's not even noon yet. The whole fucking team is falling apart just when we need most to come together. The rescue is less than a week away. We have got to find a way to get past all this shit and work together again.

For now, though, I need to try to concentrate on today's exercise. We are back at the training ground in Bath. We are traveling in our normal team vehicles. My driver was released from that duty once the full team was on the road together again. When we were loading up this morning, just like every morning we have come here, Emily didn't even wait for me to assign seats. She just climbed into the truck with Cook and JJ without a backward glance. I should not be surprised by that – I am the one who pushed her away after all - but I still don't like it.

We went through our team checks once we arrived at the site and then we split up to head to our respective positions. We are just running our own portions of the plan today, not coordinating with the extraction team. I am in my firing position, running a communications check. Effy and I realize pretty quickly that while I can transmit, my walkie isn't receiving. Apparently Cook was mouthing off about laying bets on whether my shooting streak would continue or not, but I could not hear him. He was pretty excited when things went well yesterday. Effy clued me into the reception problem I was having and passed on the fact that Cook is betting on me missing at least once today. Nice. I know he is just playing with me, but now is really not the time.

I decide to go ahead with the test run anyway, with Effy just relaying to me any information the others send that I need to know. What I don't realize is that Effy has called in Emily to fix the problem. Instead of letting me know, she just lets me get blindsided by Emily's arrival.

"Naomi?" Effy is trying to get my attention.

"What?"

"Emily is here"

I turn my head to see her, and feel my body react to her presence. "What…?"

"I need to look at your walkie..."

Right. The walkie. Damn Effy anyway. I stand up out of my prone position, making sure first that my rifle is secure and clicking on the safety. Once I am standing, Emily moves towards me. She is deliberately not making eye contact. But she has to step in close and go up on her toes a bit so that she can get to the handset, which is in the top pocket of my armoured vest right over my left breast. It is connected to an ear piece and a transmitter that wraps around my throat and sits next to my larynx. I can feel the transmitter rise and fall as I swallow hard. Emily has to reach up and lean into me to disconnect the handset and pull it from the pocket. The feel of her so close to me and yet so distant is torture, and I know I have only myself to blame. I chose this, I made it happen.

Thankfully, it does not take her long to remove the unit and disconnect it from the peripherals. I take a step back from her while she works. Being that close to her is messing with my head. It does not look like she is having the same problem, though. From what I can see her concentration is absolute. I realize that I have never seen her do the specialized work she is known for. She opens the handset and explores it for a minute. It does not take her long. I can see it on her face when she spots the problem. She makes some quick readjustments, I can't quite see what, and then closes it up again. Emily does a test call that JJ answers, and it is done. She definitely knows what she is doing.

"All fixed," Emily says, handing me back the walkie. She obviously does not want to get close enough to me again to put it back in my chest pocket. As soon as I take the unit from her, she turns away without another word. I watch her walking away from me, heading back to her position. Fucking hell. I have spent hours upon hours trying to find something not to like about that woman, something I can use to brace up my walls against the pull I feel towards her. But there is nothing. There is absolutely nothing not to like. She is smart, and kind and warm and funny, and worst of all she is sexy as hell. Even in full combat gear she is the sexiest woman I have ever met. And she does not seem to have any idea of the power she wields. How screwed up is it that being pretty much ignored by her is just making it worse, not better? I have to keep reminding myself of the reasons why I have pushed her away.

"Ready, Naomi?" That is Effy breaking into my reverie, bringing me back to reality as usual. We have work to do, and no matter how upset with me she may be Effy will not let that get in the way of us doing our job. I shake my head to break my trance. I need to get my head back in the game and focus on making this shot. I do a little mental pep talk, and then go through my pre-shot routine. I have to do things in a certain order. I guess I am a bit superstitious, but it is more about being consistent. That is what helps ensure a perfect shot. That and the mantra I still use despite everything: the memory of Emily Fitch saying she believes in me. Her voice in my head has become an essential piece of my routine, as fucked up as that is in the circumstances.

Effy sets up along-side me once I am in the prone position. She is my spotter. It is her job to work out wind speed and direction, adjust for elevation, help me determine distance to the target, and if I miss, she will have only a split second to figure out where the wayward shot went and to give me the necessary corrections for a second shot.

Effy and I have done this many times before, so we slip into a familiar routine fairly easily. This training session is more to continue familiarizing the others with their roles, especially JJ and Emily who have the most to do. But it is still a chance for me to practice my shot so I am working with live ammunition. We go through the full drill a half a dozen times, and then call it a day. We debrief at the trucks, and work out some small changes that we'll implement at the next practice run when we put our bit together with the extraction team's bit.

Talking through the communications aspects with Emily during the debriefing brings back with full force my reaction to her standing so close to me to get my radio. I flush red from the heat caused by my attraction. I know we need to talk about this. The tension with Emily is getting to me, and is obviously getting to the rest of the team as well. I can't let this fuck up the mission. I can't let her in, but I can't completely shut her out either. We need to find a way to work together for everyone's sake. As we're loading up for the drive back, I almost decide to shift the seating for the trip home so that Emily rides with me, but I don't. I do not want to make it so obvious. I decide instead to find a moment to talk to her in private back at the base.

Effy is not too interested in waiting, though, and she starts in on me almost as soon as we climb into the Rover. "Interesting day," she says once we are on the road, eyes locked like lasers on the side of my face.

"Yeah, it's good we got the chance to be out here as a team."

"Not what I meant." And she sits there, leaning against the passenger door, staring at me as I drive, her right foot tucked up under her butt. I can feel the disapproval coming off of her in waves. I don't answer. I mean, what can I possibly say that I haven't said before?

There is silence for a while before Effy says, "You need to deal with this Naomi. We leave in 5 days and the team is all over the place. You need to make it right and you need to do it today."

I don't know why she keeps pushing me and it is really starting to piss me off. I have no good answer for her that won't just push us into another fight, so I just stay quiet, staring straight ahead at the pockmarked, broken road.

"You could have a second chance here, Nai. And instead you are letting your fear fuck it up." I know right away she is talking about Emily and how I reacted to her today, but I still do not answer and I still do not take my eyes off the road.

"That's not what she'd want, you know." I know right away that this time she is not talking about Emily at all.

"Everyone has their breaking points, Nai. I should know – mine have been splintered and patched so many times I've lost count. But you don't have to cross that line. You didn't break then, Nai, not completely anyway. And I know you won't break now. You have friends, people who love you who will help you through whatever comes, just like we did before."

My emotions are getting out of control as I listen. I can feel the anxiety rising, and I know I need to get Effy to stop before it is too late. "I really don't want to talk about this Eff."

Effy looks at me for a minute more, then turns and looks out the windshield. "Fine. But you know I'm right. You can't change what's already happened. I wish you could. But you can't. And she wouldn't want you to wait forever."

She has hit a nerve with that one, square on the most sensitive spot I have, and I hit a different kind of breaking point. All the frustration and worry, all the conflicting emotions, and stress and uncertainty, and all the crippling fear that I have been bottling up comes flying out of my mouth. I can't seem to make it stop. I unload it all on Effy. "Jesus Christ, Effy, can you maybe just fuck off and leave me alone for once in your fucking life? I have enough to deal with right now without you endlessly pushing me to do what you want. No matter what you think you aren't really some all-knowing prophet, you know? So just fuck the hell off and stop pushing me! And while you're at it, how about you start fixing your own fucked up life for a change instead of constantly trying to screw around with mine."

Effy does not say a word. She looks at me with her "nothing affects me and I don't give a shit" face – the face she never, ever uses with me - and then turns away and looks out the passenger window, ignoring the venom I have just spewed between us.

We spend the rest of the trip in silence. I am grasping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles have gone white. I don't know how to even begin to fix what I just did, and Effy obviously is not interested in anything I have to say right now anyway. The gulf between us is huge and feels like it could be unbridgeable. I am an asshole. Such a complete and total fuck up of a friend. But Jesus, why does everyone have to keep pushing and pushing me? Why can't everyone just leave me the hell alone for even one minute?

When we arrive at the base I tell Cook to write the debrief report. He tries to ask me what is wrong, but I take off before I can do anything else to make things worse and before anyone else can get up in my face. I don't know where I'm going, but I know I have to get the hell away from here before I lose it again.

I move blindly without any set direction, just heading into the empty city, needing to keep gaining distance so I can get back some control. My thoughts jump chaotically from relief to anger to remorse and back again, but one question keeps haunting me: How the hell do I keep finding myself running, pushing away the very people my heart most wants to be near?

X X X

So, it is probably quite obvious that I am not a sniper, and in fact have never held a gun or rifle in my life. But it is amazing what you can find if you google "how does a sniper set up for a shot?" Scary as hell, but amazing. I have no idea whether the source I used is a good one, so if there are glaring errors or omissions, please excuse them.

And don't worry, Emily and Naomi will actually talk to each other again. Soon, I promise.

If you feel inclined to review, I would love to know what you think.