METROID: con-FUSION

By tikitikirevenge.


Disclaimer: Metroid and all related names and characters are the property of Nintendo. This is because, in reality, Nintendo is a front for the evil Space Pirates who hope to lessen our reasoning capabilities by creating games which force us to neglect our better judgement. We must stop them now! You know how… it's in the ice cooler…


The Elevator Scene


Samus and the Geemer stood in silence as the elevator moved out of Brinstar Blue and up into Crateria.

Samus made her plans clear. "When we get back up, not only are we going to check the Conspicuous Room for any Morph Ball Bombs, we are heading back to wherever I threw my ship."

"We?" said the Geemer.

"Let's put it this way: I have someone to talk to; you don't get fried to death!" said Samus. "It's a fair deal."

The elevator continued to move up.

"Funny," said Samus to nobody in particular. "This seems to be taking longer than it used to. Is the elevator slower or something?"

"No," said the Geemer. "But I believe Brinstar has sunk slightly after Mother Brain disappeared."

"Yeah, I was wondering about that," said Samus. "I saw the planet explode. Why didn't it?"

"No idea," said the Geemer.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long has this elevator been moving?"

"Shut up, I was going to say that," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long has this elevator been moving?"

"Shut up, I was going to say that," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"So…" said Samus.

"So…" said the Geemer.

"Some light music would be nice," said Samus.

"How long has this elevator been moving?"

"Shut up, I was going to say that," said Samus angrily.

They waited as the elevator moved up.

"GAH! That's it!" screamed Samus, banging her head against the wall. "I can't take this any more!"

The Geemer said, "Maybe you could do the morph ball thing again…?"

"Brilliant idea!" said Samus. She activated Morph Ball mode on her power suit, and the clumsily inserted anti-depressants began to cheer her up in no time.


"That was amazingly – fiendishly clever, Kraid!" congratulated Ridley. "I'm quite sure it was accidental, but nonetheless!"

"Woo! I did something useful!" yelled Kraid, punching the air above his head.

"Because of the ridiculous number of anti-depressants you crammed into Samus' morph ball," said Ridley, "it should leave her with reduced judgement and quite possibly with a degree of insanity. She'll be helpless!"

"So we just have to ask her to do her morph ball thing," said Kraid slowly.

"And she'll just agree?" said Ridley sarcastically.

"Yep," said Kraid naively.

"She won't, you dolt! No, we have to make her let her guard down, then trick her into using her Morph Ball thing!"

"But how do we do that?"

"Beats me," said Ridley, "I was hoping you'd have another uncharacteristically good idea."

Kraid shrugged, and went back to drinking.


"So what do we do with a drunken sailor; what do we-"

-note that Samus was currently extremely anti-depressed-

"-do with a drunken sailor; what do we do with a-"

"Suicide suddenly seems like an interesting option," said the Geemer.

"-drunken sailor; early in the-"


Draygon, who had spontaneously fainted a few minutes ago, recovered consciousness.

"Hey, pretty," she said alluringly, "what're you doing all alone?"

"Don't call me 'pretty'," snarled Ridley.

"Oh, sorry, sweetie-pie-"

"Don't call me that either," snarled Ridley.

"But I think it suits you," said Kraid.

"Shut up," said Ridley.

"Okay," said Draygon, "I'll just call you something more to your taste, okay, love?"

Ridley completely snapped and then went berserk. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" he yelled, panicked. "I can't take this any more; I want out! I want out!"

Crying pitifully, Ridley left the room anticlimactically.


"Okay, I've had enough," said the Geemer. "Samus, get out of the morph ball or I'll have to poke you with a stick." It didn't mention that there weren't any sticks in sight.

"Eek! Sticks!" said Samus, who left morph ball mode and instantly felt better again. "Well, that was a rush… wait, you don't think…"

"True…" said the Geemer.

"Anti-depressants!" they both shouted at the same time.

"It explains a lot… but who in their right mind would put anti-depressants into a morph ball that they couldn't use?" wondered Samus.


"Ridley is gone," said Kraid solemnly.

"Long live Ridley," said Draygon equally solemnly.

"Enough with that," proclaimed Kraid, "let's get stoned!"


Ridley sat in his private office, brooding quietly.

"How could I possibly have let idiots like that anywhere near me?"

He yawned, stretched his wings, and ate a Space Pirate who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I have half a mind to kill them, but they're nearly impervious to fire, shrapnel, lasers, electricity, logic, common sense, and anything else I could throw at them."

Ridley further considered.

"Wait… there is an option…" he said, beginning to smile.


"So how long was I out?" said Samus, shakily standing up.

"About half an hour," said the Geemer.

"And we're still in the elevator because…"

They both stood in silence.

"So…" said the Geemer.

Silence.

"STUPID FREAKIN' ELEVATOR!" yelled Samus.