Okay, so my ORIGINAL plan was to abandon this and Wounded as I m not really into Twilight anymore (even though the Volturi will always have a place in my heart!) and I had exams to deal with. But then I was going through my emails and found lotsa reviews for this! So I decided to read over the old dear and my only thought was: WTF how in the hell did this piece of shit get 85 reviews? So, because I am immensely flattered, bored out of my mind and am in a ridiculously good mood as I found chocolate that I didn t know we had =D I decided to add to said piece of shit.

Caius POV

I was up in my newly tidied study, rearranging files and trying to compose a diabolical scheme to rid our company of that beast that I have begun to detest even more than those putrid Children of the Moon, when suddenly I heard sounds of sobbing.

I placed a book (a replacement that I was forced to make. Imagine! Replacing an antique, age-old volume with a paperback version bought for three fifty on Ebay. Disgraceful) grudgingly upon my highest shelf and went to the window to look upon the source of the noise.

Every male in the guard was walking in a sober, straight line. They were all wearing their black uniforms, which we immaculate (as opposed to every other day). Demetri and Afton had their shoulders wedged under a rectangular black-painted box, with the word WII painted sloppily in white on the top. Also on top were several black orchids. Alec, walking behind with his head down, was carrying more. After Alec were Santiago and Felix. Santiago had his arm around Felix, who was the one sobbing.

Demetri and Afton lowered the box onto a stand, and blessed themselves. Afton took a seat in one of the fifty five chairs that were lain out on our lawn, and somehow all filled?

Fifty of the seats were occupied by games, all of which donned black bows. I blinked repeatedly, positive I was imagining things. These...imbecils could not be that of our intelligent, hardworking, devoted guard?

Hardly!

And yet it was them. How could this be? When we Changed them they were of finest quality! Look at them now! Good God, Felix was snivelling and mewling like a human infant, and did it ever occur to any of them to give him a sharp slap and set him straight? Of course not!

I growled to myself at their stupidity. Then Demetri gestured for everyone to take their seats, which they each did, obediently. Demetri stood, very tall and still.

Gentlemen, he began, suppressing a sob. We have gathered here today to celebrate and mourn the life of our beloved Wii. Her life was cut short-

Death to the cat! Felix howled.

Demetri glanced at him sadly. And even though she was only with us a short while, Demetri had to pause to compose himself. I rolled my eyes. She touched each of our lives. Some more than others- he cast a sympathetic eye at Felix, who whimpered pathetically. This entire display was disgraceful! But each in her own special way! Demetri declared passionately. Afton bowed his head in sadness. Alec sniffed.

I decided to spare myself the agony of watching this display of utter ridiculousness and decided to put more thought into my ever-developing plot...

Alec POV

Oh God, this is torture! I hate funerals! I hate having to wear my best clothes, being yelled at to comb my unruly hair, having to sit still and quiet without fidgeting. But most of all, I hate mourning. It just plain-out sucks. When a vampire is killed, the whole guard stands respectfully and takes the time to, privately or publicly, bawl their eyes out. Figuratively, anyway.

But everyone (even Jane and Caius) always shows remorse and respect. But do you know what responses we got when we requested the females to attend the funeral of our beloved Wii?

Are you on drugs or something? Um, no...

I would, but I don t want to cut into my standing around time. Can t you stand around outside?

Give up the booze, Alec. You can t afford to lose any more braincells. Oh yeah? Well...well...well...shut up Heidi!

Where the fuck, in the unholy shitpit of your mind, did you ever think up such a retarded idea? Um...the back?

Brother, kindly go fuck yourself. And while you re at it feed my cat.

Don t I have SUCH a lovely sister? Such insensitivity! I didn t even bother to reply, I just scurried away before she could hurl the can opener at my head.

The funeral ended quickly. There s a term used in books - pathetic empathy or something - where the weather identifies with the mood. So guess what happened?

The heavens opened and we were caught in a complete downpour. Not fun. It happened so quickly that we had like zero time to react. The next few minutes consisted of hysterical running around, trying to scoop up the games without dropping them in the fresh, new mud while simultainiously folding up the chairs and trying to cart them all inside without tripping over our own feet and making the fatal faux-pas of getting not only yourself covered in mud, but any unfortunate soul nearby, aswell as the poor fool you knocked over in a domino effect. Many glares were thrown at me by Demetri (since recovered from the almost fatal attack), Santiago and Afton, who was also sprawling in the mud.
Instead of helping, the huge ape commonly known as Felix stood there wailing, holding the only umbrella we had over his own head.

We were all filthy and so thoroughly drenched that we stopped racing around like fools and managed to gather up all the games that littered the ground and fold the chairs up. We forgot about Felix and managed to transport our cargo inside without much incident.

We all lay in the halls, breathing heavily (mostly for dramatic effect) and only picked ourselves up when Corin and Renata came scuttling down the hall, giggling together. The giggles increased to howling laughter when they saw the state of us.

What happened to you guys? Corin shrieked, doubled over laughing, her long white-blonde hair swishing in her face.

We stood there, shamefaced. Afton and I were coated in mud and probably looked like the biggest fools in the world. Demetri and Santiago wern t much better, soggy and dripping and looking very much like drowned rats.

The girls screaming laughs attracted attention. Heidi came sauntering along, humming under her breath. She skidded in her high heels (which I never, EVER tried on. Ever) on the ocean that was previously the expensive polished tiles.

She tried to muffle laughter, snorting with the effort. What in the world happened to you lot? She spluttered.

Demetri looked appalled. He always made fun of me for my youth and my hormones, so I have and would never ever pass up a rare oppertunity to get him back.
I came up behind him with a grin on my face and threw my arms around him happily, covering him in sticky mud. He pulled a face.

We were just trying something new, I smiled dreamily, leaning my head on his shoulder and nuzzling him lovingly (getting him even more muddy). Previously appalled, now he was outraged. I kept going.

Yeah, but he would just not shut up about getting you involved. Kept going on about naked mud wrestling.

Corin and Renata had to hold onto eachother to stop themselves from collapsing to the floor. Demetri shoved me violently off him and into Santiago, and we toppled to the floor. Luckily, he broke my fall. Unluckily, I broke him.

Heidi looked so embarrassed and horrified that I started howling with laughter. Afton and even Santiago were in similar hysterics. Demetri looked like he wanted to die. Heidi looked like she wanted to kill him. They really are a match made in heaven!

Just when I thought I was doomed to stay rolling around on the floor in hysterics forever, along came Chelsea.

She gave Afton the cold shoulder but looked down at me, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raised expressively. Alec, I think you misinterprited the term mud bath.

Before further laughter could ensue, there was a high pitched, girlish scream, followed by hysterical sobbing.

We all slipped across the floor and bolted out the door to find the sourse of the noise.

It was Felix, clutching himself and rocking back and forth on the ground, pointing with one shaking finger at the black funeral box.

I took one look and shrieked. I mean screamed. I mean yelled. I mean said nothing.

Demetri clutched at his unbeating heart through his chest and gasped. Santiago fell to his knees and gave a long, mournful wail. Afton sheilded his eyes, whimpering.

The box was completely sodden and soggy. It was falling to pieces like the castle I tried to build out of sponges (don t ask). It was horrible! And the worst part, the part that had Felix turned into a whimpering mass of horror on the ground was the fact that the dead Wii was completely on display, all the wires and buttons and white plastic all open and vulnerable.

There was a small sneeze from behind us that sounded like a snicker. I whipped around.

Oooohhhhh of course.

We very manly men all scrambled back into the safetly of the castle, dragging Felix and screaming as we went. The females picked up the Unholy Monster, which was huddled under a forgotten chair away from the rain, and followed us inside.

We didn t stop running until we made it to the Main Hall, all sopping wet and making a lot of noise. Even the girls were dripping now.

I very almost crashed straight into Aro, who was standing there with Jane. The cat hopped down from Heidi s arms and trotted across the floor, tail in the air, to Jane.

What happened next could have been viewed as funny from the point of view of someone who was just watching. Like Marcus sitting in his throne.

Santiago, in his desperation to get away from the cat, gave an almighty leap and crashed down on top of Renata, who grabbed onto Afton, who knocked into Chelsea, who fell against Jane, who sent Aro crashing into me, who collapsed against Demetri, who tripped over Heidi, who landed on Corin. In the end it was just a huge dogpile of groaning, cursing, vegeance-swearing vampires.

Amber had somehow ended up in the tangle. It was like twister, trying to fight your way out of a death trap against other squirming, yelling vampires. We were all very slippery, so it was just a very pointless scramble-fest. In our panic, no one noticed the cat escape unscathed.

Eventually Aro shouted that enough was enough, and we all fell still and silent. Aro rarely loses his temper enough to shout at us, but when he does, you know you ve gotta shut up.

Aro calmed and rose to his feet. Afton had somehow ended up with his head on Aro s knees, so when Aro suddenly got up Afton s head smacked against the tiles. I snickered.

Go and bathe, all of you, Aro ordered, brushing himself down. We all did as we were told, untangling ourselves from one another and leaving quickly, not wanting to test his patience any more. Jane complained bitterly because she hadn t been the slightest bit dirty before Santiago had set the ball rolling. Poor guy found himself on the receiving end of one of her burning glares, and, well, at that point none of us gave a shit enough to stop it.

Back in the hall, the cat hopped up onto Marcus s lap, purring. He stroked her fur carefully.

What an extraordinary event, he murmured.

And until dinnertime it occured to no one that we had left Felix mewling on the doorstep.

And voila! I think people have long forgotten about this fanfic, so if I get over five reviews I shall be thrilled. Also, I have a lot of time on my hands now so be prepared for some very pointless chapters.