(Hi! I wouldn't have updated today, but I did, mainly to spite your one who said it was garbage. Judge me.

Today's parody: Patchwork wonderbabies. (A/H kids.)

NO OFFENSE IS MEANT.

Don't own AF.


Some definitions that would be useful right now:

Patchwork Kid: Fan-made child of two canon characters that basically looks like a mishmash of the parents, eg, a blonde blue-eyed man and a dark-haired brown-eyed woman have a kid with dark hair with blonde streaks in it with one blue and one brown eye.

Wonderbaby: Fan-made (or occasionally canon) child of two characters. They somehow magically have all the good traits of the parents, but none of the bad, eg, the aforementioned blondie and his girlfriend (we'll call them Bob and Jo) are wizards. Bob has ice powers and a tendency to be cold-hearted but loyal. Jo has fire powers and a horrible temper, but she's also friendly. Their kid has both fire and ice powers, and is loyal and friendly. No weaknesses are shown. It sucks.

Stuff you should know:

I like next-gen fics, usually. It's just when you end up with a clichéd wonderchild that I hate it. In fact, I'd say this is one of my least-favourite tropes here on FF. If you have written a next-gen fic and are offended, I apologise. I feel the need to justify mainly because this trope is very popular and chances are at least some of you have written something like this (I am guilty of at least considering)


ON WITH THE PARODY:

It had happened. Against all odds, Holly and Artemis had a kid. Two, actually. They were currently in the hospital bringing it home. The fairy population was totally okay with the relationship and allowed Holly to move to Ireland and give up her job, which she was totally okay with. I used the phrase 'totally okay' way too much there. Meh. Their child was named Artemis 3 and he defied all known genetics.

He had dark hair with auburn streaks, and rudely ignored the fact that that was physically impossible without some sort of genetic flaw that was almost certainly dangerous, and that dark hair was a dominant gene, so it should at least be black with auburn streaks if he insisted on the punk look. He also had eyes that were brown at the centre and deep, deep blue at the edge, also impossible as babies are always born with either pale blue or dark brown eyes. Not both. Finally, he had Artemis's pale skin. Dark skin is a dominant gene, and even so, Artemis gained his pale skin from lack of sunlight, not genes. For some reason nobody had commented on the weirdness of this child. Nobody.

When they got home, they were hug-tackled by the twins, Coral and Angeline. Y'know, for someone who's written quite a few bestselling novels, you'd think Artemis would have more imagination than to name his daughters after their grandmothers, but alas, it isn't so. Coral and Angeline both had auburn hair with black tips and totally random grey eyes because they were mutant geniuses with the powers of:

Healing

Flying without wings

Shapeshifting

Talking to animals

Changing their appearance at will

Pyrokinetics (fire powers)

Ice powers

Telekinesis

Telepathy

Empathy

Shooting purple lasers from their eyeballs

All these powers came from their mutations and the fact that they were experimented on at birth, even though most lab experiments are tested on animals first, and these things are all impossible without some modification to the brain's magnetic field, and said modification couldn't be done in the next... Eh, I'd say billion years or so. Huh, that book I borrowed recently that said all of what I typed in the above paragraph actually came in useful(ish?).

They will now be forgotten until they are necessary to the plot. Aka never. Normal human(-fairy hybrids) had saved the world without all this jazz. But the author thought it would be cool and so gave them pointless powers anyway, for the sake of Mary Sues. Artemis and Holly disappeared, never to be seen again, because this is a next-gen fic and nobody cares about what the previous, more important gen is doing.


Flash forward a few years:


Technology had not advanced in the slightest. (Another thing I dislike about this kind of fic. It's set in like, 2030, and yet everyone's still using iPhone 4s.) The war that would someday create Panem had not yet happened. Dammit, I almost wrote 750 words free of references. Maybe next time...

Artemis 3 was now 10. Angeline and Coral were now 16. Writing numbers as words is overrated. As is writing Artemis 3 as Artemis III or Arty 2.0 or something. IceDynamiteDragonflyStars realised she had not yet done twin-bashing, so...

Why are there twins anyway? It's been established that fairies only have twins 0.25 times in a blue moon. The last twins were literally celebrities just for being twins. Some may argue that their father's a mudman. That argument is dumb. Holly's ovaries don't know who the daddy is! (Er, this was T, right? If not, it's T now!)

So, as I was saying, it was ten years later. Coral and Angeline lived normal lives. They occasionally got kidnapped and held to ransom, because in a next-gen fic, anyone who hates the protagonists will sneak into the house and take their kids even though if they could manage to sneak into the house and take the children and hated Artemis and Holly that much, they could have just assassinated them. And don't say they can hold them for ransom; they could just sneak in, assassinate Artemis and Holly, then make off with all them old paintings and stuff that's in Fowl Manor if money's what they're after.

I mean, seriously. Too seriously. I'm sorry this isn't as funny as usual, I kinda got carried away due to my intense dislike of Mary Sue kids with really bad genetics.


So... Yeah. REVIEW!