So much pain

Unreasonable pain..

She could feel the eyeliner drying on her cheeks, She wasn't crying anymore. Her cigarettes were scattered all over the floor around her. The result of her trembling hands trying to take a cigarette out of the pack. Sitting on the floor, she chose one of the cigarettes that were close to her bare feet. She lit it and took a drag, recalling scenes from teen-drama movies where the protagonist was sitting heartbroken on the floor, abandoned by her hopes and dreams.

Heartbreak

'Why?' she questioned sulking. It was not normal to feel heartbroken, since there where no feelings in the first place. 'Why, though?' She didn't do anything wrong, did she?

"Our manager never knows where i am," said Kai to Juusan. He was moving energetically through the halls, arranging things with the staff. Juusan was following, pacing fast right next to him, discussing the alternatives on looks and make up they would use during the live. Even though that was a matter that needed to be discussed with Ruki, Kai was the first that had to hear about her ideas. She had asked permission from Kanon to take some days off, after presenting her new ideas to the band and signing the new contract with them. Everyone was happy and Kanon gladly gave her the week off. Miku had also informed her that Sahana was feeling better and she would be able to handle everything for a week.

"Only five days left," Kai said flattly to her. He had a scowl on his face the whole day while Juusan was beaming with excitement getting to see the settings from up close and personal. One of the stuff members was adjusting the cymbal stands while Kai was trying out the bass drum pedal and the rack mounted Toms, hitting his drumsticks rythmically on them. "Kai-san is surprisingly often scowling," Juusan said as soon as the staff member walked away. Kai did a drumstick trick and then turned to look at her smiling slightly. On the huge stage every single light effect was on and somewhere in the front seats, she could hear Ruki's voice. He was speaking with the head of the lightning effects.

"I was told before, that from a fan's viewpoint, they see my smiling face quite a lot. Well, they have the image of a "smile", if you know what i mean," Kai said to Juusan getting up. "But adversely from the people behind the scenes, like you now, I'm told i have an image of a scowl." He chuckled making Juusan look away embarassed. Kai saw Aoi speaking with Ruki. White lights blinded them but he saw Juusan looking towards Aoi too. They were both on the stage, Aoi easily spotted them. The lights from white turned into a green color, like laser beams, giving a futuristic look on the whole stage. Aoi could see Kai and he could see Juusan.

He hadn't seen her since he drove her home, even though he was thinking of dropping by to say hi sometime. 'Such childish thoughts Shiroyama, you ass! This girl have kept you from practicing.'

"Why am i under the impression that Kai is flirting with poor Juusan?" Ruki asked pointing on the stage. Aoi followed the imaginary line that his singer's finger created and indeed, Kai seemed like he was seducing Juusan. No, he was actually touching her, he was close to her. Why all of sudden he felt possessive over her? He could see Juusan slowly backing off but she was grinning like a silly girl. Ruki had turned back talking with the head of the lighting effects. He had to do something because somehow, what he was seeing was annoying him extremely bad.

"So, do you like me smiling or scowling?" Kai asked flirtariously pinching one of her cheeks. Juusan was giggling, backing slowly off. She knew that Kai was lovely but in a creepy way. She could tell that he was doing all that in a playful manner so, she couldn't help but laugh. She was focused on him now, Kai managed to get her attention. Juusan tripped on some wires, losing her composure for a bit but she didn't break eye contact with Kai and neither did he, who was now laughing rather loudly. His dimple was more visible than ever. "Kai-san, stop!" Juusan giggled. "I can't Juusan-chan is funny!" Kai chuckled as he kept on covering the space she was creating by backing off. Juusan clenched in one hand the face charts she would present to Ruki and with the other she tried to push Kai away. He kept on moving forward though. "Your hand is cold," Kai winced as he shivered with the cold contact of her hand. Juusan giggled some more. "Kai-san, i'm sorry, please stop moving and i will take my hand away!" How many steps back had she made? The drumset was now further away from where they were. In what part of the stage were they?

"Oi!" They both heard an agitated Aoi yell.

Juusan literally lost the ground under her feet. She and Kai had reached the end of the stage without noticing and she tripped on one of the front ground speakers. Kai tried to grab her hand, terrified yelling her name. He didn't manage to, though. Juusan screamed as she fell, ready to experience the psysical pain of landing on her back. Yet, she never touched the ground. She had her eyes tightly closed. She could hear the sound of her face charts flying around her. Her face was pressed on something warm, like a fabric. It was definitely not the floor. It smelled nice and Juusan breathed in the sweet perfume. "Are you ok?" Aoi asked her concerned. "Oi, is she ok?" she heard Kai asking. "Back off, you almost killed her!" Aoi growled. She was in Aoi's arms, motionless.

Aoi was watching the whole scene approaching slowly closer to the stage, while she was backing off. As he watched her reaching to the end of the stage he yelled in order to alarm her but he was too late. Yet, he managed to catch her when she fell. Not that the stage was really high, but she could possibly get hurt from the fall. After all, she could break really easily. He held her tightly in his arms, scared. Was she alright? Kai was now next to Aoi. When Ruki heard her screaming, he ran towards the stage too. The three of them looking at her concerned. Juusan slowly opened her eyes, half way. "Am i in heaven?" she murmured still sniffing the warm fabric. Aoi realised what she was doing and in the corner of his lips a small smile formed, his concern slowly fading out. She was so sweet. Kai and Ruki chuckled and both snapped their fingers in front of her eyes to wake her brain up. She snapped her eyes wide open and looked Kai, Ruki and Aoi looking at her with an amused expression. "And yes, she is perfect!" Kai said, his voice still shaking. He was rather upset since it was his games that almost hurt her. She placed her hand on her face trying to cover the redness of her cheeks. "Can you please put me down, Aoi-san?" she murmured shyly, wiggling her body. Aoi didn't reply. He didn't feel like letting her down. She was warm and precious and shaking, mabe from the shock?

'What are you even thinking about?'

"Kai pick up the papers and discuss with Ruki which look you prefer. You better be done with it as soon as i return from the dressing room." Aoi demanded death glaring Kai. Juusan wraped carefully her arms around Aoi's neck. She didn't have anywhere else to hold on to and since Aoi didn't seem like letting her down, well, she could not complain. Kai waved at Juusan who was looking at everyone speechless. The incident had caused many of the people being on the huge dome to look at the party. Kai was still worried but at least Aoi would take care of her. That was a little something. "I will see you in a little Juusan-chan. I'm sorry!" Kai spoke, his hand still on the air as if he was trying to reach her. "No you won't. We have work to do!" Aoi said before Juusan could even open her mouth. No one spoke. "Let's get back to work." She heard Ruki murmur with Kai. It seemed like they weren't so willing to work after this incident.

"Are you hurt?" Aoi asked as he was now on the halls that she and Kai were roaming searching for the staff members. His pace was fast. It wasn't because she was heavy and wanted to put her down immdiately. She was light as a feather. He just had to let her off his arms because he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. She was still breathing in his perfume. He rolled his eyes even though he was enjoying it. No one could resist him. "You can put me down now if you want to," was her reply. And so he did. He put her gently down, opening the door that was in front of them. "Your bag and other stuff is in here too. Wait for us till we're done." Aoi said entering the room to take his pack of cigarettes from the table. "Thank you for catching me," "No problem," Aoi hurried to reply. She sat on the couch and started searching her bag for her own cigarettes. She really felt uneasy being with Aoi alone again. Aoi offered to lit her cigarette. He didn't sit on the couch though, he simply stood there examining her. She couldn't understnd what he was thinking, she just patiently waited for any word to come out of his mouth. He placed his hand on her head, like that day in the parking lot. Her heart was beating faster. She wanted to actually kiss his hand. 'Fuck, what am i even thinking?' She lifted her head looking at him. God, how much she begged inside her head for him to make a move on her. But still, having him before her just looking at her with those eyes, was simply enough for her. She could almost feel the warmh of the feelings he was causing all this time, growing inside her.

Aoi tapped his fingers on her hand like he was thinking of what to do with her. She was looking at him like a submissive puppy. He was supposed to scold her for causing trouble but he really felt the need to kiss those lips of hers that had the taste of nicotine on them. The same taste as his. Aoi saw her expression changing multiple times. He saw her blushing, then taking the look of a submissive puppy again, then wandering with her eyes around the room like his stare was making her feel uncomfortable. If she wanted to, she could shake off his hand from her head yet, she let him tap his fingers on it. He lowered his hand brushing her cheek. His thumb landed on her bottom lip and its weight caused Juusan's pale lips to open slightly. His eyes had become foggy. Aoi brushed his thumb along her bottom lip fully concentrated on it.

"A- Aoi-san..." Juusan breathed. His touch brought shivers down her spine. He was ready to kiss her, wasn't he?

Aoi looked inside her eyes, his thumb was resting on her lips. Her blue eyes concealed emotions that were nowhere near those he witnessed everytime he had to deal with a fan. She was different wasn't she? He certainly felt a minor attraction towards her those last days. She had caught his attention from the first time, after all. Maybe it was their blood's compatibility fault. (*In the Japanese culture blood types are treated as important and so is blood compatibility. Aoi's blood type is A and so is Juusan's) Why was she looking at him with this kind of expression though? Juusan seemed like she had surrendered by his simple move of stroking her soft pale lips. Why did she react in this way? She looked really relaxed around Kai earlier.

You know, Juusan is really fond of you...

Kai's voice that emerged from the back of his foggy mind, like a slap, brought him to his senses again. What kind of crap was he even thinking? He pulled his hand back. A relationship with this girl by any case would be a bad idea since his career would be at stake. Work always came first, thus he would not change his priorities. He could see the look of confusion taking over Juusan's facial expressions. "Please stay here until we need you. Apparently your presence distracts Kai-san and the rest. We have work to do," he said firmly, not looking at her anymore. He left the dressing room without saying another word.

Poor Juusan just stood there. Confused and disappointed that Aoi did not act as she expected him to. She was really causing problems at the set. He was right. She had to stay there. She laid on the couch, ignoring the lit cigarette that was on the floor. It slipped from her fingers while Aoi was staring at her. She lit a new one and taking deep puffs, she tried to drown the squeals of excitement that were emerging from her insides. Giggling she touched her lips.

'I hope you like me Shiroyama Senpai...'

"Aoi was really harsh with us!" Uruha whined sitting in front of the mirror. Everyone was back in the dressing room apart from Aoi. Uruha told Juusan that Aoi banned them from coming to see her until they were finished with the instrument settings. "Yes, he even tried to tackle me, when he noticed i was moving towards the door!" Reita said nodding with what Uruha had just said.

"I believe the leader over here has the most painful experience with Aoi," Ruki said looking at Kai, who since they got in the room he sat next to Juusan and rested his head on her lap. She was stroking his hair calmly, while Ruki was explaining to her that Aoi scolded Kai for behaving with such immature way and for putting her in danger.

Kai was occasionally groaning displeased when Juusan was stopping the petting of his head as a result of focusing on what Ruki was saying. Her hand's movements were soothing and he didn't want her to stop. As soon as he walked in the room, he wanted to apologise to her. He didn't though because she told him it was alright. She told him that with the cheerful expression she had on her face and her beaming eyes as soon as she welcomed them inside the dressing room, that she had cleaned, while waiting for them.

He was wondering if something happened between Aoi and Juu while they were alone but to his great disappointment, nothing happened. Or at least nothing good happened because Aoi was much more agitated than usual after returning from the dressing room. All of them got scolded, except for Ruki of course, who was taking his time looking at the face charts. The rant was about paying attention to their job only and that they had to focus in this one live. It was their current goal to do their best. The scolding didn't end there, though. Aoi dragged Kai in a corner far away from the others and started complaining about not acting like a leader of this band. Kai was listening to him, yes but, he could notice that his cheeks were flushed. He spoke about Juusan being a flirt and a walking disaster. Kai wondered why he spoke with such bad words against her. Unless...

"Aren't you the one being distracted by her, Aoi-kun?" Kai calmly asked as he watched Aoi's expression change. He never got a reply. Aoi turned his back and walked away from him. "Touche," Kai murmured smirking.

Aoi returned in his apartment as soon as he left from the dome. Trying to keep everyone away from Juusan had gotten him really drained. Or was it him that he tried mostly to control? He sighed as he threw his coat on one of the couches. He placed his guitar gently in one corner of the room and went inside the kitchen to fetch the sake bottle. He was determined to relax himself by drinking and composing some songs.

He got himself comfortable and poured a generous amount of sake in his glass. He grabbed his acoustic guitar that was next to him after he took a little sip. His hand stroke the guitar chords gendly. He played a random soft tune trying to find of something that would inspire him. His mind was wandering. He was thinking of her again. Without realising he kept on playing the same tune for what it seemed like half an hour.

'This is no good,' he thought as he left his guitar beside him. He emptied his glass with one single shot and he procceeded to the bottle. Kai was probably right, he was the one getting distructed by Juusan and that's why he was mad about it. He lay back and closed his eyes. Why did she have to be fond of him? Some days ago he was thinking that she was a typical fan but some hours ago, the idea of this not being entirely true had been stuck in his head. Maybe he should give it a chance considering that he wouldn't find again a fan that had actual feelings.

No

He was a musician. He could have anyone he wanted to. But he shouldn't bother with petty things. His band was close in being pro. Any factors that didn't have to do with their success was not needed. He wouldn't throw himself in the lions of a relationship.

He felt so lonely though...

He looked at the empty bottle of sake on the coffee table. He needed a drinking buddy. He got up from the couch and left his apartment without taking his jacket. The cool breeze made his long hair move in the same motion of the invisible air waves as he stood still in front of his building. He lit a cigarette and raised his head tying to spot Juusan's window. Fifth floor wasn't it? The lights were on meaning she was home. It was past eight o'clock after all. She should be home.

Maybe she was alone.

Maybe she needed company too.

'Why do i care if she needs company or not?' Aoi wondered. He didn't like his soft side. 'I have to fight back these emotions.' He threw away his unfinished cigarette. His motorbike keys jingled inside his baggy jeans pocket.

"Hostess club here i come," he hummed.

"Fifteen minutes everyone!" The stage manager shouted. Juusan wished everyone good luck as she gave a last glance to what she had created on those five beautiful faces. Everyone at the backstage were running like crazy. She hid her staff ID beneath her one piece dress and started running through a hall that was leading to the audience seats. The ruffles of her dress going up and down making her thighs be more visible than usual. She did not mind though, because she was alone in the hall. Her appearance that night made her feel really confident.

"Juusan is dressed so cute today," she remembered Kai saying when he saw her. Everyone had agreed. Only Aoi was not talking and was distant. He never talked to her while she was doing his make up and his eyes never met hers. She didn't mind it though. To be honest no one of the guys were speaking much. Uruha was doing sit ups, Reita was helping him and Kai was discussing with Ruki the order of the setlist.

She did her best with their make up. Her hand only trembled once while drawing the black lines on Ruki's neck. She was able to see his beauty mark. 'So lucky!' Reita on the other hand had demanded to apply the make up base on his own since he didn't want Juusan to see his nose. "I don't plan on showing my nose to anyone," Reita said with his back turned on everyone. "At least you are lucky that i've stopped covering most of my face." "Sure, thank you for not dressing like a mummy anymore," Ruki said ironically. Everyone laughed.

'So that's what is like to be a member of something. I couldn't be any happier.' Juusan smiled to herself as she put her bag aside.

She made it to the front row. The crowd was so loud. She could tell from all the screaming that a high percentage of the crowd was girls. The music started playing. The stage was dark as Hakuri was playing faintly. Juusan breathed in as she closed her eyes. It was like she was trying to capture the aroma of the excitement emitting from every person's aura around her. She was there, finally. After all those years, she would be able to enjoy a live perfomance of The Gazette. The cheers became louder as one by one the members were coming out of the backstage provoking the crowd to cheer louder. Juusan became one with the crowd. She let out the loudest screams which were held inside her for so long. She was going to have one hell of a time..

"I want to, thank you all for joining us here tonight. This is the best gift you can ever give us. You were really loud tonight!" Ruki spoke from the microphone taking deep breaths inbetween of his sentences. "We've got one last song for you tonight!" Ruki said grinning towards the has been waiting for this song the whole time. It was a part of every encore.

"Are you ready?" Ruki screamed.

"Yes!" Everyone yelled as they raised their hands in the air.

"Are you ready?" Ruki screamed again raising his fist in the air provoking the crowd.

"Yes!" Juusan yelled among the other girls who were in the front row.

"This song is called... LINDA!"

Juusan ran back to the dressing room. After the perfomance was over, she went to the stand that was selling merchandise goods from the band. She bought a t-shirt and a poster. She was heading back to the room not only to fetch her make up bag but to humbly ask from the guys to sign her new poster. Outside the hall was full of flower bouquets and alcohol boxes all coming from the fans. She stopped running and her pace became gradually slower. The idea of talking to Aoi crossed her mind. 'Alright, maybe not talking to him but at least approach him, somehow. I can feel it that he likes me a little bit.' She thought confidentaly as she recalled the day she thought he was going to kiss her.

The guys returned back to their dressing room. The crowd was still cheering for them. They high fived each other discussing vividly. "Ha ha ha, ain't it easy being a pro?" Uruha stated wiping his face with a cloth. Each one of them found a place to sit and rest for a while. Ruki lit a cigarette and threw the lighter to Aoi who lit one himself as well. This last days were rather strange for Aoi. He kept on going in hostess clubs. For him alcohol and the company of unknown women in those clubs had become a release. He didn't think of Juusan even once when he was with those women whom work was only to provide entertainment with no emotional attachment whatsoever. And he was going to keep on doing that. The manager walked in stating that there were two girls outside. They were the ones who had won the backstage pass.

"Ah, i saw them earlier, they are not fine and dandy at all," Uruha said rolling his eyes. "What are you even mummbling about?" Aoi asked him as he exhaled the smoke. "Bring them to me," he said smirking slightly. The four men looked at Aoi strangely trying to recall any previous behavour like that. The manager opened the door to the girls who walked inside squealing like crazy and left the boys alone with them.

"Good God," Reita whispered and immediately re-placed himself behind Uruha, who also had gotten irritated. The girls ignored everyone and ran straight to Aoi. He was smirking more than ever. Girls prefered men who were guitarists. He opened his arms motioning for the two girls to sit next to him. The girls were more than willing to do so. They sat next to him, one under each arm. They rested their head on his shouldiers.

That was it...no Juusan. Just him and some ladies willing to do anything. No submissive puppy dog eyes, only those two pair of eyes full of impure feelings. "You shouldn't be doing that right now, Aoi-san." he heard Kai whispering behind him. "Let me have fun." He said bluntly without turning to look at him. Not that it was easy to move, those girls' grip was rather tight. Suffocating...

"The live was awesome you guys! Congratulations!" Juusan shouted cheerfully as she jumped inside the room. She was grinning until she saw everyone looking at her. Ruki,Uruha and Reita were surprised. Kai got upset because he knew something like this would happen. Aoi was staring at her with no expression on his face. It was like he didn't recognise her. The girls under his arms gave her a mere glance and returned to their main occupation that was Aoi. Her wide cheerful grin turned into a sad smile. The eyes that were looking back at her was not Aoi's. She had to act normal.

'It hurts...'

"Oops, i'm sorry i didn't know you were busy." She fake laughed awkwardly.

'It hurts...'

"I came to get my bag," she said looking anxiously around her searching for it.

'Don't cry.'

She spotted it rather quickly and she let go of her merchandise to go get it. She murmured a goodbye and a 'have fun' as she closed the door behind her quietly.

And it was then that the 3 guys understood her feelings. Uruha, Reita and Ruki turned simultaneously to look Aoi, who was still staring at the door from which a cheerful cute girl entered, only to leave with such sadness in her eyes.

Was what he did wrong?

Kai placed his hands on Aoi's shoulders and clenched them tight enough to show him that he was displeased from what had just happened. "Was that fun enough for you?" he asked. Aoi shrugged Kai's hands off him. A scowl was formed on his face. He looked at the three guys looking at him like they were looking at an unfamiliar person. They acted like he was the bad guy.

Wasn't he, though?

"Leave" he demanded from the girls that once he spoke they looked each other confused. Since they didn't seem to move,he let out a loud displeased sigh and got up from the couch. He could sense everyone's eyes on him. He left without saying a word.

He was the bad guy after all.

"There were no feelings in the first place,you stupid fangirl." She took some deep breaths to calm herself down. "That's it!" she said getting up from the floor. She put the cigarette in her mouth to try and clean the blackliner marks on her cheeks.

'You will not get sad again over a guy! You saw the way he was looking at you. Time you do the same!'

She refused staying insidein the safety of her apartment. She was too upset to sit inside. She recalled that a bar was close to her building.

'Why the hell not?' she thought after managing to clean her face. She took he cigarette out of her mouth. She picked up all the scattered cigarettes groaning while doing so. She grabbed her bag and left her apartment after putting out the cigarette she had lit.

"Wine! Please!" Juusan said to the bartender. It was her third glass. It was certainly enough to make her feel dizzy but as long as she had her cigarettes she would continue drinking. "Stupid Shiroyama. I will show you!" she growled behind her teeth. She had to put aside her feelings. She wasn't supposed to have any feelings in the first place. He was a celebrity and she was a staff member. "I need to be more hard working and forget about all this crap," she said to herself looking at the glass of wine the bartender put in front of her.

"Ah, please do because you are annoying the customers," a voice next to her said. Juusan felt her blood boiling. No one was going to tell her what to do. "If that is so, i suggest you get away from me then 'cause i intend to stay the fuck down here at this very spot!" she growled turning to look at him. When she saw who he was, she laughed and sipped half of her wine. "Ugh, you musicians are everywhere." She rolled her eyes as Die was taken aback by her answer. She leaned toward the bar examining him. "How's Dir En Grey, is it good?" She asked casually like she was talking to a friend. Die chuckled looking at her amused. "Are you alright miss?" he asked raising his hand towards her. She slapped it away death glaring him. "What's up with you musicians, thinking you can have any girl you want and playing around?" she asked boldly drinking the last dropof her wine. Die laughed. This girl was weird. And he thought that he would spend his night quietly. "You sure are harsh to actually know with who you are dealing right now," he said amused rubbing his hand that got slapped. "You didn't reply my question," Juusan said. Die sighed. He fixed the collar of his zipped leather jacket and took a sip of his own drink. "Sometimes we have a big ego, that's pretty much it." he said looking at this weird girl in front of him. She nodded without looking at him. She was focused on playing with her glass.

"What is your name loli?" he asked her. Juusan looked at her dress that wasn't in the best condition and then him. "I just returned from a live," she murmured. "So, i can tell," he followed. "Call me Juusan," she said sticking out her hand. "Keep me company then, Juusan. I need a drinking buddy for tonight. What do you say?" Die asked shaking her hand. Did she really want to do this? She wanted to leave and pretend she never met one of dir en grey's guitarists but her feet were too heavy and she was feeling rather tipsy.

"Sure thing,but only if it's your treat." This was her one condition. She had to forget everything that happened that day either way. She needed company, so she decided to overcome any unwanted feelings that would prevent her from interacting with others normally, even with celebrities.

"Deal,as long as you are quiet. I need to relax." Die smiled as he motioned for the bartender to come.

"Shut up," was her reply.

It was going to be a long night...