When Deanne returned to her Healer station, she couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the day. That is, until she came home and the truth sank in. The memory had been from seven years ago. Why was she constantly looking back when she should be moving forwards? You know perfectly well why, the voice in her head said. Tonks made you proud of who you were, but the minute she stopped being true to herself, so did you. You'd rather live a lie than be honest.
"Deanne, you're burning the pie."
Lucas brought his wife's attention back to her baking. Deanne's heating spell had been aimed at the levitating cherry pie for too long, and now the pie was severely charred. She let it drop, where it crumbled to pieces on the floor.
"Oh, blast this confounded wand!" she yelled. "It doesn't seem to be working today."
Lucas glared at her. "Don't be stupid. Your wand's in top condition, and we both know you're fully capable of making a simple pastry. What's wrong?"
"Nothing that concerns you," Deanne snapped. She headed to their bedroom, but he followed her.
"Just tell me what's got you so worked up! I'm your husband, for goodness sake-"
She slammed the door in his face. Suffice it to say, Lucas slept in their living room that night, while Deanne cried herself to sleep. Only one person, aside from her parents, would understand why she'd broken down.
Tonks didn't write again until January.
Deanne was in St. Mungo's, making her way to her next patient, when an owl pecked his beak on the window nearest her. He was older than the last time she saw him, but she recognized him. He belonged to Tonks.
"Hello there. Do you have something for me?" Walking up to the owl, Deanne saw her name on the note that he carried. She nearly ripped it open in anticipation.
Deanne,
Sorry to bother you. As you probably heard, my dad was killed by the Snatchers. I can't go a day without crying anymore. Please come. I need you. I love you.
Yours truly,
Tonks
Those last three words blurred Deanne's vision. Finally, she'd received the response that she'd wanted from Tonks all those years ago, on the day their relationship ended. There was no way Deanne could go back to working at a time like this. Another memory had resurfaced. A memory that she had tried to erase, but always came back to haunt her. Abandoning her Healing shift, she took her last trip on the merry-go-round they call the past…
The following months after Tonks broke up with Deanne were pure agony. Seasons came and went, and before Deanne knew it, it was the end of her years at Hogwarts. The castle held seven years' worth of memories with Tonks. Why would Deanne ever want to leave? As Tonks had assured her, they continued to be friends. But so many things remained unsaid between them. Every time Deanne saw her, her poor heart still ached to hold her close again. Judging by the changes in Tonks' appearance, this misery wasn't one-sided. For months, she kept her hair the same shade of blonde as Deanne's. Today was no different.
"I wonder how I did back there," she said to Deanne when they walked out of the Great Hall from their final N.E.W.T.S. exam.
Deanne shrugged. "I began studying months ago, so it was rather easy for me. One step closer to being a Healer!" This had been a goal of hers ever since Professor Sprout recommended that she look into it, back in her fourth year.
"And I'm one step closer to being an Auror!" Tonks added cheerfully. "Come on. I feel like celebrating."
Tonks waved for Deanne to follow her, and they hurried off to wherever she had in mind. With her friend being so spontaneous, Deanne willed herself to believe that anything could happen; it didn't surprise her when Tonks stopped at the seventh floor.
"What do you say we pay a final visit to the Room of Requirement?"
"All right by me," Deanne replied with a grin. Walking away, Tonks began the ritual to open the room. After her third rotation, it revealed itself.
The girls strolled inside to find a picnic blanket and basket on the floor, complete with candles in every corner.
"Since we're ditching the last dinner in the Great Hall, I thought we needed some food," Tonks explained.
Deanne eyed the picnic apprehensively. "Isn't this atmosphere a little… more than friendly?"
"That was the idea," Tonks mumbled.
For a breathless moment, they were silent, while Deanne held her gaze. Inside, she was pleading, please let this be real.
Tonks cleared her throat. "Listen… Deanne… I know I'm the one who ended it… but I… I can't stand being near to you all the time… without…"
Deanne refused to shed a tear as Tonks leaned her up against the wall and crashed her mouth onto hers. Did this mean Tonks wanted to be with her again? Deanne kissed her repeatedly to find out, gliding her hands around Tonks' hips and drawing her even closer, bodies intertwined in unmistakable passion. Tonks returned each kiss. If only Deanne could make it last. Lucas never kissed her like this.
Merlin's Beard. Lucas.
Deanne broke them apart instantly. "Are you forgetting about my boyfriend?"
"No," Tonks replied, staring at the floor. "And honestly, I'm still not comfortable enough to let everyone see us in this way. I couldn't get rid of my feelings even if I tried, though. All this year, I just felt so guilty that I didn't kiss you one more time."
Deanne was struck hard by anger and despair. It took all of her energy to reply. "Clearly, you need to stop caring about what everyone thinks, because that ruined everything for us; otherwise, we might still be something! For someone who loves me, you're acting like a heartless monster."
Tonks burst into tears. "I don't blame you for being upset... Just because I'm not ready to tell people who I am doesn't mean… that I'm not in love with you."
This girl is killing me, Deanne thought with a pang of anguish.
"Maybe you are, or maybe you're just giving me more false hope," she snapped. "If we were to get back together, you'd want to keep us a secret. Again. Do you really think we'd be happy, lying to the world?"
"I guess not. But Deanne… I miss you so much." She reached for Deanne, who took a step backwards.
"No! Go find somebody else to torture." Deanne spun around, leaving Tonks alone to sob. Both of them were overwhelmed by pain, yet Deanne convinced herself that Tonks was only putting on a show. Deanne was the one who suffered more. In seven years, she would learn differently.
The older Deanne rushed to Tonks the minute she jumped out of the Pensieve. She had to get to her, to apologize for being a rotten friend. Disapparating was the quickest way. Let the merry-go-round begin again…
Within a minute, she landed in the front yard of the Lupin household. It was strange to think that Tonks had a new last name; then again, it had taken Deanne some time to get used to her own married name, especially when she used to fantasize that Tonks would take her maiden surname someday.
Deanne knocked on the door, and she heard Tonks yell in a strained voice, "Come on in." Inside, Deanne discovered her friend lying on her living room sofa with a moderate-sized baby bump showing through her shirt.
"You came." Tonks sat up, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I was beginning to think you'd never want to see me, after everything…"
Deanne wordlessly threw her arms around her. "I'm so sorry about Remus and your dad. Remus will come back, but in the meantime, I won't let you go now. You cry all you want, you sweet girl."
Tonks wept in her embrace for quite some time, while Deanne stroked her hair. Anyone who saw them would know that theirs was a love that never truly severed, even though their short relationship had been over for what seemed like ages. But the fact is, Deanne reminded herself, Tonks hadn't wanted to break it off with me.
Deanne noticed there was a radio on the stand next to the sofa. "How would you like to dance?" she asked Tonks, wiping the tears from her old girlfriend's eyes.
Tonks grimaced and gave a little sniff. "You always did know how to make me feel better when I was sad. I would be honored. Help me up, please." Deanne lent both of her hands to Tonks and lifted her to her feet. When she turned the radio on, a slow song by the Weird Sisters was playing.
"Careful not to squish the baby," Tonks warned, giggling as they closed the space between them.
That inspired Deanne to ask, "What are you naming it if it's a girl?"
"I thought I might give her my mum's middle name, Mira. If it's a boy, I want to name him after… my dad."
Deanne worried that Tonks was going to upset herself by talking of her late father, so she started moving them to the beat of the music. "Boy or girl, I know you'll be a wonderful mother, Tonks."
They danced for two songs, carried away by every note, every rhythm, every lyric, and the need to stay in the moment. Neither of them could bear being apart for even a second, wanting to communicate everything that couldn't be spoken. The comfort of Tonks, her heart beating with Deanne's, was only temporary. Deanne didn't know just how temporary.
Eventually, Tonks was out of breath. "I sure am sleepy," she said with a yawn.
Deanne kept hold of her friend's hand. "I'll walk you to your room. I told Lucas in my note that I was staying overnight. Unless that would feel too strange to you, after everything-"
"No. It wouldn't," Tonks assured her quickly. "I want you here."
Supporting Tonks with one arm, Deanne brought her to the master bedroom. Her friend sank onto her bed instantly. One whole side was empty, where Remus should've been. Tonks patted the mattress, inviting Deanne to sleep next to her. Deanne didn't even question the gesture. She joined Tonks, and as they lay there, talking about their days at Hogwarts, old wounds opened up. It hurt to think of how lovely the moonlight was on Tonks' face, the way her eyes seemed to sparkle. They were a universe in themselves, where Deanne wished to live forever. But that could never happen. The world just wouldn't allow them any ounce of happiness.
"It's almost at the end of the moon cycle," said Tonks in a somber tone. "Tomorrow night will be awful for Remus. Who's been making the potion for him?"
Deanne pulled her towards her and answered by saying, "He's got decades of experience with this. I think he can handle it." She paused, choosing her words with caution. "One day, he'll see what a mistake he made, leaving a wonderful girl like you. I guarantee. And he'll return when he does. For now, get some rest while you still can, before your baby's born. Motherhood's a job in itself."
Tonks nestled her head in Deanne's neck. "Good night." She kissed Deanne's cheek. Her lips felt so tender on Deanne's skin, so perfect, as it had on that day in the snow.
Deanne began to wonder, what could be so harmful about kissing her just once? But even though she didn't love Lucas as much as she loved Tonks, Deanne knew she couldn't be unfaithful to him. And Tonks was completely dedicated to Remus, no matter how idiotic he'd been for walking out.
"Good night, love," Deanne whispered. She settled for kissing Tonks on the top of her head.
Falling asleep in the warmth of her arms, Deanne felt like she could touch heaven. Their past thirteen years of uncertainty and chaos, friendship and romance, hadn't been typical. Like a merry-go-round, they'd spun out of control; but as long as they had each other, hidden from the world, nothing would really hurt them.
Not even death.
"I know they're only ghosts
And memories that I'm clutching at;
Maybe I'm reaching back
For something I never had;
Still, it seems so real to me,
These ragged threads
That lead me back to you."
