Delphine awoke, groggy, on Saturday morning. She opened her eyes, looking down, and realizing she had never changed out of her dress. She groaned as she got up to change and brush her teeth. She put on some comfortable clothes and popped a couple of ibuprofen. Her head was pounding. She laid back in bed, thinking about the previous night.
What had she been thinking? She felt terrible. She hadn't had any sort of feelings for anyone in a really long time, and she didn't know if she should. She didn't even know what those feelings really were anyway. Did she just need a friend? Did she just enjoy Cosima's company? She had asked her to stay. That was stupid, she thought. She felt extremely guilty. It had only been six months since Jen had gone, but really it had been years since they had had a regular relationship.
And Cosima, with her partner who had died, suddenly. At least Delphine had a chance to say goodbye, in some way. Had she made a mistake? Pushed it too far? Asking her to stay, after they had just confessed their biggest secrets to each other. She wasn't even sure what she wanted, but when she was around Cosima, she felt safe, and that was a feeling she hadn't felt in a really long time.
The day went by slowly. Delphine slept for a while, lazing around, doing some reading. She didn't hear from Cosima all day, but Delphine hadn't contacted her either. She wasn't quite sure what to say and didn't know how Cosima was feeling about everything.
As Delphine was just about to start a new tv episode, she heard a knock at the door. She got up to open it. As the door swung open, a grin spread across her face involuntarily. Cosima was standing at the door, a paper bag in her hand, smiling up at her.
"Hey," Cosima said, "I thought maybe you'd want some company. I brought dinner."
Delphine smirked. "Yeah, ok, come on in."
Cosima headed straight for the kitchen, unpacking the food she brought and placing dishes out for the two of them. "I'm sorry I didn't contact you earlier today," she called out, "I had a wicked headache and slept most of the day."
"That's ok, so did I," Delphine answered.
"You feeling ok now?" Cosima asked, placing the silverware on the table.
"Yes," Delphine responded.
"Good," Cosima smiled, "I'm starving. Let's eat?"
Delphine nodded, sitting down at the table. She dug into the chinese food Cosima had brought and she felt her energy returning as she ate.
Delphine was happy that Cosima was acting so normal. She had been worried that she might act differently around her after she found out, but she seemed to be the same. Delphine watched her hungrily scarfing down her food and she giggled.
Cosima looked up from her lo mein. "What?"
"Slow down there. It's like you haven't eaten in two days," Delphine joked.
"Well I haven't eaten all day!" Cosima exclaimed.
Delphine smiled, taking a few bites of her food. "Thanks for bringing me dinner."
"Anytime," Cosima replied. She paused for a moment before speaking again. "I hope you were ok last night. I was worried," she added, tentatively.
"Yes I was fine. Just drunk and tired," Delphine answered. "I'm sorry I asked you if you would stay. That was inappropriate."
Cosima looked up at her. "No, no, don't worry about it. I…" she trailed off.
"You what?" Delphine inquired.
Cosima shook her head. "Nothing. I just had a good time with you last night. It's really nice to find someone who understands, who gets it. I feel like I can talk to you. I hope you feel the same."
"Of course I do," Delphine responded, "I feel very grateful to have found a friend like you."
Cosima nodded before going back to her food.
After they ate, they settled in on the couch. "Are you ok with just relaxing? My head kind of hurts still," Delphine admitted.
"Yeah, of course. I'm just enjoying your company," Cosima replied, smiling. "Do you want to talk?"
"You said you knew how I felt when you said people pity you. Do you still get that from people? I'm assuming everyone around here knows since you've been here your whole life," Delphine asked.
Cosima sighed. "Yeah, it's not so bad anymore, but after Elise died, I couldn't face anyone because they treated me like I was dying. For a really long time. I went to a really dark place."
"How did you get out? I mean...if you don't mind me asking," Delphine inquired.
"It's ok. Actually, Scott helped me out a lot. He's kind of annoying in the way he really cares about me. He just kept coming over and bugging me until I finally went out. He got me to do things again. I'll be grateful for him forever for that. But it took me a long time. It wasn't easy," Cosima explained.
"I know what you mean," Delphine added, "I knew this was coming for a long time. When Jen was sick, when she was in her coma, even the people who I thought were close friends just stopped coming by. I think they didn't know what to say to me, but it hurt. I just wanted them to spend time with me like they used to, but it was too hard I guess. The only person who helped me through it was my father. But he lives in France, so it's not like he was there. We talked on the phone every day." She paused, moving her across her chest, rubbing her arm with her opposite hand. "Anyway, after Jen died, I couldn't take it anymore, the stares, the whispers. That's why I started looking for a new job. I needed a fresh start."
Cosima nodded. "Do you miss it? Living in Minnesota, I mean."
"I miss my old friends, even though we had drifted apart. And I miss my house, but I couldn't stay there. Too many memories. I never felt that connected with Minnesota otherwise, so I don't really miss it like that," Delphine answered. "It's definitely been lonely though. I mean, I've been lonely for years."
"I hear that too," Cosima confessed.
"You have so many friends! You are lonely here?" Delphine asked.
"I do have a lot of friends, but you know...it's not the same...that kind of loneliness," Cosima answered.
Delphine looked at Cosima, seeing for the first time, the strain in those kind eyes. "Can I ask you a very personal question?"
"I think we've been pretty personal," Cosima smirked.
"I know. I was just wondering, if you've been...well, how long it took you to feel something for someone else after…" Delphine stumbled.
"Honestly," Cosima started, fumbling with the rings on her fingers, "I haven't. I mean, until…uh, never mind."
Delphine looked at her with confusion. "You haven't been with anyone since?"
Cosima shook her head. "For a long time, I felt too bad about it, I couldn't even think about having feelings for someone else."
"I know what you mean," Delphine replied.
"But you know, I feel like maybe it's been enough time, and Elise would want me to be happy, right?" Cosima wondered.
"I'm sure she would," Delphine responded. "But I know that feeling. I'm not sure if or when I could ever be with anyone else. I feel too guilty."
"But Jen would want you to be happy, too," Cosima asserted, "You have to know that."
"I guess…" Delphine muttered. "It's just so unfair, what happened to her. What happened to either of them." She felt her tears coming back to her eyes.
Cosima leaned forward, placing her hand on Delphine's arm. "I know," she whispered. "Life is so unfair. But that's all the more reason to try to be happy, right?"
"How do you stay so positive?" Delphine asked.
Cosima smiled. "Like I said, I went through a dark place before, I haven't always been so positive. But I guess at some point, I realized I needed to live again. It's still hard, and feeling things again is hard for me, but recently, it's been welcome," she paused, getting quieter. "You know, like, I've really liked hanging out with you. You've been making me happier."
Delphine swallowed and felt her face getting red. Cosima was making her happier too, but she still felt terribly guilty. "I'm glad," she choked out.
Cosima looked at her, trying to read her eyes. All she saw was sadness, Delphine's tears starting to spill down her cheeks. "Come here," Cosima comforted, "It's ok. You can cry if you need to."
Delphine was so grateful that she said that. She was sick of people telling her to stop crying. Sometimes she just needed to let it out. She let herself lean forward into the brunette's warm embrace. Cosima rubbed her back as she sobbed, holding her close. She ran her hand down Delphine's soft curls, pulling her head tighter to her neck.
Delphine's tears slowed, and she breathed deeply into Cosima's neck. She smelled so good, and Delphine felt a comfort she wasn't used to. Her skin was soft against her cheek. It felt too good. She immediately backed up, startling Cosima.
"I'm sorry. I am such a mess," Delphine stated.
Cosima looked at her, concerned. "I thought we established that was ok. You don't have to apologize."
"I know...I know," she said, flustered. "I just...I don't know."
"Hey, just talk to me?" Cosima pleaded.
Delphine wanted to say something, but she knew she shouldn't. She couldn't. She wasn't ready.
"I...I'm fine," Delphine stated.
Cosima saw that Delphine had shut down again, but she didn't push. She felt a little hurt, but wanted Delphine to be comfortable.
"Ok, well, I think I'm going to head home. I'll see you Monday at work, yeah?"
Delphine felt the disappointment in the pit of her stomach when Cosima said she was going to leave. "You don't have to go. I'd like you to stay."
"Delphine…" Cosima replied. "I can't. I'm going to make a mistake if I stay."
"What?"
"Look, sorry, I'll see you Monday." Cosima got up to leave. "This was really fun." She gave Delphine a quick squeeze on the arm and she was out the door.
Delphine closed her eyes, laying back on the couch. What did she mean by that? A mistake?
Why had Delphine felt such disappointment in her leaving? She wasn't ready to feel something for someone else. But maybe she didn't have a choice, she thought. How could this happen so soon?
She found herself thinking about Cosima all night until she went to bed. She couldn't get the brunette out of her mind, how comforting she was, how safe she felt with her arms wrapped around her. She wasn't used to the feeling of thinking about someone else. She didn't want to let go of the good memories she had with Jen. She felt like if she didn't think about them often, she would forget. And that scared her immensely.
