Before you get confused and wonder why I suddenly changed styles, let me tell you this; I didn't, you're crazy. I only wrote this in revenge for a hilariously random story my friend wrote :P Don't think too much into it, but if you go into my favorite stories from my profile, you'll find one called "Code Fiction". Go to the last chapter, and let the games begin!
RESIDENT EVIL
INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO
Somewhere off the coast of wherever Rockfort Island is...
"Well hello there, children, and thank you for watching our awesome series of instructional videos! Today, we're going to learn five important lessons! With us today is the awesomely annoying and slightly psychotic wonder; Miss Alexia Ashford! Don't be shy, dear, say hello!"
Alexia looks at the camera and smiles, then waves. "Hi."
"Shut up, dear, nobody cares. Alright, on with the lessons!"
Alexia huffs.
"Lesson number one; fire safety."
Alexia screams as her arms ignite in flames.
"When playing with fire, you have to remember to always have a handy bucket of water in case something goes wrong."
Alexia looks around, spotting a metal bucket. She runs over and quickly dunks her arms inside.
"Also, always make sure that your bucket is in fact water, and not a strange unknown substance. Like, say, gasoline?"
Alexia starts screaming louder as the flames spread.
"Of course, the bucket is of no use if you're on an island surrounded by water."
Alexia quickly runs and jumps off the cliff, into the water. She sighs in relief when the flames are killed.
"Which brings us to lesson number two; water safety. If you're swimming in unknown waters, always make sure to have an adult or experienced swimmer around, in case you have cramps or something bad happens. Like, say, a shark?"
Alexia feels something biting at her foot and looks down, seeing shark fins all around her. "FFFUU-"
"Look up, dear, there's a highly experienced swimmer up on the cliff!"
She looks up to see Claire Redfield watching the scene, and feels relieved.
"Which leads to lesson number three; making friends. Always be nice to those around you, and never toy with their lives, because you might one day need to rely on them."
Claire turns and walks away from the edge of the cliff, leaving Alexia in the water with one foot already missing.
"Aw, isn't that sad? Now, we've made a video in the past which explained about the dangers of landmines, so today our fourth lesson will consist of sea-mines. Lucky for us, Alexia is already near one."
Alexia blinks and sticks her head under water. Behind the shark that was currently chewing off her second foot, she saw a weird metal ball floating. The shark's tail hit it and it exploded, sending Alexia flying out of the water and into the sky.
"Wow, that was quite a blowout, was it not? For our final lesson..."
Alexia falls back down to the ground, missing two feet and her arms horribly burnt.
"We have miss Claire Redfield coming in for a second guest appearance, to help elaborate the importance of lesson number five."
Claire walks up to Alexia, looks down, and pulls out a crowbar. "The final lesson is; Don't fuck with the Redfields."
Alexia screams in pain as the crowbar breaks every bone in her body.
"Lovely!"
Claire's Apartment...
Claire looked at the computer screen, leans back in her chair, and smiles with satisfaction. Alexia had posted a similar story about her on the internet, and she'd decided that two could play at that game. She grinned and saved the file, then went on to post it to her own profile of stories.
"Take that, bitch! Hmm, I wonder what's for dinner..."
"PIZZA!" yelled Chris from the other room.
"Oh wow, two-for!" she said, uploading the story, saving, and running to the kitchen.
