The baby's arrival was steadily approaching, and I was beside myself with excitement. Not only because I would finally be able to hold my first child, but because I could finally have my body back. I had no idea whether or not pregnancy was supposed to be so taxing on the body or if this baby needed more sustenance because of its demon blood. Either way, I just wanted it out of my body. My back was constantly in pain, I still felt very tired all the time and heaven forbid I drop anything on the floor, because retrieving it was a task I never felt up to.
"Rin, stop looking so miserable!" Jaken said to me one afternoon. I hadn't realized I was looking despondent, but I found it all too ironic that the king of pissing and moaning had tried to rectify my attitude.
"Ha, why don't you try carrying another living thing inside of you for months on end and tell me how good it makes you feel, Jaken."
"You should feel honored to be carrying Lord Sesshomaru's child!" He shook his skinny finger at me disapprovingly. "Surely when you produce a healthy son, you'll see that all of this trivial discomfort that you're enduring now was worthwhile."
There was one thing that I did like about being pregnant – when I put my hands on my round tummy, and I could feel the baby kicking and moving around inside. I don't know - it kind of made me think that they were as anxious to meet me as I was to meet them.
"Daughter..."
"Hm? What was that, Rin?" Jaken asked, blinking repeatedly in confusion.
"You said I was going to have a healthy son, but the baby is a girl."
Unfortunately, he did not seem as convinced. "Really...and just how do you know that?"
"Well Jaken, how do you know that the child is a boy?"
He was quite stumped by that response. "Well, I suppose there is no way to know for certain. But that is what most would hope for, is it not?"
I shrugged. "I just know that it's a girl. And when she grows up, she'll be a sweet little girl who loves her Uncle Jaken!"
It tickled me to see Jaken shudder at hearing himself referred to as an uncle. But I believed everything I said. Even though he was always grumpy and annoying, I even had a soft spot in my heart for Jaken and considered him part of my family.
"Oh, milord! There you are!"
Sesshomaru's footsteps were always so light. I hadn't even noticed that he was standing right behind me.
"Why are you always trying to sneak up on me, huh?" I said, smiling over my shoulder. I turned around and was greeted by a gentle kiss on the forehead.
"Ugh...spare me." I heard Jaken mutter under his breath. Neither I nor Sesshomaru paid him any attention as he scurried off to avoid us.
"Sesshomaru!" I said, enthusiastically grabbing his hand. "We have to think of a name for the baby!"
He raised an eyebrow in confusion. "So soon? Hm...I suppose I'll leave that to you."
"What? Nooo, I want you to choose a name! C'mon, I'm sure you can think of a pretty name for a little girl."
"Well, I suppose." We started to walk together towards the courtyard. It didn't take him long at all to come up with a name.
"Setsuna."
"'Setsuna'...?" I shook my head in disapproval.
"Do you dislike that name?"
"Sesshomaru, that's ugly!"
"I don't think so. It sounds beautiful, but deadly."
I snickered. "So you want your daughter to be a beautiful, cold-blooded killer?"
He cracked a half-smile that was so characteristic of him. "Just like her father."
"I'm hoping she gets some of your humility too." I said sarcastically, playfully shoving him.
On the outside I probably seemed pretty at ease, but the truth was that there was something that had been eating away at me for months. I didn't want to dampen the mood, I knew what I had to say might upset him, but I had to get it off of my chest.
"Sesshomaru, do you remember the day I realized I was with child?"
He nodded.
"Well, Inuyasha was very upset when he heard the news, and I just wonder why. It's been bothering me ever since..."
"Why are you concerned with my idiot brother's opinion?" There was an evident change in his tone. "He is always angry and boisterous, and he's never been fond of me. Why pay attention to any of his tantrums?"
"But if anything I figured he'd be indifferent. He was livid, Sesshomaru." I couldn't allow myself to think that Inuyasha was so upset because he thought Sesshomaru forced himself onto me. Not that I thought Inuyasha didn't care for me, but I couldn't see how such a thing could make him that angry.
Then, it dawned on me. Inuyasha, just like the little girl inside me, was a hanyou. And because of that he'd endured prejudice from humans and demons alike, including the one standing next to me. How must he have felt knowing that his brother, who constantly condemned him for being a hanyou, was now fathering one? Bitter, I imagine. He probably felt as though Sesshomaru was being audacious, that he was undeserving.
"Sesshomaru," I said softly. "You know this child of ours will be a hanyou..."
"Obviously..."
The tone he was taking annoyed me. "What I want to know is if that will get in the way of you caring for her."
"Why would you ask me such a thing?"
"Because I need to know that you're capable of having a child who is half-human Sesshomaru." I said, placing a hand on my stomach. "Once she's born, this little girl is going to be stuck halfway between two worlds. That isn't something I'm certain you can empathize with. Not to mention, you haven't been so accepting of hanyou in the past."
He seemed offended when I said this, though I wasn't sure why – he knew I was telling the truth.
"Of course I'm able to accept my own child."
"Oh, I see, so in order for a hanyou to be worthy of respect, they need to be your child." I shook my head. "That's a bit conceited, don't you think?"
"Rin, what is the meaning of all this? Where is all of this coming from?"
I was so frustrated I wanted to lash out. It was clear that I was getting to him, but he still stood there as calm as composed as he ever was. I wasn't even sure what I was hoping to achieve. I didn't want him to yell at me, I didn't even want to fight at all. I suppose I just wanted him to at least seem like he gave a damn about this child. But I should've known better than anyone that Sesshomaru was never one for being expressive. It never meant he didn't care.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. It's just...I'm worried, Sesshomaru...so worried." After all of that I just felt exhausted, and I was no longer interested in feeding koi.
"Rin..."
I started to make my way back to the bedroom, when Sesshomaru's hand grabbed my wrist.
"You have nothing to worry about...understand?"
I looked over my shoulder, and into his eyes, seeing something in them that lifted my spirits.
"Yes," I nodded, smiling. "I understand."
I always remember the night that Setsuna was born as 'the day when the sun defeated the rain and stars'.
That evening, Sesshomaru and Jaken had wandered off somewhere, while I was left alone in our home. I hadn't anticipated going into labor anytime soon, but then again, babies don't usually send announcements of their arrival, now do they?
I moved as fast as my body would allow around the house, looking for things I would need to get through this birth – a small knife, linens...I helped delivered three babies in the past, I was certain that I could deliver my own baby by myself.
Although I was confident in my abilities, I was still somewhat nervous. The storm raging outside certainly wasn't helping. It was difficult to focus on keeping my breathing at a steady rhythm while claps of thunder loud enough to shake the house sounded every few seconds, startling me.
I set one blanket underneath myself to catch any gore, and sat with my back propped against the wall and my legs spread apart. It was an awkward and uncomfortable position. I thought about the irony of how being posed in a similar manner was what eventually led to me having to be stuck in such a position in the first place. Laughing at my own crude humor did not help me at all in that situation. The pain worsened and breathing became more strenuous.
After what seemed like hours had passed, I finally felt the urge to push. Whenever I did, it felt as though nothing was happening, but I knew better and knew that I had to keep on going. As I began to walk the fine line between consciousness and unconsciousness, I cursed my frail body. I had survived too many things in my lifetime to die before I met my firstborn. I struggled to hold on as I forced my body to push once more.
Then I heard it...the softest of cries.
I quickly reached for the spare linens, using one to clean her off a bit, and the other to swaddle her. Yes...her...a little girl just as I knew she would be.
After I carefully cut the cord with the small knife, I wrapped her in the blanket, eager to hold her little body close to me. Her silver hair was so soft, just like the tiny dog ears that poked out of it. I wanted to see her pretty eyes so badly, but in that moment she wouldn't open them for me.
"It's nice to finally meet you, Setsuna." I said softly, smiling as I rocked my daughter back and forth in my arms.
Outside the storm continued to rage on, but I paid it no mind, for inside I saw nothing but the sun. For the longest time I could say with confidence that Sesshomaru was my first true love. But as I looked at the baby sleeping in my arms, I knew that was no longer true. I was in love with being a mother...I was in love with that little girl.
"Rin!"
Lost in her own thoughts, Rin hadn't even noticed that Sesshomaru and Jaken had both returned. Both of them were damp from the rain, I even noticed Jaken sniffling a bit. He was always such a frail little thing.
The little bundle I was holding caught the attention of both of them.
"Rin..." Jaken repeated my name. "Is that really...? Did you really?!"
"Jaken, meet Setsuna." I smiled proudly as I lifted the baby up for him to see. I felt bad for giggling as the little imp's lip quivered and tears formed in his eyes.
"Milord..." Jaken said, facing the baby, but obviously speaking to Sesshomaru. "The child is so beautiful! She certainly takes after you, milord, AUGH!"
Sesshomaru kicked Jaken out of the way and knelt down next to me. Looking in his eyes, I knew what he was thinking.
"I'm fine."
"I don't believe you." He responded, taking my face into his hand. He must have heard the weakness in my voice. I was indeed exhausted, but I knew I would be okay.
"Sesshomaru, everything is alright." I reassured him. Setsuna stirred in my arms, seeming displeased that the attention was no longer on her.
"I thought you didn't like the name that I chose."
"Well, it grew on me, how about that?" I smiled, not taking my eyes away from my baby. "This is your daddy, Setsuna." Sesshomaru took her from my arms and held her out awkwardly in front of him, as if she were a giant potato.
"Sesshomaru that is not how you hold a baby," I chuckled. "Here, let me help." I rearranged his arms so that he was cradling her, making sure that he was mindful of her head. It really was quite humorous to see this demon, who had been feared by many, gently holding a little baby. But at the same time it warmed my heart, fatherhood suited him well.
For the first time, Setsuna lifted her eyelids which, unsurprisingly, revealed bright golden eyes just like her father's. As both pairs of glowing eyes met, a tiny smile crept onto the little one's face.
"Look at that, she adores you already." I said, slightly jealous. "Isn't she beautiful?"
"Indeed, she is, not at all unlike her mother."
"Oh stop." I said, hiding my blushing face.
"I only speak the truth." He responded, not taking his eyes off of Setsuna. I thought I saw him return her smile, but it was always hard to catch Sesshomaru's evasive grins. "Rin, allow yourself to rest."
"Oh no, I'm okay." I said waving dismissively.
"That was not a request."
I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to be with my daughter, but I knew he was right. The evening had been long and rest was what I needed more than anything. Setsuna would be there when I awoke in the morning. As I faded into slumber, I imagined Setsuna taking her first steps, speaking her first words, putting on her first kimono...
"Rin..."
"Hm?" I uttered, only partially conscious.
"Thank you."
That's the last thing I remember hearing before losing my fight against sleep.
