Place of the Lost
A/N: Sorry it took so long to update this time. It's been a busy last few days. Be warned this one is slightly gory.
Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
Chapter 8: The Guardian
EPOV
After our discussion, I had to stay in the janitor's closet until nightfall. I just sat there alone in the middle of the concrete floor, trying to plan my next move. I was determined to prove Dr. Cullen wrong. I loved that girl, and I would never harm her. I thought for a long time about what I could do for Bella, how I could repay her for all she had done. Even after my… episode, I still hadn't completely given up hope. I released my pent up anger and after a few hours of deep contemplation I decided that I was going to approach the situation with Bella very delicately.
I decided to test Dr. Cullen's assertions. Tonight, I would walk to Bella's house. I wasn't going to knock on the door or try to talk to her. I just wanted to be close to her, and see if the strange urge he described did in fact come over me. Even if I did feel strange around Bella, I knew I wouldn't want to kill her. It was impossible for me to crave her blood. My love was stronger than anything this new life could throw at me.
I suddenly heard a knock at the door. "Edward." Alice's soprano voice rang in my ears. She slowly opened the door and took in the scene around her. She didn't seem surprised. "How are you doing?" she asked with a concerned look on her face. Her thoughts revealed that she was extremely worried. She leaned against the door frame and waited on my response.
"I don't know. I guess I'm feeling better, I haven't destroyed anything in a few hours." She chuckled half-heartedly. "I'm just scared. This is all so overwhelming."
"I know Edward, I'm sorry this week has been so difficult for you. But being one of our kind isn't so bad, at least not the way Carlisle and I live." She was trying to make me feel better but I sneered at her.
"I can't imagine a worse life than this, no wait.. existence. You can't call this a life."
She smiled at me knowingly, "Well we can do some pretty amazing things, you know."
Her positive attitude was annoying. "Like what, slay the innocent and gorge yourself on their life giving blood." I said in an irritated tone.
"No." Her face suddenly lit up, "I'm sure you've noticed the sharpness of your senses and this room you destroyed is a testament to our strength. And our speed Edward, it's incredible. Even in the water, our quickness is unmatched and we don't ever have to come up for air. Our bodies are practically indestructible and some of us have even more talents."
I was intrigued, "Do you have any extra gifts?"
"I do." She was being playfully evasive, but I was in no mood for games.
"What can you do Alice?" I asked in a stern tone.
"I can see the future." She smiled wryly.
"What?" The anger began to boil inside of me again. "You knew all of this was going to happen to me and you did nothing to stop it!"
"Edward, my visions are subjective. I can only see the consequences of the path people are on. People can always change their mind; the future is unstable." Her thoughts indicated that she was telling the truth.
"Did you see me coming? Did you see me becoming one of you?" I asked pleadingly.
"I didn't see you until the night before you came to the hospital. It was too late then, you were already sick. But I promise Edward if I had seen you before I would have warned you. I would have made a fool of myself, run you out of town, anything to stop this from happening. Sadly, that wasn't how things turned out. The moment you entered the hospital, I saw you as one of our kind. I saw your maturity, kindheartedness, compassion and sensitivity. I knew you'd make a wonderful addition to our family, and I knew you'd be alone in a few days. I couldn't do anything. I'm sorry to say this Edward, but I didn't see any reason to try to stop the future I saw that day. I know you can't understand that now, but I hope eventually you'll be content with this new life." Her tone was soft and her thoughts were sincere but I was still angry.
I felt so helpless, like everyone one was controlling my life but me. My mother, Dr. Cullen, Alice, they all influenced the sequence of events that made me what I am. But who the hell asked me? No one! I felt like a prisoner to everyone else's selfish decisions.
"I don't know if that's possible Alice." My voice was grave.
"It is, I've seen it." She said with a hopeful smile on her face "Do you think you have any extra talents Edward?" Her thoughts told me that she already knew the answer to my question.
"I think you know I do."
She practically squealed, "I know, isn't it amazing. I've never met a telepath before."
I tried to calm her strange excitement. "It's going to be difficult to get used to. It's annoying when I'm just with one person; it will be miserable in a crowd. I can't even put the thoughts into words. I can only sense what they're thinking. If they're sincere, sad, excited or worried."
She grinned, "Your gift will improve with time. Eventually you'll know exactly what others are thinking. It just takes some coaxing for it to fully blossom."
I grimaced, "I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Who wants to know what people really think of them?"
She giggled, "Wow Edward, don't tell me you're insecure."
I frowned at her, "Let's see Alice, I've been deathly ill, lost both my parents, and become a…" I choked on the word, it still didn't seem real. "My self-esteem has taken quite a hit."
Her thoughts were apologetic, "I'm sorry Edward, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I just meant that this new look is very dashing on you." She suddenly moved from her position in the doorway and began searching the messy floor. She found a broken shard of a mirror and held it up to my face.
I looked hideous. My face was the same disgusting milky white shade that I had seen on my hands earlier. My lips looked like a deep crimson in contrast to my pale skin. And my eyes, they were the worst of all. They weren't golden honey or even coal black like Alice's and Dr. Cullen's. No, they were a furious shade of red. "What's wrong with my eyes?" I asked.
"Oh don't worry the red will fade once the venom has overtaken all of your human blood. When you start feeding on animal blood, they'll turn a dazzling shade of gold."
"Venom?" I responded curiously.
"Yes, vampire venom." I shuddered at the word. "Carlisle didn't explain this to you?"
"No, we didn't make it around to the finer details." I clarified.
"Oh well then, I have a lot to tell you. When Carlisle bit you, he injected you with his venom. It overtook your entire body and transformed you into what you are now. If we bite someone and don't kill them before the venom takes over then they'll become one of us too. But it's a very difficult thing to do. Once we taste blood, a furious craving overwhelms all of our thoughts and it's almost impossible to stop. Carlisle is a very strong man. I could never do what he did." Her tone was so reverent when she spoke of Dr. Cullen. This sparked my curiosity, I wanted to know more about him.
"Does he have any special gifts?" I prodded.
"It depends on what you mean by special gifts. He can't see the future, or read minds or anything like that, but he's no ordinary vampire. Many of our kind, lose their humanity. The thirst for blood takes over. They resort to a nomadic, aimless existence but he overcame his desire, alone! He's helped me do the same. He's so compassionate Carlisle made a pleasant life for us. We have to move every few years, but we get to help people. I can't imagine a better way to spend this life we have. I usually start out in school, then become a nurse. We're going to have to leave Chicago soon and start out somewhere new. I would be lost without him, and Edward, he can help you too." It was easy to see that she loved him. Dr. Cullen had become her father and she was recruiting siblings.
"I don't know Alice, I think I need to figure things out on my own first." I was still angry. I couldn't give in so easily. I had to prove that I could make it on my own.
"I know what you're planning tonight." She interrupted. "Edward, I know you miss Bella, but you're going to have to trust me on this. It's a bad idea." Her thoughts were worried.
"I'm not going to talk to her. I just need to see how I feel around her." I was irritated.
"You don't understand, you're weak. This is dangerous. Please just go back to our house. We'll take you for your first meal tomorrow. Your room is upstairs, third door on the left."
I snorted at her presumptuousness. "I think I'll pass, I've got things to do tonight." I moved from my position on the floor. My bones didn't creak like they would normally have after sitting for so long. Despite having no sleep, I stood up feeling sharp and refreshed. I kicked the debris on the floor out of the way and began to make my way towards the door. "If something terrible was going to happen, you'd try harder to stop me." I sneered at her.
"I can't tell what's going to happen Edward, you keep changing your mind." She was telling the truth. I was wavering. But even if I was uncertain about what to do with Bella, I knew exactly what I needed to do now…get out of here. I walked by her and made my way to the door. Glass and papers crunched under my feet.
"Bye Alice." I uttered the phrase with no emotion.
Her response was forceful, "You're playing with fire Edward." I ignored her and stepped through the threshold. "Our apartment is on south Monroe." she called. I scoffed and threw my hand up in a half-hearted wave.
I wandered down the corridor searching for an exit. I finally found one that lead to the back of the hospital. I opened the heavy metal door and took my first step outside in days. I took a now unnecessary deep breath. The evening city air was thick and hazy with smog but it was still nice to be outside. I looked up to the sky, and was surprised to see many shining stars despite the city lights. I liked the new eyes. There was something invigorating about being outdoors, it strengthened my resolve.
I took a few more steps away from the hospital door and noticed the tall wooden fence. I placed my hands on top of the posts and lithely catapulted myself over it and into the street on the other side. I took a quick look around, but didn't notice anyone staring at me.
As soon as my feet met the sidewalk, it hit me. I smelled them, in the passing cars, in the apartments, in the restaurants, walking on the street. It was everywhere. I could hear the blood pumping in their veins and I craved it. I had visions of opening one of the café doors and pouncing on them. I would use my speed to overtake the feeble humans. They were so weak, and I was so strong. I would sink my teeth into their delicate flesh and indulge myself on the blood my body desired.
I tried to control my thoughts they only made the yearning worse. I could hear their thoughts. Some people were excited, some were terribly sad, others were bored. It was overwhelming, like I had to take on the emotions of the entire city. Once they got into my head, I couldn't help but feel them too. This was too much, I wanted to cover my ears and make it all go away, but it wouldn't.
I stayed in the shadows, trying to avoid the street lights. My feet tread silently across the side walk as I searched desperately for a dark alley. When I finally found a narrow corridor between buildings, I ducked inside and searched for something… anything to stop the raging fire.
I saw a metal dumpster and picked it up with both hands. I lifted it into the air and tossed it to the side, revealing a festering pit of refuse and rats. I picked up the rat in my hand, but couldn't bear to bring it to my mouth. So instead I squished it my hand, like dough and drank the blood as it dripped from its tiny quivering body. The taste was absolutely foul, like rotting meat, but it calmed my thirst. I did this with four more rats. Finally, I was able to relax. I leaned against the brick wall and gathered my thoughts.
I very seriously considered running to Carlisle's apartment, but my pride wouldn't let me give up. Bella didn't give up on me when I was sick, and I couldn't give up on her now. I resolved to try. I was going to see her, it would be all right since the fire had momentarily subsided.
I stepped out of the alley and the smell hit me again. It made my throat burn, but it was controlled. I sighed internally, and tried to suppress my human breathing reflex. Once I was on the sidewalk, I moved as quickly as I could without being noticed. It was snail's pace given my new speed, but it was very important that no one saw me at that moment. I looked heinous. My white button up shirt was stained with rat blood. My skin was pale white, and my eyes were an intense red. I was the stuff of nightmares, but I had a duty. I had to try to cope with the fire, for Bella's sake. So as much as it burned, I journeyed on, moving painfully slower than I was capable. I used my sharp vision and agonizingly good sense of smell to avoid people the best I could in the middle of the city.
I was relieved when I reached the outskirts of the metropolis. I felt strong and smug, like I had proven the doctor wrong. I made it from the heart of Chicago to the edge without losing control. I must have passed thousands of people, maybe this wasn't going to be as difficult as Alice and Dr. Cullen had made it seem. It wasn't easy, but it was essential to restrain my sense of smell, and quickly find a non-human substitute when the fire burned too hot. If I could do that, then seeing Bella would be safe.
I was a block from her house, still uncertain of what to do. I never actually made a conscious decision. I just put one foot in the front of the other and soon I was at her window. I smelled her lavender scent immediately, it was as if she was standing next to me. I bent down and picked up a pebble out of habit. I dropped it when I realized the purpose of my visit.
That night wasn't about giving in to my personal desires. It was about doing what was best for Bella. I was going to make sure she was all right and gauge the strength of my urges. It may be a while before I would be able to actually confront her but until then I'd do everything I could to repay her. She was my night angel when I was sick, and now it was my turn. I would be her guardian, watching over her as she slept.
The time had to be about 9:30; she would probably be in her room reading. I looked up to her window. The white curtains were illuminated by the dim light of her oil lamp. I wanted so badly to see her, but I knew she couldn't see me, not yet. I sprawled out under the weeping willow in her yard and just stared waiting for the light to go out.
I must have waited an hour and a half, until the room was finally dark. I got up from the ground and swept the grass from my black pants. I moved as quickly and as quietly as I could to the side of her house. I was there in an instant and I didn't make a sound. I put my hands on the red brick wall and began to fit my fingers and the toes of my shoes into the tiny shallow notches between the bricks. I gracefully scaled the side of the building with ease, and I gently placed my hand on her window. I forced my finger into the space between the panes and tugged it open. A loud creak broke the peaceful silence and made me grimace in fear of disturbing her. Bella never locked her window; I found that suddenly innerving.
I stepped inside the room, not making a sound as my feet hit the hardwood floor. I noticed the beautiful bouquet of white flowers on her bedside table and the rocking chair that she hated still sat in the corner. She lay in her bed, tossing and turning in a troubled sleep. Her blue nightgown contrasted nicely against her pale skin. Her brown hair was a tangled mess of curls, but she was still so beautiful.
A refreshingly cool breeze came from the open window behind me and stirred Bella's scent in the air. Out of habit, I took a deep breath in anticipation of the intoxicating lavender scent. Instead my nostrils were met with something much more delicious and infinitely more powerful…Blood!
Her blood was different from anything I had encountered that evening; it was more potent. The scent was indescribable. It made the inferno roar in my throat with a strength that I had never encountered. Electricity ran through my veins and my mind went to a deplorable place. All I could imagine was drinking that delicious warm blood, feeling it my mouth, pouring down my throat and calming the fire. It was a repulsive fantasy, a product of my deepest and most animalistic instincts. I saw myself pouncing on her, ripping the sheets from her sleeping body and piercing her delicate flesh with my razor sharp teeth.
I clenched my fists, and my quivering body was rigid as I tried to suppress the overwhelming desire. I felt myself lurch forward, yearning for her blood. I had to use all of my willpower to stop, but I was able to. I just turned to the window behind me, feeling defeated and ducked out of her room and into the night. I escaped the house, narrowly avoiding a disaster that would have broken me for the rest of my… existence.
When I made it back down to the street, I wanted to cry again. My Bella was an angel, who looked after me in my time of need. Who was I to her? I was a barbaric, bloodthirsty monster. I could never be her protector or her guardian again. She would never be safe in my presence. I loved her but I wanted to murder her for her blood. How could I even think those things about my Bella? I was a terrible person, all of my humanity was gone. This was it, all hope was lost. I seethed with anger and sadness. I hated the excruciating flames that blazed in my throat. I hated life. I hated myself.
A/N: Oh Edward, why do you insist on taking things so fast? All this angst is bringing me down, but we've got so far to go! I hope you liked it. Please review!
