a.n. I abandoned the story Boyfriend a few months ago, and several people asked for me to finish it. This is that ending that was asked for. As I pulled the original, what I've done is put it all into this extraordinarily long one-shot. Most of the first 10,000 words are the same, but I've made some alterations to make it better. So if you've read it before, you don't want to skip to the end.

Now. This is set mid-season 4, pre-47 seconds, but after Cops & Robbers. The case I have them finishing at the beginning of the fic is entirely a figment of my imagination. Also, this will be one of the few fics that I write that will be truly mixed perspective, in other words, you'll see me switching back and forth between Rick's POV and Kate's POV. I will try to make it plain who is doing what.

I should also say that later in the story there will be a very slight crossover with NCIS-LA. I'm just borrowing one or two of their characters. You don't need to watch that or read the fanfic for that to understand what's going on here.

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, a fact that we should all be happy about.

xxxx

They had just finished one of their biggest case of the year. A low level mob boss had taken umbrage with several of his minions and had systematically culled the ranks of his associates with bullets to the back of the head.

They'd caught the guy, and were celebrating outside the 4th floor elevator when it opened and a handsome man stepped out and headed in their direction. Castle at first didn't pay him much attention as he, as per usual, only had eyes for Kate. They were laughing at a particularly crude joke that Esposito had spewed out moments before when the man from the elevator came up behind Beckett and put his arms around her waist.

Shocked for a minute, Kate looked back at the man. She relaxed when she saw who it was, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. Castle, wondering who this guy could be, scowled at the intimate nature of the gesture.

Kate turned back, now avoiding Castle's eyes, and said, "Guys, I'd like you to meet Rob, I guess you could call him my boyfriend." She kept talking for a few moments, but Castle's brain had shut down when she had called this…this man her boyfriend.

I thought I was waiting for her, his brain said when it finally kicked into gear again. She said that she couldn't have a relationship until we solved her mom's case. I thought she meant me. He knew that his inner voice was whining, but he was completely shocked. Their relationship had grown a lot closer since she had come back from her shooting. He could have sworn that he had seen love in her eyes when she had come into the bank after the explosion. He must have been wrong.

After greeting the man who was apparently dating his Beckett, he made his excuses and headed out of the precinct. He couldn't stay there any more, watching as she leaned into the arms of another man. How could she do this to him? Did he mean so little to her?

His only conclusion was that she must not feel the same way. She must not love me. I must have read it all wrong. To say his heart was breaking would have been an understatement. After walking through the precinct doors, he wandered aimlessly through the streets of New York City, wondering where in his life he'd gone wrong. Apparently there was no one that could love him.

xxxx

She hadn't exactly wanted Castle and Rob to meet. After she had dragged her new 'boyfriend' out of the precinct, ignoring the looks from Esposito and Ryan, she had lit into the man. "What were you thinking coming into the precinct? I told you I was going to come pick you up tonight!"

"I just wanted to surprise you," Rob said, taking her hand and leading her to the curb to call a taxi. "Why does it matter?"

Why does it matter? Because Castle loves me, and now I'm rubbing another relationship in his face, Kate thought bitterly. She had met Rob soon after the sniper case, when she had started to drink rather heavily. She'd needed a release, someone who she didn't have to talk to, someone so unlike the caring loving Richard Castle, so she had picked up Rob one night in a bar, taken him home and screwed his brains out. She had meant it only to be one night, but she had called him the next night and they had a repeat performance. And the next night. Now they'd been 'dating' for two weeks and she was stuck. She loved Castle, but was too much of a coward to tell him, and now she was in a relationship with another man, if she even called it that. If she were honest with herself, she was using Rob for sex.

"It matters, Rob, because I wasn't ready for you to meet my team. I like to keep my personal and professional life separate."

"I'm sorry, babe. I didn't even think about it, it just seemed like something to do."

Kate grunted as the taxi made its way to her apartment. She had no idea what she was going to do now. She had been working diligently with Dr. Burke to get her shit together so she could one day be with Castle. She felt like shit knowing she was keeping her man waiting, but she needed to be whole before she could start anything with him that would last. Now that he knew she had begun 'dating' again, he'd stop waiting and think she didn't have feelings for him. He'd leave and she'd never see him again. Kate could feel the panic attack starting. If he leaves, it'll be over. I can't live without him anymore. How could I do this to him?

xxxx

All he really wanted to do was get drunk. As drunk as possible. But he had a family to look after, and he would not abandon Alexis or his mother just to satisfy his own need to bury his hurt. So he sucked it up. Walking into the loft, Martha immediately knew something was wrong with her son.

"Oh, Richard, what is it?"

Rick shook his head, not really wanting to talk about it. "It's nothing, Mother."

"Nonsense," Martha said, waving her hands and walking up to him. "Now tell me what happened."

So he did. He led her over to their couch and told her everything.

"How could she do this mother? Or did I read it all wrong? I thought…I thought we were getting closer, getting to the point where we could have a future together. But now she's dating another guy? How could she do that to me again?"

"Oh, Richard. I'm so sorry. Maybe…maybe it's time to move on."

"What do you mean? Give up?"

"It's not giving up if you've already lost, Rick. It's realizing that the game is over and someone else has won."

He thought about that for several minutes when he realized that his mother was right. He had to move on. He was always going to love Kate Beckett, he knew that. But she didn't love him. They'd always be partners and maybe friends, but they'd never be any more. He was 41 years old, and he wasn't getting any younger. It was time to really find the one. He had thought it was Kate, but apparently he was wrong. He needed to find the right one now, and move on with his life.

"You're right, mother, of course. I have to move on."

"So are you going to stop shadowing the good detective?"

Rick shook his head. "Not right away. If I just up and leave, she'll know why. And I have to stay there to keep her away from her mom's case. Even if she doesn't love me back, I still don't want her to throw her life away. When I've either solved the case or have another piece of information for it, I'll take it to her and she'll end our partnership anyways. In the meantime I'll distance myself from her and the team. I'll be there for the cases, and that's it. And she'll be 'Detective' or 'Beckett' from now on. 'Kate' is too personal for a professional relationship. I'll also start looking into ending the Nikki Heat series. This next book will be a good stopping point really, as Rook is healing from the bullet he took for Nikki. They can get together at the end, and ride off into the sunset together."

"Any ideas what you'll do next?"

Rick smiled for the first time since he left the precinct. "Something different. Maybe some science fiction or perhaps a historical drama. Something that doesn't involve the NYPD in any way."

They talked for another hour about what the future would bring. Castle knew only one thing for sure. His future was a little bit duller now that he knew it didn't feature Katherine Beckett.

xxxx

The next two weeks were some of the hardest of Kate Beckett's life, and that was saying something. Castle, the day after Rob had shown up unexpectedly, had started to distance himself. After her shooting he vary rarely called her detective or Beckett, instead opting to call her Kate. She liked that. Now all he ever called her is Detective or Detective Beckett.

She should have known that this would come to bite her in the ass. It was completely unlike her, but since her shooting she hadn't been behaving in her usual manner. According to Dr. Burke a lot of how she had been acting, including the constant mood swings and the increased reliance on alcohol were symptoms of severe PTSD. She, of course, had done something similar after her mother had died. She'd started partying, sleeping around, and drinking much more than was good for her. Only her desire to see justice done for her mother had gotten her out of that hole.

Now, she thought she knew better. However after that sniper case she had lost it, and nothing in her life seemed normal. She couldn't even remember why she had called Rob for that second night, let alone stuck with him for two more weeks. It was like she was living in a daze that she couldn't pull herself out of.

Then there was Castle. She knew that now that he knew she was 'dating' again (though she wouldn't call it that), he would stop waiting for her, and she couldn't blame him. She knew she didn't deserve him. That was one of the reasons why she hadn't started up with him right after her shooting. He deserved better.

That of course, didn't mean that him pulling away from her hurt any less. She had tried everything she could think of. She even mentioned that she broke things off with Rob, but he didn't seem to care. He simply said that "It's your life, Detective, what you do is your choice. All I want is for you to be happy."

She had tried to get him to go to drinks with her and the boys, but he always begged off. Not that drinks out with the rest of her team was something that she looked forward to anymore. Ryan and Esposito had started to give her the cold shoulder as well. Even Lanie was mad at her.

Kate sat at her desk, waiting for Castle to come in. He had been absent from the precinct the last two days, but she still had hopes that he would make an appearance. He had only been coming in when they had cases to work, unlike before when he'd show up almost every day including paperwork days. She needed to talk to him. Explain what had happened, why she had done what she had done, and tell him the truth about that day in the cemetery. She knew, however, the minute the truth passed from her lips he'd be gone for good, and it would be all her fault.

Sighing, she got up to get herself a cup of coffee. It was going to be a long day.

xxxx

Castle had talked to Lanie. He needed to find a real date. All the women he knew, except Kate of course, only wanted him for the fame and fortune that would come from dating a highly successful author. It was one of the things that he loved most about Kate. She didn't care about his money or his fame. In fact, she hated it.

Over the last two weeks he had tried to stop thinking about her as someone he loved. He tried, instead, to think about her as a colleague, but it wasn't working. He had decided he needed to do two things. First he had booked himself an appointment with a shrink. He needed to get his mind right, and he needed someone, who wasn't his mom or daughter, to talk to about his 'Kate obsession'. He knew he needed help to get over her.

The second thing he decided he needed to do was start dating again. His problem was that he didn't know any women who were 'real' enough for him to consider dating. He was done with bimbos and the playboy lifestyle. For Richard Castle, it was time to grow up, or he was never going to get the life he wanted.

So a week after he had met the infamous Rob, Castle had talked to Lanie. She was trustworthy enough that he could talk to her without it getting back to Beckett, even if the ME was Kate's best friend.

-Flashback-

"Hey Lanie, you got a minute?" Rick asked as he entered the ME's domain.

"Hey Castle, sure. Beckett with you?"

"No. I could use some advice and maybe some help."

"Oh?" Lanie turned around from her desk, looking the author in the eyes for the first time. "And what might I advise the great Richard Castle on today? You know I don't work for free, don't you?"

Rick smirked. "Of course. Just name your price."

"Spill first, then I'll send you a bill."

"First I need your word that this won't get back to Detective Beckett."

"Is this personal or professional?"

"Personal, actually."

"Then sure, you have my word."

"You know she's dating again, right?"

"Javi told me. I don't know what the hell that girl is doing. I take it you're done?"

"I'm done waiting for her, Lanie, yes. I've got to move on, which is what I wanted to talk to you about. I need a real date. All the women I know, at least those that would consider dating me, aren't real. I'm done with bimbos. Do you happen to have a female friend who wouldn't mind being set up on a blind date?"

They talked for over an hour, while Lanie thought about his question. She did have several single friends who would be great for Castle, but she wanted to know more about where he was headed before she'd start doling out phone numbers.

"Are you going to stop shadowing Detective Beckett," she asked at one point.

"Yes, but not right away. There are a couple things I need to do first, and I still like coming into the precinct and working the cases. It makes me feel useful again. I really hadn't felt that way from a professional standpoint since I was in the military."

"You were in the military," Lanie asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Did Kate tell you about my naked equestrian adventure?"

"Yeah?"

"Well obviously I got caught. And it wasn't my first offense of doing something unlawfully stupid. So the judge told me I could go to jail or join the military. I chose the Navy."

It was this revelation of a man she thought she knew that made Lanie's mind up for her. She had the perfect person for Castle.

-End Flashback-

And that was how Castle ended up sitting at a fancy restaurant across from a gorgeous woman. Her name was Kensi Blye, and she worked for NCIS. She'd just been transferred to New York. They'd been talking for a couple hours, and Castle couldn't believe how much they had in common.

She talked as much as she could about her career, and he shared stories of his brief but exciting time in the Navy. He was shocked to learn that she had worked with Sam Hannah out in LA. He'd known Sam in his days.

When Castle got home that evening, he had a smile on his face. He couldn't remember ever having a better first date. The best part? He hadn't thought about Kate Beckett at all.

xxxx

Two weeks after Castle's first date…

Kate stormed into the morgue on a warpath. She couldn't believe her friend would do this to her. "Lanie!"

Kate had found out that her worst fears were true. Castle had started dating again. In her mind, though she knew she was being irrational and unfair, this was a betrayal of the highest order. And Lanie had been the one to set it all up! She couldn't believe it.

"What can I do for you Detective," Lanie said looking up sharply from the body she was working on.

"You set Richard Castle up on a date? How could you do that to me?"

Lanie huffed and pulled her gloves off after stepping away from the cadaver. "How could I? How could you? You knew that man was waiting for you! Hell, you basically asked him to wait! Then you go and get yourself a new boyfriend. If that wasn't bad enough you had your new boy come in and wrap his arms around you in front of the man you said you loved! How could you do that? What the hell is wrong with you, Kate? Do you hate Castle?"

"What?! No I don't hate him. I don't know why I did what I did. It just happened, and then I didn't stop it like I should have. It wasn't even a relationship."

"You called the man your boyfriend."

Kate sighed, running her hands through her long hair. "Yes, but I didn't know what else to call him. He surprised me by coming to the precinct. I didn't want him there at all, then he just showed up. I couldn't call him my fuck buddy. I mean really."

"So that's what he was? Just someone for sex?"

"Yes."

"And why couldn't that have been Castle?"

"Oh come on! You know exactly why I couldn't have just used Castle for sex!"

"Kate, you know that boy would have done it for you. He didn't say he wanted to get married right away. What would have been wrong with just keeping it slow and simple at first? You were equating the love word with a permanent relationship when we both know that Castle wouldn't have tied you down if you decided you weren't ready for more than just sex. Instead you used someone else, who probably didn't deserve that, and in the process ruined whatever chance you had at something that could have lasted until your last days.

"I've known you for almost twenty years, Kate. We went to college together, and we've lived through some tough shit together. I was one of the few that stood by you through those dark months after your mom's death. Not one time have I ever known you to be this cruel. The only man you have ever kept waiting is Castle. Tom Demming got further with you in a relationship in one week than Castle has in four plus years. What that shows me is that you don't want a relationship with Richard Castle. If you did, you'd have jumped in by now. The Kate Beckett I know isn't a coward. At least I didn't think she was."

Kate plopped herself down on the chair beside Lanie's desk. She knew Lanie spoke the truth, but that didn't make it any easier to hear. "What do I do?" She whispered, tears running down her cheeks.

"You let him go. It's over. I know I shouldn't have worked behind your back, but he came to me and asked. He wanted real. Kensi is as real as a person can be, and they have many things in common. From what I heard, their first two dates were a smash hit."

"Why is he even still following me around if he's moving on?" Kate asked, completely ignoring Lanie's advice.

"Oh, come on, Kate! He might have at one time only been here to get in your pants, but it's more than that to him now. He likes helping the victims almost as much as you do. He's addicted to it, and it would be too hard for him to just quit cold turkey."

"I don't think I can let him go," Kate said softly, hating herself for the truth of the statement. She knew that she had to let him go, that he deserved to be happy. She knew that she had lost all the chances he was ever going to give her.

"You don't have a choice. It's too late, sweetie. He's moving on. So should you."

xxxx

A couple weeks later…

Well that was awkward, Castle thought as he walked out of Kensi's apartment building. He'd never been so embarrassed in his entire life. Really, Rick? Calling out another woman's name during sex?!

They'd been on four dates, and it had all be fantastic. He really liked her. She had an amazing sense of humor, but could also talk about real things that she cared about. He hadn't planned on taking their relationship to the physical level so soon, but one thing had led to another and it had happened.

She had been very nice about it. She had even listened to him talk about why it had happened and offered her advice on how to fix it before sending him on his way.

Castle groaned as he got into his car. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. There's no maybe about it, he thought sarcastically. He should never have started anything so soon after choosing to move on. Or at least he shouldn't have moved their relationship so fast. Now not only as he still hurting, but he had hurt another. Ashamed wasn't even a strong enough word for how he felt. I'm just like Beckett, he thought bitterly. I just used another to forget my own problems. How could I do that to someone?

xxxx

A Week Later…

"Good afternoon, Detective," Burke said, greeting one of his favorite patients.

"Hi." He knew what was wrong, she hadn't looked this bad after her shooting.

"How are you, Kate?"

Kate sat there in silence for several minutes, not really knowing how to answer the question. She had just come from the 12th precinct. Castle had ended their partnership. He wasn't going to shadow her any longer. When he had told her that, she had almost begged him to stay, to give her one more chance. Almost. But then she remembered Lanie's talk and decided to let him go; let him live his life without her. She needed him to be happy. He deserved to be happy.

She could tell from the month and a half or so since Rob had shown up at the precinct that he hadn't been happy. She knew he had been dating, but that appeared to be over. She didn't know what happened as he wouldn't tell her. He wouldn't talk about anything personal, and he always left as soon as he could possibly leave, even if they had a case and were staying late. Then this morning he had simply shown up and said goodbye to everyone. He told her he was ending the Nikki Heat series and starting research on a new character. It had seemed sudden, but now she knew that it wasn't. She should have known that it would hurt him too much to stay. She knew it was all because of her.

"Castle's leaving," Kate said finally. She knew better than to hold it in. She came here for a reason, after all.

"Leaving?"

She cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, trying hard to hold in the sobs that threatened to destroy her. "He's not going to shadow me anymore."

"Did you talk to him about your relationship with," he looked down at his notes, "Rob?"

"I told him weeks ago that we had broken up and that it hadn't meant anything. I even apologized, but Lanie was right. It was too late. I ruined it all." She couldn't hold back any longer as sobs shook her entire body.

Burke could have told her that this was coming. In fact he had. Her first time telling him about her 'relationship' with this Rob he'd told her that it would only end badly for her. Yet he had worked to help her understand the reason behind her actions. He had started to think that her actions weren't the result of any lingering emotional effects of her shooting, and were more related to her inability to realize that not all close relationships would end up with her getting hurt.

It took several minutes, but Kate finally got her emotions under control. "What do I do?"

"I can't tell you that, Kate. What do you want to do?"

"I want to go to him. Tell him I love him. That I made a mistake and that I want him. Just him. But it's too late! He wouldn't believe me now. Hell I don't even know if I believe me! How could I have treated him that way if I really loved him?" She shouted. "Do I even know what love is? Maybe this isn't real!"

"Oh, I think you love him. I don't doubt that for a minute, Detective, and neither should you. But I think that you don't want to love someone that deeply because if you lose them it would hurt, isn't that right?"

Kate thought for a minute. It made sense. After her mother died she eschewed any close relationships because she was worried that anyone she got close to would be taken from her. But she had thought she had gotten over that. Maybe she hadn't.

"I…only hurt the ones I love," she said softly, finally understanding. "I should let him go if I really love him. I shouldn't hurt him anymore."

Carter Burke looked at his patient sadly. He didn't like to see his patients give up, but he couldn't deny that maybe in this case it wasn't for the best. "Maybe you're right, Kate. Maybe you should let him go. But you shouldn't take this all on you. Yes you've made mistakes, but hasn't he?"

"Of, course, but he never hurt me on purpose. Not like I have him."

"Was it really on purpose?"

"I…I don't know. It feels like it now. But at the time it just seemed like keeping him at arm's length was for the best. Then it just became a habit to keep pushing him away. I guess I never really thought about how it must have looked to him." Kate thought back to all the times she had pushed him away, all the relationships she had used just to hide her growing feelings for her partner. She could see now why everyone around her thought that Castle's continued presence in her life was so unusual. She couldn't even imagine how it must have felt to keep getting knocked down each and every time he showed how much he loved her. Why did he keep coming back?

xxxx

He didn't know if he would regret what he had done or not, but he thought that he had made the right decision. At first he had planned on continuing his shadowing of Detective Beckett, but then after the fiasco that was his first try at dating, he decided that if he was going to move on, he really needed to move on.

So he had ended it. What confused him, at least at first, was how well Kate had taken it. He thought she would at least wonder why he was going to be leaving, but instead he simply got a heartfelt thank you, and a nice goodbye hug. It wasn't cold, but he would have expected more, especially from the curious detective. As was usual with her, she didn't let any of her emotions surface, which meant he had no real clue how she had handled the news. No regret. No relief. Nothing. Just a "I'm sad to see you go, thanks for all you've done, don't be a stranger." It confused him. Even if they weren't romantically involved, he would have expected some sort of emotion.

Now, a week later, he had to decide what he was going to do next. He had taken some time to think about it because he didn't want to make any hasty decisions. He had already jumped into a relationship with another woman and it was a disaster. He didn't want to do that again. He had talked to his shrink about it, and the doctor had agreed that the best way to move on was to create a clean break.

Castle had also decided to completely shelve the investigation into Kate's mom's murder and Kate's shooting. He also decided not to mention it. He hadn't come up with anything in months' worth of investigation, and it wouldn't do her any good to know that he had been investigating again behind her back. He had hope that she wouldn't take the case up again unless it came to her naturally. He wouldn't be around to keep her from falling down the rabbit hole, but he'd never been very good at that anyways.

Whatever Castle decided to do, he knew that it had to be a family decision. Alexis would be starting college at the end of the year, and he would not jeopardize her future in any way.

So he called a family meeting, something they hadn't done since Alexis was in elementary school.

"So what's up dad?" Alexis asked when she and her grandmother had sat down across from him. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing really bad, at least. As you guys know, I've ended my partnership with Detective Beckett. What I'm trying to decide is what's next for me. Alexis you've been telling me to move on for months now, and I'm finally going to do it. But I wanted to know what you guys think I should do."

"It's about time Dad. She hurt you so bad, and I can't stand that. You deserve to be happy, and she didn't make you happy."

Martha looked at her son intently. "Are you sure you're going to be able to do this, Richard?"

"I have to try, Mother. It's…I can't do this anymore. It is obvious she doesn't care for me as much as I care for her or else she wouldn't go around sleeping with other men, especially after asking me to wait for her to have a relationship. I suppose I could see a one-night stand, but according to Lanie, she was with this Rob guy for two weeks. If she could do that with him, why couldn't she be in a relationship with me? The only explanation is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me at all.

"If that's the case, then I have to move on. I can't keep letting myself have hope that someday she'll see me for the person I really am and will fall for me. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. So yes, mother, I am going to move on. I tried with that Kensi that came here a couple weeks ago, but that crashed and burned fast."

"Well then what are your plans?" Martha asked.

"I don't know. My first thought was to move. I really want to get out of New York, even for a little while. Everything here reminds me of her. But I'm not going to do that until Alexis graduates. For now, I'm going to spend time here, ending the Nikki Heat series and planning for my next book. In May when you graduate, we'll talk more. Have you decided on a college?"

Alexis shrugged. "I thought you wanted me to go to school here, so I've pretty much decided on Columbia."

"Pumpkin if you want to go elsewhere, do not let me influence your decision. Yes, I'll miss you terribly, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go live your life. Besides, there is nothing holding me here any longer, so I might just follow you. Although Chicago sounds fantastic to me right now. It's a big city but it isn't New York."

Alexis looked to her grandmother excitedly. "You mean I could choose anywhere?"

"Of course. I made a mistake being so protective. You should decide on the school you want, not on a location that is near me."

"Stanford, then. It's definitely Stanford."

Castle smiled. He knew that was the school she would choose. It had always been her first choice. "Okay. I know you just got your acceptance letters, so respond back to that and accept your position."

Alexis leapt across the couch and hugged her dad. "I'm so happy, dad. I wish you were too."

"Don't worry about me, pumpkin," Castle said, looking across at his mother while he hugged his daughter, "I'll be fine. It'll take some time, but I will."

xxxx

Six months later…

Kate Beckett rushed into the hospital, panicking when people got into her way. She slid to a stop in front of the emergency room reception desk and said, "I'm Detective Kate Beckett, I got a call that my father was brought in after an accident. What can you tell me?"

The nurse behind the station tapped some keys on her keyboard and said, "He's out of surgery now, Detective. I'll send for the doctor to come and let you know his condition. Please take a seat."

"Thank you," Kate said in a small voice. She took a seat in the far corner of the busy waiting room, finally letting the tears fall. She had been at home after a long day at the precinct, thinking about how crappy her life had gotten since she had messed it all up with Castle, when she had gotten the call. Her father had been in a cab when it had been hit from the side by a speeding delivery van.

She had panicked, not knowing what she would do if she lost the last bastion for light in her life, and drove sirens blazing to the hospital. Barely thinking anything other than, Please, not him too, please.

She was brought out of her misery by her name being called. She stood and walked to where the doctor was waiting for her.

"Detective?" She nodded. "Your father is going to be fine. He has several broken bones, and a minor concussion, but otherwise he was extremely lucky. He's awake if you want to see him."

She followed the man through a maze of corridors to a brightly lit room decorated like every hospital room everywhere. She almost stumbled and fell to the floor when she saw her father, wrapped in bandages with casts around both legs and one of his arms.

"Dad?" she whispered, finally getting her feet to move her across to his bed.

"Hi, Katie," Jim Beckett said.

"Oh, God. I was so worried."

"Hey, now. I'm still here," he said, moving his uninjured arm up to cup her cheek and wipe away the tears flowing from her eyes.

They stayed that way for several moments before Kate sat down and took her father's hand.

"So, Katie, how are you?"

Kate snorted, "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"No, we all know how I am, I'm in a hospital bed. Seems obvious that there is at least something wrong with me. Now what about you?"

She shrugged. "I'm fine."

Jim Beckett scowled. Over the last six months, his daughter had crawled back into her shell, a place where she had been living before meeting a certain mystery novelist. Now that Richard Castle was not part of her life, she had apparently decided she didn't deserve to do more than work and sleep. He could see that she was depressed, but had no clue how to help her.

"Why don't you call him?"

Kate looked into her father's eyes, "Who?"

"Don't give me that, Katherine Beckett. You know exactly who I'm talking about. The only way this gets fixed is if you go out there and talk about it. I'm not saying it ends the way you might want it to, but if you want closure you can't just keep drifting through life. You have to take it by the horns and make it do what you want it to do. Call him. This is getting ridiculous. You've been depressed and angry for the last six months."

Kate sighed. She hadn't had a talking to like this in years. Not that she didn't deserve it, but she thought that her dad was a bit disillusioned on the merits of talking to a man that probably despised her.

"I can't, dad. I'm sure he hates me. And I don't blame him. What I did was unforgivable. I've moved on."

"Bullshit," Jim said, shocking his daughter. He never swore. "Bullshit, Katie. You know damn well that he doesn't hate you, even now. The love that he had for you will never die. That doesn't mean he'll take you back, but talking to him, clearing the air will help both of you. It wouldn't surprise me if he's just as miserable as you are."

"Not likely. He's moved on, Dad. He's probably already found another woman. Or five."

"I'm disappointed in you, Kate. You know he isn't like that anymore. Is that why you held back from him?"

"I…no. It was all me. I panicked, ran, and then betrayed him by going with another man after asking Castle to wait for me. I was an idiot. Now it's time to pay the consequences."

"Answer me this, and I'll let you be for now: Do you love him, sweetheart?"

The tears started flowing down her cheeks as Kate remembered all she had pushed away. "Yes, Daddy, I do."

"Then go to him. Fix it. Tell him that you love him, and that you'll do anything to make it right. It won't be easy, but since when has that ever stopped you from doing something? One thing this accident has reminded me of, life is short, sweetheart. You don't have time to fool around. Call him or you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

xxxx

She couldn't believe she was doing this. It had been months since she had last seen him, and now she was standing in front of his door, waiting for someone to answer. What was she going to say? What could she say? She had betrayed him, and she knew it. There couldn't be any coming back from this could there?

She couldn't believe it when the door opened and a strange older woman opened the door.

"Can I help you," the woman asked.

"Is Rick here?"

"Rick? Rick who?"

"Richard Castle?" Kate asked, starting to worry.

"Oh, you mean the guy who used to live here. Sorry, honey, but he moved out a month and half ago."

Moved out? He moved? Kate felt her blood run cold at how far she had pushed him away. She'd literally driven him out of his previous life.

"Do you know where he moved to?" She asked when she found her voice again.

"Chicago, I think. His mother might know. Lovely woman. She lives above her acting school now."

"Thanks, sorry for interrupting you." Kate walked away wondering what the hell she was going to do.

xxxx

Two weeks later…

He couldn't say he was in love with his new home. The city was fine, but it wasn't New York. He'd been here for over a month now, but it just wasn't the same. The culture and life in Chicago was different, and was something he would have to get used to if he was going to stick around.

It also had no Kate Beckett in it, which was something he wasn't sure was a good or a bad thing. Even after months without her in his life, he still thought about her every single day. He couldn't help it. He'd found a new therapist, but the progress was slow, and the doctor warned him that he might never fully move on. Alexis had left for college and he had packed up the loft and moved to a smaller but luxurious loft in the heart of Chicago. He had offered the loft to his mother, but she had said it was too big for just one person. She'd moved over her acting studio.

He'd started his new book, but it was slow going. He couldn't help but notice that his attention kept drifting, proving that he just wasn't as interested in this new set of characters. He was attempting, for the first time, to write something outside of the crime mystery genre. It wasn't easy for him.

He sat looking at the blank screen as he pondered how to start chapter three, when he heard a knock at the door. Who could that be? he wondered.

If he hadn't been holding onto the door handle when he checked the peephole, he would have fallen over. Kate Beckett, the betrayer, was on the other side of his door. How the hell did she find me? What do I do?

Slowly he opened the door. Looking her in the eyes, he asked coldly, "What do you want, Beckett?"

xxxx

She couldn't believe how much courage she'd had lately. She had, after visiting Castle's former home, found his mother and talked with the woman for hours. It wasn't a happy conversation at the start. For sure his mom wasn't happy with her, but they talked about what had happened, why it had happened, and more importantly what Kate should try to do about it.

She had, after their conversation, asked for Castle's new address. Martha had given it to her, but told her "Don't get your hopes up, kiddo. I've never seen him so hurt before, and I think he really wants to move on this time."

Kate couldn't deny how much those words had hurt. She only had hope now, and if even Castle's mother thought hope was in short supply, what chance did Kate really have at getting Castle to come home to her?

But she knew she had to try. If she didn't, she'd regret it for the rest of her life. Even if she just apologized for being…well for being her, and let him move on she'd feel better than if she just left him hanging. So she had talked to Gates, told her that she needed an extended period of leave for some health reasons, and flew to Chicago.

It took her nearly ten minutes to gather the courage to knock on his door. When she finally did and he opened the door slowly, his first words nearly broke her heart all over again.

"What do you want, Beckett?"

Her first thoughts were to say 'You. I just want you." But that wouldn't have been well received given her actions, she knew that for sure.

"Hi, Castle. Can we talk?"

Richard Castle was not a coward. But he was seriously scared of the woman who was at his door. She had broken him so many times already, and now she was asking for yet another chance to do it again.

He knew what he had to do. He knew that it would cost him everything he had, but he had to do it.

"I'm sorry, Detective, but I have nothing to say to you." And then he shut the door.

xxxx

He had shut the door in her face. Not that she could blame him, of course, but she still thought that he would at least hear her out.

She stood staring at the closed door for several minutes, tears flowing down her cheeks, while she pondered what to do next.

For years, Kate Beckett had been a coward when it came to her feelings for this man. She could name time after time where she had blatantly fought off his advances. Every time he had shown her how much he loved her, she had either joked about it to lighten the emotionally charged moment, or she had ran away. Other times she had flaunted other men in his face in order to keep him at arm's length. It was one of the reasons why, if she was honest with herself, the 'relationship' with Rob had lasted so long. She was scared of the feelings that came with Richard Castle, both his and hers.

Standing there after having him reject her for once was something she had never expected to experience. She knew, however, that it couldn't be over. She was done being a coward when it came to Richard Castle. She loved him. She wanted to be with him, and if he would or could ever forgive her, she would have him.

It was time to grow up and get her man. She just had to figure out how to get him to open the door.

xxxx

He couldn't believe he had done that. After fighting for that woman for nearly five years, he had slammed the door in her face when she had obviously flown across the country to see him.

But he knew that it needed to be done. He had to move on. He knew that he couldn't/wouldn't forget her. He probably, if he were being honest with himself, would never stop loving her. But he couldn't let her get any more chances at his shattered heart. It couldn't survive another attempt by Kate Beckett.

By nature, Rick Castle was a forgiving man. He knew that eventually he would forgive her for what she had done, if he hadn't already. But he couldn't trust her. How could he? He had poured his heart out to her while she lay dying and then she had abandoned him for three months, and then instead of coming to him she had started a relationship with another man. He would be alright with that if she hadn't done it twice before. Three times and she was out, as far as Castle was concerned.

xxxx

She went back to her hotel to regroup. She had to decide what she should do, but she needed help. She needed Lanie.

Unfortunately, Lanie was still very unhappy with her. Screw it, Kate thought. She pulled out her phone and dialed her best female friend's number.

"Parish," Lanie answered, obviously not looking at the screen before picking up.

"Hey, it's Kate. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure. I hear you took some time off. Want to meet for some drinks?"

"I can't. I'm in Chicago."

"What?! Why?"

"Chicago is where Castle lives now," Kate said softly.

"Oh, sweetie. I told you to let that man go. Why are you there?"

"I need to talk to him, Lanes. But…" she took a deep breath, "he doesn't want to talk to me. He slammed the door in my face."

"Can you blame him, Kate? I mean, seriously."

"No. I can't blame him. I know this is all my fault. And I know that there might not be any fix to this-"

Lanie interrupted, "No, Kate, let me stop you right there. There is no fix to this. You broke that man's heart, and now what? You're just going to swoop in and try to do it again?"

"What?" Kate snapped. "Of course not. I love him Lanie. I know I've done a piss poor job of showing it, but I do. I need him to know, and I need to say I'm sorry. If I can't have him, at least he'll know, okay?"

There was silence on the other end of the line for several moments before Kate heard Lanie sigh. "Alright, Kate, but I think this is a mistake. The best thing you could do for him, if you really love him, is walk away. Let him move on and find someone in his new city. You should come home, and do the same."

After a pause, Lanie asked, "So how are you going to get him to talk to you? You know stalking is illegal right?"

"Yes. And I don't know. I just…I thought maybe you'd have an idea of how to approach him."

"Oh, no. You know exactly how I feel about this. No. If you want him so bad, you need to figure it out yourself."

Kate sighed. Lane was right. She should be able to do this on her own.

"Thank you Lanie. You're right. I'll…I'll figure something out."

After disconnecting the call, Kate flopped down on the hotel room bed and groaned. She and no clue what she should do next. All she knew was that she didn't want to give up.

xxxx

Three days in a row now. She had shown up, and he had closed the door in her face. Kate sighed and turned around. Maybe she should just let it go. He obviously didn't want to speak with her.

She knew she was being selfish, trying to force a confrontation, but she was also desperate. She slumped down outside his door after her latest attempt and cried, not knowing what she could do to change his mind.

For the first time in years, Kate Beckett cried herself to sleep.

xxxx

Was he being unfair? That was the question he had asked himself over and over again over the last three days. She had knocked on his door, he had asked her politely to leave, and then shut the door. His heart kept telling him to give her a chance, but his head knew better. His head knew that he couldn't afford to give her another chance.

His resolve, however, faltered when he found her sleeping outside his door several hours after she had knocked on it for the third time.

He groaned. He was late to one of his publisher's meetings. He'd switched from BlackPawn when he had moved to Chicago, so he really didn't want to be late. He reopened his door, picked her up bridal style and carried her into the living room of his new loft.

He wrote a quick note to her after laying her gently on the couch, and then made his way back out of his home. He hoped he wasn't making a mistake.

xxxx

When Kate woke up, she found herself on a really comfortable couch. Groaning from the awkward position she had slept in, she swung her legs over the side of the couch and looked around. She knew immediately that this was Castle's home. There was just something about it that screamed 'Richard Castle'.

She spotted a note on the coffee table in front of her and picked it up.

Detective,

I couldn't just leave you out sleeping by my door. I had a publisher's meeting to attend to. I'll be back around 5PM. Please be gone before I get back.

RC

She didn't know what to do. Should she do as he asked and be gone or should she continue to be stubborn? She needed to talk to him. She knew, however, that she needed to start taking his feelings into account, otherwise he would never forgive her. If he ever could forgive her.

He had written the note on the open page of a notebook. She made a decision, knowing that she would have to live with it for the rest of her life. It was the hardest decision she ever made.

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the pen that lay on the coffee table, turned the page of the notebook to a clean sheet and began to write.

Dear Rick,

You'd think with as smart as people think I am that I'd have come to this realization sooner. I've realized that I've been incredibly selfish, and even by writing this letter I continue to be thinking of only myself. Or at least it seems that way to me.

I've treated you so badly, it's no wonder you can't even speak to me. I've messed you around, dragged your feelings and your heart through the mud, and then still expected you to be there always. I've taken you for granted, and what worries me most is that it has taken me this long to figure it out.

I honestly can't believe how terrible this whole situation has gotten. How could I have ever let this get this far? I basically cheated on you. Sure we weren't in a relationship, but we were working towards one, and I betrayed you by going out with another man.

I could put forth the usual platitudes about how the relationship I had with Rob meant nothing, but to you I know it did. I still can't believe I did that. And the funny thing is, I don't even know why it happened. Well, that's not true. I think I know why it happened. But it doesn't make it any better.

I have no excuses for it. And I don't expect to ever have you back in my life. That is NOT why I came to Chicago to see you. I came to attempt to apologize. I'll never be able to apologize enough. I not only ruined any chance I had at a loving relationship, I ruined the best friendship I've ever had. I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

When my mother died, I boxed myself up so I couldn't get hurt. Or more accurately as I've described it before, I walled myself in. That had far reaching effects in my life, but the most notable one is that I seemed to stop taking other people's feelings into account. I was the only person in the world, so I thought, that could take care of me. Being selfish became so ingrained that it became second nature by the time you and I met. Since she died, it has always been just about me, and no one else.

But a relationship can't be like that. It's why all my relationships since then have all been one sided. 'One foot out the door', remember? If I had to explain why I went to Rob, that would be it. I could have a one-sided relationship with him. I can't do that with you. If I were to jump in with you, it'd be all or nothing, because you deserve nothing less. And, because I'm selfish and it's always been about me, I didn't even take your feelings into account. Hell, I didn't even really take my feelings into account. I just did it without thinking about it, because it is what I've always done.

I know this next bit is going to be unbelievable, but I have to say it. I love you, Richard Castle. I know my behavior hasn't shown it, but I do. I've loved you for a couple years now, but I'm also scared shitless by those feelings. I've never felt this before, and I know I'll never feel it again. Because my feelings for you are so strong, I've ran away many times. It started with Tom Demming. He was a way to keep my growing feelings at bay.

Then there was Josh. He was a way to get over the heartbreak that was our second summer. You had went away for the summer, unknowingly choosing your ex-wife over me. I was going to go with you, but I waited too long. Seeing you walk away with her broke my heart because I had decided then and there to finally open myself up for a real relationship with you. So when I met Josh, I used him to get over that hurt. When you came back, I used him to keep from reestablishing my feelings for you, though in reality they never went away, in fact by the time we were in that freezer together, they had gotten very strong. So strong I almost told you how I felt before I passed out. In many ways, I wish I would have finished that sentence. Things would be so much clearer now.

Then I got shot, and you told me you loved me. Yes, I remember. I lied. I hate myself for it. I'm telling you now because I have nothing left to lose. I lied because it allowed me to run away from the feelings. I always run away. When I came back from my three month stint in hell, I didn't know if I even wanted to see you. NO. That's a lie again. I desperately wanted to see you, but I didn't know if I was strong enough. So I used those files as an excuse to come see you. I'm not proud of any of this.

Rob happened after the sniper case. I was so close to being with you after the bank explosion it scared me. Put on top of that my PTSD during that sniper case and I had to get away from both my trauma and you. I was more of a mess then than I was at any point in my life. I can't even remember how I picked him up, all I know was that once I did, I fell into my old habit of pushing you away with another man. As I said, I was selfish. It was all about me, just like it always has been.

I've hurt you so badly, and I know you must hate me. I don't blame you. I wanted to talk to you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I dragged my feet and ruined our chance. I'm sorry for not being the type of person who could love you back the way you deserve. I'm sorry for everything. I'm so damn sorry.

I will never ask you to take me back or give me another chance. I thought that I would ask you that, but I've come to realize that I don't deserve another chance. I've had so many, and every time I've just made it worse and hurt you more. So I'm going to go back to New York. I'm going to let you move on, even though it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's the right thing to do, and it is about time that I do what's right when it comes to you.

I love you, Rick. I always will. I hope you can find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I know.

Love Always,

Kate

xxxx

When Castle got back to his loft, he opened the door with trepidation. Would she still be in his home? Part of him really hoped she wasn't, while another, bigger part hoped she was.

When he found the apartment empty, he sighed with disappointment and relief. He walked over to where he had placed her on the couch, just to make sure, but she wasn't there. He was about to go into his office to deposit his laptop bag when he spotted the notebook.

He picked it up when he spotted her writing on it, and brought it into the office with him.

His office wasn't as grand as it had been when he lived in New York. He'd gone entirely modern this time with a steel and glass desk, modern office chair, and a small modern painting. The rest of the room was filled with his bookshelves. It was more cozy than the office in New York had been. He had come to cherish this space above all others.

He sat down at his desk and started to read her note. He knew it probably wouldn't change anything, but he always loved words, and these were Kate's words. She'd always held her words so tight, so close to her, even now after everything he had suffered through, he knew he'd cherish them. Even if it wouldn't change anything.

xxxx

Two Days Later…

She'd tried to leave. She'd even made it to the terminal where she would catch he flight back. But she felt like she was leaving behind a piece of herself. She knew that she was. Whether she liked it or not, Richard Castle had been a part of her life for over five years. And she loved him.

As she sat in her re-rented hotel room, she wondered if he had read her note. Even if he had, it was obvious it changed nothing for him. Even with that knowledge she couldn't bring herself to go home. There was nothing in New York for her any longer. Sure she had her father, but even with their repaired relationship, they still weren't as close as they had been before her mom's death. All her friends were disgusted with her, and rightfully so. And Castle wasn't there. That was the point that kept coming back to her. Castle wasn't in New York any more.

So she made a decision. A decision that would change her life forever.

xxxx

Six months later…

He hadn't gone after her. He had thought about it, of course. His heart wanted to chase after her, wanted him to give her another chance. But he didn't; he couldn't do it. Chicago was slowly growing on him. He'd been there for over a year, and he had started to make friends and move around the city's social circles. He got involved in charities, and spent some time volunteering each week in homeless shelters. He had loved his work at the 12th precinct. It made him feel useful and needed. He used his work in charity and at the homeless shelters as a way to feel that way again.

In a small way he had moved on. He still thought of her every single day. With his psychologist's help he understood that it was unlikely that he'd ever stop loving her. But he had also begun to see that just because he loved Kate Beckett, didn't mean he couldn't love another just as much. He had begun to think about dating again. He wanted to do it right, and he wouldn't start until he was sure he could give himself to the task fully. He wouldn't use anyone else for his own selfish needs. Never again.

On a cold November day, he found himself sitting in an out of the way coffee shop working on the ending to his new novel. It had taken him a long time to get the new characters off their feet, but he liked them. He had chosen to write about a pair of time travelers whose mission was to fix errors of the past. Their first mission, the subject of the book, was to prevent the abduction and murder of a small child from the outskirts of Chicago. He found it a neat combination of science fiction and detective work, which was just enough of a change for him to get interested. Whether it was good enough for a series, he wasn't sure.

He was brought out of his typing by a gasp coming from near the counter to the coffee shop. Looking up, he froze. Kate Beckett was staring at him. What the hell is she doing here? He thought. However, the anger and disappointment that he had felt months earlier was no longer there. Simple curiosity was what drove him this time. "Detective?"

"Castle," Kate said, almost reverently. She grabbed the coffee the clerk was offering her, and glanced towards the door then back at Castle. "Can…can I sit?"

Castle only nodded. "What are you doing in Chicago, Kate?"

Kate smiled, still loving the sound of her name coming from him, "I…uh…actually live here now. I promise I'm not stalking you or anything. After I left you that note, I couldn't leave. Yet, I couldn't even think of talking to you again. I promised myself to let you move on. But there wasn't anything left for me in New York without you. So I moved here. I figured at least this way I was in the same city as you." She looked down at her coffee then said, "I know it seems kind of…I don't know, creepy I guess. But it made me feel a little better."

Rick smiled. It did sound odd, but it was also so…un-Beckett-like that it was endearing. "So how do you like it here," he asked, keeping the conversation on save topics. Next he'd try the weather.

"It's nice. It's a little more relaxed here, you know?" She shrugged. "I enjoy it. You?"

"I've gotten used to it. I miss a lot of things from New York, but I still get back every couple months, so it isn't too bad. What…what are you doing now? Are you still working for the force?"

"No. I…I decided that I needed something new," she lied. "I'm actually working at the University of Chicago on my master's degree." She hadn't quit the force for something new, but he didn't need to know that it was because of him that she couldn't do the work any longer. It wasn't the same without her partner by her side.

"Oh? What are you studying?"

"Literature. I figure I can teach English or I can go on for a doctorate and teach college kids. Not really what I thought I'd be doing with my life, but I needed something different, and this is what I chose."

"Well, I'm glad you're doing well." He looked down at his laptop, and hit the save button, then closed the lid.

"Rick…I…uh…I missed you," Kate stammered, finding it a lot harder to say it than she thought it would be. It was awkward, seeing him after so many months away from him.

Castle smiled. "I missed you too, even with…everything."

Kate hung her head, ashamed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Rick reached his hand across and grabbed her hand. "I know, Kate, I know." He laughed, "I'm sorry too. God, knows you and I are crap at talking. You hurt me, sure, but in the end we both contributed to the end of whatever it was we had. I should have told you how I felt sooner. If I had, maybe we would have sat down and talked, and it would have never gone so far wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Rick," Kate shook her head. "I still would have found a way to screw it up. It's taken a lot of work for me to see that I just wasn't ready. I used coping mechanisms to push you away. My shrink says I was always going to be self-destructive with any relationship I had. So it wasn't in any way your fault. I…I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, both thinking about their regrets and the events that had led to the destruction of their hopes and dreams.

"Kate." "Rick." They laughed. "Go ahead," Castle offered.

"Do you…would you like to get dinner some time, you know, just to catch up?" She really couldn't believe she had asked him. She had promised herself to let him move on. But seeing him again, seeing him looking so good, brought back how much she missed having him in her life. She loved him, and she always would, but even if they couldn't be more, maybe they could be friends.

"I…I think I'd like that. But Kate, I can't promise anything."

Kate squeezed his hand, then pulled hers back across the table, "I know, Rick. I'm not asking for anything other than dinner. I missed you, that's all."

He nodded. He couldn't decide if he was making a mistake or not. He hoped not.

xxxx

So started their journey. It took four years. Four long years of hard work and dedication on both sides before they were willing to try something beyond friendship. Kate didn't push. She would have been happy with just having their friendship back.

Neither, however, could bring themselves to date other people, even if they thought about it from time to time. After four years, Castle was the one that made the first move. They had gone to see a movie, and then decided on a burger and shake from their favorite restaurant. When he dropped her off at her apartment, he had kissed her. It hadn't been planned, though he would have been a liar if he had said he hadn't thought about it during their four years of renewed friendship, but it was very nice.

They dated for two years before they decided it was time to get married. They both decided they wanted to try for children, but due to some health problems, Kate couldn't have children. Being the stubborn people they both were, they decided that they would adopt, and adopt they did. Cedric Allen Castle came into their family at age 4, and despite not being a blood relation, looked astonishingly like Castle, right down to the cerulean blue eyes. Unfortunately for Kate, Cedric acted a lot like Castle too.

Kate went on to get her doctorate, and ended up teaching English Lit at a local community college. Castle's first novel after Nikki Heat tanked, so he scrapped his idea for time travel and stuck to writing mysteries. Even after 20 years of marriage, Kate still made fun of him for that crappy attempt at science fiction.

Their little family thrived until just after their 29th anniversary when Richard Castle died of a unknown heart condition. Kate was left alone again, but also knew that she would thank the gods every single day for that chance meeting all those years before. She had finally made it right, and despite Castle leaving long before his time, she knew that the happiness they'd had for 29 years was well worth the pain in the end.

xxxx

a.n.2. It's a happy-ish ending, but it could have gone either way. At least it's finished.

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