Chapter 8
"Hey," Chloe says.
Both Jesse and Beca look at Chloe as she looks from Beca to Jesse and back, an unanswered question in her eyes. There is also this look in her eyes that Beca has come to recognize is something that she only has whenever Beca mentions Jesse. She certainly seems to have that look now when she sees Beca and Jesse together.
"Oh, uh, hey, Chloe," Jesse says, sheepishly now, putting the laptop down as Beca promptly grabs her laptop from him. "We were just…hanging out…"
"He's an ass, don't mind him," Beca says now, glaring at Jesse. "Um, what are you doing here?" she asks Chloe at about the same time Jesse says, "Because you wouldn't give me a copy of your new mixes!"
"Are you fucking twelve?" Beca turns to him, rolling her eyes as she does so.
"Fine," Jesse says, before he glances at his watch, looks up at both women and says, "I've got to go anyway. I'll catch you guys later, yeah?"
Both women nod as Jesse goes back to the living room to grab his laptop before he marches back to the front door, says goodbye to the two women and leaves, but not before catching Beca's eye when Chloe's back is turned, and he gives Beca a thumb's up sign. Beca replies with a swift middle finger in his direction. Jesse smirks as he gets into his car.
They both watch him drive away in his car before they both step inside. They stand in front of each other, in the hallway, not knowing what to say, before Beca speaks up and says, "Um, do you want some…tea, or something?"
Chloe nods.
"Okay," Beca says now.
Over hot brewed coffee for Beca, tea for Chloe, in Beca's kitchen, both women sit near each other, not knowing what to say. Beca still can't believe Chloe is here, in her kitchen, where before she'd just wished she was here and now Beca is completely overwhelmed by Chloe's presence, drinking in her wild profusion of red hair, the smooth skin, those incredible blue eyes that are now currently looking down at her mug of tea.
There is silence between them, before Beca says, "So how long are you staying for this time?"
Beca hates that the question doesn't sound as casual as it should, that it actually sounds like a whine, a complaint and she bites her lower lip when she's asked the question, before she shakes her head and says, "I…I didn't mean it like…I'm sorry…"
Beca swallows. She starts to flush from embarrassment. She thinks maybe she has overstepped the line and she stares into her coffee cup and suddenly has the urge to walk out, or disappear off the face of the earth.
Chloe sits silently before her, not offering any answer, and Beca feels the anxiety and panic start to build again. The thing is, she's afraid, afraid Chloe will leave again, when all she wants is for Chloe to stay, maybe stay forever, but Beca doesn't want her to stay just because Beca asked her to, but because she wants to stay. Chloe hasn't shown any indication that she had wanted to stay. If anything, this side of Chloe, this carefree, free spirit side of her, seems to be in full force these days, and Beca sometimes feels like any day now, Chloe will up and leave like she did when they were at Barden and Beca would be left to pick up the pieces again, like she had when Jesse had left.
She tries to push all these thoughts and feelings down though, knowing that thinking of all of these things right now, so early in whatever it is that she has with Chloe now, isn't particularly helpful or healthy. The only thing Beca knows is she thinks she might be feeling something more, something deeper for Chloe, and she hasn't actually asked herself what all of it could mean, or how it would affect what she has now with Chloe. She knows though that she just wants to be next to Chloe. And that she's really glad Chloe's with her right now.
She watches Chloe as she runs a finger on the rim of her cup. She shrugs. "I don't know."
When Chloe doesn't say anything, Beca asks, "You okay?" She fights the urge to run away from this awkward situation right now.
Chloe nods.
Beca leans over. "Okay. So you don't seem okay…I…"
Chloe gazes at Beca for a few seconds opens her mouth, starts to speak, then shuts her mouth again. "Beca…" she starts.
Beca knits her eyebrows. "What?"
Chloe takes a deep breath. "What…I don't know how to say this but…what's up with you and Jesse?" Chloe finally asks.
Beca shrugs. "We're friends."
Chloe gives her a half smile. "Friends." It is a half-statement, half-question. She nods, looks down at her mug, then looks up again. "Friends…right." She stares down at her mug again before she looks at Beca and says, "You make a habit of kissing ex-es who became friends again?"
Beca is taken aback by Chloe's tone. "What? No," she sputters. She reddens. "Of course not. I…we…we just…he's Jesse…"
"Who happens to be your ex-husband…"
"Yes, but…"
"Who you recently divorced…"
"Yeah, but that doesn't matter…"
"Who, for awhile, you were so devastated over and suicidal over…"
Beca's face reddens. "Yeah, but that's….all water under the bridge now…"
"So what's up with you two then?"
"We're friends," Beca reiterates.
Chloe shakes her head. "No, you and I are friends…You and Jesse… I don't know…"
Beca is about to answer then she stops, knits her brows and says, "What's up with you? We weren't doing anything…."
Chloe shakes her head. "Nothing."
"I mean, it's not like we were doing anything wrong," Beca continues. "We were just…fooling around…"
"See that's the thing with you, it's just…fooling around and not taking things seriously and just…"
"What the big deal?!" Beca cuts Chloe off, her voice high and irritated. "He's my ex-husband, we've known each other since college, what do you expect me to do…?
"Nothing," Chloe says.
"What, you expect me to just forget the 10 years we were together?"
Chloe starts to shake her head. "No."
"So what do you want me to do?" Beca demands.
"Do whatever you want!" Chloe shoots back.
"Do whatever I want," Beca says flatly. She realizes then she is standing close to Chloe.
"Yeah. Do whatever the hell you want."
"What I want?" Beca confirms.
"Yes!" Chloe says irritatedly. "Just do whatever the hell you want, I don't care…"
Before Chloe finishes her sentence, Beca has leaned up, grabbed Chloe's face and plants a long, deep kiss on Chloe's lips.
A silence descends on both of them. Surprise registers on Chloe's face, then confusion, then a few other expressions before she puts her hands on Beca's shoulders and pushes her back.
"Beca, no," she says softly.
Beca is confused as well, she tries to speak, but Chloe says, "No, Beca, no."
"Chloe…"
"What is this?" Chloe says, her voice higher, her face a mixture of emotions, but mostly irritation.
"I thought…"
Chloe shakes her head. "No, you can't…" When Beca tries to speak, Chloe cuts her off, "You just can't, Beca…You can't just...do that..." She pauses before she says, "I mean...what does all this even mean...?"
Beca is confused, but she smiles, hopeful, uncertain, and says, "Chloe...I don't know what we have right now but...it doesn't have to be anything you don't want it to be, okay? I mean...I know this is happening too fast and I don't even really know what it is...but we can take it slow and I know you think I'm still hung up on Jesse...but nothing's going on and I kind of just want to see where this one goes instead...I..." Beca falters, realizing she's rambling, realizing Chloe is silent. Chloe is looking at her with an expression she's never seen before. Anger.
Chloe just looks at her and shakes her head. "Beca, you shouldn't be with anyone right now..."
"Chloe..."
Chloe is firm. Her voice is cold. "No, Beca, you shouldn't be with anyone right now. Not Jesse. Not me. Not anyone."
"Chloe, please..."
"I think I should leave," Chloe says.
She starts for the door. Before she opens it, she says, "I don't really want to see you ever again, Beca. I'm sorry. I thought I could do this. But I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't go through this again. I'm sorry."
