A/N: Okay, this is the second last chapter I think (and the next one is almost ready to go too). And apologies again if you reviewed and I didn't thank you, I am completely slack at responding to reviews, but I do really really like them, unless they are along the lines of "your fic sucks" then ... not so. :(
And apologies again for the delay in posting this – I got sidetracked with RL stuff, as well as a bit of a crisis of confidence in what I was writing, so I had to get a few things sorted before posting.
Dragoon was Emrys, and Emrys wasn't him.
The latest lie he'd told Arthur was choking him: he wondered if he'd done the right thing.
Merlin ducked his head and pressed the palm of his hand against his aching forehead; he whispered a basic healing spell, and for a moment he thought it'd worked but then his headache returned with a vengeance that had nausea scrambling to escape his throat.
He swallowed once, then again; the sick sensation subsided to a more manageable level, and he realised Arthur was speaking. Merlin struggled past the strange wooziness blanketing his head; for a moment Arthur's words were incomprehensible, nothing but a low buzz of sound.
"Did he help you at Ealdor too? Did he heal you?"
With great effort, Merlin focused. He felt sluggish. "Who?"
Arthur gave him an odd look. "Did Emrys heal you, Merlin?"
Merlin shook his head and regretted it straight away when another wave of dizziness surged through him; he dropped his head to hide it, and backed against the wall, flattening the palms of his hands behind him on the cold stone. His voice was barely more than a whisper. "No, he didn't."
"Did you heal yourself?"
Merlin blinked, and caught up. Did you heal yourself? This line of questioning was starting to tread on dangerous ground: they were getting too close to Aithusa's existence. The hole he'd dug himself was getting too deep, soon he wouldn't be able to get out.
"Merlin?"
He shook his head, more carefully this time. "I don't want to talk about it, Arthur. Please." The wound in his side felt like slivers of fire licking his skin, it had been healing but the brief physical clash with Arthur had damaged something again.
There was an awkward silence between them, and then Arthur said slowly, "Okay."
Merlin shot him a quick glance before his gaze skittered away. He allowed himself to slump against the wall, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Aithusa edge closer. For a moment he forgot to hide what he was doing, he frowned as he glanced at Aithusa properly, worried because the dragon was getting a little too close to Arthur.
Merlin didn't want Aithusa to be discovered by being accidentally trod on by the king, but at the same time as Aithusa drew closer, he could feel the dragon's magic reaching out to tangle with his; it helped him breathe and he did, slowly in and out.
Aithusa wedged himself between one of Merlin's legs and the wall; the dragon's magic made him feel good, almost like he'd shared a few cupfuls of mead with Gwaine on a warm summer's day.
"Merlin?"
He glanced up.
"You look a bit ..." Arthur hesitated. "Are you okay?"
He was, at least he thought so, but Merlin was saved from having to provide an answer by a loud knock on the door. Arthur eyed him thoughtfully for a long moment, then he gave a curt nod to Leon, who called out to the guards outside the door.
The door opened and Gaius slowly entered the room, he was clearly weary but his steps were steady, and relief flowed through Merlin because Gaius was the other comforting presence in this ocean of uncertainty he'd found himself floundering in.
Gaius stopped just inside the doorway, his eyes finding Merlin. "Sire, you sent for me?"
Arthur nodded but didn't elaborate: Gaius was followed by George and half a dozen other servants, all bearing platters of food and drink. They stepped around Gaius and arranged the trays with swift efficiency on the table.
George folded his hands behind his back as he made a quick survey of the room. "Sire, shall I bring in some chairs for your comfort?"
"No, George." Arthur was firm. "That will be all, thank you."
George gave a small bow and disappeared with the other servants.
Gaius's attention switched from Arthur to Merlin and back again. He hesitated, and took in the shards of splintered wood from the smashed chairs that littered the room; for a moment he looked older than his years.
When Gaius spoke, his voice was a little shaky. "Sire, what's happening?"
It was Gwaine who answered, he was sitting on the edge of the table, one foot planted on the floor and the other swinging idly as he quartered an orange with a knife. "It's nothing to worry about, Gaius. At least, I don't think it will be. Merlin was redecorating, and now Arthur's having a little discussion with him about it."
Gaius took a wobbly breath and glanced at Arthur's face, and he said, "Oh. I see."
Gaius took a half-step further into the room, and suddenly Merlin was a blur of colour and movement that vanished then reappeared in front of him in the space of a heartbeat, confirming Gaius's suspicions.
Merlin's eyes were suspiciously damp, and Gaius threw his arms around the younger man, rubbing a hand against his back and holding him close. "Oh my boy," he said sympathetically.
Merlin's embrace tightened, a fine tremor ran through his thin frame, and Gaius pressed his hand to the back of Merlin's head, cupping his skull and weaving his fingers through Merlin's hair. "It had to happen sometime Merlin, we always knew that."
There was a movement behind Merlin, and Gwen said softly, "He's been injured, I'm worried about him."
Arthur had followed. "He's not ... Please, can you check him?"
Merlin's tension increased; Gaius dropped his hold and for a moment Merlin wouldn't let go, but then he did. Gaius clasped him by the shoulder, he took in the blood staining Merlin's clothes for the first time, and horrified, he stumbled.
Merlin put an arm out to steady him and tried to forget Arthur was right behind him. "No, I'm okay."
"It's all your blood?"
"Yes. But I'm okay. I am."
Gaius looked at him more closely, Merlin was paler than usual, he had a pinched expression on his face and his eyes had dark smudges underneath them that spoke of complete exhaustion, however the retaking of Camelot had been exhausting for them all, and it might not be much more than that. But still, Gaius was concerned, there was a lot of blood coating Merlin's clothing and he wondered just how badly Merlin had been injured, and it wouldn't be the first time he'd tried to make light of a wound.
The physician in Gaius took over instinctively: he pulled Merlin's shirt up to examine the newly healed wound. His forehead creased: he didn't like what he saw. The wound had blood oozing through the cut in several places; he turned Merlin's shirt over and was relieved to see there were only faint traces of fresh blood on it; he nodded to himself, it had only just started bleeding again.
The ugly bruise surrounding the cut was purpling; Gaius pressed gentle fingers around the edges of it and Merlin wasn't able to hide his wince. Gaius saw through him, he gave Merlin a look that spoke volumes, and then he dropped the edge of his shirt back down.
"That needs proper cleaning and dressing to limit the chances of it becoming putrid, and a few stitches would be beneficial in places too. And you need to rest."
Merlin made a face, but Gaius ignored him and placed the back of his hand over Merlin's forehead to judge his temperature. "When did you receive the wound?"
For a moment it looked like Merlin wasn't going to answer. "Two days ago."
Gaius grunted and continued the examination, looking into his eyes and taking his wrist to count his pulse. "Your temperature feels normal. Has your skin been cold and clammy?"
Merlin shifted from one foot to another and tried not to see Arthur out of the corner of his eye. "Possibly." Gaius regarded him expectantly, and Merlin elaborated, "But it rained, I got wet, I was cold. I'm fine now."
Gaius frowned. "I'll be the judge of that." He took in the careful way Merlin was holding himself, and the set of his shoulders, and slightly stilted movement of his neck. "You have a headache, don't you? How bad is it?"
"Well ..." It wasn't a nice headache as such, but it wasn't quite as bad as the three-day headache he'd had with the serket sting a few years ago, although it was getting close again now, as Aithusa was on the far side of the room again. "It's okay."
Gaius gave him a warning look, and the eyebrow raised threateningly. "Have you been confused, did you have trouble breathing at any time?"
"Um, I don't remember."
"Merlin."
Merlin caved. "I might have, but I don't think so. I really can't remember." It was the truth: he didn't remember being confused, and his breathing had been mainly okay.
"I see. Did you lose consciousness?"
Merlin hesitated, and answered with slow reluctance, "Yes, but –"
Gaius cut him off. "This is a serious injury, Merlin. The number of symptoms and the severity of their effects allow me to gauge how extensive your blood loss was, and therefore, what subsequent treatment you'll require. Have you been feeling anxious, or agitated?"
Merlin's mouth parted incredulously, and he looked at Gaius in open disbelief.
Gwaine cleared his throat meaningfully, Gaius turned in the knight's direction and gave him a questioning look. Gwaine tossed aside the remnants of the orange and offered helpfully, "The answer to that would be, yes, Gaius. He's been very agitated. And anxious too. So has the princess, I hope it's not catching."
Gaius coughed and pretended not to see Arthur's frown or the smile Gwen hurriedly suppressed. He turned his attention back to Merlin. "Yes, well. Of course. I'll make you a tisane and infuse it with nettle leaves, that'll help. And I still have some dried withania stored that we bought from that trader that came from over the Great Seas of Meredor, you'll need some of it too. That will be a start, those and certain foods and rest are the most important, you must rest, too."
Merlin didn't want to argue, but really ... "There's no need."
"There's every need. You must take this seriously, Merlin. You lost a lot of blood which is very dangerous, even for someone like you. And ..." Gaius cleared his throat and shot a tentative glance in Arthur's direction. Clearly Arthur knew about the magic, but still ... "And one more thing. Can you ... has it ... well. The most obvious measure of injuries on you is always ..."
Gaius glanced at Arthur again, and clasped his hands in front of him, twining his fingers together a little nervously.
Merlin rescued him. "You want to know if I'm experiencing any trouble with my magic?"
"Well. Yes. Now that you mention it ... yes."
For a moment Merlin didn't respond, he'd felt rather than seen Arthur's start of surprise at the open mention of magic. Merlin's mouth twisted, and he uttered a short, self-depreciating laugh. His gaze moved to the shards of broken chairs around the room. "Samnede."
The splintered wood rose from the floor and spun in the air, the chairs gracefully re-assembled themselves and settled quietly in their former places under the table.
He refused to look in Arthur's direction, and pretended he didn't hear Gwen's soft gasp.
Gaius raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's a good sign." Then he had second thoughts. "Although of course, that's very simple magic for you, you could do it in your sleep. In fact, I seem to remember you did, not too long ago. But I wonder ... did it feel anything out of the ordinary when you did that? Has your magic been ... normal, since you were injured?"
And Merlin remembered, well, his magic hadn't actually been normal, not as such. Arthur's gaze was burning a hole into him, and Merlin scratched the back of his neck and said reluctantly, as quietly as he could with Arthur standing uncomfortably close behind him near his left shoulder, "I might have accidentally ... um, you see ... I broke the wall."
Gaius didn't follow his lead by lowering his voice. "You broke the wall?" He glanced around the room in alarm. "Where?"
"No, it's fine, I fixed it." Merlin very carefully sent a thought out to Aithusa; the interrogation was making his head throb again. Come over here, now.
"You broke a wall and fixed it here, in this room? I don't see any structural damage. Or was it just perhaps ... crumbling mortar?"
Arthur came fully into Merlin's line of vision, he'd moved to Merlin's side now but seemed content not to interrupt Gaius's grilling. Merlin couldn't look at him, he felt vaguely ashamed to be having this conversation in front of Arthur.
"Merlin?" Gaius was getting impatient.
Merlin sent the thought out again to Aithusa: Come here, quickly please.
But Aithusa was hesitant, at Merlin's first command he'd skirted around the edges of the room and was near enough now that Merlin could feel the pulse of the young dragon's magic somewhere behind him, but it wasn't close enough, not yet, and Merlin was starting to feel oddly lightheaded again.
Merlin tried to send out a reassuring thought to Aithusa, but the baby was uneasy in the presence of so many people, he'd tolerated Arthur near him but Gwen and Gaius were close to Merlin as well now, and Aithusa didn't know where to go, his tail was swishing nervously.
"Merlin, are you alright?" Arthur's voice was oddly gentle and not something usually directed at him; it penetrated the slight haze in Merlin's mind.
Merlin tore his attention away from the young dragon to Gaius again. "I told you, I fixed it, the wall. It was a little bit of um, I guess, a large break, the sun came through. But it was an accident."
Gaius regarded the stone walls dubiously, they were thicker than the length of his arm from wrist to elbow. "Merlin, you don't have accidents." Then he hesitated. "Do you? Or did you incant?"
Any other time Merlin would have been slightly indignant, but he couldn't summon up the energy now. "No, and I didn't say any words, I didn't even think them, it just happened. But I'm fine, I am, I'm sure it won't happen again. Please, just leave it."
"That's not a good sign, not good at all. I wonder –"
"Gaius, please!"
Gaius broke off his sentence and looked at him intently, then he and sighed, but he was still in physician mode and hadn't finished yet. "Did you heal yourself? Because if you did, you may find you take longer to recover properly, healing a wound of that magnitude on your own body can put a significant drain on your magic, and so in your case, put your life at risk twice over. It's a delicate balance. You must rest, Merlin, and I'd strongly advise you to limit your use of magic for a few days at the very least."
Merlin gave him an exasperated grimace, but before he could make a rejoinder Arthur broke in, sounding unusually tentative. "What do you mean, risk his life twice over?"
Gaius seemed pleased at Arthur's apparent interest, and Merlin wondered why. Didn't Gaius realise things were not going well? Couldn't he sense the tension in the room?
It seemed not. "Sire, Merlin is a magical being. If he puts his body through too much magical strain it has the same consequences as a physical wound would on you. And magical strain, coupled with an injury of this magnitude means his health is still at risk even though he may believe himself to be recovered, so he must –"
Merlin cut in. "Gaius, leave it. I'm fine."
He willed it to be true, and it almost was: apart from one of the worst headaches he'd ever had in his life and the vicious ache gnawing at his side, those, coupled with complete and utter exhaustion which was in itself not all that unusual, he was perfectly fine.
Mainly.
Or at least he would be fine soon, he'd be fine again for a while once he managed to convince his dragon comfort blanket to move a bit closer, however that wasn't something he could easily explain.
Gaius finally noticed the strain on Merlin's face and he subsided reluctantly. "Very well. We'll talk about it later."
Gwen took the slight lull as an opportunity to break in. "Can we continue this discussion over a meal? Merlin, surely you're hungry?"
Merlin had to be missing something, he didn't understand. Did they really think he'd want to sit there patiently and eat while they dissected his life over the dining table like he was one of Gaius's frogs, then divvy out the terms of his punishment? Merlin didn't think the strain could get any greater. The smells of the food made his stomach churn, he couldn't sit down with them. He just wanted this uncertainly to be over, he couldn't exist much longer in a state of flux.
Gwaine was eyeing him. "Might as well, since we have our chairs back. Merlin's pretty useful to have around, don't you think, Arthur?" The knight pulled out a chair and regarded them expectantly. "You both coming?"
Merlin stared blankly. Was no one taking this seriously except him? This was his life that was falling apart, how could Gwaine be so relaxed about it all, and why was Gwen bothering with something as normal as food? Leon's tension had disappeared, Elyan had flicked a grape into Percival's open mouth, even Tristan had been drawn over by the offerings laid out on the table. And Gaius too was at ease now, after his initial shock, Gaius's focus had been only on Merlin's injury instead of his discovered magic: it all seemed totally out of place.
Merlin's head ached. He wasn't fine, not really, not despite what he'd told himself, but it wasn't anything to do with magical exhaustion as there'd never been such a thing for him. He had no intention of letting Gaius find out, but the injury he'd sustained was becoming more than he could handle right now. And his life had turned upside down: he'd had enough.
He couldn't stay here with them much longer without breaking into a thousand tiny pieces, the adrenalin that had kept him going through this confrontation with Arthur was fading, and he needed to get away, to go somewhere where he could hold onto Aithusa and sink down into sleep.
He felt sick and exhausted, he didn't know where he'd go, or what he'd do, he was sure Arthur wouldn't order him executed, but he still didn't know if he'd be banished from the entire kingdom or just Arthur's sight, he didn't know what Arthur expected of him, he didn't know what was meant to happen now that his two separate worlds had collided.
The possibilities raced around and around his head: he couldn't stop thinking, or worrying. He'd realised Arthur's earlier anger had faded, but Merlin didn't know what it had faded to: he couldn't read Arthur because Arthur was guarding himself now in the very same way he used to do after a confrontation with Uther.
Arthur had never been like that with him before. Merlin didn't know what Arthur felt for him now, it wasn't hate but he feared it was at least dislike and loss of trust, or it could be, what for some reason felt the worse of all, nothing but indifference now.
Merlin wanted to be strong, because he was stronger than the sum of his broken dreams, but his vision was beginning to swim, the tears he'd been suppressing now too close to close to the surface and ready to spill over.
But he wouldn't cry, and no matter what Gaius said he'd still use his magic if he had to, and he almost did right then, to slow down time, so he could recover his composure and take Aithusa.
He'd leave.
But he didn't.
He didn't, because something stopped him ... something that was bigger than him.
He listened.
It started as a single whisper coming from a direction Merlin couldn't pinpoint, and for one sheer moment of absolute blinding terror, he feared he was hearing the Cailleach again. But then he realised that wasn't what he was hearing, not at all ...
Emrys ...
Arthur's hand closed around his upper arm, and he murmured something that Merlin didn't hear.
Emrys ...
It distracted him, Merlin strained to find the source: his eyes flew around the room, but there was no one there. Arthur's grip tightened, but Merlin hardly noticed, because the whispers came again, then again, and then bare moments later, he was almost deafened when the single voice swelled to a chorus of voices reciting his name ...
Emrys, Emrys, Emrys ...
He stilled and listened. He heard love for him, and hope, and belief.
And he hesitated, and he didn't leave.
Not yet.
Emrys. Emrys.
He didn't notice when Gaius did a double-take over his shoulder, because the voices were so pure, and the magical cadence so compelling, that he couldn't focus on anything else. He twisted around wildly and Arthur was saying something but Merlin didn't hear, because this was a message for him, and he had to understand.
He concentrated, the pull of magic was irresistible, he swayed unsteadily.
Emrys.
Then all of a sudden the voices disappeared and he felt their loss like a chasm in his soul, he stumbled over his own feet and into Arthur's shoulder.
Aithusa brushed against his boots, and Merlin would have fallen if Arthur hadn't held him up, and slowly, his senses cleared.
He heard Gaius again. "Merlin, I didn't realise you'd bought the dragon with you, I didn't notice him when I first came in. He's amazing, isn't he? Is he really pure white? And he's bigger than I thought he'd be."
Gaius's words were a wake up call, a slap to the face, and Merlin's comprehension was instant.
He stared from Gaius to Aithusa in horrified dismay. "Oh no. No, no, no."
A/N: Okay, sorry for stopping here, it's a bit rough but if I left this joined with the the next chapter (the final one) it would be over 7,000 words, just too long, I don't think you'd all want to read that much at once. Will post an update in another 3-7 days (I hope).
Your positive reviews, as always, mean a lot. I've struggled with these last chapters as I want to give it an appropriate ending without brushing off what M&A are going through.
