Hello again! Yes, I'm back, and I have yet another chapter! So, so sorry for the long wait! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favored and alerted this story! It means a lot! Thank you all for also being patient with me! I will try my best to work faster! '^.^
Anyway, enjoy! I own nothing, sadly, but the plotline.
Chapter 8
Afraid and Alone
(Gen's POV)
Dammit...damn it all!
I did it again...I hit him...
I didn't want to see that...that thing...I never wanted to see that thing...ever again...
Yoshimori...
"Ah, damn it all to hell!" I yelled, not taking heed to the many stares I was receiving. Honestly, these people mean nothing to me, so they can stare all they want.
They only person who matters to me...the only one who truly knows about me, my past, my heart...is him.
And yet, he's always the one I lash out at most. Why?
Why do I keep doing that! Unless...unless I...
"No. Gen Shisho is never afraid. Never." I hissed to myself. I shook that ludicrous thought from my head and continued walking home. I only hope Yoshimori would still want to be around me after the second attack...
When I reached my apartment (and I had actually lost track of time, to be honest), I noticed that there was a lone piece of paper slid under my door. I arched my eyebrow in confusion. I had never gotten any type of mail until today, so this had to be a really corny joke.
But there's no harm in looking, right?
I picked it up, closing the door with my foot after me. The piece of paper was a note.
A note from Yoshimori.
It was basic. He wanted to meet me a block away from Karasumori in about an hour. He said he needed to talk to me, and he had a feeling he wouldn't want to do so at his place. The note wasn't signed with his name, but I could tell it was him.
I stared at the paper like I was holding a kitty in my hands. Why on earth would he want to meet me so far away?
'Scratch that. If that bastard would be at one place, it probably be there. But is this about what happened yesterday or is it something else?' I shook my head and tossed the note aside.
What I really wanted to know was when the hell did I get this note? I came back late after that little incident with Yoshimori, and it wasn't there when I left to beat myself up for what I did. So when did he...? I swear, I cannot figure out that boy sometimes.
I was beyond confused, but shrugged and decided to call it. Knowing Yoshimori, this wouldn't take so long-mainly because he'd be doing all the talking while I'd be sitting or standing there looking my usual self..
I looked at my phone. It was a little after three, so I figured I'd leave about ten minutes to four.
I threw down my books and bag and collapsed on my futon, looking at my messages with little interest. I didn't get anything from Masamori, so I guess he had something important to do.
Chief...Masamori...whenever I thought about it, it sounded...I don't know, weird. I mean, I knew Masamori's real name, but I had grown accustomed to calling him 'Chief.' That was just how it was. I didn't see the need to call him by his full name. Never did.
He was Chief to me, and for a long time, that's all I needed to know. How simple life used to be...in a way.
I never had to say anything more than my name. Gen. That's all others needed to know.
I sighed, turning on my side.
Then there was Yoshimori...who I can't ever recall using his nickname, Yoshi, or even his actual name more than once. I always called him Sumimura... and always tried my hardest to keep him out of my life, but that was before I realized just how much I...
I snapped my phone shut, put it under my pillow and turned so that I could lay on my back. I needed to really think about this.
I've always called Masamori 'Chief'. I've always called Tokine 'that Yukimura girl'. Before I began to fall in...love with Yoshimori, I've always called him 'Sumimura.'
I looked at my hand. I never told anyone other than Masamori...Chief...whichever...about my past. Then again, that jerk knew somehow! Never knew how, but then again, considering what I had done...
But no one knew. No one knew how lonely I felt as a child because I was always teased, always...tested. I mean, people knew I was different, but I've always wanted to be accepted in normal life. No one knew what I felt inside... lonely, alone... afraid.
I was afraid.
No one knew about what I had done to my only true childhood friend, my older sister, Ryo.
No one knew anything about me, only that I was creepy, silent and a loner.
No one knew...because I never told.
"And I never told anyone because...I'm...afraid." I whispered.
In the stillness of my apartment, I finally said it.
The reason I was so angry at Yoshimori was because I was afraid that I would hurt him. Afraid that I would force him away, force him to...hate me.
I'm afraid to hurt anymore people, yet I've gotten so used to curling into my defenses, no one really...sees that. They think I want to hurt others, that I want force people away, but I...I don't.
I know Yoshimori knows this... he's always had a clue, even before we talked to each other... I don't know how... guess that kid could just see good in people...
I gritted my teeth. I mean, I know what I want! I want to protect him, to protect Karasumori...I want to protect those I know, care about and love. I want to accept this...this thing inside me called a heart! I want others to know that I don't like hearing them crying out in pain!
And I...I don't want to see anymore people hurting because of me...because of what I am...
I curled up on my side, my eyes shut tight. And I could feel the dampness running across my nose.
'I'm so afraid to be hurt...so afraid that I'll hurt others...hurt Yoshimori...'
I don't want to be alone... I can't handle being alone!
Just then, something that Yoshimori said a while ago came back to me...
"I'll be patient...and I'll let you decide when you're ready to truly open your heart to me..."
I rested my hand over my chest. I remembered that night, even now. I don't think I'd ever forget that...I'd been so calm, so...glad. That night, I was finally able to help those I care about...and finally have someone who cared about me in return.
And I wondered if that was what scared me about opening up more to Yoshimori. Was I afraid I'd get rejected because of what I thought? Would I look weak to him?
I shook my head. All these jumping thoughts were beginning to give me a headache. I know the answer is simple- just tell Yoshimori how I feel.
My problem...is that I'm making it way harder than it needs to be. I'm doubting myself so much, I don't know what I should believe anymore.
Yoshimori believes in me, so why can't I believe in myself?
I sighed. Finding the answer to that was gonna be a lot more harder if I couldn't first accept my heart...that...thing... in all honesty, I was still getting used to it.
But how? How can I accept something that...that I also fear? How do I do that?
I don't think I can on my own...but with a bit more encouragement from that idiot...I think I can open up more to him...
I felt my heartbeats under my hand, and decided that I wouldn't be afraid. I was gonna be strong when I saw Yoshimori...and finally tell him everything.
I reached for my cell phone and checked the time. It was a quarter to four.
"Time to go see what he wants." I muttered to myself as I grabbed my phone and headed out.
