I'm sorry that I've taken so long to update! My summer has finaly begun so I will be able to write A LOT more than I was able to during the school year. Everything kept getting in the way. I promise I will update with more frequency. I spent much of my time going over the chapter so many times I practically know it by heart. I tried to concentrat on increasing the amount of conversaton occuring between the characters. Let me know if I went over board or didnt put in enough.
DISCLAIMER: Do I seriosly have to write this? Or do you all already know it by heart?
Without further ado, I present the first part of the seventh chapter...
Chapter 7 Loss
Part I
Two Weeks Later
There were holes in my back.
Not really.
But Edward Cullen gave the phrase a whole new meaning. He came back the Tuesday after his mysterious disappearance and I had paid no mind to him ever since. Call me a five year old, but I was doing everything in my power to avoid him. And apparently he was doing the same with me, but he was very indecisive. His eyes followed me everywhere, and shortly after he returned, his presence was prevalent during my daily hospital visits. Everywhere I turned, there was either Edward himself or something to remind me of him. Yet, despite his proximity, it was like he was far away at the same time. All hints of unexplained tenderness vanished, he was as cold as he was on his first day, except this time, he was ever watchful. Each time he would get too close, he would back away and double the amount of time he spent staring. Our evasive dance was one that would have won the gold. To say I was creeped out is a hugantic understatement.
I wanted out.
It wasn't fair that my problems had to include Edward as well as my mother's coma and my life changing transformations, yet here I was, trying to juggle everything that life had thrown at me. Having my mother in her vegetative state meant that I now had to deal with a zombie named Charlie, and there was hardly any evidence that Phil had flown up to be with my mom and I. He practically lived at the hospital. Their countenances were grieved enough to charge the air with so much negative energy to make my heart weigh like a ton of lead.
That's what made it so difficult to carry on. People at school were always tentative about what they said around me, even two weeks after the coma. Home was like a dungeon at times, everything felt like an inescapable prison. Other times, it was very similar to a grave yard inhabited with the living dead. It was a never ending feeling of gloom and dejection that was seriously increasing my restlessness with each passing day. It was nothing short of exhausting.
"Bella?" Angela interrupted my despondent thoughts.
"Huh?"
"I just said that you look like you're in desperate need of a distraction."
My laugh was empty, "Did you just read my mind?"
She smiled, "No, but in a way, I can empathize with what you're going through. My gran was out of it for about a month before passing; she was like a second mother to me."
"How long?"
"Oh that happened a few years ago. Which is why I repeat, you need a distraction."
"You could not be more correct right now Angela, its going to make me sick to my stomach to have fun when everything around me is falling apart, but its astounding what a daily visit to the hospital could do to you."
"I know. Hey, you know that next weekend the girl's choice dance is coming up—"
"No, anything but the dance, I don't do dancing." My voice was more emphatic than I meant to make it.
Angela threw her head back and laughed, "No, I'm not forcing you to come, but Jess and I are taking a trip to Port Angeles to look for dresses. I was wondering if you might want to come and provide some moral support."
I mulled things over for a bit, contemplating whether or not visiting my mother would be possible that day.
"Do you think…?"
"I'm pretty sure that we can set apart a few minutes for you to see your mom anyway."
My mind searched for a downside, but my decision had already been made.
"Yeah, it would be best if I went, otherwise I would probably lose my sanity." I was still a bit hesitant to accept the invitation, but there was nothing that could provide a valid enough reason to decline the offer.
"Ok, so, now that we've sorted that out, lets move on to something much juicier than an outing to PA."
My face must have been the image of a question mark.
"You're not usually the one for gossip."
"And I'm not, but Bella you have to know that Edward's eyes have been fixated on you for the past two weeks?"
I groaned and dropped my face in to my hands.
"I would have to be very stupid and unobservant for that to have passed my attention. Has everyone noticed though?"
"What world have you been living in for the last few days? Bella that has been the topic on most everyone's minds for some time now."
My groan was muffled by my hands
"My personal participation in such trivialities has been limited of late." I dramatically colored my response.
"Yes, well, that much is obvious. Do you have any idea of what he means by it though?"
My hands dropped to my lap, "I think he wants to… that is, I… no, I don't know. It has been annoying the hell out of me though. It's like he's anticipating something, but what ever it is, it's a mystery to me."
"Talk to him."
I looked at Angela as if she had grown another head.
"Umm, nice suggestion, but no. Not happening."
"Bella, you have to, it looks like he needs to talk to you or something."
"Angela, talking to Edward Cullen is probably not the best idea ever. He can stare at me all he wants, just as long as he does not do something sick and stalkerish."
Ok, truth was, I was really creeped out by his persistent staring, not to mention that he was already acting in a freakishly stalkerish manner, what with my frequent run-ins with him.
"It's your choice, but I still think that talking to him would be the best shot at figuring out his problem."
"I don't have to figure anything out. By the looks of it, he's the one that needs to do the figuring."
"Yeah, well, you're at the bottom of the 'figuring thing'."
"Huh, thanks Sherlock. But I have no interest in taking part in his 'figuring thing'."
"Honey, I don't think you have much of a choice in this one."
That was enough. Anymore talk of Edward would have my heart beating so fast that it would more than likely end up in an attack.
Did I forget to mention that I was still slightly hurt (okay, more than slightly) at Edward's broken promise (again, it wasn't really a promise, but it sure sounded like one)? Yes, I was aware that I had no business demanding explanations, but the feeling that he owed me one would not shake itself from my chest.
"Ok, ok, you know what? I'm going to go away now, probably to my art class. I'll talk to my dad about the dress shopping, hopefully tonight. Do you know when we're going?"
"I still have to clear that one with Jessica, but I'll tell you as soon as I know."
"Kay, and while you're at it, why don't you help Edward with his 'figuring thing'. Hm?"
I walked out of the cafeteria leaving Angela chuckling to herself. Before walking through the door, I caught a glimpse of Edward laughing while his siblings were engrossed with their respective significant other. It was weird to see him laughing like that (it was quite shocking to see him laughing at all). His humor seemed to be one-sided.
Mrs. Andrews picked up on my humor right away.
"Feeling better today Bella?" A smile played on her face.
"Just a bit. I think I'm going to spend the class drafting a sketch, is that ok?"
"Fine, fine. I'll even extend the deadline for your next work a week."
For me, that kind of leniency was not an option. "No, Mrs. Andrews, I'll have the work finished by the end of the week."
She raised an eyebrow, "Well, I'm just letting you know that the offer stands if you need it."
"Thanks." I gave her a smile as my pencil began dancing across the page before me.
The chat with Angela made me put my own negativity aside, to be replaced by the most meaningful memories I shared with my mother; mainly those of my childhood. It wasn't an omnipotent force that occupied my mind, more like a movie showing me all the precious moments I had shared with my best friend. My mood was so light that after a few minutes I began humming. Memories played themselves out, filling me with such joy that I actually began singing. At the center of all the memories was healing of my brokenness— it recharged my dead batteries. I did little else than bask in the temporary haven that my mind gave me.
I perfected every line, curve and value.
About an hour later, I found myself sitting in the biology classroom, still sketching. The atmosphere was not the same though; Edward had managed to weasel his way into my head again.
I should have known that speaking (or thinking) of the devil will sooner or later make him appear. I bent all of my concentration on keeping my hand steady as his eyes continued to burn holes into me.
My hand shook, and I prayed that the classroom would fill up faster, so as to not be tempted
to begin to tell him to leave me the hell alone.
"Bella?" Mike's voice interrupted my musings.
Did I forget to mention that my pet dog has deluded himself into believing that he has a date with me?
"What Mike?" There was little I could do to keep my voice under control. So much for sketching therapy. Clearly I pissed someone off in a past life.
"Are you going to be free the weekend of the dance?"
My following cringe was not entirely voluntary. It seemed to be instinctual. As if something about his presence drew out the worst in me.
"Nope, I'm not going to the dance. At all." The control in my voice was unsteady. I feared that my annoyance might have shown through just a tad. I went back to my sketching in order to avoid lashing out at Mike the Innocent.
He just stood there awkwardly, staring at me as if he really did not expect my answer.
So there I was, Trying to ignore the inquisitive stare from Mike, and the burning glances from Edward. Remind me how I got into this situation?
Mr. Banner walked in and began preparing his lesson. And Mike still hadn't left me alone. Finally, not being able to contain my irritation, I snapped at him,
"Yes, Mike, may I help you?"
He blinked repeatedly (waking up from a stupor of stupidity is my guess).
"Oh, um, I'm sorry."
And with that, he hurried back to his seat, like a puppy (yes, I'm using that reference again) with his tail between his legs.
I continued my sketch, at ease, and completely ignoring Edward for the first time. Though me mentioning him completely defeats the purpose of ignoring him. I kept pondering the reasons behind the animosity I held towards Mike, whether it was biologically inclined or just really bad attitude on my part, when none other than Edward Cullen interrupted my musings.
"You know, you were a bit hard on Newton back there."
His voice was amazing. It was the smoothest of velvets, mixed in with a rich melted chocolate taste (taste?), that totally, and completely made my knees turn to butter and my stomach to a colony of butterflies. It was beautiful, and hypnotizing…and tantalizing. It made me feel all warm inside. I loved it…
and it completely pissed me off.
"Yeah, well, it's not my fault. He's the one that's been deluding himself to the point where I think he might end up annoying me to death. It's in my best interest that he stay away. I'm too young to die."
"You might want to tell Newton that, otherwise I don't think he'll get the message." Edward said through laughs.
I was about to respond; when suddenly I remembered… was this Edwards business? Did he have any right whatsoever to nose about in my lame, nonexistent, wannabe love affairs, after he mysteriously left just like that?
Um, no.
"As much as I appreciate your advice and might actually take it into account, I don't think that you should be meddling in this." My voice sounded alright, only a hint of sarcasm slipped through, but frankly I didn't care. He was the one that just left me hanging.
"You're right, my apologies. It was wrong of me to interfere about in your business." At the sound of such turn of the century language, my head acted of its own accord and made me look at him. His expression held nothing but sincere apology. As he had done so many times before, his stare disarmed me.
"Um, no. Its fine, I just took it too far." I hated the way he rendered me so weak. It made me borderline stupid in his presence.
Again, I wondered what was it about this particular guy that seemed to get to me so easily.
"Actually Bella…" I tried not to swoon when he said my name, "I have something to tell you about two weeks ago."
I immediately took up my guard, "really?"
My response must have come as a surprise to him, indeed, there was nothing about my voice that indicated any sort of ill feeling towards him, just the opposite, I decided to play dumb.
"Yes, I wanted to clear what happened the—"
"Edward, there is nothing to clear. You had to be absent for some reason or other, and that's fine. You don't have to explain yourself to me."
Thank the gods above that Mr. Banner decided to begin his lesson at that moment.
Edward couldn't say anything for the rest of the class, and when it ended, he only had the chance to utter "Bella" before I interrupted him with "Goodbye, Edward" and walked out of the room as quickly and as carefully as was possible for me.
My body was still jittery by the time I got to my truck when—
"Bella!" someone shouted behind me.
"Whoa!" My spin threw me into the door. Edward sure was persistent.
But the person who said my name wasn't Edward, but Angela.
She froze in her tracks and stared at me for about two seconds before bursting out in a fit of frenzied laughter.
"I'm so sorry, its just that your face is hilarious!" Her voice was out of breath .
"Dammit, Angela don't do that or else my father will be pressing charges for inducing my
heart attack".
Apparently my efforts to make her shut up were futile as they only made her laugh harder. Secretly though, I was laughing as hard as she was on the inside.
"Anyway, you were going to say something?" Controlling laughter, was not something I had to do everyday, and for good reason. Laughter was the last thing that could be reigned in, second only to screaming toddlers.
Angela's gasps kept coming in spurts and stutters, but she finally managed to squeeze out whatever it was that she came to say.
"The dress shopping date will be Thursday right after school."
"Who is driving over there?"
"Well, I'm going home while Jess follows you home, and then you'll come pick me up. We'll take a detour to the hospital, and then we'll be on our way."
"Sounds good, I'll talk to my dad about it."
"Kay, see you tomorrow."
I watched her walk off, glad that she had approached me with an opportunity of release from the crazy stuff that filled my life.
Crazy however, seemed to have taken a liking to me and decided to keep me company.
Let me explain…
Upon my arrival home, I noticed that the cruiser was in the driveway along with another old Rabbit. My dad was never home before me, and ever since I had taken up residence here, nobody had come to visit.
Using the key under the eave, I let myself inside.
"Dad?"
Voices were murmuring in the living room.
"In here Bella."
I found my dad talking to some old man and a fairly cute guy.
"Bella, I hope you remember my friend Billy, and his son Jacob."
Faint memories coursed through my brain. Yes, I remembered Billy. Memories of Jacob completely eluded me though.
"Bella, it's nice to see you again." Billy held out his hand with a warm expression.
"Likewise."
After the usual formalities I went on to announce,
"I'm going to get started on dinner."
"Jacob, why don't you go and make yourself useful" Billy gestured to me.
I didn't miss the quiet conversation that passed through their eyes.
As if I didn't have any holes in me already, Jacob kept is eyes intently on me while I was making the grilled cheese sandwiches. He was noticeably tense; his hands wouldn't stop fidgeting. Finally, in order to avoid explosion, I broke the ice.
"Jacob, do you have something to say? You've been fidgeting for the last fifteen minutes."
In that moment, he froze and filled his lungs with much needed air.
"Bella, my dad knows."
The plate I was holding slipped from my hands, the color drained from my face.
No…not this
"I-I…uh…what?"
Jacob caught the plate, and smirked as if he was in on an inside joke.
"That's exactly what I said when he told me to tell you."
"I don't understand." If he knew—if anyone knew… I'd be done for.
"I don't understand myself, but my dad needed me to tell you that he knows, whatever that means, and that he needs you to come over sometime soon because he really needs to talk to you."
I opened and closed my mouth several times without saying anything.
"You don't know?" I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
"No, I'm just as clueless as you are."
Correction, he was clueless enough to not notice my poorly disguised distressed state.
"What does your dad want?" If he knew, the delicacy of my condition…
"I have no clue. All I know is that he was really worried, and he really needs to talk to you."
Not good. Why was my mother so hurt when I needed her the most? If he truly knew about me and how powerful he could become… then Forks was never safe for me in the first place. Billy Black was an old man; somebody like him who knew could easily be tempted.
"He also wants you to know that he means you no harm."
My head snapped up to meet his friendly eyes. Could I trust him? I suppose I could, indirectly at least. I could still be safe.
"Did he tell you if anybody else knew?"
"No. Wait, do you actually know what's going on?"
Words eluded me for a few seconds. If his father knew, then he might grasp the delicacy of
the situation.
"Yes, but it is imperative that you not tell anybody."
My voice announced this with forceful clarity, like a teacher reprimanding a child.
Jacob held his hands up in defense, "Hey, I got the same thing from my dad, you can trust me."
"I'm sorry Jacob, but I barely know you. At the moment I have no trust in you simply because we have no existing friendship."
He nodded in agreement, "Yeah, I understand. I take no offense to it."
"Good, because I didn't mean any."
I carried the finished sandwiches to the living room, leaving one behind for Jacob.
The rest of the night went pretty fast, Billy only stayed to finish his dinner and shortly afterwards, he excused himself along with Jacob. Charlie stayed in the living room watching
the game, while I went back to the kitchen to wash the plates.
I was met with a little surprise by the sink. A small folded note had been left there.
I quickly put all the plates in the sink and read the note:
It was nice meeting you. Please come over soon, my dad wouldn't stop telling me how important it is for you to come. –Jacob
Below that was the address for their house in La Push. I shoved the note into my back pocket and distracted myself with the plates.
Since when had my brains gone missing?
I had deliberately told Jacob that I understood what his dad knew.
Once in bed, my mind would hardly shut itself off. It was a miracle that I managed to make myself fall asleep.
"What the hell Angela!"
It was lunch time on the Thursday that the whole dress shopping date thing was happening. I wouldn't have minded, were it not for the fact that in my hands I was holding an invite to the Girls' Choice Dance.
"You know that I don't dance!"
She simply sighed and gave me a sheepish smile.
"Sorry. It was Jessica's idea first. Did you know that she has devious powers of persuasion?"
"What? Wait no, I don't care. Angela, you know I can't go to this thing! I already turned Mike down with the excuse that I was not going. At all!"
"Mike… doesn't Jessica hate me because Mike is delusionaly attracted to me?"
She was visibly hesitant to answer, "Well, at first she did. But then I'm guessing you rejected him pretty badly because he practically launched himself at Jessica, so now its like she loves you or something."
"So you two conspired against me and my safety?"
"Oh, don't be so dramatic, it's just a dance."
"Angela I'm not going." Not to mention, that I just couldn't go. With each passing night, the marks on my face kept glowing brighter; to the point where they could actually shine through the make up that I now had to wear to bed.
"Oh come on, Jessica and I bought that for you!"
"And, I really am grateful for what you guys are doing for me, but I really can't go. I'll pay you both back."
Her shoulders slumped, "Ok, but you can't say that I didn't try to convince you to come. So
you can t blame me when you regret it."
I gave her a small, and hopefully not guilty, smile. "I'm still on for the shopping though."
The rest of the lunch hour passed by in silence. Angela didn't look fazed by what I told her, but I couldn't help but feel guilty that she went as far to get me an invite which I had to refuse. Before we left to our respective classes, I stopped her,
"Hey, I'm sorry that I won't go, it's just that I—"
"Don't dance. I know, but you could still come, who knows, you might even have a good time."
"I'll think about it. Hey, so you think that I could just go by myself to the hospital? You and Jessica could meet me there instead."
She looked at me strangely for a second, appearing hesitant to talk.
"Bella are you okay?"
How could I answer convincingly? It was becoming harder for me to lie lately, mainly because I had so much to hide. I couldn't help but feel like everyone who knew me, knew how to stare into my soul.
I gave her a smile, which I hope was convincing, "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"I- I don't know, you just seem kind of- weird, I guess."
"I promise, I'm fine."
I could tell that she didn't take too well to my lies. But there was nothing else I could do. The truth was that I shouldn't have let myself get too close to people. Angela was a good person, she didn't deserve the danger that I could bring.
The rest of the day was pretty ordinary, well, as ordinary as it could be. I decided to confront Edward about his incessant staring.
The whole class was spent with me trying as best I could to focus on the lesson, and with Edward staring intently at me. His chair was as far away from me as possible, as usual.
Slowly, Mr. Banner's voice became nothing more than a monotonous drone, as I began to wait for Edward to stop violating my privacy with his eyes.
Something in me burst. I ripped out a sheet of paper from my notebook, and scribbled furiously across the first line:
(Bella/ Edward)
Is there a reason as to why you have been following me these past few weeks?
I couldn't be blunter. Then again, subtleness was useless to me when something was frustrating me. In a matter of seconds, I had thrown the paper across the table to Edward.
A frown distorted his features after he read it, and in less time than it should have taken him, the paper was in front of me.
You must excuse my confusion; I have no idea what you mean.
Irritating. Just irritating. Yet I couldn't blame him, I knew he was hiding something, and so was I.
Please don't play dumb with me Edward, I've run into you more times than could be called normal, and you're always staring at me, or in my general direction.
His response was swift and just as infuriating.
I still don't know what you mean.
Stifling a groan, I quickly responded.
Whatever. Just stop it okay? It really makes me feel uncomfortable.
Though my temper hadn't flared yet, I was very close to fuming with annoyance and frustration.
Fine.
Was that what I thought it was? An admission of sorts? Maybe it was time to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Are you admitting to having stared at me for lengthy periods of time?
Probably.
What sort of response is that? It's a simple yes or no. Are you or are you not admitting to it?
Probably.
Seriously. What have you got to hide?
You're one to talk.
Damn. He got me there.
Fair enough.
For the record, the answer is yes, and it will stop immediately.
I smiled at my victory. Not in a gloating kind of way. I was just glad that he trusted me enough to tell me the truth about this one matter.
Thank you.
The question is though, what have you to hide?
I pushed the note away as if it was something virulent, and looked at Edward, who looked back at me with a questioning gaze. Not wanting to remain locked into his eyes for long, I turned for the note and responded.
I can't tell.
Bella I'm not stupid, I just want to help. Are you still getting hurt? And what about the marks on your skin?
My stomach dropped. How could he see? It was impossible for anyone else to notice. Most importantly of all, how could make him keep a secret?
Are you willing to explain to me, why the handle to the office door was molded into the form of your hand, on my first day here? Or why your eyes can change from gold to pitch black in seconds?
You are very observant.
There's more, but I don't want to get into it. Are you going to explain?
I can't.
So we understand each other.
Fine, but the offer I extended to you two weeks ago still stands. If you ever need anything, feel free to ask me.
Obviously his offer roughly translated to: "I'll continue watching closely and will barge into your life the moment I can".
I can't make myself trust you.
I threw the paper back to Edward and raised my hand, "May I go to the restroom?"
My truck was underwater. The torrential rain nearly blocked my view of the solitary street in front of me. The sky was almost as dark as night. Only one thought possessed my mind: I was severely compromised. Ditching the rest of biology was decidedly the best decision I had ever made since arriving in Forks.
After Edwards revelation about my marks, it was necessary to get as far away from him as possible and make a plan of action (though I had no idea where to start). I had walked into the office to excuse myself for the rest of the day, claiming that I had therapy for my feigned condition when the secretary looked up and exclaimed "Oh, just the person I needed. Your father just called. Your mom's waking."
With that, I turned and ran in the other direction, yelling "Excuse me for the rest of the day!" over my shoulder.
Leading me to the underwater world I was attempting to drive through, though I could barely call it driving. It was more like careening down a street half submerged in water. My truck's speed limit was being pushed to the maximum and I sincerely hoped one of the tires wouldn't slip and direct the truck to the nearest tree.
Could it be that my mother was actually safe? Immediately I recalled the nightmare and the painting. I saw myself in that dark street, racing to make my mother come with me. Her pale face as her eyes snapped open showing nothing but whites. Of the painting, I remembered nothing but the creature that carried her away into a stormy sky. Almost immediately I felt my stomach drop. This could very well be the end of it all.
I didn't want to be alone.
She just couldn't leave me here. Not when so much seemed to be in danger of being exposed.
Another car's headlights blinded me, as the van rounded the curb which my dad dubbed the most dangerous curb in the United States. The sound of a horn nearly eradicated my sense of hearing…
I realized two things:
It had absolutely no control on the wet pavement.
I was right in the middle of its path of destruction.
My body reacted as if it was about to drown. I sucked in air as if it was the last breath I was ever going to take. My knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. In a snap decision, I jerked the wheel to the left, which sent my body colliding with the door, and the truck off the road, speeding directly into a tree. The force of the crash threw my body forward. My head practically bounced off the dash. The pain made me dizzy and I felt a certain warmth sliding down my forehead. My vision was obstructed by black spots.
Nothing about the world made any sense anymore.
I just thought about how grateful I was that the seat belt saved my life, and how my mother would still be worried sick. Through the haze I saw that my attempts at avoiding the van had failed. In a matter of seconds I knew I was going to be sandwiched between clumps of metal.
I really wanted to see my mother.
My shoulders hunched and I braced myself for the impact of the van.
But it never came.
Someone literally materialized between my truck and the van. The screeching tires made the pain in my head mount.
"No!" my voice sounded slurred, I couldn't even talk. The force of the crash made me hit my head again. I lost the will power to stay awake. Vague awareness told me that I was lying on my side across the seat. The stench of blood assaulted my nostrils. The screeching and the crushing occurring outside faded, while the black spots grew in my vision. The passenger door opened…
"Bella please stay with me!"
"Huh?"
"Stay awake!"
My head was being cradled in a strong pair of hands. My vision was gone.
"Bella can you hear me?"
My body sank like a rock into the darkest chaos…
Did you like it? or totally hate it? Regardless, make your thoughts known when you review this chapter! The second part should follow within the week.
