A/N: I hope this chapter doesn't read too much like a Public Service Announcement or an essay, but I really wanted to know what I was talking about when it came to the issues surrounding sperm donation for the offspring of such conceptions. It was an eye-opening experience, so I wanted to share some of the things I learned. The next chapters will be more dramatic, I promise!
Research
While the Stablers were discussing her future over dinner, Olivia was out doing research. She'd followed up on Kathy's suggestion to find a support group, but instead of one for parents thinking of artificial insemination, she found one for children of sperm donors. It was hard to believe that AI had been in use long enough for there to be adult children conceived by this method, but there were thousands. Olivia had contacted the group leader in advance and told her why she wanted to come to a meeting. Alicia Randall ran the NYC chapter of the Donor Conception Support Group, an organization that had begun in Australia. Randall told her that it would be up to the group if they wanted to talk to Olivia, but she was welcome to come to a meeting. They met in a room at the Vanderbilt YMCA on 47th Street. Olivia arrived a few minutes early to meet Randall in person and go over the group guidelines.
"Like any other support group, everything that's said here is confidential." Explained Randall, an attractive woman in her forties. "This particular group has about 20 members, ranging in age from 15-25-about ten show up on any given night."
Olivia nodded, glancing over the literature Randall had given her about the group. Although conducting interviews was part of what she did for a living, she was very nervous about this meeting. She wasn't sure what she hoped to get out of this experience, but felt compelled to hear this perspective. She'd read plenty about the how's and whys that parents faced; she needed to know how it felt to be the end result of this process.
"I have to admit, I don't get many people inquiring about the donor child's experience," said Randall. She started arranging the chairs in the room into a circle. "You're going to find a wide variety of feelings on the subject, so be prepared. You can sit next to me, and after the group gets started, I'll introduce you. Everything here is on a first name only basis."
"I appreciate you letting me sit in," Olivia told her, helping her with the chairs. "And I totally understand the need for confidentiality."
People began to enter the room and Randall greeted each person warmly as they filed in and took seats. Olivia got more than a few curious looks—she imagined they were wondering who she was, since she was too old to be a likely new member of the group. By the designated start time, there were a dozen seated in the circle.
"Let's begin with introducing ourselves, first names only," suggested Randall. "I see a few people who haven't been here in a while—welcome back! You all know me, and this is Olivia, who will be sitting in on our meeting tonight."
When the group had hastily tossed out names—some mumbled so quickly Olivia didn't catch them, Randall asked if anyone had a pressing issue they'd like to begin with. Everyone looked around the circle at each other and shook their heads.
"Well, then let me tell you about Olivia." That caught their interest. Every single member, from the teenager with blue streaks in his blond hair to the Buddy Holly lookalike with black rimmed glasses, sat up and looked eager. "Olivia is here tonight because she is thinking of conceiving a child using donor sperm. But she has concerns about how this will impact her child, so she'd like to get some feedback from people who know about that."
Most of the group were nodding and smiling. Buddy Holly scowled and slid down in his chair, arms folded tightly across his chest.
"I told Olivia it would be up to the group if you wanted to share that kind of information. What do you all think? Is there anyone who would not be comfortable in having Olivia stay for our meeting? "
Again, glances were exchanged. "I think it would be cool," one young woman who'd introduced herself as Sophie said softly. The rest of the group either nodded or shrugged.
"I appreciate this," Olivia said, smiling. "I'm trying to get as much information as I can before I make a decision."
"I wish my mom had done that before she went ahead with it," scowled the boy with the blue hair.
Randall interjected at this point. "Thank you all for agreeing to share with Olivia. I'm sure talking to this group will give her a lot of insight. Why don't we do it this way—let's go around the room and state some of the good things first. If you don't want to say anything, just say "pass". And then we'll do another round where you can share the negatives."
Jordan, the boy with the blue hair, was first. "Well, as all of you keep telling me, if my mom hadn't used a sperm donor, I wouldn't be here right now." Other heads nodded in agreement.
"I know my mom really wanted a baby, so I'm glad she was able to have one," added Sophie next to him. "I hate to think of her being totally alone her whole life."
"Are all of you from single parent families?" Olivia asked, looking around at the group.
"No," said a young man who looked to be the oldest of the group. "My dad was infertile, so my parents decided to go with donor sperm."
"My dad has an extremely rare genetic disorder that's passed down only through males," said another young man who appeared to be in his early twenties. "So my parents didn't want to risk that."
The circle continued with their input. One or two people passed on saying something but the rest contributed along the same lines: their parent/s couldn't conceive on their own and wanted a child that was at least partially biologically theirs. Nothing Olivia had heard so far was a surprise to her; it was the next round she'd come to hear.
"Okay, "said Randall. "Anyone have anything else they want to add before we go on to the other side of the story—the downsides to AI?" Everyone sat up, leaned forward or showed signs of interest, even Buddy Holly straightened out of his slouch.
"It sucks to not know who your real father is," said Jordan, without even being asked to start. "Most kids, even if they don't have both parents, they know who they are. I'll never know who my dad is. My mom went through an agency that made her sign an agreement that she'll never be able to find out."
Sophie nodded eagerly. "I love my mom, but I want to know who my father is. I…" she hesitated, and looked down at the floor before raising her chin defiantly and continuing on. I look at every guy on the street who looks like me and wonder if he could be my dad."
"Yeah," said the girl next to her. "I don't look anything like my mom and I'm tired of jokes about how the mailman must be my father. I'd like just one picture so I can see if I look like him."
No one in the group passed on this round. "I've had four open heart surgeries since I was born," said Buddy Holly, whose name was actually Craig. "The doctor's think it could be a genetic defect, but the sperm donor hadn't listed anything in his history about a heart problems."
"I think my mom was selfish," said one girl. "She says she had me through AI because she wanted a baby that was "genetically connected" to her, but what about me? Don't I have the right to know both of my "genetic connections?"
"Sometimes I feel like I was nothing but a science experiment," confessed a twenty-something male in a very low tone.
"Yes!" said the girl next to him. "My mom brags about how she screened the sperm for a genius father and now I have to live up to that expectation.
"I always wonder about how many other kids are out there, spawned by the same donor." Said one man. "I could have brothers and sisters and not even know about them."
By the end of the evening, Olivia's head was spinning. She thanked everyone profusely for sharing their innermost feelings and stayed behind to help Randall keep up and talk to her. She'd heard lots about inconsistencies in screening procedures, and no uniform policy on donor anonymity.
"Wow, I hadn't even thought about some of those things," she said to Alicia. "That girl who said she felt like a designer baby brought tears to my eyes."
"It's particularly hard for adolescents," said Randall. "They're questioning everything about themselves and rebelling against their parents anyway. They may feel differently by the time they're adults and even parents themselves, the data just isn't there yet. Donor sperm has been used in one form or another for a long time, but it's really only in the last 30 years that it's become prevalent. And only in the last decade that has there been any awareness of the issues involved for the offspring."
"I never knew who my father was until a few years ago," admitted Olivia. "My mother was raped, before abortion was legal. It's haunted me my whole life."
Alicia looked at Olivia with renewed interest. "But you know now?" she asked in surprise.
"Yes, I'm a cop; I ran my DNA through the federal database and came up with a match. But the rapist had already died, so I don't know a whole lot more than his name. I did find out I had a half-brother and we've connected, in a fashion."
"That's more than a most children get," Randall said.
Olivia nodded. "I don't know if it has made things any easier though," she replied.
Randall stepped forward and hugged Olivia, catching her off guard. Olivia found herself tearing up at the feel of the woman's motherly embrace. She'd spent so many years longing for this kind of connection with her own mother, and now that she was dead, there was no chance of ever establishing it. Randall released her and smiled. "Olivia, I wish you luck in whatever you decide. You may have noticed that the one thing I didn't ask the group was if they had a chance to do for a do-over, would they have wanted their parents to go ahead with AI. It doesn't seem helpful to talk about what could have been, only what is. All we can do is deal with the hand life has given us and move on."
Olivia looked at her with wide eyes. Was this her answer, her sign? "Deal with the hand life has given us and move on." Randall's words hit her powerfully.
"Thank you, Alicia. From the bottom of my heart, thank you."
