The Fritos of Wrath
Chapter Eight: Don't Forget to Bring Your Toothbrush
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Evilmini: Okay, we spent way too much money on that freak! Now I want you to fire him!
BurasMew: What? ME? Why me?
Evilmini: You hire 'em; you fire 'em.
BM: What? NO!
Evilmini: Please?
BM: NO! You do it!
Evilmini: No habla ingles!
BM: What?
Evilmini: Cual es tu actor favorito?
BM: What the………?
Evilmini: Mi actor favorito es Mike Myers!
BM: Stop it!
Evilmini: Ei! Chotto ni! Tomodachi wa darou ka?
BM: What? Japanese?
Evilmini: Hai! Anata wa Nihongo i masen ka?
BM: NO!
Evilmini: Onegai! ONEGAI SHIMASUUUUU!
BM: You are the one who wants him gone!
Narrator: (walks in) Who wants who gone?
Evilmini: Um………w-we were just talking about………
BM: About?
Evilmini: About getting rid of………
BM: Of?
Evilmini: That guy from………from………um………Sora! Getting rid of Sora!
BM: WHAT! NOOOOO!
Evilmini: Um, yes! I think we should! (whispers to Myu) Sorry, first name to pop into my head!
Narrator: Well, that's an interesting idea.
Evilmini: The script is right over there. (points) Look at it.
Narrator: (turns) Oka—
BLAM!
BM: OMG!
Evilmini: Heh! (holds 2x4………that's a plank of wood) Heh! I got rid of him! Now, let us move on with the story, shall we?
BM: . . .
Evilmini: Good.
8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888
Rufus: Is everything set up?
Prof. Hojo: Yeah, just one thing missing…
Rufus: What?
Prof. Hojo: The hosts of the party!
Rufus: Oh, yeah…
Prof. Hojo: They are supposed to be the one's setting up for this Evil Villain Sleep Over, not US!
Rufus: We even had to make the invitations.
Prof. Hojo: Damn you Cloud! DAMN YOU SEPHIROTH! (grabs a pill bottle)
Rufus: Whoa there! What's that for now?
Hojo: My ulcer…you know…stress…it's in a pill form now…I invented it myself…
Rufus: I'm sure you did. (turns away and checks off stuff on a list) Red streamer—check, black streamer—check…
Hojo: What is that supposed to mean? I am a world-renowned scientist!
Rufus: You make steroids Hojo!
Hojo: Jenova cells are not steroids! They are herbal supplements I tell you! HERBAL SUPPLEMENTS!
Rufus: Drugs are drugs Hojo! Don't act like you don't remember your little hospital visit!
Hojo: It was just a check up!
Rufus: Of course it was, if your idea of a check up is two months of intensive care for an OD on "herbal supplements"!
Hojo: It was not an OD!
Rufus: Sure…and the name Hojo isn't gay.
Hojo: It's not! It means support or aid….assistance and stuff in Japanese…
Rufus: That's a crappy name…
Hojo: NO! You are the crappy one! (pops a pill)
Rufus: Hey! Stop it! I don't trust those "pills" of yours…
Hojo: Lighten up…want one?
Rufus: NOOO!
--The kitchen door opens revealing Jenova in a 50's housewife dress complete with high heels, a string of pearls, flipped out hair, and a platter of party snacks.
Jenova: Anyone hungry?
Rufus & Hojo: O.o…Jenova?
Jenova: That's Mrs. Jenova to you…(giggle)
Rufus: Rrrright…maybe you could be Mrs. Hojo…translated to be Mrs. Assistant… HAHAHAAA!
Hojo: Shut up!
Jenova: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP OR YOU SHALL FEAR MY REIGN! (ahem) Lemon squares? You two have just been working sooo hard…my little Sephie will appreciate it…
Rufus & Hojo: Oo…rrrright….
Jenova: I am just going to go into the kitchen and magic up some more snacks for Sephie's little party! I do hope he gets home soon. His friends will be here any minute.
Rufus: Okay "Mrs. Jenova"…
--She exits.
Hojo: Psssst…
Rufus: What?
Hojo: (whispers loudly) Where'd her tail go?
Rufus: Huh?
Hojo: (wh. loud.) Her tail! Where did it go?
Rufus: Huh?
Hojo: (w. l.) And all the tubes and stuff! Where'd they go?
Rufus: How the hell should I know? And why are you whispering?
Hojo: (w. l.) …I don't know…
--MEANWHILE…
Sephiroth: See this katana?
Miss Prissy: Yes sir! (screams)
Sephiroth: Now, it is the most suggestive katana in the world…it's grows when I swing it hard enough…care to try?
Miss Pretty: Oooo! Me first!
SLASH!
BLOOD!
Miss Prissy: AAAAHH! You killed Miss Pretty!
Sephiroth: (rips off the tea party hat on his head) Shut up!
Miss Prissy: AAAAAAHH!
Sephiroth: It puts the acid on its tongue!
Miss Prissy: You want me to drink acid?
Sephiroth: Well…yes…
Miss Prissy: NO!
Sephiroth: Or else it gets the katana like Miss Pretty again…
Miss Prissy: (drinks) WHAAA! (gulp gulp gulp)
Sephiroth: HAHAHAAA! Stupid…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
--He leaves the creepy Tea House and goes down the path where Cloud had gone. He enters the Drag Queen Bar…
Sephiroth: What the hell! CLOUD! Where are you!
Cloud: (runs to him wearing a skirt and wig) SEPHIROTH! SAVE ME!
Sephiroth: What happened to you?
Cloud: What happened to you?
Sephiroth: Never mind the Tea Party dress…I know I look like Alice in Wonderland in Drag…
Cloud: Never say the word "drag" again! (pauses) RUN!
--A stampede of creepy drag queens screaming CLOUD run towards them.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
--Meanwhile…Sora and Riku sit in Sora's room thinking of a plan…since they ditched the dim-wits Tidus and Kairi.
Riku: Sooo, what should we do?
Sora: I'm not sure…wanna look at my foot again?
Riku: No!
Sora: Are you sure?
Riku: Stop saying that!
Sora: Wanna make out?
Riku: NO!
Sora: You sure?
Riku: I'm not GAY!
Sora: You seem a little obsessed with me…
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: Anyway…I think we should try to second-guess this Mysterious Man's moves…
Sora: How?
Riku: Think like a villain!
Sora: How?
Riku: I know, let's go to Sephiroth's house! He's a villain! He's sure to help…
Sora: How?
Riku: He's a villain.
Sora: How?
Riku: Cause he killed people…a lot…
Sora: How?
Riku: With his magic katana that suggestively grows when you swing it really hard…
Sora: How?
Riku: I don't know it's magic…
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: Moving on…let's go!
Sora: Where?
Riku: To Sephiroth's house…
Sora: Where?
Riku: Over on 3rd Avenue…
Sora: Where?
Riku: Between 2nd and 4th Avenue! Now let's get going!
Sora: Where?
Riku: Stop it!
Sora: Why?
Riku: Because I said so!
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: Wanna look at my foot again?
Riku: NO!
Sora: Wanna make out?
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: …
Sora: …
Riku: Sure…
Sora: Seriously?
Riku: Um…sure…
--Make out scene ensues…MEANWHILE…back at Sephiroth's house…
Seymour: (monotone) Oh no. Where are they? It is terrible. They are supposed to be here. It is their party. Why are they not present? If only they were present…
Reno: SHUT UP! Jesus you queer…
Seymour: Ring the doorbell…someone must ring the doorbell…it is imperative that a doorbell is rung to allow entry into this fine…
Reno: SHUT UP! (rings doorbell)
Seymour: I thank you my disillusioned friend. For we now, are one step closer to opening the gateway…the gateway of the sleepover party…
Reno: Gah!
--The door opens…
Rufus: Oh, hi…he invited you? Jesus…next thing you know Ansem will be walking up to the doorstep…
Ansem: Hey guys? Am I early?
Rufus: No…grrr right on time…I guess…come in…
--The three of them walk into the amply decorated living room. The streamers and balloons are red, blue, and black. And there is a huge table of food.
Seymour: What dear sustenance! I feel that eating these delectables would be rather enjoyable. Would anyone care to join me? Yuna?
Rufus: Yuna's not here…she's dead.
Seymour: Oh, really…well then…off to the finger foods…perhaps I might drown my sorrows…
Reno: Is Yuna really dead?
Rufus: No…I just wondered how much emotion he'd be able to show.
Reno: Just don't try to make him laugh. He made me listen to song parodies all the fucking way here and kept laughing at the dumbest shit!
Rufus: What a mouth you have?
Reno: Well I'm fuckin' loosing it here! The man is crazy! Have you heard him laugh Rufus! (grabs Rufus's lapels) HAVE YOU HEARD HIM LAUGH!
Rufus: Um…no…(pushes Reno off) Finger foods?
Reno: GAH! (eats)
--Emerging from the kitchen…
Hojo: Guess what everybody!
Reno: Fuck…
Hojo: No, even better…
Seymour: But what could possibly be better than a good—
Ansem: Ahem!
Seymour: In the—
Ansem: AHEM!
Hojo: This! (holds up a platter) They are my newest invention!
Rufus: Hojo….
Hojo: No, no, no, they are safe and totally natural! Jenova-bites!
Rufus: HOJO!
Hojo: They are all natural health snacks that taste great and give you that extra boost of energy.
Rufus: Extra boost my—
Ansem: AHEM….
Hojo: Anyone want a Jenova-bite?
Rufus: NO!
Seymour: They look simply inTOXicating…
Rufus: Rrrright…listen Hojo, I don't care what you do with your own body…but please don't distribute this to others.
Seymour: (munch) Wow! (twitches) It is simply (twitch) the best (twitch) the bbbbest (twitch) OMG! It's the best fucking thing I have ever tasted! It's like the party isn't out here! But it is totally in my mouth somewhere! O M G!
Rufus: Fuck! Hojo! That is not natural!
Seymour: OMG! Can I have some more?
Rufus: NO!
Hojo: It is all-natural!
Rufus: Then why does he have expression in his voice and he's talking right to the point! Riddle me that Hojo! RIDDLE ME THAT!
Hojo: Leave me alone Rufus! It's not like you never developed an illegal drug and distributed it out to the masses…
Rufus: …
Hojo: …
Rufus: …
Hojo: …
Rufus: …
Hojo: …
Rufus: …
Hojo: …
Rufus: …
Hojo: …
Rufus: You dumb—
Ansem: Ahem…
Reno: Stop bleeping out everything!
Seymour: (munch) kjahdflahflakfjaflakfa; kjdaoyiqrAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Rufus: Dammit Hojo!
Hojo: MUAHAHAAAA!
Reno: Gah!
Ansem: At least he's not laughing…yet…
Reno: Don't say yet you—
Ansem: Ahem…
Reno: GAH!
Seymour: (munch) Ehemehehemhehemehehe!
Reno: NO! Oh god no! Not the laugh!
Ansem: It's almost funny…
Hojo: I just warn you…if he starts to get a little shiny…run…
Rufus: They're side effects, Hojo?
Hojo: Well…no…yes…no…maybe…
Rufus: HOJO! I told you! No more DRUGS!
Hojo: Herbal supplement!
Ansem: You know…there just might be a way to cure him…
Reno: (mocking) Oh…I'm a scholar! I know everything! I study Heartless's! Look at me! I can save the day cause I have a tan!
Ansem: SHUT UP!
Rufus: How do we fix him then?
Ansem: Um…I forgot now…
Seymour: (sings) Watashi wa oshiire o dete, mado o ake-masu!
Hojo: (takes a bite) Whhat?
Rufus: Not you too!
Hojo: Whhat?
Rufus: I said, 'not you too!'
Hojo: Whhat?
Rufus: NOT YOU TOO!
Hojo: Huh?
Rufus: NOT YOU TOOOO!
Hojo: Ookay!
Reno: Damn you Dave Chapelle! DAMN YOU!
Rufus: Where's Sephiroth? I am going to kill myself!
Ansem: It'll be okay…
Seymour: Soto no mado ni tonde!
Reno: What the hell?
Rufus: He said, "I come out of the closet, and open the window…I fly out of the window."
Reno: Oh…is that all…
Rufus: I hate you.
Reno: Sorry, he's just really pissing me off.
Seymour: I am a Spartan! Oh! OMG! You got to dance! Odotte!
Reno: GAH!
--Just then, and not a minute too soon, a knock at the door…
Rufus: Hello? What the—
Riku: Is my secretly biological father here?
Rufus: Who? Sephiroth? No.
Riku: Damn…
Rufus: Are you here for the party?
Sora: What party?
Riku: Shut up! Um…sure…
Rufus: Well, then, I guess you can wait here for him. I don't know when they'll get here, no one knows. Come on in.
Sora: Yay!
Riku: Shut up…
Rufus: Everybody shut up! We have two new guests…what are your names again?
Riku: I'm Riku and this is Sora…
Rufus: Riku and Sora, this is Reno, Seymore, Ansem, and Prof. Hojo.
Riku: Um, hi…
Sora: Hello!
Rufus: If you want some food, there's some snacks on that table over there…but what ever you do, don't eat anything that Hojo's got.
Hojo: Whhat!
Rufus: You stupid—
Ansem: Ahem…
Riku: Right…
TO BE CONTINUED….
BurasMew: Wow that was long…
Evilmini86: Um…so?
BurasMew: You wanna fight?
Evilmini86: Not really… you wanna donut?
BurasMew: SURE!
go out for donuts
THE END
