Chuck vs. the Future Redux, Chapter 8: "New Year's Day"
CAST (in order of appearance):
Captain Omar Yagosian: Olek Krupa
Sarah Walker: Yvonne Strahovski
John Casey: Adam Baldwin
Bryce Larkin: Matthew Bomer
Chuck Bartowski: Zachary Levi
Kaylee Frye: Jewel Staite
Mal Reynolds: Nathan Fillion
Jayne Cobb: Adam Baldwin
Zoe Washburne: Gina Torres
Captain Mike Tweedum: Jason Bateman
Major Rick Lorenz: Michael Biehn
Content warning: SHIPPER APOCALYPSE CONTINUES AND GETS WORSE!!!
9:30 AM, Alliance Mean Time
January 1st, 2519
MKV Columbia
Captain Omar Yagosian was not having a good day – and he had only been in his office for fifteen minutes.
He was quite certain his ship was being invaded by crazy people.
While reveling in the New Year the night before, he had allowed himself to forget about the three lunatics sitting in his brig. They all claimed to be intelligence agents from the United States of America – which was impossible, because the United States had been dissolved into the Alliance seventy years beforehand.
However, Sarah Walker and Bryce Larkin both claimed to be agents of the Central Intelligence Agency – which, again, had been gone for seventy years, as it had been folded when the Alliance was formed. John Casey claimed to be an agent of the National Security Agency, which COULD have been possible, as the NSA was still alive and well – except that NSA men always traveled in pairs, with strange blue gloves on their hands at all times.
Captain Yagosian could feel a headache coming on already. He was currently searching the Cortex for any trace – any trace at all that he could find of the three. He was getting precisely nowhere when a call from the bridge interrupted his work.
"This is Yagosian," he said, turning on the videophone.
"Uh, Captain," the deck officer said, looking abnormally pale, "you've got a private call, sir."
Yagosian narrowed his eyes. "Who from?"
The deck officer gulped. "Uh, the General, sir."
Captain Yagosian wasn't sure, but he thought that his heart might have stood still. The General was one of the most shadowy and one of the most feared individuals in the Alliance. The General oversaw the deployment of Operatives system-wide, and headed the National Security Agency.
But the General wasn't just any general. Nobody knew exactly where the General came from. Aside from being a sort of robot, nobody knew exactly WHAT the General was. Popular belief was that the General was an android, loaded with a particular human being's memories in a specialized positronic brain.
The General's legend, however, extended far beyond that. Rumor had it that the General had once been a living, breathing human being, who had died somewhere around 2050. At that point, NSA scientists had reputedly placed the General's brain into a form of suspended animation, until the technology was developed to transfer the contents of the General's brain into an electronic brain of sorts that allowed the General to retain the capacity for thought.
Over the ensuing four centuries, technology had developed hugely, and by the time the Alliance was formed, the General once again had a body, was able to move about freely, and was able to take charge of the NSA with a fist of steel – quite possibly literally. And so it was that Omar Yagosian really didn't want to start his day by talking to the General.
"Alright," Yagosian sighed. "Put the General through."
The image of the deck officer flickered, and then changed to that of the General. As always, Yagosian was struck by the odd affectation of red hair that the General had chosen as a head-covering. "Uh, good morning, General."
"Captain Yagosian," the General's electronic voice came back. "I understand you're holding three individuals in your brig who claim to be intelligence agents of the Central Intelligence Agency and the NSA?"
"Uh, yes, that's correct," Captain Yagosian replied. "What do you know of these three, General?"
"In a moment, Captain," the General said. "What are their names?"
Yagosian looked at his notes. "Sarah Walker, Bryce Larkin, and John Casey."
That's when something astonishing happened – a smile appeared on the General's face. Captain Yagosian couldn't believe it. In all the pictures he had ever seen of the General, there was no facial expression – just a blank, emotionless slate. But now, there was what seemed to be an almost nostalgic smile on the General's face.
"Long time since I heard those names," the General said, and Omar Yagosian's jaw nearly hit the floor.
"You KNOW these people, General?!"
The General sighed. "I did, once upon a time." Then the smile disappeared. "Here's the important thing, Captain Yagosian. Those three agents have a special open-ended NSA warrant to search for a very important intelligence asset. You are to render them any and all assistance that you can in their mission. Understood?"
Yagosian shook his head. "Yes, General, but if they are who you say they are, how do I know that they won't assume I'm trying to set them up for something?"
That's when the General smiled again. "Well, Captain Yagosian, just tell them… tell them that Diane says hello."
10:58 AM, Alliance Mean Time
Transport Serenity
A steady thrum vibrated through Chuck Bartowski's head. And then again. And again.
Swimming upward through an ocean of pain and suffering, Chuck slowly came to wakefulness, realizing that the thrum was coming from Serenity's engines as he did so.
He cracked his eyes open – and then immediately snapped them back shut. The light hurt too much.
Goddamn alcohol, he thought to himself. He hadn't felt this way on the morning of New Year's Day since his last New Year's at Stanford.
Chuck attempted to lift his right arm to his face to try to rub his eyes open – and that's when he realized that his arm was stuck under the body of another human being. In spite of the light, his eyes flew open –
A mass of red hair rested on his chest. "Uh-oh," Chuck whispered to himself. He couldn't remember anything happening with Kaylee the night before – but that didn't mean that it hadn't. There had certainly been incidents at Stanford that were either fuzzy or completely not there – thus were the consequences of being in a fraternity.
Slowly raising his left arm, Chuck lifted the covers – and discovered that Kaylee was still fully clothed, and he was still clothed from the waist down. He slowly breathed a sigh of relief, though at the same time felt a tiny pang of disappointment. The relief came because he was not a fan of "close encounters" that he couldn't remember, but the disappointment – well, who wouldn't be disappointed? Chuck thought to himself.
Then, unbidden, another thought crawled into his head – Sarah wouldn't be disappointed that nothing happened, an accusing voice sneered at him.
Chuck sighed. No matter what he did – no matter what SARAH did, for that matter – he was going to have a very distinct problem making that voice fall silent.
MKV Columbia
The three agents who were supposedly from Earth-That-Was sat in Captain Yagosian's office, looking at him across his desk. His head was still spinning from his conversation with the General an hour and a half before, and he wasn't quite sure how to even begin speaking with these three.
"Alright," he finally said. "So here's how it is. There's an open-ended special warrant in the archives of the National Security Agency, permitting the three of you to search for one Charles Irving Bartowski with no restriction."
John Casey grinned. "Hot damn," he said. "Gotta love the NSA."
Yagosian scowled. He did not particularly love the NSA. "I have been instructed to render any and all assistance in making sure that you are able to complete this mission. As such, your shuttle will be retrofitted with a navsat tracking system and rudimentary defensive weapons. We are also installing a set of engines that will allow you to take off from a gravity field without using your combustion chambers. Finally, we've attached a vacuum sealable jail cell to your airlock, so you can keep the man you're keeping prisoner in there. Once the changes are finished, you and your pilots will be free to go –"
"Wait a second," Bryce Larkin interrupted. He turned to Sarah. "How do we know this isn't some sort of a setup? For all we know, Fulcrum could still be operating in this time period."
Captain Yagosian rolled his eyes. "I was warned you might have doubts," he sighed. "So, I've been instructed to give you a message from the director of the National Security Agency: 'Diane says hello'."
As little as it meant to Omar Yagosian, it apparently meant a great deal to John Casey and Sarah Walker. Both their faces took on expressions of shock, and they turned to look at each other. "There's no way," Sarah whispered.
Bryce, on the other hand, had no idea what was going on. "Diane?" he asked, looking from Casey to Sarah. "Who the hell is Diane?"
A hint of a smile reappeared on Casey's face. "Diane is General Beckman's first name, Larkin," he replied. "And I get the feeling that we might have ourselves something of a guardian angel."
Serenity
Chuck knew that he wasn't going to be able to stay in bed forever; however, he had been waiting nearly fifteen minutes now for Kaylee to wake up, and if her hangover was as bad as his, he really didn't want to disturb her. So, very gently, he began to slide his right arm out from under her, trying to move her as little as possible –
All to no avail. He had gotten his arm maybe halfway out when she stirred. She groaned softly into his chest, and then raised her head. Lifting a hand to brush her hair out of her face, she yawned, and then smiled. "Mornin'," she said sleepily.
"Just barely," Chuck replied. "It's after eleven already."
A sleepy look of surprise appeared on Kaylee's face. "Wow," she said. "We musta really partied last night, huh?"
Chuck smiled. "Something like that. How do you feel?"
Kaylee shrugged. "All things considered, not too bad," she replied. "Mildly disappointed to be wakin' up with all my clothes on, though. I take it there was no…"
"Not that I'm aware of," Chuck said. "I don't remember anything after about one o'clock, but you're completely clothed, and I'm still mostly clothed… that, and I don't feel like anything's bruised or broken…"
Kaylee raised an eyebrow. "Bruised or broken?" she echoed. A mischievous grin appeared on her face. "Just what kinda dates do you go on, Chuck?"
Chuck laughed softly. "It just seems like a 'Night with Chuck Bartowski' never ends without one or both parties getting injured," he replied.
"Well, that's quite weird," Kaylee said, her smile getting bigger. "But the real question is… you reckon somebody'll get hurt durin' a 'Morning with Chuck Bartowski'?"
A confused look appeared on Chuck's face. "I don't follow…"
By way of explanation, Kaylee swung her right leg over Chuck, straddling him, and then leaned down toward him, kissing him. He responded in kind, and Kaylee moaned softly as his tongue invaded her mouth. His hands took on a life of their own, and had made it up the back of the shirt and were working on the clasp of her bra when there was a knock at the door.
Kaylee pulled away and sat up, a look of disappointment on her face. "Damn," she muttered. But then, the look of disappointment turned to one of mischief.
Reaching up the back of her shirt, she completed the job that Chuck's hands had started on her bra clasp, and after some contortions that had Chuck's eyes about ready to pop out of his head, pulled the bra out from under her shirt. Kaylee then unbuttoned her jeans, ran a hand through her hair to muss it up a bit, and headed for the door, bra still in hand.
Chuck shook his head, doing his best not to laugh – right up until the door opened to reveal Mal Reynolds, at which point Chuck sat bolt upright in bed, his heart seeming to freeze in his chest. "Hi, Captain," Kaylee said sweetly.
Mal had apparently been opening his mouth to say something as the door opened, because his jaw hung open, a look of disbelief on his face. Kaylee tilted her head to one side. "Cat got your tongue, Mal?" she asked, a note of mischief in her voice.
Mal finally composed himself enough to close his mouth. After another moment, his voice seemed to recover. "I'm gonna – well – Chuck, when you have a moment, I need to talk to – actually, I need to talk to both of you, 'bout a job – yeah. See you in a few."
When Mal walked into the common room a moment later, he still had a look of confusion on his face. Jayne and Zoe both looked up from the table, both noticing the look. Jayne spoke first.
"What's the matter, Mal, did crazy girl work some voodoo magic on you or somethin'?"
Mal looked at Jayne, and his look of confusion turned to one of… well, almost the look one might expect to see on a teenage girl's father's face. "Well," Mal said, trying to pick the right words, "it would seem… that Kaylee… uh, that Kaylee has been in Chuck's bunk."
Zoe arched an eyebrow, a look of amusement appearing on her face. "Is that so, Captain," she replied. "Is that why you look like an overprotective father right now?"
"Hey!" Mal shot back, a hurt look on his face. "I am not an overprotective father! Kaylee's twenty-five years old, for God's sake. I just don't want her gettin' hurt by some tamade hùndàn, that's all."
A grin appeared across Zoe's face. "Uh-huh," she replied in a mocking tone. Standing from the table, she crossed to the wall, and put her finger over the intercom button.
"Zoe Washburne!" Mal said. "Don't you dare!"
It was too late, however, as Zoe pushed the button for public address. "Now hear this," she said. "It would seem that our mechanic has been cavortin' with a man nearly five hundred years her senior! If you should happen to observe further such carryin'-on, you are instructed to vidcap it for potential blackmail purposes."
She pushed the button again to shut off the intercom, and turned to face Mal and Jayne, who were both staring at her. "What?"
"Did you have to mention the five hundred years part?" Mal asked, wincing.
"Yeah," Jayne added. "That just seems… wrong."
2:00 PM, Alliance Mean Time
Shuttle Enterprise
Over the planet Persephone
MKV Columbia had been orbiting the planet Persephone when they pulled Enterprise in, and had remained there while they had kept the shuttle and its crew onboard. Now, Enterprise had departed Columbia's shuttle bay, and was headed for the city of Eavesdown. Captain Yagosian had suggested that that might be a good spot to start their search for Chuck Bartowski.
Captain Tweedum had been uneasy about Bryce joining the crew. "We don't have a spacesuit for him," he had mentioned when Bryce came onboard. "If we have an emergency, that might be a serious problem."
Casey had clapped a hand on the younger man's shoulder and looked him in the eye. "So don't have an emergency, Captain."
As the shuttle had lifted off, Bryce and Casey had gotten into an argument over the merits of the Beretta 9MM versus the Walther P9. It had grown heated and was getting annoying. Sarah had developed a headache, and she was just about at the point of drawing her Colt 1911 and settling the argument in a rather final manner.
As the two men kept arguing, Enterprise began its descent to Persephone. "Shuttle Enterprise to Eavesdown Docks," Major Lorenz said, speaking into his microphone and ignoring the two arguing intelligence agents. "Requesting approach clearance."
"Enterprise, this is Eavesdown Approach Control. Do you have hover capabilities, or do you require a runway?"
"Eavesdown, we are an aircraft type vehicle and will require a runway."
"Ten-four, Enterprise. Please turn to a heading of twenty-two degrees. Switch to frequency 191.7 for further instructions."
"Copy that, Eavesdown."
"Well, how 'bout that," Bryce interjected. "They still use VHF communication."
"Congratulations, Larkin," Casey sneered in reply. "They're humans, they're originally from Earth, they're a descendant government of the United States. Makes more sense than your brain seems to be able to handle."
Bryce rolled his eyes. "Oh, Casey, why can't we just get along?" he deadpanned, doing his best Rodney King impression. "Or is that too much for your peabrain to handle?"
Casey's nostrils flared, and his hand headed behind his back. "We'll get along just fine when you're dead, Larkin," he growled. "I've shot you twice – maybe the third time's the charm!"
"THAT IS ENOUGH," Sarah barked, instantly quieting both men.
A radio transmission cut through the silence. "Enterprise, this is Eavesdown Tower. You are cleared to land on runway 22 right."
"Alright, folks," Captain Tweedum said. "Much as I hate to interrupt your scintillating conversation back there, y'all need to make sure you're strapped in and shut the hell up while Major Lorenz and I land this thing. Landing it at Kennedy is tricky enough. Landing it on an entirely new planet on a runway neither of us have touched before is going to be another matter altogether."
The three intelligence agents all glared at Captain Tweedum, but he simply turned around and began running through the "before landing" checklist with Major Lorenz. So the three simply sat in stony silence.
The shuttle remained quiet for the remainder of the landing, the silence interrupted only by the occasional radio call or a checklist item between the two pilots. Enterprise landed without incident and rolled out quickly. A tow tractor drove up to the shuttle, hooked on, and started pulling them toward what looked like a terminal area.
As soon as the shuttle came to a stop by the terminal, Sarah unstrapped herself and stood up. Turning around, she cast a look of death at John Casey and Bryce Larkin. "The two of you need to listen to me, and listen well," she hissed. "Since the two of you seem determined to prove that you're both assholes, I am taking command of this mission. You will do as I say, when I say it."
She turned her glare specifically on Bryce. "And I swear to you, if YOU try anything – and I mean ANYTHING – on me, I will shove my Taser so far up your ass –"
Bryce's eyes widened. "Sarah, calm down –"
"Shut up, Bryce," she snapped, as Major Lorenz opened the shuttle's hatch, revealing an airstair on the other side. Sarah disappeared through the hatch, the sound of her shoes hitting the stairs reverberating through the spacecraft.
An awkward silence filled the shuttle, finally broken by Captain Tweedum. "Jesus Christ," he uttered. "Is she always like that?"
Major Lorenz shook his head. "I do not envy you guys," he said, trying to keep a straight face. "Good luck."
Casey stared at Lorenz. "What, we don't get backup?"
Tweedum shrugged. "Sorry, Major. You're on your own with Psychotic Agent Woman. Major Lorenz and I have to chase down the supplies we need to make sure the heat shield is in good enough shape the next time we come through an atmosphere."
Casey shook his head, and then looked over to Bryce. "Well, Larkin, you think you can handle getting somebody to unload your Pontiac from the cargo bay?"
"I'll do that if you take Mullins out to stretch his legs," Bryce replied.
Casey shrugged. "Roger that."
tamade hùndàn - f**king a**hole
Author's note: just in case there's any confusion, "The General" of the 26th century is, in fact, General Diane Beckman.
