Phil finished up in the shower and further cleaned up a particularly bad slit in his forearm, near his wrist. He winced; he hadn't meant to cut so deep, but it was still bleeding. Sighing, Phil had no choice but to pull out a bandage and cover it up, hoping no one would notice it. All his long-sleeved pyjama shirts were in the wash, and he wore a jumper to bed. If anyone asked, he was feeling cold, and he was. Things had been different since he'd hesitantly moved the blade below his elbows, and he was starting to actually hope no one ever did find out. The sleeves came only halfway down his forearms; he didn't have to fear too much for his secret being revealed, but he still felt exposed, naked in full dress.

Dan hadn't called today, and when Phil had tried to call him, he didn't pick up. That hurt; he tried to not let it bother him, but that just wasn't going to happen. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about it, worried that Dan was finally giving up on the likes of him. He couldn't blame him; Dan was at least a thousand times better than Phil was, and he was probably sick of being held back. He was moving on to new friends and a new, more mature life at ten years old.

He stepped out of the bathroom, jumping back when a pair of arms was thrown around his shoulders. He tried to suppress a hiss at the stinging pain and process who it was that was… "Danny!" He choked a bit as he didn't hesitate to hug his friend back, tight as he could and never wanting to let go again.

Dan buried his face into Phil's sore shoulder, not knowing what lay beneath the thin cotton, literally right under his nose. "I missed you so much!" He pulled away but was still holding onto his friend's arms like his life depended on it. "I'm staying the weekend! My parents and your parents and Thomas arranged it and I'm gonna be here until Sunday!"

Phil could play ecstatic for now, and he really was very excited to be hanging out with his best friend. But if there was one person Phil could absolutely not let know about what he'd been doing these past few weeks, it was Dan. Dan was too young, too innocent to be burdened with that kind of knowledge, and as much as Phil kind of hated it, Dan looked up to him. Dan sort of regarded Phil as this superhero that was invincible to anything and was always going to protect him from evils. That was a lot of pressure to put on a twelve-year-old, especially when Phil was really starting to see that there were things he just couldn't handle. As much as he wanted to be, he had no idea how he was supposed to be this great hero for Dan.


By Saturday afternoon, Dan had noticed that Phil was acting weird. He was wearing thin jackets despite the warmth of the house, tugging at the sleeves almost obsessively whenever he thought Dan wasn't looking. Dan caught him fidgeting more than once, and he hated how he looked so tense, but he couldn't bring himself to confront Phil about it. He was probably just being weird this weekend, and Dan might have even just been seeing things, or looking into it too deeply. Phil was fine.

Phil, in fact, was not fine at all –but he couldn't let Dan know that. The problem was that he'd grown so used to cutting that being unable to let out the pain was just making it all build up inside him. Sure, Bret wasn't here to wail on him or call him out for being the fat stupid baby that he was, but the words stuck like industrial strength glue.

He wasn't worthy of Dan's friendship; he wasn't worth the bright young boy's time or energy, especially not to only be weighed down by the shadows Phil was brooding in. Dan didn't deserve the pain like Phil did –that was what he told himself. He would suffer in silence; keep away from the blade as long as Dan was here, no matter how difficult it was. He would shield his only true friend from his pain.

"Hey Phil?" Dan piped from his spot across the treehouse. It was clear Saturday evening; Phil's mother was making dinner inside, and it would be ready soon. The boys were mostly keeping to themselves, Phil doing some homework and Dan reading comic books.

Phil looked up from his math work. Conversation with Dan was a welcome distraction. "Yeah?"

Dan shifted a bit, awkward. He wasn't sure how to address a rather complex question. "Do you know what love is?"

Phil froze up. Dan was ten years old, what was he doing asking about love? "Well…" he started slowly, putting his book down, "there are different kinds of love. There's love like between a married couple, or between siblings, or friends…Or the love for a pet?" He shrugged. "I don't really know what you're asking about."

"I, um, kind of meant between people who are dating."

"Um… well I've never dated anyone, but I'll take a crack at it." He took a long pause as he considered what that kind of love might be like. "I think it's when someone loves another person so much that they live for their happiness. When they'd protect them from anything, even if it put them in harm's way. When you'd give anything for them, no hesitation. When… When you picture your future, they're always there and part of it. You fantasize about marriage to them and wonder what your kids would look like. And… as long as they're happy, so are you."

Dan nodded, smiling softly. He tried to return to his comics, but he couldn't focus. "And what about love for a friend?"

"I… I guess it's kind of the same thing, but without marriage and kids and maybe to less of a degree. I don't know if you're supposed to want to die for a friend or not." Phil tried to return to his work, but Dan was persistent.

"Would you die for me, Phil?"

"Yeah." He had answered without thinking about what he was saying, and buried his bright blushing face in his textbook. "I guess you're supposed to want to die for your friend."

Dan got onto his knees and crawled over to Phil, gently taking the book away. He looked deep into wet eyes and winced sympathetically but didn't let it distract him. "I'd die for you, Phil. I hope you know that. And…" He cast his eyes downward. "I'm scared that you're not okay right now, which is really painful to watch, because I really look up to you. Please, Phil… promise me you're okay?"

Dan's eyes were so pleading that even if Phil didn't want to promise him already, he just had to. He couldn't take that sad tint to Dan's glow. "Yeah, Danny, I promise." He put on his best false smile and hoped it was enough to convince his young friend.

Dan smiled and reached out to ruffle Phil's hair, giggling quietly. It was enough to put him at ease, and he returned to his comic books to let Phil do his assignments. He didn't see how Phil tugged at his sleeves again, and they relaxed into a content silence until they were called down to eat.


A/N: Reviews = quicker updates!