Cooper ran all the way back to the house and locked the door behind him. Mark was still chasing him and there was going to be hell if he caught him. Apparently Mark had a problem with his driving skills, which was something he just couldn't understand. He thought that he was a good driver. Sure he went a little fast sometimes and he occasionally hit something, but that was beside the point. The point was, he was a fucking good driver, and he did not deserve to be killed by Mark just because the old man was turning into a pussy with age.

Gil, who hadn't left the house when everyone else out, gave him a strange look. "What the hell you running from?"

"I'm not running from anything," Cooper lied. He walked over to the couch and reached into the cushions. "I'm just taking some precautions." He pulled out a baseball bat he kept stashed there in case of an emergency.

Gil rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure. Whatever."

Cooper glared at him. "Don't whatever me! You don't whatever a serial killer!"

"Well I just did," Gil replied. "Now what are you going to do about it?"

Before Cooper could think of a response to that, Mark came in through the front door. Cooper almost asked how the hell Mark got in without breaking the door down, but then he remembered that Mark more than likely had his keys with him. All the bastard had to do was unlock the damn door. "Fuck!" he said in exasperation. He held up the baseball bat. "You stay over there, or I'm cracking your skull with this!"

Mark glared at him before holding up a tire iron. "You're completely overreacting," he said. "I wasn't going to--"

"If you weren't going to do anything, then why did you come in here with a tire iron?" Cooper asked, cutting Mark right off.

Mark looked down at the weapon before shrugging. "Okay, so I was going to threaten you a little bit with this. But it's only because I need you to find someone to teach you how to drive better. You drive exactly like James does."

Cooper gave Mark a defiant look. "So? What's wrong with the way Dad drives?"

Mark rolled his eyes. "Come on Cooper, don't ask stupid questions like that. You know exactly what's wrong with the way James drives."

The part that sucked was that Cooper did know that. James drove like a complete and total maniac. "I'm not as bad as he is," he said defensively. "You're overreacting because you're a pussy."

That little insult instantly brought some fire into the Deadman's eyes. "Don't you fucking start that shit with me boy," he growled. "I'll fucking knock your head right off your body if I have to."

Cooper raised the baseball bat up so he could be prepared for Mark attempting to do just that. "Try it pussy!" he challenged. Maybe this wasn't the best idea that he had ever come up with, but now that he had gone down this road, he would be damned if he stopped now.

Gil put his hands up. "Hey now, don't fight! It's Christmas. This time of the year is about peace on earth and good will toward man and--" He stopped when he saw the incredulous looks Mark and Cooper were giving him. "Fine," he said in defeat. "Just forget it." He began to walk away. "If you need me, I'm going to be calling the girl I took out last night."

Damn, the old geezer has game, Cooper thought in amusement. That was where that thought stopped though, because the last thing he wanted was to get an icky visual in his head. To distract himself from the thought of Gil getting laid, he looked at Mark. "Well?" he said, waving his bat around just a little bit.

Mark just shook his head. "Have you gone completely insane? Why would you want to--damn it boy!" He raised the tire iron so he could block the baseball bat Cooper was now swinging at his head.

Cooper just laughed. Now he was just feeling ornery, so he was going to go after Mark whether the older man liked it or not. "On guard!" he yelled, acting like this was a damn sword fight or something. Mark blocked all of his swings as best as he could, but Cooper knew that it was just a matter to time before the bat met the Deadman's head.

"What the fuck are you two doing?" James asked as he and the others came back into the house.

"Your son is attacking me!" Mark replied. The "sword" fight was moving all around the room, and the missed swings were knocking all kinds of shit over.

"I am not!" Cooper denied. "He's attacking me!"

"Well I don't care who attacked who first!" James told them. "I didn't tell you two that you could fight in my living room so knock it off!"

Cooper and Mark ignored him. Cooper was having too much fun swinging a weapon at Mark's head and if Mark stoopped defending himself now, he was going to get his head taken right off. James, who hated to be ignored almost more than anything else in the world, ran out of the room and came back with a golf club. "I swear to God, if you do not stop fighting, I'm bashing both your--fucking shit child!" James was instantly pulled into the fight because Cooper tried to hit him too. "Have you gone completely insane?"

"Maybe," Cooper replied. Now he was fighting both Mark and James at the same time and he was doing pretty well for himself. Of course it helped that James didn't want to hit him so he was only defending himself and Mark seemed reluctant to fight back too hard because James would really get pissed if Cooper got hit too hard. So in reality, the two of them were easy pickings for Cooper.

"Go Coopy!" Connor cheered. He was clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

"You're not going to cheer for your daddy?" Jeff asked in confusion.

Connor shook his head. "Nope. I want Coopy to win. Go Coopy!"

"Aw, that's sad," Jeff said. "I'll cheer for your daddy then. Go James!"

Connor glared at Jeff before smacking him. "No! You cheer for Coopy!"

"But--"

"No buts! You do what I say bitch!" Just to prove his point, he smacked Jeff across the face.

"Hey!" Matt said as Jeff cried out in pain. "Don't do that!"

"I do what I want!" Connor said defiantely. He went to hit Jeff again and that was when he was tackled by Matt.

"Hey!" Cooper shouted. He saw that and he immediately abandoned the fight he was having with James and Mark so he could smack Matt right on the back with his bat. "Get off my brother!"

Matt groaned in pain as soon as the bat made contact with his back. "Damn it Cooper," he grunted as he rolled around on the floor in pain.

"Hey!" Adam said. He shoved Cooper in the chest as hard as he could. "What the hell was that for?"

"He tackled Connor!" Cooper pointed out.

"Yeah really," James said, glaring at Matt (who was being tended to by Jeff). "He's lucky I don't do something to him for that."

"He smacked me first!" Jeff pointed out.

"So?" Cooper and James said at the same time.

Phil leaned over towards Glenn. "These people are crazy," he whispered. "Why do we hang out with them?"

"Because Mark is family," Glenn whispered back. "And James is my in-law."

"You need to find a new in-law then."

James glared at Phil. "I'm not exactly sure what you just said, and you better hope I don't find out."

Phil gulped and hid behind Glenn.

Mark put up his hands. "Okay people, let's just settle down. I want a truce right here and now."

"Yeah really!" Gil yelled from the other room. "Do you know how hard it is to have phone sex when you're making all that noise in there?"

The words "awkward silence" were truly redefined at that moment. Nobody knew what to do or say in response to that. Even James was at a loss for words, and that rarely happened.

"Dad!" Matt whined the same time Jeff yelled "Gross!"

"I'm scarred for life now," Phil whimpered as he buried his face into Glenn's back.

Mark held up his hands to signal for everyone to be quiet again. "We're going to go out and go do something," he said gravely. "Maybe see a movie, or even just go for a drive. And while we do that, we're going to forget we ever heard that. Do you understand?"

"But but....he's going to get old people jizz all over my things!" James protested.

"James!" Mark growled.

"But he is!"

Cooper rubbed his eyes. "Dad....I want to put you at ease right now, but I'm too grossed out to even go there. Can we please just get out of here and try to forget we ever heard that?"

"Ooohhh! We could think about how I'm going to perfect my kidnapping Sandy Claws plan!" Connor suggested.

Everyone groaned.

Connor glared at them and pulled out his knife. "What was that?"

"Nothing," they all said quickly. They weren't going to mess with Connor today. Not when they had to forget about Gil's phone sex.

"Good," Connor said happily. "Now let's get going. I want Sandy Claws' head on a silver platter, and if I don't get it, there will be hell to pay!"

Cooper gulped. He knew Connor was serious and that was actually kind of scary. Must live through this holiday, must live through this holiday...