Summary: Life was easy when her dad was there. Maya missed him. And so did Penny.
I don't own The Big Bang Theory or the characters.
"It's sad, you know?" I tell her, looking down.
"What is?" She asks
"I still wait for him." I paused, thinking about all the times I thought I heard his voice, or smelt his cologne, or saw his car. "I wait. I wait for him to show up somewhere, to tell me he is okay. That he hasn't died. To tell me he went to give a lecture somewhere or got caught in traffic. I wait for him to come to bed at night. I wait for him to show up and tell me he took too long to shave or to tell me Maya was taking too long to fall asleep. I still wait for him. I don't know when I'll stop waiting. Or how to stop waiting for his return."
I get up from the couch and walk around the house, hoping to find something of his there. It has been three months since his passing, but his things stayed where they belonged. I couldn't find any strength in me to take them down and put them in boxes. I look at the door. I can still see him, if I close my eyes. I can see him opening the door with his bag on his hand. I can see him putting it down on the couch. I can see him getting close to me. But I can't feel his kiss. His hands wrapped in my neck as he kisses me. I can't feel him. Because he's not there.
I see the photo that he had kept next to him since the day we got it. It was the first photo we took of Maya, our daughter. He was holding her, with his big brown eyes. There was hope, in those eyes. Hope that he would be a better parent than his parents were. There was pride and happiness too. And I could see he was scared.
I don't remember that day very well. I don't remember Raj driving me to the hospital. Or him calling everyone. I don't remember him leaving to get Leonard, while Bernadette held my hand. I don't remember Leonard getting there, his hair all messed up, and his jacket with one arm correct and the other upside down. I don't remember anything. But her.
I remember holding her for the first time. Her little hand in mine, Leonard and I in our little world. I remember crying and Leonard was too.
I look at that picture. I would give so much so that I could live that day again. How much I would love to just be able to go back in time, at any moment where I could have him back. To be able to hug him, to feel his hands in my back or to kiss him and feel his hands in my neck. I miss the times where we would hold hands while we would climb the stairs, or we were just walking in the street.
I sighed. I remember I had someone in the house, someone I cared for so much.
But I just couldn't. I didn't know how to live without him. I had to learn, even if I didn't want to.
Before I walk out of his office, I stumble across something I had never seen. It was a letter. It was underneath all his paperwork, and research. I carefully pull it off the mountain of paper. I smell it, and it was like he was there. His cologne was, somehow, still in the letter. I see him, sitting in the chair next to his desk. He's looking up to me, with those big brown eyes. I loved to stare at them. They looked like a dark tunnel, but one where there was always a light to guide me through the bad times. He was that light. But now the tunnel his dark, no light in sight. But he's there in front of me.
I open the letter and smile. It was written with his 'I'm trying to improve my writing' handwriting.
'Penny,
I know it must be weird to read this letter after so long. Truth is, it wasn't my ghost that dropped it there. It wasn't me either. It was Maya. I gave her this job. I knew you would miss me, I knew you wouldn't be able to let go of me anytime soon. I told our daughter to put his letter somewhere you would eventually find.
I wrote this to make you feel better, somehow. I have no idea of how hard this must be for you. But I can tell you how hard it is for me, to know I'll leave you to take care of our daughter alone. You know what you're doing while I'm writing this? You are getting take out and I'm waiting for your phone call to get to our old apartment so that we can have dinner with our friends. It might be the last time we all have dinner.
I haven't seen you cry yet. I'm not sure if I'll see you cry. But I know you are heart broken. Probably wishing that you could go back in time and spend a little more time with me. I am thinking of that.
Penny, stop thinking of what you could've done. I'm sorry, honey, but I'm not coming back. I'm not showing up at the door and make excuses as to why I'm late. I'm not giving any lectures, I'm not at any expedition. I'm in heaven, looking after you and Maya. My girls.
I love you Penny. With everything I am-or was. I love you, but I still hope you don't come to see me any time soon. Your place is there, taking care of Maya, of Sheldon, of everyone else. And as much as I miss you and you miss me, I don't want to see you up here with me unless you are eighty and Maya is married. I'm hoping you'll give whoever is getting our daughter, the 'dad' talk. You were doing it anyway!
I need you to be strong for Maya. But, if you ever need any help or anyone to talk to, just remember that I tried to help you. I got you someone for you to talk to. She'll be there all the time, acting like her husband and kids are giving her a headache and she needed a break. That might be true, sometimes. But I asked her to take care of you. She'll listen to you.
I know she's not me. She'll never be me. She won't wrap her arms around you and hold you like I did. She won't kiss you in that spot in your neck that makes you quiver. She won't cook you meals when you come home tired from work and hand you a glass of juice (because you don't drink alcohol anymore). She won't do that anymore-and neither will I.
And as much as that breaks my heart, remember this. I did that. For years. So, if you ever feel down, pretend like I am there. Don't do that all the time, though. It'll make you depressed. I don't want that.
Talk to Maya. She's sad too. And as much as that little girl reminds you of me, remember that she's not me. She's not. She is the both of us. She's a perfect mixture of the two of us. She's our little, perfect and sweet girl. She's ours. Not only me. She's 50% Penny and 50% Leonard.
I miss you, Penny.
Yours truly,
Leonard Hofstadter'
When I ended that letter, I was crying. I covered my mouth with my hand, trying, at the same time, to breath.
Leonard had wrote a letter for me, he made Maya give me the letter without I ever noticing, he made Bernadette be there for me. He signed the letter with 'yours truly' like he did every time. That always made me smile, and it had worked. That letter made me miss him even more. But it also made me wonder why Maya gave me the letter already.
I got up from the chair I sat at while reading the letter and left the office. I walked to the living room, finding Bernadette sitting in the same place I had left her at. I smile at her.
"Thanks."
"For what?"
"For being here. With me."
"Anytime." Bernadette says, getting up.
She goes up to me and hugs me. It wasn't Leonard hugging me, but it was something. I smile through the tears. It would be a long road, but everything would be better. I will be better. I will stop waiting. But I will never, ever forget him.
Hope you liked this chapter!
The beginning of this chapter was taken from a quote I found while I was on Tumblr. It inspired me to write this chapter. Because why would I study! :)
