Hey you guys and gals! I know this chapter took a while, i was just swamped with stuff.
But thank you for reading :) I appreciate it.
My eyes blinked open to the sound of the credits playing at the end of the movie. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.
I looked up to see Castle smile smiling over at me. "You know, I don't think you lasted ten minutes in the movie until you fell asleep."
I sat up and craned my stiff neck, rubbing it. I must have laid on it wrongly, because it was kind of sore. "Sorry."
"Don't worry. You are adorable when you sleep. You make this soft sigh every fifteen seconds."
"Well, thanks… I guess, but I should probably go." I looked at my watch. Ouch, it was almost midnight. "I'm exhausted."
"You can sleep here." His eyes formed into those big, blue puppy eyes.
"Your doggie eyes aren't going to work this time." I leaned over and kissed him lightly on the practically invisible scar next to his eye. Before I could lean away, he grabbed onto me and pulled me into his lips for a sweet kiss.
I pulled away after a second, even though he was still fighting for my lips. "Castle, I've really got to go."
He sighed. "Can't you just stay for a little longer? We can just talk."
"We can talk tomorrow."
"Please."
"You can walk me home," I offered as I stood up and stretched my stiff limbs.
"Walk?" he asked.
"How about half way and then we can grab a taxi the other half?"
"The things I will do for you…" He got up from the couch shaking his head, but he still had a smile on his face.
It was extraordinarily warm to be a night in February. I looked up at the sky, trying to find stars but they were drowned out by the city lights. That was a thing I hated about the city; there was no sense of outdoors.
"I never fully apologized for looking into your mother's murder without your consent," He looked over at me as we walked side by side on the sidewalk. He looked down at me, truly looking apologetic.
"Yes, you did."
"Well, I was full of drugs then, so, I don't really think that counts," he claimed. "It was a horrible secret to keep, and I'm sorry."
My stomach turned uncomfortably. He wasn't the only one keeping a secret. I felt an urge to tell him, to get it off my chest.
"Castle…" I hesitated, feeling nervous. I swallowed hard. I kept my head down and eyes focused on the side walk. My hands turned clammy and my throat tightened, so you could hardly hear me when I spoke. "I.. well… when I was… shot…I…"
"I already know."
My head snapped up to him. "You know?" I asked, a lot louder than before.
"Remember when your PSTD hit you really hard?"
I nodded, cringing at the memory.
"Well, you called me crying that night and, of course, I came running."
I was so shocked I couldn't even speak. I had no recollection of him coming over or even me calling him. I was suddenly worried.
"You were bleeding and had a high blood-alcohol level, which is probably why you don't remember. I cleaned your cut and cleaned up the glass, but you kept sobbing. I didn't know what to do, so, I tried to calm you down. Then you started to mumble nonsense, which turned into, 'I lied to you Castle, I lied to you.' I had no idea what you meant. I thought it was just drunk talk but then I realized it wasn't. You said, 'I remember what you said.' And of course I knew what you meant. But it's okay, I understand."
I was almost numb. He had known this whole time that I knew what he had said, that I had lied to him. I felt sick, I wanted to vomit. I wanted to get away from him and hide under my blankets.
I didn't feel relief. Why wasn't I feeling relief? Because I knew that I had hurt him. I knew that he ached for me and I pushed him away and I kept doing it. His pained face flashed in my mind, when I pretty much kicked him out of my hospital room. It hurt me just as badly as it hurt him.
I should have just told him from the beginning. It was stupid and cowardly not to have told him the truth. I was a coward, a stupid, idiotic coward.
I think Castle could sense my distress. He lifted my chin up with his index finger, so I would look him in the eyes, but I looked away anyway. "Kate, I understand. I get it."
"How can you understand when I don't?" Tears were starting to fill my eyes. I finally looked up at him, not being able to not look him in the eyes. They radiated understanding and love, but, of course, I didn't see it that way or just ignored it.
"You were just shot, you had a boyfriend, you weren't ready for a commitment, and you were doing it for your own sake. I understand and, even if I didn't, it wouldn't matter because you obviously feel guilty about it, it obviously affects you," he told me in a stern but still soft voice. "I understand," he whispered.
I pulled away from him. "I need to get home," I turned and waved for a taxi. It pulled over to the curb. "Bye, Castle," I said as I practically ran to the taxi.
"But, I thought...," he said reaching out for me.
I hopped in the taxi. I gave him the directions and he started to drive away. I looked back at Castle who was still standing in the middle of the sidewalk, watching the taxi drive away.
I was such a coward. I kept running from my problems, running from him. When was I going to realize that I needed to be running towards him?
The next two days went by fast with suspect after suspect not leading anywhere until the end. Apparently, George had owed a lot more money than he couldn't afford, which was why he filed for bankruptcy years back. The man, Alrow Jenkins, had lost thousands from him, but the twist of the case was that Alrow wasn't the one to commit the murder; it was his twenty-three-year old son, Smith Jenkins, who finally got the courage to confront George and things turned bad.
The murder wasn't committed out of love. It was a selfish act. Smith needed money and his father didn't have it, and so he blamed George for that.
I was finishing the last of my paper work when Castle walked over to my desk and sat down. We still hadn't talked about Saturday night, and I could tell it was eating him up. But I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to face it. I just wanted to forget about it, and pretend it never happened, but Castle, apparently, had different plans.
"Can't we just talk about it?" He whispered so no one would hear.
"There's nothing to talk about." I kept writing, not even bothering to look at him.
"Oh, come on, Kate!" He spat out, obviously angry. "Stop pushing me away."
"I'm not pushing you away," I shot back.
"You're not pulling me towards you, either."
"Maybe that's not what I want. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe I don't want that kind of relationship with you," I hissed loudly, my voice laced with venom.
I didn't wait to see his reaction. I got up with my purse and coat in my hands and walked away. It felt like I was doing that more and more often lately, walking away from things that I, actually, wanted.
I sat on my couch, watching a movie and eating ice cream with sprinkles. It was surely needed. I watched 'Pride and Prejudice', the only movie where I cried every time.
I gasped when my apartment door opened. Mary walked through, smiling. She was leaving today, thank God. We were getting along better now, but it didn't mean that she still didn't annoy me.
"What ya up to?" she asked, as she plopped on the couch next to me. "Pride and Prejudice? This is my favorite movie!"
"Really?" I asked surprised. She didn't seem like a Pride and Prejudice type of girl, but, then again, neither did I.
"I'm sure every girl out there likes it. How can they not? You like it."
"How long are you staying? You can join me. Ice cream is in the freezer," I offered.
"Oh, I would love to, but my dad will be picking me up in a few minutes." She checked her cell phone. "Oh, I guess he is here now… I should go, before he gets impatient."
We embraced. "This was… fun," I said, as we pulled away.
She laughed. "Next time I should probably give you a bigger heads up."
Next time?
I laughed. "Yeah, that would be nice."
She got up and grabbed her bag that was next to the couch. "See you later, Katie." She waved goodbye and then left.
Who knows? Maybe we could be good friends like we used to be, but I highly doubted it.
There was a knock at the door and I slowly but surely got up from the couch to answer it. I hit pause on the movie and pulled open the door. Castle stood there, looking angry.
"Kate, why are you being so fickle?" he asked, walking in, not bothering for me to ask him in.
"Well, hello to you, too," I said, shutting the door, trying to lighten the mood.
"You want me and then you don't want me. Then you want me and then you don't? Kate, do you want me?"
"Castle, what the hell?" Then it hit me. It literally hit me, well, kind of. His breath was fortified with the smell of alcohol. "Have you been drinking?"
"I went out with Ryan and Essssposssito," He told me.
"Castle, you smell horrible!" I said, placing my hand over my mouth.
"I did throw up outside in front of your building." He started to rub his forehead. "Can I get sssome water?"
I hesitated for a moment. "Ugh… Yeah." I went and fetched him a water bottle and found him sitting on my couch.
He took it and took a sip.
"Do you want me to take you home? Or I can call Alexis or Martha?" I offered.
"No, no. I don't want them to ssee me like this." He rubbed his forehead again. "Can I get some Advil?"
"It's dangerous to take it with alcohol," I told him. "Are you sure you don't want me to take you home?"
"Can I just stay here?" he asked, and then his face changed from pain to oh-crap. He quickly got up from the couch and ran to my bathroom. He must not have had time to close the door because I could hear him pretty well.
When I knew he was done, I walked in. He was leaning against the wall with his eyes lightly closed, and his face was really pale. I turned on the cold water and grabbed a washcloth from the linen closet. I got it wet and rang it out. I slowly got to my knees in front of him and dabbed it lightly against his forehead.
"Are you always like this?" he asked.
"Like what?"
"I came here to yell at you, to take charge, and you end up taking charge, like always," he smirked.
"Well, it is kind of my job description, and I do like it."
"Control freak."
"With someone I can't control."
"I meant what I said before though," he said.
I stopped holding the wash rag to his face. "What's that?"
"You are really fickle."
"It's called being a woman."
"Did you really mean what you said earlier?" he asked, finally opening his eyes to look at me. They were fogged with worry. "That you don't want that kind of relationship with me?"
"Castle…"
"Because, I want that," he said. "I have wanted that since I first saw you, and I don't want you to be the one that got away."
"Castle… I need time. I can't just jump in head first into the three foot deep pool. I will get hurt, you will get hurt, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I have to test the water first."
"I thought that's what you have been doing."
I took a deep breath and pressed the washcloth to his forehead again. "I'm trying."
He smiled and put his hand over mine. "And I'm grateful for that."
I made a makeshift bed for Castle on the couch, as he called Martha and texted Alexis that he wasn't going to be home that night.
"You never finished your movie," Castle pointed out.
"It's fine, I've seen it a trillion times."
"I never would have guessed you as a Pride and Prejudice type of girl," he said as he sat down on the couch with a playful smile.
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm going to go to bed and, remember, Castle-"
"Yes, I know, you sleep with a gun."
I winked at him. "Just making sure you remembered."
My eyes opened to the door opening and a silhouette standing in the door way. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes. The person in the door way didn't move; it seemed as if he wasn't even breathing, just standing there looking at me, hoping I didn't see him.
"Castle?" I asked.
He didn't say anything. There was no sound, nothing but the tick of the clock and my heavy breathing and pounding heart. I fumbled for the lamp, trying to keep my eyes on the figure in the door way but I couldn't find the switch. I turned my head for a second to turn on the lamp with a shaking hand. When my head whipped back towards the open door way, no one was there. I almost sighed in relief but then felt a strong hand wrap around my throat. I tried to scream and pull away from the man that was in my bed, but he was too strong. He was pulling me into the darkness with him and it was getting harder to pull away.
The man's features transformed from a man I had never seen to Montgomery. I started to scream harder until I was woken up by someone shaking me and then hushing me.
Castle whipped back my hair that was stuck onto my forehead from perspiration. He sat on my bed, holding me in his protective embrace until I stopped sobbing.
