A/N: Thanks a lot to everyone who read and reviewed last chapter! It truly means a lot to me...Sorry for the delay, but here is the update...


Fade Into Darkness

Looking up there's always sky

Rest your head, I'll take you high

We won't fade into darkness

Won't let you fade into darkness

The cold, tenebrous night descended in full force around the solitary car that stood by the side of the isolated lane. Not a single person was in sight, except the dark figure that was hunched up inside the only car visible on the street. The silence that engulfed the environs was deafening, occasionally broken by the chirping of the crickets in the nearby thickets. No sound, no movement was present in the lonely night as the full moon rose in the purple sky above.

Resting her head against the seat, Meredith sat in her car, stock-still. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks in rivulets, her eyes puffy and tired from the crying, and her hands were gripping the steering wheel for dear life. She did not budge; she just sat in her car, studying the roof of her old car with utmost attention.

Her conversation with Derek played in her head over and over again. The words that had been thrown, the things she had said, the things he had said, everything kept playing in her head like an old, broken record. Every time she repeated the fight inside her head, she felt more and more remorseful. In retrospect, she did not even know why she had reacted like that in the first place; it was unusual for her to blow her top like that about such a simple matter. She did not know what had triggered her emotions like that; she felt like she barely knew herself anymore.

All she knew was that the minute Derek had said that he had been called back to D.C., she had felt this colossal wave of blind fury, distrust, suspicion, fear, insecurity and hurt wash over her again and again, making her act irrationally. She did not know why she had seen red the minute Derek had brought up the topic of going back to D.C., but she did know that the way she had reacted had been entirely wrong and irrational.

She had said so many things to him, so many hurtful, mean and hateful things that she had not meant. She had told him that she was sick of him; she had told him that he should go to D.C and not bother coming back; she had accused him of being a cheater. God, she had hurt him so much with her angry words; the look on his face when she had said all those things to him kept on haunting her – the look of stark pain on his face was haunting and unforgettable. He had flinched when she had verbally attacked him, like every word that had come out of her mouth had stabbed him physically. How could she ever possibly undo the damage that she had done? How could she ever go back and take back all the things she had said to him? How could she ever take back the pain that she had given him? How could she ever possibly explain that she had not meant half of the things she had said?

But, she had not been the only one who had said all hurtful things. She and Derek had bandied words; it had been a two way street. He had said some hurtful words too. He had said that he was sick of her too. He had come close to calling her a bitch. Yes, he had said all those things in defence, but, what if he had actually meant those words? What if he was really sick of her and her irrational, erratic behaviour?

Meredith shut her eyes tightly and tightened her grip on the steering wheel. Even the thought of Derek being sick of her was enough to make her want to throw up. Great, because with all the things that she had said to him, it was very much possible that Derek hated her now. Heck, she hated herself right now; Derek had every right to hate her, every goddamned right.

She opened her eyes and tried to inhale a deep breath to calm herself down. After driving around the streets of Seattle for about half an hour, she had finally pulled up in this secluded spot and since then, she had been sitting there, wallowing in her woes and remorse. She had lost track of time long ago, and she had no idea how long she had been sitting there, nor did she know how far away from her house she was.

All she knew was that she had hurt Derek in one of the worst possible ways, and now, now, she had no idea how to go back and face him and fix things. She knew she needed to apologize to Derek, but she was too scared that what she had done would be unforgivable to him. Moreover, she knew that she needed to sort things out in her head before she went back and faced Derek. She knew that she had to figure out the real reason she had reacted that way before she could even think about asking for Derek's forgiveness.

Why worry now? You'll be safe

Hold my hand, just in case

And we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

No, we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

If she really came to think about it, she did know why she had reacted that way. She had been scared, and insecure, heck, she was still scared and insecure that Derek would leave her, that Derek had come back last time only out of a sense of guilt and obligation. Deep in her heart, she knew her fears, suspicions and insecurities were baseless, unjustified, because she had seen the sincerity in Derek's eyes when he had told her that he was never going to stop loving her. She had heard the sincerity in his words, she had seen the remorse in his eyes, and yet, her head could not let go of those damned fears that kept on haunting her.

Meredith had an internal conflict going on inside her, between her heart and her head. Her heart said that Derek was not going to leave her for another woman, whereas her head said that he was not incapable of doing it; he had done it with Addison. Her heart said that she did trust Derek, whereas her head said that she did not have an iota of trust in him, and he deserved it. Her heart said that Derek did not want to go back to D.C. for the other woman, that he had asked her first about her approval before making any decision and he was ready to say no the White House if she wanted him to; her head said that it was all a façade, it was all a repetition of last time; he did not care about her approval or her opinions.

Meredith took in a shaky breath as she tried to scotch the internal conflict; she was tired of it. She did not want things to be this way; she did want to trust Derek again. But, there was something that was holding her back from doing so; it was a tiny voice in the back of her mind that constantly told her that she would be making a big mistake by trusting Derek again. And Meredith did not know how to shut that voice up.

Meredith knew that her trust in Derek had been wavered profoundly by Derek's infidelity, but she was trying her damnedest best to restore her trust in him. She really was trying, but her insecurities, her fears were keeping her from doing so. And now, now, Derek had been called to D.C. again, and all her insecurities and mistrust that she had boxed up and stashed away, were coming back with a vengeance.

How could she ever let Derek go back to D.C. – the place where the other woman was? The woman that her husband had been attracted to, the woman that her husband had kissed, that woman was still in D.C. and it was impossible for Meredith to let Derek go back to that place. He had controlled himself last time; what if he failed to control himself this time? What if he did give in to the temptation this time? Meredith's heart and head were not ready to take that risk yet.

And yet, Meredith knew that she couldn't keep Derek in front of her eyes all the time. She knew that today, she could tell Derek that she did not want him to go to D.C. and she would be able to stop him. But, a year from now, or five years from now, or ten years from now, Derek was bound to receive a call from some place outside Seattle, regarding some kind of surgical case or conference or something else. Then, then, what? What would she do then? She could not hold him back forever just because of her unjustified, baseless fears and mistrust. She would have to let him go out of her line of sight some day; what would she do then? Would she fight with him again, calling him a cheater? Would she stop him from going once again, like a dependent, needy, spineless person? Or would she start accompanying him to every single place he went, scared to let him out of her careful watch?

No, that could not be the case; that should not be the case. A marriage was based on trust, faith and love. Whenever distrust and suspicion started to creep into this sacred bond of love, the end was inevitable. And she could not let her and Derek's marriage end; she was not ready for it to be over. She would never be ready for them to be over, and that was why, she had to find a way to trust him again, by hook or by crook.

And we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

No, we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

Lots of people salvaged their marriages, their relationships after infidelity; why couldn't she and Derek? Besides, it was not like Derek had cheated on her fully; it had been a one-time mistake, one that he regretted to the utmost. Yes, she had always had trust issues, especially when it came to Derek, but nothing in the world was impossible. She had to learn how to trust Derek again; there was no other option or choice.

After his betrayal, Derek had been nothing but loving and supportive towards her. He had done what he had promised to do; he had made whole-hearted endeavours to make her feel safe and loved again. He had left no stone unturned to make sure that she viewed him as a person that she could trust and confide in. Now, it was her turn. It was her turn to try to see him as a person that she could trust with all her heart. Marriage was something that required constant efforts and work from both sides. If Derek could do so much to regain her love and trust, she had to try and trust him again too. She could not let her fears of Derek leaving her or Derek cheating on her, have a grip on her anymore. She did not want to be distrustful towards Derek anymore; she just did not know how to start.


Derek sat on the couch, his mind still reeling from the events that had just taken place. Tears pricked his eyelids as he remembered the last words that Meredith had said to him before leaving. She had said a lot of things to him, a lot of things that had stabbed him in the chest like a rusty knife, but her last words had hurt him the most of all. She did not trust him; she had said that she had no reason to trust him. Yes, he had made his fair share of mistakes, true, but he had also tried to make up to her for them. He had done everything in his power to regain her trust, to make her trust him again, and he understood that she needed time to learn to trust him again, but that did not mean that it had not hurt when Meredith had bellowed out that she did not trust him.

He had no idea why Meredith had reacted the way she had; he had known that she would not have been pleased on hearing about the call from D.C., but he had never envisioned in his wildest dreams that the simple thing could trigger Meredith's fury like that.

He glanced at the clock and realized that it had been well over an hour since Meredith had stormed out of the house. Worry crept in Derek's mind and he immediately took his phone out of his pocket to call her up. But, as he searched for Meredith's name in his phone's contact list, something in him held him back from dialling her number. He did not know whether it was his bruised ego or his wounded heart, but his finger kept on hovering over Meredith's name; he couldn't bring himself to dial her number. She probably wanted him to leave her alone anyway.

"You know what? Go to D.C., just go to D.C. and don't bother coming back." Meredith's words rang in his ears and he threw his phone away, anger and hurt overpowering concern and worry. He would not call her; he had done nothing wrong this time, so he was not going to be the one to cave in first. If she cared one jot about him, she would call him on her own. Why should he always be the one to apologize first, even though the fault was hers?

Rage blinded him, and he resolved not to wait up for her. She would come back in her own time, after she had had time to cool down and think things through. Why should he always be the one to go chasing after her? He rose from his seat and walked inside his bedroom, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Plopping down on the bed, he buried his face in the pillow and tried to stop the tears from flowing. Derek Shepherd did not cry easily, but Meredith and her words had a hold on him that could turn him into a pile of sobbing mass in one moment. He hated the fact that she possessed such a hold on him, but he also loved her more than anything or anyone else in the world.

This world can seem cold and grey

But you and I are here today

And we won't fade into darkness

No, we won't fade into darkness

Nothing to fear but fear itself

We'll be okay just keep the faith

Derek did understand Meredith most of the time, but there were times like these, when he completely failed to assimilate the enigma that his wife was. He understood what it felt like to have your trust betrayed, after all, his trust had been once betrayed too, by none other than his wife and his best friend, but he still failed to grasp Meredith's situation here. Maybe it was because he had already fallen out of love with Addison when she had cheated on him, or maybe because he had never had trust issues like Meredith did. Nevertheless, he tried to understand Meredith's emotions, her internal struggles as much as he could, but how was he supposed to understand her feelings if she plainly refused to communicate with him?

It always took two to tango; his and Meredith's marriage could never work if he was the only one endeavouring to make it work. She had to put in her efforts too; she had to communicate her feelings to him, only then they could really work on their marriage instead of going round and round in circles. It made the bile rise in his throat to admit it, but his and Meredith's marriage was doomed if she continued to bottle up her emotions like this. God knew for how long she had been bottling up all the emotions that had come spilling out that day. She had made rules for their marriage; she had promised that they would be honest with each other about their feelings, but she was the one who was breaking her promise.

Derek rolled over in the bed and lay supine, staring blankly at the ceiling above. Subconsciously, his eyes turned to the side, Meredith's side, which was empty. He felt a sharp jolt of pain somewhere deep inside and he immediately turned on his side, facing away from the empty and cold side of the bed. The urge to call Meredith became stronger once more, but her words from their earlier flight came flooding back to him, and the urge ebbed away. No matter how much it pained him not to call her, he would control himself. Because, it was not he who had hurt her that day; it was she who had hurt him.

A part of him, the sane part, said that Meredith had not meant the things she had said. He knew that Meredith had a wild temper, and the logical part of him knew that half of the words that had come out of her mouth had been products of blind and sheer rage. But, there was another part of him, the bruised and wounded part that took Meredith's bitter words to heart. That part was blind to any kind of logic or justification; that part was simply hurt and angry with Meredith.


Meredith released a deep breath as she wiped her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt. She knew that she had messed everything up, big time, and she had to take steps to fix everything before things worsened beyond recovery. She could not give up; she could not run and hide just because things were hard. Things were supposed to be hard, and she was supposed to be fighting all the hardships, not running from them. She had done enough running for a lifetime; it was time that she faced around and confronted her problems, her fears. But, first of all, she had to talk to Derek, lay it all out in the open. Because she knew that without his support, the fight to save their marriage would be lost.

She started the car and turned the steering wheel, her destination being home. She had mulled things over long enough to figure out that she had to do something in order to curb her fears and insecurities. She did not know whether what she was thinking was going to work or not, but it was worth a shot. There was only one way to find out if it was going to work, and that way was by turning her thoughts into action. And if it did not work, she could not give up. She was determined to keep fighting for her and Derek's marriage come what may.

As she drove through the streets to her home, her heart thudded wildly in her ribcage at the thought of confronting Derek. He was going to be livid, and hurt, and he probably did not even want to see her. If he had wanted to see her, he would have at least called her, but he hadn't. It hurt to know that Derek had not called her even once to check on her, but she knew it was her own doing. She would not have called him either, if she were in his place. In all probability, Derek was going to refuse to even talk to her, but that could not make her resolve waver. She had to talk to him, even if he was dead set about not talking to her. She might not take back her bitter and stinging words and the pain that came with it, but she could apologize and make it up to him, at least.

Meredith pulled up in the driveway of the house and saw that the house was dark inside. Her stomach did nervous flip-flops as her heart started to palpitate. Was Derek so mad at her that he had gone to bed without waiting for her? Well, if that was the case, she could not blame him. She knew how much words could hurt, and her invective was bound to hurt Derek deeply. But, there were other worries inundating Meredith's mind as she got out of the car and slammed the door shut. What if something had happened to one of the kids? Or what if, something had happened to Derek? The bile rose in Meredith's throat at the very thought of that and she quickly consoled herself. She had been gone only for two hours or so; nothing bad or calamitous could have happened in such a short time.

But, no matter how much Meredith tried to console herself, her palpitations would not cease. Something in her brain was telling her that Derek would have at least kept the lights on for her comeback, no matter how mad and hurt he was. He might have gone to bed, but he would not have plunged the entire house in darkness when he knew that Meredith was outside. He never did that; he had not done that once in the last twelve years. Meredith's palpitations increased as her long strides turned into full on running.

She ran and ran; it was like the more she ran, the more was the distance spanning between her and the house. Finally, she reached the front porch, panting and out of breath. Stopping only for a minute to catch her breath, Meredith quickly ran up the small flight of stairs and turned the doorknob, only to find it locked.

Fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

And we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

No, we won't fade into darkness

Fade into darkness

Fade into darkness...


A/N: I know, I know, I was supposed to get you off the cliff and instead, I gave you another cliff. But, I really thought that a little bit of introspection and soul-searching could help Meredith out. And as far as the cliff is concerned, well, I can't really say anything about it here; if I did, I would have to write an entire chapter in my author's note...

Are you guys still hanging in there? I know I made you wait three weeks for this update, so is anyone still reading this fic? If you are, let me know your thoughts on this. I really appreciate all of them :)

Song Lyrics from "Fade into Darkness" by Avicii