I'll admit it: I don't like to think of Alivar. It's been nearly ten years, and I haven't been able to tell anyone I've met since about him. He was the first of my three shames – and I'll be dead before I let anyone from my new life in Skyrim to learn of those. Still, the knowledge he left me with has saved my life enough times already, and at least now I can perform a healing spell without immediately seeing his face before me.
I'll admit this as well: as painful as the memories are, I can't help but to dwell on them whenever confronted with elves and lovesick puppies – and Faendal was both. He'd agreed to come with me to Bleak Falls Barrow and aid me confront the bandits stationed there – so I could fulfil Farengar's assignment more easily. He had an extra motive, of course: to impress a sight in Skyrim of unmatched beauty – no, this is not a pang of jealousy over the fact that nobody's ever offered to step inside a cave full of bandits to please me. For once, the unapologetic display of love was endearing, even if it did trigger the wrong memories.
He showed me a couple of archery tricks on the way there, at least. After we'd cleared the broken tower right before the barrow and the site's entrance, we inspected every nook and cranny looking for the claw. Nothing there. The face he made after searching the last bandit was heart-breaking. We shared the loot evenly, and then he parted – I still had a stone to look for, after all.
Once inside, I lost track of time, hearing nothing but a gentle whisper that I still don't think it was my imagination. Ancient Nords clearly cared greatly about disturbing the dead – if the complicated layout of the place wasn't enough, there were also booby traps everywhere, and even a gate protected by a door puzzle. Draugrs by the dozen, too, which was nasty business, but according to Athis' notes their bonemeal makes for neat fire-resist potions.
Frostbite spiders are even nastier, and one them came so close to biting me to make me briefly reconsider my choice to use a second sword instead of a shield. At last, I found the bandit with the Valeriuses' claw, just as he was about to get eaten by a spider – and he tried to double cross me! Such nerve.
I wish I hadn't had to kill him, but as soon as he mentioned not wanting to share the loot… Oh, Alivar, you should've warned me that piercing flesh with sharp metal would be delicious. The whispering in my ear grew even stronger, and it began to feel like my reward was calling me, from inside the dungeon.
I opened the second door puzzle – the bandit had done most of the work for me there, at least. After that, a simply began running and following the whispers, which grew more aggressive with every step. They led me to the main chamber, where the dragonstone awaited me right in front of a curved wall full of ancient carvings, which seemed to emit a pale blue glow – the same one as my circlet, I could swear. As I approached the wall, the whispers turned into shrieking, the pale glow became a blinding light, and I fell to my knees.
Riverwood's torches were blinking. It must be right after supper, since most people seemed to be sitting by the fire at home or strolling close to the pub. The working day was over, and it was time to catch some refreshment, in a couple of hours everything would go dark. Life in small villages has those queer routines. I was coated in thick dust right below an even thicker layer of spider webs, so it felt just right to take a room for the night before returning the claw to Lucan and Camilla.
I didn't even make it to the inn's counter. As soon as I entered the building, I found Hadvar regaling a Sigrid, Sven, and Embry with soldiering stories. He immediately waved me over to his table, and kissed my hand as soon as I approached.
"My sweet, sweet nordic imperial" He was slurring enough to excuse the sudden, very public, familiarity. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick."
"Easy there with the anxiety, grandma. And I go by whelp nowadays, I told you." Embry chose that moment to pass out on the table with a loud thump, which we ignored.
"There's little else to do around here. I will worry as much as I please, and you will mock me. How was the adventure?"
"It was excellent. Got two pieces of treasure for the price of one quest. But don't let me interrupt you, you guys were clearly in the middle of a story"
"Nonsense, no interruption, you sit right here!" He dragged a chair in between his own and Sigrid's. I quickly glanced at her apologetically, as if asking for permission. She nodded, seemingly giving it.
"Sira, I suppose you won't get back until tomorrow?" She asked as she handed me a mug.
"Yes, I'm afraid it's too late to bang on the Valerius door now, right?" I replied.
"Nobody bang on Camilla's door! I will duel whoever does!" Sven hollered, flushed.
"Easy there! This Nordic imperial has fought countless draugrs and a dragon just this week. She'll win any duel"
"No duelling. Also, you're telling people now we fought that dragon? Really? How long have you been drinking?"
Sigrid giggled, suddenly looking much younger than she was. "Oh, I only came to join them an hour ago – but these three have been hitting the Honningbrew since lunchtime. No surprises on Embry's side, I suppose."
"Hey, I'm not drunk! Sven should be sent home, don't you think so, aunt?" Oh, subtle work, Hadvar.
"Oh, but I was just about to tell you all about how Faendal saved my life twice today!" I hit gold with that one – Sven abruptly stood up and announced he needed to guard Valeria's doorstep.
"I'll take that as my cue to leave as well. Please, Sira, don't bother with a room here, and bring Hadvar home as soon as you're…done."
"I'm fine, aunt!"
"Nobody's saying you're not. But you still need support. For your leg." I intervened.
"Listen to the girl, Hadvar, she'll teach you a lesson or two about subtlety. I'll see you two soon." Sigrid gave us each a kiss on the cheek before leaving. She could've taught the High King a lesson on diplomacy, I thought, as I was left alone with Hadvar. We stayed at the inn for over an hour, him telling me more stories about his beginning in the Legion, me giving him the details about the Bleak Falls and the Companions. We continued talking as we walked slowly back home, with his arm around my shoulder.
"You are a witty, wicked creature." He said, laughing, after hearing how I'd managed to hit "the smart twin" on my trial.
"Thank you, sir. So kind of you to notice." Mock-curtsey right on cue. It was becoming my thing.
"I should start being careful around you. You're risky business, beating up Companions and slaying bandits"
"Oh, please! You're safe from me. Not an exception I grant easily, you'll see."
"I certainly hope you don't grant these exceptions too often." And with that, he planted a kiss right on my lips.
Damned be the mead, which I could taste in both of our breaths. It left me no choice but to kiss him back. His kiss was a bit sloppy, but I deepened it anyway, circling his neck with my arms, relishing in the feeling of warm refuge he was giving me. He had me grabbed firmly by the waist, which was by all means promising – until he abruptly stopped. He started stroking my left cheek with his thumb and gave me a peck in the forehead, which said too much of the wrong kind of affection.
"My sweet adventurer. What will I do without you next week?"
"You're a strong, tough soldier. You'll manage." I nibbled his neck softly, but he moved away from it.
"I wish we didn't have to say goodbye so soon."
"Shhh! Now's not the time for that. We still have 4 days until you leave."
"But tomorrow you go back to the Companions."
"I can postpone that."
"But you'll stay with them." How can he sound so upset while looking so enraptured?
"Don't you think I should?"
"You were supposed to come with me to Solitude. Where I could make sure you're safe."
Wait, what? I thought I was a dangerous warrior? What's wrong with this man?
"I can keep myself safe!"
"Right, of course you can. And I suppose it's a privilege, to be a Companion."
Right, nothing but the ramble of excessive mead. And yet he keeps his distance.
"Yes, it's a unique chance to be trained by the very best and make some serious coin, if that's what you mean. And as soon as I'm good enough, I'll go to General Tullius and look you up."
"Train hard, then. I'll be waiting."
"Oh, I will. I'm sure you'll find plenty to keep you entertained until then."
"Right, like the memories from the loveliest friend I've ever had"
"Don't say that. I may believe you."
"Believe what you will. You are, and I'll be waiting. I promise." No, no, don't say that, Hadvar. This is more than I'm willing to promise.
"We still have four days before we need to make any sad promises. And I'm still full of Barrow dust. Should we go to the river?" I pulled him closer, hoping that would win over any reserve he had.
"You go if you want. I… you leave tomorrow."
My smile froze completely.
"Yes, I do. If that's the problem, just say it. Just tell me what you want."
"I'm sorry, I should not have started anything." With that, he kissed my hand again and immediately stepped back, his sudden distance feeling very final.
The next morning, I still couldn't make sense of his behaviour, so all that was left was to deal with the shame of rejection (because that's what it was, right?) in private. I sped off very quickly to the Riverwood Trader's, eager to return the golden claw and leave the town behind.
