A/N: This opening part with breakfast is literally what went down on Christmas Eve for me. I hate my cousins, except for one, who is pretty much a gender-bent me in personality.
Chapter 8: The Christmas Special that should have been
It was Christmas Eve around ten in the morning when Zoe woke up. Everyone else was still asleep except Evelyn, who had eaten the remnants of Organization Cookie—there had been fourteen cookies, so they named each one after a Kingdom Hearts Organization XIII character, the original organization, not the new one. Xion cookie had been the first to go, followed soon by Lexaeus, Vexen, Larxene, Zexion and Marluxia. It was Tom who ate Mansex—wait no, she meant Xemnas—and it led to awkward laughter all around.
Evelyn was eating Roxas cookie by the fire, half asleep watching that Kevin Spacey movie when he turned into a cat.
She walked to Adrien and Marinette's trapdoor, beginning to sing the tune of Do you wanna build a snowman, from Frozen,
"Do you wanna go kill Hawk Moth?
C'mon let's go and slay!
I can't use magic anymore,
Get off the floor," because she knew he slept on the floor because he rolled off things, "It's like your head has rolled away.
We used to be all happy, but now we're not, I wish Fu would tell me why!
Do you wanna go kill Hawk Moth?
Or it could also be Mayura."
Adrien opened the trapdoor, "Merry Christmas Eve to you too." He was still a mother hen, but a week of her being relatively obedient—other than putting a pop-tart wrappers in the microwave Shane Dawson style for some entertainment, and because she needed ways to kill Gabriel—he was back to almost normal, but he still had a gun on his person at all times in case he needed to shoot an akuma to protect his new family. Tom and Sabine were very disturbed at first by them being locked and loaded all the time, but after Chameleon and the pepper spray, the realized it was actually smart and decided to just roll with it. If the school district just made Zoe and Adrien sign to only kill villains and otherwise didn't give a fuck, they could deal. Not that Zoe didn't still call him Steve (Stranger Things, 2) or Aqua (Kingdom Hearts, Birth by Sleep), the respective mother figures of their show or video game.
Adrien was wearing a cat onesie and Marinette was wearing a ladybug one as they walked downstairs and flopped on the couch, aimlessly watching the movie.
She had forgotten she was the only one with any form of energy, because they had gone to school and shit, and she had been lounging and reading fanfiction, and discovered the horrors of FireNoir (Fireheart X Cat Noir). Now that was the definition of smut. Smut was okay, even good sometimes, but when you don't see it coming, and when it's about you and your surrogate brother, is a whole different topic.
Zoe went to the kitchen and pulled out the ingredients and began cooking her paternal Uncle Nicolas LaMotte's eggnog French toast. LaMotte was her grandmother's maiden name, and her second son took it. Zoe liked that surname better, but honored the Carpenter name for her Dad. But this was a family recipe that she loved.
"Who wants eggnog French toast?" Adrien and Evelyn shot up and practically teleported to the counter and started battling and swearing colorfully over the syrup and French toast. Zoe herself just sat on another counter and took a thing of apple cider in a champagne glass while watching the world burn.
Marinette just stared at Zoe, then her boyfriend and the psychic battling like it was the fucking Hunger Games over the powdered sugar.
Tom and Sabine were standing awkwardly in the doorway as Evelyn and Adrien just about killed each other. And Zoe noted this was beginning to look like her former life; just a trampled slain barbie on the ground under the oven, food everywhere—except for that box of pop-tarts, that should be empty.
Zoe finished off the apple cider and just poured the syrup and powdered sugar, solving the problem before it got bloody. Adrien was a cinnamon roll, but being deprived of most food for fourteen years of his existence—not counting his time in the womb—made him a bit of a beast when Zoe cooked her delicious baked goods. Chloe was the same way, and nobody knew how to respond to that.
This was the true Christmas Special, the episode would start at Chloe's party, but this was the reality. Sibling homicide over food, the parents unsure of what to do, the girlfriend just laughing nervously but still amused, and Satan sipping champagne at her success. That was a Carpenter-LaMotte Christmas right there. Now it was a Dupain-Cheng-Agreste-Autumn-Carpenter Christmas. If a burglar or a bank robber came in and saw this, they would just be like "You know what, we're gonna go. Seems like a bad idea to fuck with that."
Tom sat down nervously, "Um…context please."
"My Grandma's French toast caused multiple family battles. My aunt developed Schizophrenia and currently lives in the woods, all because she tried to get the recipe and was deemed unworthy." True story, though that may not have been the cause for insanity. Zoe had loved her grandma, because she always referred to her mother as "woman" or "you" and Mother behaved around her, trying to have her real name used. It wasn't that Grandma forgot or had a memory problem, she just saw her daughters-in-law as the birthmothers of her grandchildren and nothing more, as nobody was good enough for her sons. Grandma didn't give a fuck. She died at eighty-nine because her stubbornness had kept her alive—and Zoe wasn't 100% sure her mother didn't murder the woman in rage. Though it might have been the forty-year expired cold medicine. Grandma was a hoarder.
Honestly, Zoe didn't even know her mother's name. Nobody had ever told her, and when she asked, she was told "You address me as Ma'am, so my birth name doesn't matter." When she had asked her Grandma about it, she was told that nobody gave a shit and she just a fertile sex toy, so it didn't matter. There was a reason people considered her a small clone of her Grandma, as she was supposed to look exactly like her as well. Zoe LaMotte, who knew. Dad had wanted to name her Millie because of it, but opted against it because he got banned to the couch for a month for even suggesting it.
Zoe then realized she was getting too deep into her backstory and went back to reality, "Yeah. Don't judge me. I almost defeated Hawk Moth with cheesecake." Really though, Gabriel had snuck into her room to eat her cheesecake once, and set off the falling halberd trap and almost got cut in half.
Speaking of Gabriel, she wondered if he had received her Christmas card. She pulled out her phone as the others calmly ate food. It had been a card that was all lovey-dovey on the front and could have been from Adrien, then on the inside it had a pop-up middle finger with the song Fuck You playing from the speaker, and the words "I lived, bitch" printed under the finger. There were also a ton of Ladrien pics in the pocket.
Z: Did you get my card?
G: I hate you. Yes, I got it, you had me fooled with a card from my son. You better have not corrupted him, or told him.
Zoe took a picture of Adrien stuffing his face with French toast,
Z: Told him? No. Corrupted him? If by pointing out what an abusive cunt you are, and feeding him food, is corrupting him, then I'm not done.
G: I will kill you.
Z: Sure sure, and I'm a unicorn. You didn't even succeed with Volpina dropping me off the Eiffel Tower. Your akumas have been defeated with pepper spray, a water jug, and an axe. I suffer from Main Character Syndrome, which means I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me.
G: *middle finger emoji*
Z: Hate you too. Time to go get your son laid. Bye.
She looked up, and chuckled at how she could sense Gabriel swearing colorfully on the other side of the line and hiring a hitman or trying to send an akuma to kill her, which would never get past the Home Alone style defense system downstairs. She wanted to keep Adrien a virgin until his wedding—or thirty, whichever came first—but Gabe didn't have to know that.
"Who were you texting?" Sabine asked.
"Gabe. He wants to kill me for teaching his son how to be a human being. You see Adrien, you breathe in and out and in and out, and you eat food by chewing, opening and closing your mouth, then swallowing."
Adrien rolled his eyes and swallowed a giant bite, "She and I literally had that conversation, and Natalie was worried about my mental health, but for the wrong reasons. Not that I'm severely neglected and have an akuma murderess as my sister, but she thought I was ready to kill myself. If I were going to, I'd go outside during an akuma not transformed and say, 'hey Hawk Moth, fuck you!'. Or spill something, because my father would literally skin me for staining a designer shirt by spilling."
Marinette sighed, "You need help, you're damaged. Anyway, back to Christmas stuff, what are you planning to wear to Chloe's party, Zo?"
"Can I raid your designs? Gabriel's shit is itchy, and yours is both beautiful and comfy."
Marinette groaned, "Are you just going to model for me?"
"Forever and always." Adrien and Evelyn raised their forks in agreements.
"Let's finish breakfast before you pick out a dress, then we do some last-minute Christmas shopping, and then get ready." Evelyn grinned.
Adrien smiled a bit, "And I will sit back and watch movies because I did all the shopping, and still need to do the napping and the wrapping."
Sabine had left sometime during this conversation, and was now dressed, "Okay, let's go."
OoOoO
While the girls were gone, Adrien and Tom were wrapping gifts, because they had all forgotten to do it and pretended they hadn't.
Tom was wrapping a waffle iron and an old microwave, and then an old deep fryer.
"Who is that for?"
"Who do you think?"
Zoe. She was going to be making something evil with those. Adrien wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised if that aforementioned barbie was going in that deep fryer, made to look like McDonalds chicken nuggets—but that might be what McDonalds was, just deep-fried garbage—and fed it to Gabriel. She would kill him before he could strike again. Or she'd blow up the mansion.
He laughed, "One month later…" in a feminine voice, "Nadja Chamack here, don't be bemused, it's just the news. The Agreste mansion has exploded because Zoe Agreste put a gun in the microwave and killed everybody. There are no survivors. Paris has detonated."
Tom looked at the wrapped microwave in fear, "This may have been a mistake. Too late for humanity now."
"Goodbye Hawk Moth."
They laughed together at how screwed everyone was.
OoOoO
The party was beautiful, and like a Christmas version of the Despair Bear ball. It had been three hours of the women getting ready, and Adrien was just wearing a Darth Vader ugly sweater, because no fucks.
Marinette was wearing a white and red silk velvet, her hair in a braided ponytail, and was holding Adrien's arm. Couple strangeness goals.
Evelyn had a deep green sleeveless mini-dress and white leggings, because she liked dancing. Her hair had been brushed, and nothing more, it was too short because you can't do much with a bob.
And Zoe was the fucking Snow Queen—not Elsa. The dress was white lace for the most part and the same silver crystal headband she wore on her birthday; there were also similar gems as the headband on the dress, and it shone, but not in a weird way. Nobody knew she was wearing sneakers in the event she wanted to walk home, the dress was long enough that she could get away with her, and people could be distracted by the white extensions in her hair.
To Zoe's shock, Eli was there, drinking hot cocoa awkwardly in the corner, and was wearing an ugly kitten sweater and jeans. He, like Adrien, gave zero fucks. If Zoe hadn't accidentally promised to model forever for Marinette, she'd be with them.
"Eli!"
Eli looked up, "Hey Ice Princess, I have no idea why the fuck I'm here, I think Adrien invited me by stealing your phone. I'm awkward and confused, but this is an excuse to escape my uncle, help."
Zoe put a hand on his shoulder tauntingly, "Aw. If the knight scared of the people?"
"Says the chick who I know is an introvert and bolted from a party the second I offered." He looked around, "Speaking of which, I give it an hour before I book it, wanna join?"
"Fuck yes." She laughed, "I feel like this is our thing, this is our ritual, every party we go to, leave not even halfway through."
Music started playing, slow dance music. Eli shrugged and held out a hand,
"Wanna dance?" Zoe smirked and took his hand as he led her on the ballroom floor as they began to dance. Where are you Christmas by Faith Hill was playing. Adrien and Marinette danced by them and Adrien mimicked Alya the last time there was a dance they were all at and placed Zoe's hands on Eli's shoulders and his hand on her waist, then spinning back to Marinette. Zoe and Eli stared at each other, earning a shrug from both of them as they continued dancing.
They were so caught up with the song and the dancing, and the fact they were quite close to each other, and they didn't notice anything else until they heard laughing, and looked up to see the other Miraculous six holding a ton of mistletoe on strings above them. Together, Eli and Zoe flipped them off.
"There are six of us!" Evelyn said, pretending to be the mistletoe, "You cannot escape the rules!"
Eli took one look at them, took Zoe's hand, and stepped to the side. He looked smug, only to find Ivan towering over him, with more mistletoe.
"What the fuck conspiracy is this?!" Zoe shrieked, "Fuck this shit, we're out."
"You do not escape until you followed the rules!" Adrien.
Zoe and Eli sighed, and leaned in for a kiss, but Eli chickened out at the last second and it turned into a hug, even Zoe was bitterly disappointed.
"Wuss. If you're going to do something, do it right." She was being purely sarcastic, and everyone knew it, but the mistletoe was getting closer.
"Fine!" He pecked her on the lips, fast enough it could be taken as a friendly peck. Everyone groaned, but they couldn't do anything.
The music started again, and it was another slow dance. Zoe threw her hands up,
"Alright assholes! What the fuckity fuck is going on?!"
Everyone looked scared for a moment, and backed off. Adrien was eating a cinnamon roll on the second floor, letting this unfold, but not brave enough to reveal what was going on.
"Fuck all of you." She groaned and grabbed Eli's arm, and they hid on the roof.
"What was that about?" Eli wondered aloud.
"Who fucking knows. I'll bet they made a club to interfere with my love life and see us as a thing."
If there was one thing she enjoyed, it was watching him squirm and blush.
"I—what—um—huh…"
"Don't even say anything. I made the mistake of saying you're 'just a friend', and those are the three dreaded words that when Adrien says it, means he's subconsciously pining for someone. Therefore they probably took it the wrong way. Even though you really are a friend and only that." Why did she feel like she was lying to herself and it hurt? She didn't know.
Eli sighed in relief, "Thank god." He looked down at the ground many floors down, "Wanna ditch?"
"Yeah. I'm healed enough." It was true, the gash on her cheek had scarred nicely and her stitches had come out of her side, the skin and flesh were just tender. Eli still wasn't convinced and swept her off her feet, and jumped unto the awning of the hotel and landed dramatically. Thank you being in a TV show, or that could have ended badly.
"Okay, step one is complete. Now what?"
Zoe shrugged as he put her down, "Pig out at the bakery?"
"Hell yeah."
And so, they did. Zoe changed into an ugly stormtrooper sweater and black sweat pants.
She started stirring the batter for gingerbread cookies, "Wanna join me?"
Eli nodded, and they baked together, but it turned out he did not know how to bake, and when the gingerbread men came out, most were disemboweled and murdered.
Zoe grinned and made them look like people, with panicked eyes and red frosting as blood, all over the place.
"It's crime scene cookies. My favorite."
They ate the crime scene cookies and cuddled—totally platonically—while watching Spaceballs, because that was a Christmas tradition Eli wished he had and Zoe had.
…
Adrien, Eden and Marinette found them fast asleep on the couch with Robin Hood: Men in Tights playing in the background, and they smirked, throwing a blanket over them. Adrien brushed Zoe's long hair our of the couch cushion, causing her to make cute noises and snuggle against Eli.
The party had been amazing and fun, but the Eloe plan failed and that was boring, but Eden did find herself dancing with Luka for a moment, before forcing him upon Kagami. At least Lukagami could happen, not that it was anything other than awkward. Fail.
Tom and Sabine shushed them and gestured for them to go upstairs.
"Good night. We called Eli's uncle, and he said, begrudgingly, that it was fine if he stays for breakfast tomorrow, something about wanting him to get close to Zoe. He joined the Eloe club, but I feel like it might be for different reasons."
Marinette and Adrien kissed each other good night, and went upstairs.
Eden flopped over on the bed and Roari emerged,
"When are you gonna tell her?"
Eden shrugged as she got up and put PJs on, "Season Finale maybe. I don't know. But she might be mad if I wait too long." She shrugged, "I'll think about it later. Night Roari."
"Night."
OoOoO
Zoe woke up and found herself cuddled up against Eli. Why was he here at 8am? Not that she was complaining. But it was Christmas so…
"Hey! Get up! We need to go to the bagel shop!"
"Wha…what time is it?" He blinked sleepily.
"8am. Rise and Shine, motherfucker!"
"Foamy the Squirrel? Really?" He laughed, "Me." Sitting up, he noted the tree full of presents, "I stayed the night. Fuck. My uncle's gonna kill me!"
Marinette came in "My parents called your uncle. He'll pick you up around eleven."
Adrien came down in fuzzy cat slippers after a moment, "Meow. Morning."
"Nobody gives any fucks about the fact it's Christmas?" Evelyn asked incredulously.
"Unless I get news that Hawk Moth inhaled an akuma and choked and died, not really." Eli gaped at her, before bursting into laughter.
"Good morning kids." Tom cheered, "Movies or gifts?"
Everyone looked between each other, and the gifts, "Movies." They all felt awkward having Eli here and opening gifts. And so, they watched—roasted—that Tim Allen movie when he turned into Santa Claus, because reasons, and they all pointed out what would happen if Zoe murdered the old man; she'd inflict the curse upon Gabriel, that was what. Cursed to be a decent being forever.
There was a knock on the door and a tall imposing man stood there, looking at all of them like he was debating if he should even be here. Eli smiled bitterly at the man,
"Guys, this is my uncle…Douglas."
"Now is not the time for being polite. Time to go." He grabbed Eli's hand and dragged him down the street,
"Bye Princess! I had fun!" Zoe frowned and pulled out a pistol from her hip that she had had on her the entire time, only for Adrien to shake his head.
"Eli will be fine, no killing his guardian. I know you're crazy, and we'll check on him as superheroes later, but maybe Douglas is just anti-social."
"I suppose you could be right." Sabine muttered, perking up, "Presents?"
They all ran upstairs and sat on the couch as Zoe passed out gifts in various piles per person, but she couldn't reach the ones on the shelf next to the tree.
"You can't give presents if you can't reach them, Satan." Adrien said jokingly. Zoe narrowed her eyes at him and glared. His eyes widened at the reaction, and soon he found himself pinned to the couch as the small, vicious brunette tackled him with speed and force of a ferocious dragon.
"Help!" He squirmed in her grip, though a few giggles that escaped him disproved the need for rescue.
"You know you're my friend," Evelyn replied, "But I'm scared of Zoe."
"Fair enough," Adrien laughed, "I beg for mercy, you're killing me." He grabbed the gift from the shelf and offered the package to her. "You can go first, Zo." He ducked his head and sent his surrogate sister a playful gaze.
She smirked at him and looked at the label, "This one's for you, prick, so you might as well open it now."
"Ah, if he got yours, I want to give mine too!" Marinette rummaged through the stack of packages to retrieve a box wrapped in green paper. "Here you go! Merry Christmas, kitty!"
"Me too!" Evelyn piped in, passing Adrien the third present. Tom and Sabine passed around hot cocoa.
The teens waited patiently as Adrien carefully unwrapped his gifts. He went with Marinette's first, squealing like a fangirl when he pulled out the black beanie with black cat ears sewn to the top. Adrien put it on and wrapped himself with the soft fabric, grinning in delight.
"Thank you!" He exclaimed and pulled his girlfriend into a hug. "I love it!"
Marinette beamed at his reaction as he put it on, and it was clear she was elated. Adrien finally released her and move to Zoe's gift. It was the drawing of their dream family, adding in the Dupain-Chengs and Evelyn, with Alya, Nino and Chloe. It was framed with old oak wood frame.
Adrien beamed, "It's an update on the real family." He showed off the picture, "This is going by my bed back at the mansion." In a flash, he was at Zoe's side and hugging her fiercely. "It's amazing!"
"Now open the one from me!" Evelyn held out the gift.
Adrien didn't need more cheer. He unwrapped the box and blinked. Then blinked again raising it to his eyes. "How did you…? Are you a witch as well as a psychic?"
"I called in a favor from Wayhem, your creepy stalker at the time, who I think is gay for you. One perk of being a psychic, is that I stole his e-mail from you and got a pic. Ladybug wasn't hard to get, because duh."
"What is it?" Marinette and Zoe tried to peek at the item.
Adrien turned it so that they all could see the framed photo of him being held by Ladybug when rescued after jumping off a building. Everyone awed in unison.
"There's an autograph too!" Sure enough, next to the photo, there was a signature, a little doodle of a yoyo and a stray heart.
Zoe pulled out her phone and snapped a picture, texting it to Gabriel,
Z: Don't you love the gift Adrien got?
G: Did you get him that?
Z: Oddly enough, no. I made him a family picture excluding you.
G: You already know what I'm going to say, so why bother saying it.
Z: Merry Christmas ya filthy animal.
Now it was Adrien's turn to hand out gifts.
Evelyn got a cookbook, because she hated baking but loved cooking and made a mean lasagna that was suspiciously like Zoe's grandma's. Marinette got a red, handmade scarf with black details.
"Adrien…"
"I'm bad at knitting, but I tried." Adrien blushed, and Marinette put it on, kissing him,
"I love it, Kitty."
Zoe got a blowtorch, and everyone worried. She sent a picture to Gabriel of her gift, and he gave a panicked emoji at her "You'll be first," comment.
They finished passing out gifts, and Zoe's response to her kitchen equipment was priceless.
"Oh my god! I always wanted this stuff!" She began singing, "Tis the season to blow shit up, fa la la la la, Gabe'll have to find a new house."
"No putting a gun in the microwave." Tom lectured, "I don't want to get that phone call."
They all laughed, then Adrien held the box he got from Gabriel, which was way too fancy. Zoe got a gift card for a therapist, that she immediately threw away, then dug out for Adrien in the near future.
Zoe glared at the box as she realized Gabriel didn't know the contents of that box. Sure, he had asked Nathalie to buy the gifts from a list he provided of popular shit—there was a chance it was another Kingdom Hearts 3, not that either would complain—but he had no idea what Natalie had decided to go with.
Adrien took a breath, expecting something lame he didn't want and would donate, but he found the entirety of the Kingdom Hearts manga. He flipped through the pages,
"It's something I actually like…" He awed, but he clearly saw his father wa a dick, because he knew Natalie knew he had wanted these. Natalie was the one getting a thank you.
"Merry Christmas kids." Tom said, and they all hugged him while the kwamis feasted on food on the counter,
"Merry Christmas."
A/N: Merry Christmas guys.
Also, I will be doing Weredad, but it won't happen the same way it says in the synopsis, because Adrien and Marinette are dating and will stay that way.
See you soon, probably next year!
