OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY. I was planning on updating this while I was on vacation, but I left my computer on my bed *facepalm*. Then, I got stuck in all the snow/blizzard weather in the midwest AND in the northeast. Then, my grandmother passed away, so I then had to go to the south for her funeral and got home last night. Needless to say, it's been crazy. Also I was totally one of those that was stuck (legit could not leave) in the JFK airport, but I made some new friends who are just as energetic as I am. Everyone around us hated us, but hey. There's only so many ways you can entertain yourself in an airport for days waiting for an available flight and keep it PG. I also got a LOT of writing done, including a draft of the first few chapters for another story, but they have a lot of editing to have done since. Anywho, I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere! (Ha, my computer just told me that "I'm" in that sentence is supposed to be "I are"... Now, I know I'm not awesome with grammar, but I'm going to go ahead and believe that that's wrong..)

Oh! And also, since Clare wasn't at Degrassi for ...years... obviously the whole KC dating thing (Jenna included) never happened. Soooooo yeah. I honestly never liked KC, so I'm totally okay with that.


Eli's POV

It's been almost two months since Clare's lunchroom 'show'. Of course, after her conversation with Alli, everyone had heard about what happened. I swear that girl couldn't keep a secret even if her own life depended on it. Clare had to of known that everyone would know after telling Alli. I mean, she was best friends with her at one point. But maybe that's the way Clare wanted it: tell the story to one person who will tell the rest of the school. Maybe it was better that way.

During the past two months, Clare and I have become nearly inseparable outside of school. We aren't dating, but everyone assumes that we are. Clare's also had a few people rekindle friendships with her, and she spends every day at lunch with them while I'm stuck watching from a few tables over with Adam. She needs them in her life, and if I'm by her side, she won't pay attention to them.

"Why aren't you two dating already? You're practically drooling over her and besides, everyone thinks you are," Adam pestered.

"You don't think I know that?" I responded, still watching Clare laughing with her friends. "Everyone says she likes me, but I want to make sure those feelings aren't just because I was nice to her when no one else was before I make any move at all."

"And it has nothing to do with Julia...?" Adam pushed.

"Of course not. I love her, and I always will, but she'd want me to be happy, right?"

"Absolutely," he grinned.

I told Clare about Julia about three weeks after the day in the lunchroom. I knew she understand, especially after everything she's been through. She supportively held my hand the entire time while I shook and cried, and I had use every bit of strength I had to not kiss her right then and there. I've fallen so deep for this girl, and I hate that I can't express it to her.

After school, Clare and I went to the park to edit our essays for class the next day. Most of the time was spent goofing off and her talking about her therapy appointments since she's emotionally improving. Eventually we swap papers. We were supposed to write about something, or someone, that we feel changed our lives and naturally, I wrote about how Clare helped me move past the rut I was in after Julia's passing. She really helped me see that Julia would want me to be happy and to not stop living just because she couldn't, but instead to live for Julia, or something along those lines. I watched her as she read my paper. Perhaps she won't even notice that I basically wrote how much I like her. It's not like I wasn't careful about how I worded things, but I wanted to see her facial reaction because that would be where her honesty would show.

She looked up at me, her eyes distant. "Was it really that bad?" I feared her answer. I knew it was crossing a line that we had unspokenly set.

"No Eli, it was a really good paper," her words cold. What did I do?

"Then what's wrong? You were fine before you read it."

"..."

"Clare...?"

"Is it true? Am I really the person who changed your life?" she asked as if she were afraid of the answer. Did I want to tell her the truth? Yes. Should I tell her the truth? Yes. Am I going to tell her the truth? Well, that's written in the paper.

"Of course it is, Clare. Every word in that paper is true," I looked down at my hands which were on top of her paper that I had yet to read.

"Oh," was all she managed to say. Neither of us said anything for about five minutes.

"Crap, I was supposed to be home by 4," she lied. I knew she was lying. She just didn't want to be around me. She rejected me, but I wasn't going to let her know that the hidden meaning of that paper was how much I liked her.

"Want me to drive you home?" I asked, knowing full well of the answer.

"N-no thanks. Edit my paper and let me know of the changes later tonight?"

"Sure, Edwards," I replied. I didn't leave the picnic table for probably another hour. Instead, I just read her paper on how her father completely changed her life. Of course she would write about that.

.

The next day at school, Clare avoided me. She avoided me all last night as well. Alli was our go between for messages about our papers, which was unfortunate for me because I could hardly stand the girl. She was way too perky and wore way to much make up. If I didn't go to school with her and just passed her on the streets, I'd think she was wanting to be a hooker. Who knows? Maybe she does.

Once English had arrived, I had planned on asking Clare what was wrong, but when she arrived at class, she went straight up to Miss Dawes, said something while handing her the paper, and turned around and left. Was my paper really that upsetting to her?

I decided to go to see Clare after school. I needed to know what I did wrong, and the only way to get that out of her was to confront her somewhere she couldn't run from me. As I approached her house, my stomach began twisting in knots. Did I really want to do this? I knew how fragile Clare was. Maybe all she needed was space. No, I thought to myself, she can't run away from this.

I climbed out of Morty and walked to her front door. I stood just staring at the door, probably looking like a creep to all of the neighbors, trying to find courage to knock on the door. As I rose my hand to knock, the door opened, revealing Clare's mother.

"Hi Eli. Are you here to deliver Clare's homework?" she said, smiling.

"Um... Yeah..." Lie.

"Okay, well she's in her room. You can go on up. I was just about to go to the store anyway. I trust you'll behave?" she laughed.

I chuckled and replied, "You honestly have nothing to worry about." She opened the door wider for me to enter, and I quickly passed her and made my way up the stairs to Clare's bedroom. I stopped outside the door debating whether or not I should really do this. Can she handle it? Can I handle the truth? As I was debating, I heard her mother leave the house, start her car, and drive away. I couldn't sit here and debate anymore, and with that, I softly knocked on Clare's door.

No answer.

I knocked again, a little louder. Still no answer.

I opened her door slightly, and noticed that Clare was sleeping on her bed, her back facing the wall. Some of her curls were slightly covering her face, and I couldn't help but smile to myself at how adorable she looked. I soon felt awkward just watching her sleep, so instead, I started looking at the pictures she had all over her room. Some were of her and some tall skinny girl, some were of her and Alli, but the ones that I was most shocked by were the ones of her father and her from when she was really young. Clearly she couldn't have hated him as much as she said she did if she still had pictures of him.

Once I heard Clare begin to stir, I went over and sat on her bed. Startled, she screamed, realized it was me, and her expression suddenly went from fear to anger.

"What are you doing here, Eli?"

"I came to see if you were okay." Lie.

"I'm fine, Eli. You can leave now." I debated leaving, but in the end, I didn't move.

"I said you can leave," and she lay back down on her bed, pretending to try and fall back asleep.

"Cut the act, Clare. You're not actually going to go to sleep. We both know that."

"Then why are you here?" she asked coldly. I could tell she didn't want to talk to me, but too bad. She wasn't going to get me to go away that easily.

"I want to know what about my paper upset you. You mean a lot to me and I hate that you're hurting from something I said," I said honestly. Her eyes shifted to the floor.

Silence. Not just any silence though. Awkward silence.

Maybe I expected too much in coming here. But then, a small voice interrupted my thoughts.

"You didn't say anything bad, Eli," she squeaked, her eyes still glued to the floor, but now they looked glassed over as if she were deep in thought. She squeezed them tight, and I realized that she was trying not to cry.

"If I really didn't say anything bad, then why won't you talk to me? Why are you trying not to cry? I wouldn't have written it if I had known it would upset you this much." I was really concerned about what was going through her mind. She may have been happier overall, but she wasn't anywhere near stable. I really thought it would make her happy to see how much I cared about her.

"I really don't want to talk about this, Eli. Either change the subject or leave. Please."

I knew I wasn't going to get this out of her unless I pushed, but after seeing her cry, I couldn't. She just looked so broken. Even more than the first day I laid eyes on her in the cemetery. Her eyes looked lost.

I got off the bed, kneeled in front of her, and tucked the curl that had fallen back over her face behind her ear. "If I leave, you have to promise me that if you need anything, you'll call me. Okay? I mean it. Even if it's two o'clock in the morning, I don't care."

Her breathing shuddered, and she clamped her eyes shut. Abruptly, she shook her head. "No, Eli. Please, just leave."

I snapped. "I don't understand why you're doing this! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

She started to cry harder than before, and immediately, I was overcome with guilt. She jumped out of the bed and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door shut.

Shit.

I walked over to bathroom, only to hear Clare sobbing on the other side. "Clare..." I pleaded, "please open the door? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just so angry with myself 'cause I don't know what I did."

No response. Just sobs.

"Clare... please?" Once I realized I had been defeated, I leaned against the wall next to the bathroom door, and slid down to the floor. I felt awful. I made the girl I'm in love with cry. Cookie points for me. Woah. I do not love Clare Edwards. It's clear that I don't even know her very well if I can't figure out why someone caring for her would upset her so much.

And that's when it hit me.

Other than her mother, Clare had never had anyone, let alone a guy, care about her. He destroyed her body. He destroyed her spirit. He destroyed her life. She was ridiculed by people whom she had thought were her friends. No wonder she was so torn about my paper. The only guy who had ever said that they cared for her had turned around and destroyed her. In her mind, how was I going to be any different? She must have never felt the tension that I always did when hanging out with her or else she would have acted this way earlier. My heart sank with the realization that she didn't feel the same way about me, but honestly, who could blame her. She'd been through so much that it wasn't surprising to know that all she wanted was a friend. We did care for each other, that much was clear, but it had never been spoken.

I could still hear Clare sobbing behind the door, but those sobs were becoming choppier which meant that she was calming down. Eventually, after what felt like hours, she opened the door and looked at me. Her eyes were red and puffy, her face was tear streaked, but she was still beautiful to me. I didn't have anything to say. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to, but I didn't know what I should say. I felt like a complete idiot for not realizing this sooner.

"I thought you had left," she whispered, her eyes fixated on the floor.

"I wanted to make sure you're alright. I'm sorry, Clare. I didn't realize how much my paper was going to affect you. Please call me if you need anything, but if you're not comfortable talking to me, please at least call Adam? You can even tell him about how much you hate me. Just please. You'll feel better. I promise." I got up off the floor, and turned toward the stairs to leave. She didn't want me there.

"Please don't leave," she spoke hesitantly, staring at the baseboard. Her eyes danced around, until they finally looked up at me. "Can we talk? About other things, I mean. I haven't talked to you in a few days."

"Sure. I'll start by telling you about how Carly kissed Freddie!" I smirked.

"...Excuse me?" she questioned, but I could see a small smile forming on her lips.

"...iCarly? Don't you watch that? Jeez Clare," I rolled my eyes as I laughed.

A huge smile broke out onto her face as she started laughing. Truly laughing. "Starting there is good." We walked back into her room and sat on her bed.

"But first, you're going to tell me when it is that you started watching iCarly, because I don't see you as the type to watch that," she stated, still smiling.

We ended up talking for hours, but I never did re-mention my essay. I could tell that something was on her mind, but I didn't want to push her. She was still hesitant at times to be around me, but I just acted the way I normally did before she read my paper.

They say to never fix something that wasn't broken, but Clare was broken. All I could think was that I wanted to fix her. I wanted to glue her back together. I wanted her to trust me. Maybe then we could actually be more than just friends. One day. Maybe. Hopefully.


So, what'd you think? I'm not quite done with this story, but it's getting there. Please review and let me know what you thought! Also, should I post my other story that I started? Let me know!

Also, the iCarly reference was from a conversation that I had while stuck in the airport. I've seen like maybe two episodes. =)