Part 8
Author's note: the song in this chapter is "Forgiven" by Within Temptation. Not mine, sadly enough.
When they got home after dinner, John and Harold changed clothes and settled themselves in the office next to Ashlyn's new bedroom to talk while she went in, changed into something better suited to an evening in, and began unpacking all the new clothes and shoes. She had plenty of space in the big closet, dresser, and chest of drawers her "uncle" had provided so she made use of it. Shortly after she'd started, she decided to make use of the IPod port that was part of the radio, softly so it didn't disturb the men in the other room, but she wanted some music.
Her mother had gotten her a few CDs and an IPod before she died and Ashlyn had made sure to keep them carefully hidden from her step-father, but she'd been assured by John that she could play whatever she wanted and he would buy her more over the next couple of weeks. Plugging the small gadget in and turning everything on, she took a deep breath and let it out as her music began, soothing her with the various melodies she'd loaded into the playlist. After several songs, the sound of a piano playing a haunting tune started; one of her absolute favorites, and she began to softly sing along.
Couldn't save you from the start
Loved you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Oh, time has passed you by
Ooo, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am, left in silence
The men had heard the music playing quietly in the background and smiled at each other, pleased she was comfortable enough with them to use it while all three were in the home. When one song faded and another started, John's voice fell silent as his daughter's lifted softly.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
Realizing he'd lost the other man, Harold focused on the music playing in the other room and it dawned on him how perfectly the song fit his friend's life with Jessica as well as Ashlyn's loss of her mother.
I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I knew it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away
Ooo, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Ooo, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
Here I am, left in silence
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
Rising, John abandoned the office to stand in the doorway of his daughter's room, watching her in silence as she folded clothing with her back to the entrance. Unaware that she was being observed and how her voice gained more power as the lyrics swept over her, Ashlyn paused in her occupation, closing her eyes as the song took over.
I've been so lost since you've gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
The music gradually grew softer as the piano played the final measures. Father and daughter each sighed deeply as they were released from the spell of the song.
Ashlyn picked up the shorts she'd just folded and turned to put them in the chest when she saw the big man standing in the door to her room watching her, tears slipping down his handsome face. The clothing fell to the floor, unnoticed by either of them, and myriad emotions flickered across her face as she stared at him. Fear that he was angry at her for disturbing him, anguish that he'd overheard her singing such a poignant song, and sorrow for the grief she saw laid bare in his dark blue eyes.
Hesitantly, unsure of his thoughts and reactions, the teenager crept across her room towards him. He let her come, unmoving as a mountain, until she was only a couple of steps away, and then he opened his arms to her. Ashlyn stepped into them, for once without a hint of fear in her heart; her only thought at that moment was to offer him consolation for his heartache. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she felt one strong arm fold across her back while his free hand came up to cradle her head to his chest.
John stroked his hand over the girl's loose black hair as he rested his cheek on the crown of her head, tears continuing to fall as he closed his eyes. Something about that song, being sung by his only child, brought all the pain out and forced him to examine it closely; and in the study, he felt it start to ease. Just a little, but it didn't seem quite as sharp and stabbing as it had just a week ago.
A warm hand lightly gripped his shoulder and released to pat a couple of times when he nodded acknowledgement. Harold's way of expressing his sympathy before he made his halting way out the door and to his car for the return trip to the library. He'd be back the next afternoon to check on them and have lunch, but for now he left them to bond over a shared loss.
He was surprised in part by how at ease Ashlyn was in his embrace; it was as if she'd lost all fear of him, though he didn't hold out much hope of that. More than likely, her deep innate sense of compassion drew her to want to help him with his overwhelming distress. She was so like her mother in that respect.
He gradually loosened his hold on her, thankful she'd allowed the prolonged embrace, and she lifted her head to look up at him, green eyes brimming with her own tears of loss and empathy. He brought one hand up to lightly cup her cheek as his thumb brushed away the moisture and he smiled lovingly.
"I don't know who recorded that particular song, but I'd like to send them a thank you card for it," his voice rougher than normal and still just as soft.
"A band called Within Temptation. Kind of weird for them to have a song like that when much of what they sing is considered gothic metal or synthetic rock."
"If you like them, I'll buy you every CD they've ever made and take you to a concert of your choice," he vowed.
She gave a weak laugh, "That might be difficult since they generally only tour in Europe."
"Then find out where they're playing, pick a place, and we'll fly to Europe to hear them."
Ashlyn smiled up at him, "You're determined to spoil me, aren't you?"
"Completely rotten, anything and everything your heart desires. I have a lot of years to make up for."
She shook her head, "I don't need, or want, you to try to make up for the time we've missed."
John looked deeply into her eyes as his hands moved to rest lightly on her shoulders, "What do you want, or need, from me, Ashlyn? Honestly?"
She met his gaze squarely and without flinching for once, "I need you to be my father. I want you to be there for me from now on, to protect me when I need it, to let me make mistakes so I can learn and grow, to teach me what I need to know…and I need you to…to…to love me. My mother was the only person in my entire life who loved me and I lost her. I want to be your daughter and have the chance to love you, too."
He pulled her back into his arms and she rested her ear over his heart, listening to the strong, steady, reassuring beat, "I do love you, Ashlyn, and more than anything, I want to connect to my daughter and be your father. I know we have a rough road ahead of us, but we'll get through it together. Deal?"
"Deal," she whispered tightening her arms around his waist.
The next morning, John was up early as usual, pulled on his jogging clothes, left a note for his still sleeping offspring, and bounced out the door. He ran several miles, relishing in the stretching of strong muscles as he set a smooth pace, until he worked his way back to his neighborhood. He stopped in a small shop and picked up coffee for himself, hot chocolate for Ashlyn, and breakfast for both to carry home. He heard the shower shut off as he closed the door and called out to the girl so she would know he was back and not be startled.
A few minutes later, she appeared in the dining area where he was setting things out, "Good morning."
"Good morning, sweetheart, how did you sleep last night?"
"Not bad," she told him honestly. "I only remember having one nightmare, but it wasn't a really bad one."
He handed over her cup, "You know if you need me, I'll come down, right?"
She nodded as she sniffed her chocolate eagerly, "I know, and I'll try to call if I need you; it's just kind of hard to get used to."
"I know."
They ate breakfast together, looking out the windows and commenting on people that passed by below. John took the opportunity to point out particular things he noticed about certain individuals: the way one woman hugged her purse to her chest as she walked (she'd been a victim of a purse-snatcher and feared it happening again despite John returning the purse to her and handing the perpetrator over to Fusco), the young man on the corner who pretended to be selling newspapers when he was actually selling crack (John would be removing him from the area shortly), the two kids playing the park across the way (should have been in school and kept an eye out for parents and police), and the food vendor who did slow but steady business throughout the day and had a hidden cash compartment built into the side of the cart he slipped money into on a regular basis (he'd been robbed by a guy a couple of months ago and after John had returned the money to him he'd also assisted him in putting the stash in place). He wanted the girl to be aware of the pulse of the neighborhood and what to watch for if she were to go out on her own.
"So how many bad guys have you removed from around here in the last couple of months?"
"Not nearly as many as I did when I first moved in," he smirked. "We only have a problem once or twice a month anymore."
She laughed, "Gee, I wonder why that could be?"
"I think they just decide to move onto greener, and easier, pastures. Hard to make a living on the suffering of others when you're the one being made to suffer."
Ashlyn just shook her head, "I'm just glad you're not only willing to do things like that for others, but obviously very able."
He rose to throw trash away, "Hopefully you won't have to see me in action any time soon; I want you to get over your fear of me, not make it worse."
Ducking her head slightly in acknowledgment of that fact, she quietly said, "I hope that won't be an issue too much longer."
Coming over to her and pressing a soft kiss on her bowed head, John pulled the towel she'd wrapped around her hair free, "Did you leave any hot water for me?"
Insulted, her eyes flashed up to meet his, "Since there are two water heaters, of course I did! I don't use that much anyway when I shower!"
Grinning, he danced away from her and lightly snapped the end of the towel at her so it let out a crack. Green eyes narrowed as she slipped from her seat and began maneuvering around the room trying to avoid getting tagged by the towel and at the same time attempting to get a grip on it. John stealthily stalked her, never getting too close, always making sure the towel never actually made contact with her, but he was very deft at making it crack loudly. Ashlyn got behind one of the chairs and feinted to the left so that when John tried to snap it on her right, she was able to grab it without warning.
Surprised that she'd managed to trick him, John lost his hold and his triumphant teenager turned the tables on him and chased him around with it until she had herded him to the base of the stairs. Once there, she gave the towel one last quick snap and started laughing, "Now you can get up there and take a shower."
He tried to look severe and failed because he was so relieved she'd enjoyed their game, "Are you implying that I stink, young lady?"
"Nope," she responded as she headed for her room to change for the day, "I'm telling you that you stink!"
John laughed all the way up the steps and into his bathroom at her growing audacity.
Opening the passenger's side car door, John held out his hand to the girl and smiled when she latched onto it like a lifeline, "It's going to be alright, you know. Dr. Patti is a nice person, easy to talk to, and someone I think you'll like."
The door to the large ranch-style home opened and a thirty something year old woman stepped out onto the porch to greet them, "Good morning and welcome."
"Morning, Dr. Patti. Thank you for agreeing to help us out. This is my daughter, Ashlyn; sweetheart, this is Dr. Patti Saulson."
Hesitantly, the teen offered the hand that wasn't wrapped around her father's like a boa constrictor, "Pleased to meet you, Dr. Saulson."
The woman gently shook her hand, "Dr. Patti is fine, Ashlyn, and it's so nice to meet you, too." Her look encompassed both of them as she gestured to the open door, "Please, come in and make yourselves comfortable; would you like something to drink?"
"No, thank you," Ashlyn was afraid if she drank something it might make a reappearance once it hit her nervous stomach. John just shook his head.
The doctor led them to her private office and closed the door even though they were the only ones in the house. It tended to make her patients more comfortable when the door was shut because it meant no one could stand in the hallway and overhear if another person came in. She motioned for them to take whatever seat they preferred as she lowered her slightly heavy set frame to her favorite chair. John sat at one end of the couch facing her and his daughter huddled into his side.
Patti asked them to explain the circumstances that had brought them to her and listened attentively as the military man walked her through it. As her father talked, Ashlyn studied the other female from under her thick lashes. The woman was about thirty pounds overweight, but she seemed comfortable in her own skin. Her light brown hair just brushed her shoulders and her kindly eyes were blue/grey in color. Her voice was soothing when she spoke and she tended to avoid the use of clinical terms with her patients so they could follow what she said easier.
"So," the doctor started when John concluded the story, "it sounds like you've had a very rough go of things growing up, Ashlyn, and for that I'm so very sorry. I was abused as a child by my father and was terrified of men for years, almost to the point of not being able to be in the same room with one without another woman present."
This caught the girl's attention and she sat up more to look directly at the woman, "Really? What did you do? How did you get over it?"
"Practice, patience, confidence, and understanding. I found a psychiatrist who worked intensively with me until I was able to work my way past the trauma and become the person I am today."
"And now you help others with their fears?"
"Yes, I found such peace after my sessions with my own doctor that I followed in her footsteps so I could help others find the same tranquility."
Hesitantly, the youngster asked, "Do you think you can help me?"
A soft laugh broke free from Patti, "Oh, child, you are not nearly as far gone as you think you are. I don't believe that you will need a lot of sessions with me before you're ready to go on your own."
"Really?" came the incredulous response. "Why do you think that?"
She leaned forward slightly, "John said that you had been abused by your step-father and an uncle, and now that you have him in your life, you're terrified of him due to his size and strength, right?" Ashlyn nodded. "Do you realize that from the moment you got out of the car, you haven't let go of his hand? And when he sat down, you planted yourself right next to him. He may intimidate you at times and you may actually fear him in some aspects, but you're already attached and see him as your protector."
Looking down at her hands, she realized Patti was right; she was still clinging to him like a barnacle and had sat right beside him on the couch. Her instincts told her that he wouldn't let anything happen to her while they were in the doctor's house and she trusted him to take care of her. Maybe she wasn't as damaged as she had believed. She lifted her eyes to meet the dark blue gaze of the big man next to her and found him smiling at her with love and tenderness.
She returned his smile and rested the side of her head against his shoulder as she faced the doctor again, "So where do we start?"
Patti gave her a bright grin, "Let me ask you a question: how would you feel if I asked John to step out into the hall for about fifteen minutes while you and I talk one on one?"
Ashlyn's breathing suspended for a minute before she slowly straightened up and released his hand, "I can do that."
The dark haired man studied her face before he eased to his feet, "Good girl, sweetheart; I'll be out in the hallway." As he closed the door behind him, he made eye contact with his daughter and winked.
Another smile quirked the teen's lips at the wink before she rested her hands in her lap and faced the doctor, ready for the next step, "What would you like to know?"
The woman was nodding at her, "Your actions just spoke volumes, child. I can see that despite the fact he can be scary to you, he's already stepped past the role every other man in your life has held. They were the ones who were frightening because of their actions or their words. John, on the other hand, looks daunting, but I'll bet he's treated you with nothing but gentleness and love in the week you've been with him."
"You'd win that bet. He's been…well, everything I always wanted in a dad; someone who could scare the monsters away with a look while holding me close and safe. I know that he's a one man killing machine and that anyone who tried to hurt me would end up in serious pain if they ever woke up from the coma he'd put the in, and that's if they survived once he got a hold of them. But he's also promised never to lie to me; he said that he'd teach me self-defense and how to handle weapons." Ashlyn looked down as her hands when the tears welled up, "And he knew my mom. He talks about her sometimes to me, things about their time together." A hiccupping sob broke through, "I can tell that it hurts him so much to even bring her up, but he does it anyway because he wants me to know about her when she was younger."
Patti handed the teen a box of tissue, "John is a remarkable man, Ashlyn, and he's determined that you know everything he can tell you about your mom so you have a more complete picture of her."
"But I can see how much he hurts and I don't know how to comfort him!" the girl wailed.
The doctor tensed, anticipating an enraged grizzly bear coming through the door in defense of his child and was surprised when he didn't. "Ashlyn, you're the child and he's the parent. It's his job to take care of you, not the other way around. Didn't your mother take care of you, put band aids on scrapes, bring you soup when you were sick, teach you about life and growing up?"
Long black hair tumbled around the teen's face as she shook her head, "Mom was too busy trying to keep her husband from beating the crap out of either of us to the point she took the brunt of things. I was handed over to teachers for schooling or sent to my room to keep me away from him as much as possible. When she could, mom would talk to me about things, but mostly it was trying to make sure I kept my head down. I was the one who tried to take care of her when he hurt her." The tears flowed heavily as she recounted to the doctor her mother's final morning before being murdered and how she'd dressed Jessica's arm and used cool compresses to help with the bruising.
"I'm so sorry that you had to face that, Ashlyn; no child should have to witness the things you did or live in fear that they might be next." Her voice firmed, "But things are going to be different now. Your father has found you and I can already see that he's determined to take care of you come hell or high water. He already adores you and will do everything in his considerable power to make sure you're safe, but you are going to have to learn to talk to him about your wants and needs so he doesn't make decisions for you. John is a 'take-charge' type of personality and if you don't make him stop once in a while to listen to what you have to say, you'll never get over your fear of him and you'll never be your own person. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, but how do I do that when I'm afraid if I make him mad he might hit me?"
"And there we have the crux of the problem with you fear. Your step-father used to hit you, correct?" Ashlyn nodded. "But he was a lot smaller than John, wasn't he?"
"Yes, he was about five foot ten and a hundred and fifty pounds."
"Where as John is easily six foot two and about thirty pounds heavier."
"Yes."
"So because John is so much bigger, he works out regularly, he's been in the military, he's been trained to kill in a large number of ways, and he can be terrifying as hell when he wants to be, he can do a lot more damage to you if he decides to blow a gasket."
She began shredding a tissue as she whispered, "Yes."
"Now, do you truly believe in your heart, not what your brain may be saying, but your heart, that he would ever do you any type of harm, physical, mental, emotional?"
"No."
"You didn't hesitate there at all," Patti commented.
Ashlyn nodded, still making confetti, "My heart says to trust him because he would never hurt me in any way."
"And you're having problems listening to only your heart." The teen nodded again. "Without stopping to think about what my question means, I want you to just answer it with whatever comes out when I ask." Another nod as the girl looked up curiously. "The thing I fear most about my father is…?"
"He's going to leave me like mom did." Green eyes went wide with horror as the truth of that statement penetrated. She didn't truly fear John for his size and power, she feared him because she was convinced he would eventually leave her like Jessica had. "Oh, my god."
"There's our breakthrough. I want you to think about that for a few minutes while I go out to the hall and talk to your father, okay?" The young woman nodded mutely as she stared into space.
