A/N – I know, I'm throwing these up here fast. I will probably slow down, but the reviews have been so lovely, that I can't help myself.
I'd like to recommend you check out a fic called Kick the Tires and Light the Fires by gasaway alley. Edward is a racecar driver and Bella sends him into overdrive. Gasaway's writing is fresh, funny, action packed and laced with gorgeous descriptive imagery. She knows how to twist canon 'til it squeaks but she brings a whole new depth to the characters. Bella's indiosyncrazies are endearing and Edward is, so very hot and tortured. Jes' how we like 'im. Perfect for racing fans, or those who don't know the difference between a stock car and a drag racer. She also has her own thread on Twi'd!
EPOV
When I opened the cabin door and saw the handiwork of my sister, I was relieved she had forgiven me and discreetly lent her support in my selfish re-entrance into Bella's life.
Settling an emotionally wrought Bella into the love seat, I quickly moved to the kitchen to find her some food. I found a crisp folded note tucked into a fruit bowl on the counter,
Edward,
I'm so proud of you for not running when she needed you. As soon as I saw you bring Bella to her room and lay down next to her I called Esme and we agreed you would need help. It appears you have your hands full. Edward, there are blocks in her future I cannot account for, but every step of the way you are with her. You must stay with her. There are things at work here that run much deeper than just your love for her. There are glimpses of a past involving this cabin and both your futures are entwined here. We will talk about them tomorrow in greater detail. Make Bella comfortable and secure. There is food in the cupboards and Esme and I fixed the plumbing so you could run her a bath. And I KNOW what you are thinking right now, so pull your head out of your ass! You will NOT hurt her. I've seen what happens (which is another reason we are not coming back tonight btw) YOU WILL BE FINE EDWARD!! Your main concern is Bella and her needs are what is important, so, tame your inner Angstward and know that you are stronger then you think, and so is she.
xo
Alice
PS- Please...follow your heart and trust her. Trust yourself. You know the option of living a life without her is not your natural course. I'm not going to say "I told you so..." but I TOLD YOU SO! Never bet against me.
PSS – There are clothes for her in the dresser. At least I got to do some shopping!
Bless that pixie. Bless Esme. I was filled with hope that this turn of events was a good thing for Bella and I, despite the ruin and heartbreak she's been through today. I served her the soup and fruit that I found, while she finished up I ran her a bath and lit some candles for a calming effect. I wished I had music. Would that be too much? Am I actually nervous? I put aside my selfish musings on this unexpected turn of events and concentrated on Bella's basic needs. Food. Bath. Whatever her heart desires. Forever.
I brought her into the bedroom to show her the bath and where she would sleep. I couldn't help but chuckle at her delight in having a bathroom in this rustic cabin. She was so easy to please. She hesitated and sighed as she looked at the tub, smiling to herself. How I wish I knew what she was thinking! I couldn't help myself. She needed comforting, I needed her as close to me as possible. Encircling my arms around Bella, I asked her boldly if she needed help to undress. She hid her face in my chest and I could feel the heat of her blush against me. Her fists were balled up in trepidation, her back rigid with restraint and indecision.
I asked her permission again.
"Bella, may I?" I didn't know if I was asking to disrobe her or kiss her.
Either situation would be satisfactory. Satisfactory? Who am I kidding? It was taking an incredible amount of discipline to not ravage her senseless just having her in my arms. My mind was a hive of bees buzzing with the excitement and need to show this woman how much I desired her.
Looking at me, her eyes said it all. First, genuine surprise. Then... Dear God. Surrender. Need. Her intense gaze bore into me, her eyebrow arched, daring me to play my hand. My fingers moved of their own accord. I began to unbutton her shirt, savoring the delightful unwrapping of this most precious gift. I untied her skirt letting it fall to her feet, the whooshing air from its fall to the floor stirred up the intoxicating earthy scent of her arousal, I nearly capsized into the abyss of feral need. I recalled Alice's encouraging promises that everything would be okay. She was right, I knew the price of being without Bella. That sacred knowledge would surely keep me from hurting her. All I wanted to feel, hear, touch, taste and smell was her. I inhaled her scent again, dragging the blistering burn for her blood into me, harnessing it with my love for her.
Slipping my hands down her soft trembling arms, her shirt drifted to the floor. My Bella was before me, half naked, vulnerable, trusting. Never in my existence had I ever been in the presence of such beauty. Dark molasses eyes framed in lush, black lashes trained on me; had I been a mortal man, they would have brought me to my knees. Bella's wet ruby lips were slightly parted, deserving to be kissed. Luxurious chestnut waves of hair flowed past her dainty alabaster shoulders. The simplistic innocence of her white bra and panties unhinged my control, provoking the licentious beast within to growl in greedy anticipation. I was lit with an overwhelming need to run my hands over every hot, pulsing, precious inch of her. My eyes roved over the salacious curves of her hourglass frame and I closed the remaining space between us, desperate for her to know the depths of my own need to finally claim her as my lover.
I could not dare to hold it back any longer.
There was no more staying away from her.
No more restraint!
The control she never asked me for, yet I had stubbornly insisted on, damned us both to nine years of pain. In a beat of her heart, I vowed that there would be no more pain between us. I let go of my fear and succumbed to my siren's song; not the song of her blood, but of her body and soul, her own need for me,
"Bella... I don't think I have the strength to..."
My lips devoured hers.
Running my fingertips down along her side and up over the swell of her hips, I splayed them greedily just below the dip in her back, just above the sublime swell of her ass. Applying the slightest amount of pressure with my fingertips, I pushed her hips into mine and felt her core come ablaze, my evident desire for her pressing and twitching against her soft, flat belly. Bella's eyes began to glaze over with need as she bit her bottom lip, heart furtively pounding within her chest as her milky white skin flushed pink with the heat of her blush.
Oh god. That blush.
I unhooked her bra, I needed as much of Bella against me as possible immediately. I carried her to bed, our bodies harmonizing together in a rush of limbs and furious hunger. Rolling, writhing, skin on skin, lips murmuring sweet shivering sighs as my love wound herself deliciously to my body. My only thoughts were to respond, to worship and love this exquisite creature beneath me. I was overcome. I had no idea we could be this close, that I could feel such dizzying passion without blood lust. I was so wrong about so many things before this day. I had been denying her, denying myself this... This perfect love. Riding on the crest of this epiphany, I was violently slammed with the regret that I had wasted so much time. The riptide of our love pulled me under. I was ashamed I had let Bella suffer while I wallowed in self indulgent misery and martyrdom... and still, she reached for me.
I was not worthy.
"Bella, my Bella... Forgive me. Forgive me... I didn't know, I didn't know." My body was vibrating with the regret and agony of keeping us apart for so long .
She soothed my guilty confession, absolving me with her light touch. Whispering sweet forgiveness she asked me to make love to her. This was no shy 18 year old girl. This was a woman beneath me. A woman who magically transformed a bloodthirsty beast such as I into a simple man in love.
I carefully cupped her full breasts. Taut, pink nipples shivered beneath my fingertips. Desire coiled in me, and I leaned in to taste her. With her pebbling buds slick with my venom, I blew my cool breath over them and she gasped gripping my hair to move me to her other breast. A clear indicator of how much she enjoyed having my mouth on her. I was amazed at how our bodies responded to each other. They had a memory, a timeless knowing. A gravitational pull.
I felt her squirm and wiggle her way down my torso towards my aching sex. She parted her legs taking me into her and it was not my place to argue or pull away. I was a damn fool to ever think it was. I was hers and could deny Bella nothing. The intensity of this incredulous intimacy with her had crushed my conscience into flaming bursts of pleasure dipped in pain. I was not prepared for the wicked duality of this holy communion of flesh.
NO!
Not now!!
My damnable nature betrayed me, venom flooded my senses, my vision turned a hazy gray. I wanted nothing more then to take Bella and drain her dry in a blinding half second. The Jekyll and Hyde clashed within, I forced my mouth shut and bore down the urge to bite into her soft, pulsing flesh. She whispered into my clamped lips. Wrapping her silky legs around my cold form, she refused to let me leave our carnal union. She was so fucking brave. The gray vision was replaced by a soft pink hue which was pulsing forth from her chest. A calm swept over me as she spoke,
"Edward, I trust you. You won't hurt me."
Her incantation released me. Bella took me into her and I was free. With her luscious heat wrapped all around me, time stopped, all I could sense was her. She was everything. The room glowed around us a deeper rose while I fell into her again and again and again. I was finally exorcised from the fear that I would hurt her. She had cast out my devils with her trust and newfound power. I was amazed. Humbled. She was no more a fragile thing to me. My Bella was strong, magnificent, powerful and she wanted me.
Concentrating all of my discipline and effort into making sure Bella and I came together I listened closely to the sounds of her body preparing itself for orgasm. It started with her toes curling and her calves hardening. I ran my hand over one heart shaped calve and stopping just behind her knee I gently bent further back , throwing her leg up over my shoulder. A rush of warmth spread across her luscious thighs under the grips of my arctic hands, and I followed it up over her belly to her chest. Her muscles tightened and her movements beneath me were fraught with frantic need. A pink flush crept over her face, her rosebud mouth formed that tortuous "o" shape. I asked if she was close to give her permission to let go. My thumb sought out her bundle of nerves at her apex. Bella arched into me with a strong jerk and screamed my name.
We fell over the edge together as I felt the earth tremble with our release.
I warmed up the now tepid bath placing her naked, pliant body within it.
"This is so lovely Edward." her body blushed cherry and suddenly I was taken back to the image of her arching her back and calling my name.
She leaned back against the tub and smiled with pleasure at the warm water caressing her body. I saturated a sponge and squeezed it over her shoulders. The rivulets of water cascaded over her porcelain ivory skin, envious of their haphazard trail, I resisted the urge to lean in and lick the droplets from her sacred flesh. She sighed and leaned her head forward so that I could have better access to her neck and back. I squeezed the sponge again rubbing circles over her body in fastidious adulation.
Lowering herself below the water she transformed into a sea nymph bobbing slowly beneath the surface. Her hair fanned around her face drifting in a slow lilting dance. With eyes closed and small bubbles releasing from her nose, she was the picture of serenity, seemingly meditating. My keen sight allowed me to see the furrow in the brow, worrying its line across her heart shaped face A telltale sign that all was not so calm in that mysterious mind of hers. Resting in this state of suspended animation I sensed her breath running out and I unnecessarily held my own, trying to keep myself from reaching in and dragging her up to the surface. Finally, she emerged with a gasp, putting her head on her drawn up knees, turning it to the side so she could look at me while her breath evened out. I sensed a heaviness of the spirit coming from her as she closed her eyes slipping into it.
"Talk to me, Love." I said as I leaned over to kiss her wet shoulder. She sighed.
She began in low tones, starting with the pain she felt when Charlie died. Bella was gutting herself open for me. Releasing all of the pain that had pushed her to the abyss of apathy.
I needed to finally listen to what I had watched for so long: I had been blind.
"When Charlie died, I felt like I had been swallowed by quicksand with nothing to grab on to. Jacob was there, but not there. He simply didn't know how to comfort me beyond crushing me into a huge hug and telling me he was sorry and would take care of me. I took care of the funeral arrangements, moving my father's life out, and our life into the house. I was exhausted and emotionally devastated before my marriage to Jacob even began. I never grieved for Charlie in front of him."
Chewing her bottom lip she turned to face the faucet and leaned back on her hands. Even in emotional pain, she was a vision, naked and glistening before me. Given the gravity and intimacy of this moment wherein Bella was purging her inner demons, I was able to curtail my lust-crazed thoughts about where I should be, which was in the tub with her cradling her silky slippery form against me. Bella turned into the side of the tub to face me and placed her arms along the edge, water dripping slowly to the floor. Leaning her flushed cheek against her forearm, she lifted her eyes glimmering with tears to me and whispered,
"I grieved for Charlie inside. The only thing that kept me from tearing apart was considering how lucky I was to have reconnected with him by moving here."
"Oh my Bella, I'm so sorry you carried that burden alone. What about Renee? Has she been around for you at all?" I only saw Renee around the time of the wedding and for Charlie's funeral.
Bella snorted and rolled her eyes sitting up into a defensive gesture, the arms crossed over her chest: Renee abandoned her too.
"It's no surprise really." she said shrugging her shoulders. "Renee was always the one I had to nail down, keep from floating away. She was never a good anchor. She just let me slip through her fingers like a ribbon in a strong wind. I guess she didn't like me being sad, so she couldn't deal..." Her legs uncrossed and she lifted up her leg and was jamming her big toe into the faucet. Fiddling. Avoiding the animosity she had closed the door on, her mother. Bella couldn't deal either.
I listened to her describe the tension between her and Renee since her depression. She knew her flighty mother could not handle her being broken and sad. It angered me greatly that Bella's own mother alienated her in her time of misery.
I replenished the tub with hot water when she said his name. That dog who called himself her husband.
"...and Jacob, God. Jacob." She shook her head.
I needed something to do with my hands. Trying to remain calm and neutral I looked to her to continue. Pouring shampoo into my palms, I gently piled her hair on top of her head and began to work it into a lather, massaging her scalp gently.
"Jacob was there for me when you left."
"I know." I stopped my ministrations on her head and looked her in the eyes, "I am thankful he was your friend when you needed one, that he was there for you when I wasn't. I never expected you to be alone Bella." I just never expected you to be with him. I silently groused to myself.
I reached for the shower head and tested the temperature of the water before I began rinsing the soap from her hair. I placed the spray over her head and she tilted it back, closing her eyes as the water ran through her hair and down her back. When the soap was washed away, Bella brought her hands up to her hair to squeeze out the excess moisture. She leaned back against the tub and licked the beads of water from her top lip. Sinking lower into the water, Bella scrunched up her face. Her thoughts were still on him.
"He lied to me." Her voice quivered, "It was all a lie."
In that moment, her voice so small and childlike moved me. I knew I had too many acts of contrition to fulfill for this woman in order to be man enough for her. The words tumbled out of my mouth of their own volition,
"Bella, we both lied to you. Jacob and I agreed upon that lie thinking it was best for you."
She sat up so quickly the water sloshed up the edge of the tub. Reaching out towards me, Bella placed both her hands on either side of my face, holding my eyes earnestly,
"My silly tortured vampire. You honestly believed you were not good enough for me. Jacob had the inside track. He knew how far down I fell. He knew I needed you, that you leaving was all shades of wrong. By not letting you back into my life, deceiving me and manipulating you, he held back my salvation. He was perfectly fine letting me go on believing you never wanted me. That was criminal."
I leaned in and kissed her, madly trying to reassure her that I was here now. I would never leave again.
Salt on my tongue from her tears. She began sobbing, beating on my chest, venting her final remnants of anger and insecurity. She choked out about how cruel it was of me to not come to her in the woods that night before she married Jacob. She grabbed onto my shirt with everything she had, pulling me into the tub with her. I simply let her. Whatever she wanted from me she could have. Endlessly.
"Why Edward?" Tiny fists pounded my stone chest. "Why didn't you let me know? Why didn't you take me that night?" she demanded.
I turned her roughly back against my chest, drew my arms around her and leaned into her ear, my voice hoarse with barely contained emotion,
"Bella! I was a fool!"
The feel of her wet, tense body against me dredged up my desperation to calm her, strip away her fear and anger,
"It was the worst mistake of my existence! If you only knew the struggle I had within myself to leave you in your bed and not carry you away with me... I burned for you, with an intensity that I feared would destroy us both."
She relaxed into me with a shuddering sigh, bringing her arms to rest over mine and placed her head against my chest,
"Why the struggle, Edward? Why did you work harder at staying away from me than being with me?" she said plaintively.
"Bella, no excuse I can give to you will justify my abandonment." I agonized.
"I know Edward, but I need to know why."
"My love, it was so easy to want to be near you. Beyond easy... You were too good to be true. I felt unworthy of falling in love so quickly, so completely. All it took was my name spoken by your lips while you were dreaming and I was yours for eternity."
She bit her bottom lip tilting her head to look up at me. Her dark chocolate eyes held mine, encouraging me to go on.
"Up until you came into my life, everything that I considered "good" I had to struggle for. I battled my very nature to resist human blood, to hold on to the shreds of who I was when I was alive, to make Carlisle and Esme proud of me. I eventually rebelled. Gave in to my base instincts and spent years adrift in savage self loathing. I wrestled with my pride and shame when I knew I needed to return to my family and their way of life, their forgiveness was the only thing that saved me. Gradually as the family grew, living in a home where each half was part of a whole except for me was very lonely, but I stayed because I loved them all."
I dragged my nose along her exposed neck, kissing her jugular and whispering into her skin,
"Then you sat beside me one fateful afternoon and everything I had so carefully controlled and resisted for so long was on the line. I'm sure you remember how I handled that."
She scowled and I wrapped my lips around my teeth and nibbled on her ear. Bella giggled, scrunching up her shoulders into my chin to push me away and settled back against my chest. Bringing her arm up around the back of my neck she fingered my hair at the back of my head. Her breasts were deliciously displayed and I brought my hands up to trace ghosting lines along the curve of them.
"I loved you. At the forefront of my mind every second was to keep you safe. From me. From them. From anything. Throwing myself on the fire of being without you, seemed the only way to keep you from harm."
A single tear fell down Bella's face. I softly reached out and wiped it away as she nuzzled her cheek into my hand. Her skin was warm and moist from the steam of the bath, never once did she flinch from the coldness of my touch.
"Bella, I foolishly blinded myself with your physical frailties, it left little room for me to consider that you would have emotional ones. I never knew Bella Swan could fall apart emotionally. You were always so brave when it came to your heart. You looked a beast like me in the eye and declared brazenly, honestly that you were not afraid. Withstanding a brutal beating and bite from James you still accepted me and my family, still loved me, after your involvement with us caused you to be bitten, bloodied and broken in a hospital."
Flashes of Bella broken in the ballet studio, lying in a hospital bed, begging me to never leave her crushed me with grief and guilt.
"And your birthday; God, Bella, it was such a disaster in the most extreme of proportions for me, after taking such pains to keep you safe. I reeked of guilt. I couldn't stand myself."
"None of it was anyone's fault Edward. Not you accidentally pushing me into the table. Not Jasper for reacting naturally to me bleeding like a stuck pig all over Esme's designer carpets." she soothed.
"Bella, you have to understand, I figured your bravery and fathomless ability to love was more then enough to continue a life without me. I'm so sorry. "
She sat up, turning her beautiful body to me and took my hands in hers.
Venus kneeling in the water before me.
"Edward. I was brave enough because you were right there with me. "
"Wisdom speaks!" I nodded in agreement with her.
How did I ever find it within me to leave this extraordinary creature? I wondered.
I kissed her soft mouth and placed my forehead against hers.
"I will always be here with you. Always."
After getting out and changing out of my wet clothes, I pulled her out of the water and dried her body while she recounted for me her dream of her grandmother in this cabin. Shocked at the revelation that Bella had not dreamt in my absence I struggled to maintain my composure. I couldn't imagine Bella not being able to dream. I told her softly that there were clothes in the dresser for her. A smile danced across her lips,
"Alice?"
I nodded grinning at her,
"Who else?" I shrugged emphatically.
I watched her pick out a pair of soft gray sweats and a fitted tank. Her frame was painfully thin. I must make sure to keep her better nourished I thought.
Bella was unabashed at my staring of her, which surprised me. She held my eyes confidently while dressing, her body alight with a slight glow that could only be picked up by my preternatural eyesight. I could sense a shift within her. The purge of our need for each other in bed and in the bath, the purge of her despair and suffering, worked a magic on her.
Walking towards me smiling demurely, finally giving up her signature blush; my breath caught as I took in a reflection of Bella as an 18 year old girl. No more the haunted broken doll I found on my doorstep yesterday. I patted the bed and she flipped her wet hair out from underneath her shirt. I brushed out the thick rope like strands, trying to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head from the smell of her. I concentrated on what she was telling me about her strange dream.
Her grandmother had been reciting tales of her ancestors. That she believed these ancestors to be a long line of witches. Bella said she didn't realize it until now, but if the stories her grandmother had told her in the dream were in fact true, this would certainly explain her newfound ability to throw a shield. She came to the part about the book and its strange contents. Her grandmother stressed the importance of finding this book, perhaps it could help Bella harness her power? I mused.
"...and Edward, there were charcoal drawings of wolves running in the woods and a water color of a pair of golden eyes just like yours!" Bella whispered in wonderment.
My hands stilled at the task of brushing her chestnut locks. I was shaken with the realization of the true meaning of Alice's words in the letter,
"There are things at work here that run much deeper then just your love for her."
"Do you see, Edward? Do you see now? We are meant to be together." Her triumphant statement broke me out of my trance.
"Yes, my love. We are meant to be together. Always." We need to find that book , I thought.
I dragged the covers over her slender form and kissed the nape of her neck. Asleep within minutes, Bella began to mutter. I chuckled softly to myself, awash with the giddy anticipation of what her subconscious verbalizations would be. Mentally rubbing my hands together in gleeful expectation I chanted;
Say it!
Say it!
SAY IT!
"Edward."
My name from her lips worked its necromancy on my dead heart. I grinned like a Cheshire Cat in the darkness.
Then she fell down the rabbit hole.
"Yes Grandmama, the book." she promised. "Edward...the book! ... must find it."
She's dreaming about her grandmother again. The significance of her having a recurring dream weighed heavily on me.
Bella was still deeply asleep...but she was becoming more agitated.
"Ssshhhh my love, sleep, we will find your book." I whispered into her hair.
"Jacob..." she pressed.
If I had blood it would have run cold.
What place does that mutt have in her dreams?
E/N Please review!!! It brings me to my happy place!
