Emily
"What is it?" Hanna asks, alarmed.
I take a breath to see if the sharp pain will go away - But it doesn't.
"I don't know." I reply. "My stomach keeps getting tight..."
"Maybe it's braston hix." Spencer offers. "You know, those practice contractions?"
"It's not." I mutter. "I have them all the time. It's not that." I switch my hands from cradeling the baby to rubbing my lower back. "And my back is killing me. And I have to pee."
"You always have to pee," Aria interjects.
"And our backs always hurt." Hanna reminds me.
"Maybe you're constipated." Spencer says way too loudly.
I kick her under the table.
"Come on," Aria scoots Spencer over and exits the booth. "Let's go to the bathroom."
Aria and I go into the bathroom, and she waits outside the stall for me.
Anyone have bladder anxiety? You know, can't pee when you're infront of people you know? Yeah, that goes away when your bladder is being pushed on my a growning kid.
But that doesn't mean finding blood in your pee doesn't cause anxiety.
"I'm bleeding," I tell her.
"That CAN be normal..." She reminds me. "Don't get freaked."
"I'm not." I tell her over the stall door. "But I think these stomach pains are.. like... real..."
"Real... contractions?"
"Yeah..."
"Do you want to go to the hospial?"
I consider this. Do I want to go to the hospital. What kind of question is that? Of course I don't. Who wants to go to the hospital? Who wants to push out a baby and give their baby up? No one.
"I don't know." I finally mutter. "I don't know anything." I start to cry.
"Finish up." Aria tells me.
It takes me a few seconds but I do. And I pull my maturnity jeans up, flush the toilet and run my hands under water and dry them. But then I just sit back down on the closed toilet lid and cry some more. Aria crawls under the stall and hands me some toliet paper as a tissue, eventhough I could've easiely gotten it myself.
"You're so lucky," I joke out. "You're married and you can keep your baby! You have someone who loves you and,"
"And my brother got my best friend pregnant...?" She finishes with a little laugh.
"Exactly!" I throw the tissue down. "And I'm gay!"
"Honey," She stroaks my hair, finding my outburst funny. "You can keep the baby." She tells me. "It is your choice. Not you sexualities. Mike may be immature. But he'd grow up enough. And you have all of us girls,
and hey, maybe Maya would -"
"Would step up and marry me and be 'mommy' while I'm 'mama?' Feed her from her boob so I can swim? I don't think so."
Aria nearly snorts this time laughing, which makes me cry more.
"Forget about Mike. Forget about swimming. Forget Maya and your parents, forget everything. Do you want to keep this baby?"
I stop crying and consider this, once again. I close my eyes and picture my life with him, and then without him.
"No..." I finally answer. "I really don't."
"Then why is this so hard?" She asks.
"Because... He's... my kid..."
"Yes, he is." She assurs me. "But if you don't feel equipt to raise him - then don't. But you will always be his mama, and you know that."
I do know that.
Aria offers her hand and I take it, standing up. Then we hug, and our stomachs meet. "You know our babies are cousins." She points out.
"I know." I sigh. One more reason this is so hard. And on to the harder part - the hospital.
