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Chapter 8:
Jacobs bike was parked in the front of the house. Jake, what would he say about my weekend away? My weekend away from him, my weekend with Landon. Alone. He smiled and waved as we pulled up the drove, I saw Landon's hands clench the steering wheel a little bit tighter.
"Jacobs here." he stated bluntly, as if I couldn't see that.
"I know."
"You knew he was coming?"
"I, assumed, and I can see him." I laughed, trying to brush it off.
He raised his eye brow at me as he parked his car, the rest of the family pulled up slowly behind us and pulled into the garage. I smiled at Jake and walked toward the house.
I was excited for my race, but I knew Jacob would not be equally excited. He would be excited that I was going to be in my first race, but as soon as he found out Landon was going to be there, with me, alone. The excitement would shoot straight out the window. I wondered slightly if he would try to go with me? Like he didn't trust me? Then again, I hadn't made up my mind. I had made no decision on what I wanted now. I thought a few months ago I knew everything. Now, I wasn't so sure. Now, everything was turned upside down, and all messed up and confusing. I didn't think any one person could be this confused.
If you think your life is confusing step into my shoes. In love with two men.
Torn between lovers. Destined to be with one, but which one?
Maybe this was payback, payback for being the creature that I am. Destined to be in love, but to never be truly happy. In love with two men, maybe I couldn't have either. Maybe I would loose them both? I was meant to be alone.
"Nes?"
"Carlie?"
I heard simultaneously as Jacob and Landon both called me. Brining me from my thoughts.
"Hmm."
"Baby you ok?" Landon put his arm around my shoulder as we waked into the house.
"Yeah. Just thinking."
"Your excited, and nervous, it'll be awesome, I promise."
I looked up at him, trying to keep my face even. Please don't say anything, not right now. Let me explain first. I wanted to scream it, but I knew I couldn't.
Jacob looked at him questioningly I could see the question forming in his head before it even left his lips. Please don't ask. don't, just let it go. For once in your life be nonobservant.
"About what?" of course not. I suppressed a sigh. Landon was sneaky, he never actually did anything out right and dirty, you could never pin it on him or blame him. It was completely normal. But he knew how to play the game. I couldn't be mad, at either of them for there behavior. If I was in there place, I would be just as sneaky to try to get things to jab at the other person.
"This weekend." Landon replied, like Jacob was to automatically know, like he was physic or something.
"What's this weekend." he said not trying to hide his irritation.
"I forgot, you didn't know." he smiled at Jacob. "Carlie has some amazing news." he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. "she is going to be in her first motocross race this weekend."
"What? That's awesome Nes!"
I smiled up at him, knowing it wouldn't be so awesome twenty seconds from now when he found out it was to be just me and Landon.
"I have a race this weekend also, and when I saw that she could enter, I didn't hesitate. She is good enough to win."
"I know she is."
"It'll be so exciting you'll have to bring back your trophy to show it off." Alice beamed.
"So I'm getting a trophy?" I almost squealed.
Alice shrugged and walked out of the room. Trying not to ruin the surprise apparently.
"Bring it back?" Jacob looked toward us slightly puzzled.
"Oh, well yes. We are going away this weekend."
"Oh."
"It's to sunny for the rest of the family." Landon slightly frowned. "But we will be fine for the race. They can watch it on some TV channel I'm sure,"
It finally registered in Jacobs head. Landon and I were going to the race. Together, with no one else. His face dropped, and It almost looked like he was biting the inside of his mouth. His posture straightened, and his body got tense. His hands became slight fists.
"My first race." I smiled. Trying to remind him of the fact that its not that Landon will be there but my race.
"Yeah, Congrats." Jake smiled.
********
I was beaming. I was excited, and couldn't sit still. I couldn't believe that just two days ago I found out I would be in my first race. I didn't go to school with my family today. I had asked if I could stay home and get ready, since we were leaving tomorrow.
Friday couldn't come soon enough. Jacob how ever could wait forever.
I was packing my bags, and getting ready when he arrived a the house.
"Nes."
"Jacob? What are you doing here?"
"Well, you didn't go to school. I figured this would be a better time than any to talk to you." he paused. "Without, anyone around."
"Oh."
"So, tomorrow." he nodded.
"Yeah, I cant wait. I don't race till Saturday but.." I realized that's not what he was talking about. I sighed. "Jake. It's, not, Landon."
"I didn't say anything."
"Your face said it all."
He shrugged.
"Jacob, I know, that night. I. I've explained it, it was amazing, I love you. I do."
"I know I know, but you love Landon to. But ya know what. Some how that's beginning to not be enough."
I stood there mouth agape.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, you cant keep, uh I don't know. I just don't like it!" he growled. "You being with him."
"Jake, I."
"No, you haven't told him anything. that's not fair! As far as he thinks your still together, going strong, and think nothing of me. And that's not that case!" I looked down at my feet, not able to see his face. "Or is it?"
My head shot up like a rocket. "What! You think I think nothing of you?" I shouted. He had pushed my buttons.
"Well, you haven't said anything to him about making a mistake, or needing time to think. Nes, what do you want me to think?"
"I don't know! I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is I love both of you. And I don't know what to do!"
"Well you better figure out. And soon!"
"I cant! I don't know what to do Jacob. I love you, but I love him. I cant, its."
"I love you to." he whispered softly. "But I cant do this. This isn't fair. All this time I've wanted you, I've waited for you."
I cut him off. "Waited! You waited for me! Really? Was that before or after Leah?" I hissed. His face dropped. I knew it was a low blow, but I had, had enough. "This hurts Jacob, this kills me! It killed me coming home and finding that out! You have no idea how that felt! Knowing the only person you ever loved, had loved someone else! Had slept with some one else and had there child! It kills me standing here knowing that fact! But the love I have for you over powers that hurt! Dammit Jacob!"
"I love you! I have always loved you. It has never been anyone but you! There are moments in your life that stand out form the rest. I can name two. Meeting you and falling in love with you, and loosing you when you left on the run from the Volturi. The most joyous and happiest moment in my entire life, and also the most painful. So don't stand there and tell me about hurt. Nessie, I waited for you, eighty two years, five months, twenty three days and 5 hours, give or take an hour or two. You think I didn't suffer! You think I didn't wait! I waited! I never gave up! Ever!"
"Are you saying I did?" tears were stinging my face now.
"I don't know. With the other night but before that, I tried to say I was sorry and explain myself. You didn't want to hear it! You wanted nothing to do with me! Somehow I have to wonder if that was all because of Landon." he hissed his name.
He would not blame this all on me. "I didn't climb on top of my self! I didn't choose to marry some one else! I love you both! I cant help who I fall in love with!"
"I'm not saying you can!" he was shouting to. "You know what. I don't really know what I'm saying. Honestly Nes. I love you, I want you. All of you. Forever, now and always. But I cant do this. I cant just sit back and let you be with some one else. Especially not after the other night. I cant. It hurts to much."
"What are you saying?" I tried to fight the tears.
"I'm saying. You can just keep putting me on the back burner. You cant just hold onto me, and put me aside for when things may or may not go bad. Or for when you get bored of Landon. And ya know what vise versa. that's not fair to me or him. So you better figure out soon Nessie. I love you I really do. But figure out soon, or if you don't tell him. I will. I cant just sit here and do nothing. I wont be a backup." and with that he left, leaving me speechless and crying.
It was my own fault. I knew it. I was horrible. I had slept with Jacob, all the while being with Landon. I was the worst kind of person. He was right, I was leading them both on. I didn't know what I wanted. How could I choose between two loves? It wasn't fair. This was my punishment. This was karma. Some form of justice for being a monster. Only now, I really was a monster. The worst kind of monster.
Mmkay! So here goes. I'll update the next chapter. Chapter 9. When I get lets say 6 reviews. Come on. I know you can do it!! Least I didn't say chapter 9 for 9 reviews.. I could be cruel! :- ) lol
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