He hurt me. I never thought he would, but he hurt me. I caught him with Terri at Breadstixs the other day, he was kissing her, he saw me running out the door and tried to follow me, but my father held him back as I ran into the parking lot and sat there alone. I didn't need anyone before, so there isn't a difference, I didn't think, Will was the only person I let in, I let him in because he seemed liked he cared, it turns out I was wrong. When I got home I cried cuddling a pillow into my chest as I pull out my diary, that my parents put back in its place, and start to read it, it was torture, I cried myself to sleep that night in hope I would be okay by tomorrow morning to go to school. I walk in the school and Terri was there wishing Will good things for school that day, but then she looks right at me and kisses Will, I walked away as fast I could and didn't even bother to show up for Glee. I went straight home, laying on my bed for a few minutes and grabbed my diary to start to write in, I guess it was back to the diary, the only thing I can really trust. This is what I wrote:
"Wow, two days in a roll, two people have hurt me. Yeah, you may not think it's a big deal, but it definitely is. I will never be that so-called "Perfect Girl," I am not model status pretty, I am not that gorgeous girl that's tall and slender, I am more like the opposite. I am that girl who can't trust anyone, and when they get too close, I push them away, knowing that they would never fall for a girl like me because you know what? I am the worst person you could fall in love with. I am so insecure that every time someone says I am pretty, I lie and thank them knowing full well that I was anything but. I know later on in life no guy will love me, he will just settle for me. I am so far off now that no one can possible save me, that's why I help people, tell them how loved they are, tell them they are beautiful, tell them they are perfect as they are because that is the truth. I never want them to feel like I do now, I mean I am a pathetic high schooler who has dated only two guys. If there was anyone out there for me, it is someone not here.
I need a superhero. A guy to hold me while I cry and cry for hours because of how scarred I have been. A guy that will protect me and defend me. A guy who will love me unconditionally. A guy who can put up with my obsessions and singing. A guy who will never judge me and be able to pick me up. I just need a guy who will love me, who can hold me.. Right now, I am just so broken and I need someone to fix it all, just everything. I understand no one wants to listen to this, but that's why it's in my diary, so no one can see it, no one will know how I feel, hiding myself is all I have been doing all my life even from my family.
Will hurt me, he was the only one who understood me, he comforted me, he was my superhero and seeing him kissing Terri broke my heart, I went to school and saw it again. These past two days have been the worst, I really thought I was the only one for him, I thought he loved me. Flashbacks come back to me and I smile, but as soon as I smile I cry because he left me, he cheated, he broke me just as much as everyone else did, but worse. I thought he was the only one, I thought he was mine forever, high school is so difficult. Until next time, thank you for being there for me, diary."
After writing I felt a little better knowing I got it off my chest, knowing that it's over and done with. I know this all happened for a reason, I just need to face it and be as strong as I was before, I have fooled so many people, I can fool them again. I sit up in my bed, turn on some music and start to sing not holding anything back, it feels like I am letting everything out, but never telling anyone anything, it was one of the best feelings ever. I finally realized that I can cope with all of this by singing and writing, it was a perfect idea and it might not be as good as Will being there for me, but he chose Terri, Emma, get over it.
The next day I walk into school, holding my head up high and smiling for the world to see, I make my way to my locker, it's like the first day all over again. I wipe the locker handle opening it and grabbing everything I needed as I made my way towards class, that's when Will stopped me in the hallway.
"Em."
"Will, don't call me that, call me by my full name."
"Emma." He looked at me and sighed. I couldn't take it anymore, I just needed to tell him.
"You know what? I don't want to hear your excuses, I let you in, Will. That was so hard for me and I really thought you wouldn't do this or hurt me the way you did. This is why I don't let anyone close to me, I am like a bomb, and everything always explodes when things become good." I was crying, I promised myself I wouldn't do that. I start to walk away when he grabs my arm and turns me around.
"Emma.." He starts to wipe away my tears with his thumb as I push his hand away. "You have to know that it was Terri. I was with my friends at Breadstixs, and you know I was, she came there and when my friends left she started hitting on me, trying to get me back, saying all these mean things about you and all I wanted to do was punch her, I saw her eyes go somewhere else and she grabbed my head and kissed me. Emma, you have to believe me." He looks at me with those sad eyes, tears trying so hard not to form as I chose the right words to say.
"Will, I don't know what to believe anymore. Yesterday I came to school and she was here with you, kissing you. That hurt me Will, you were supposed to be mine, I loved you.." I started crying again. "I LET YOU IN, I TRUSTED YOU. Do you know how bad that hurt me, Will? I cried, I went back to writing in my diary, and you know all about that." His gaze never left my eyes as he said the next words.
"Em, even if you never believe me, I want to know that I will always love you and you're so important to me, I hope to talk more about this later because I miss my Em." As he walks away, I try hard to stop crying, he was right, we had the same feelings. Maybe, just maybe, we can get through this.
