Delphine cries for three days. Cosima doesn't want her. Doesn't want to marry her. Doesn't love her enough to take her as a wife. It takes another day to realize that perhaps Cosima does not understand what she is asking her to do.
She had assumed, that Cosima being her lover, that Cosima bringing her here meant that Cosima wanted her as a wife. It was Cosima who had told her such a thing was possible in her time. It had been before she'd left her home, everything she knew. Marriage… That they both wanted that. Instead… Delphine tears up again at the thought, she would be nothing more than Cosima's whore.
Cosima, other than refusing to marry her, had tried to be comforting about it. If as if anything could ease the shame and anguish she felt. Cosima had made her dinner, offered to take her out, tried seduction… how could her lover be so ignorant? How could she be so blind to how this made her feel?
"Oh… god Delphine, not again." Cosima winces at the sight of her tearstained face. "Can we… just not talk about it?"
"But why? Why Cosima?"
For this, Cosima doesn't seem to have an answer.
"Tu voulais que je reste ta… putain." Delphine bawled again. Is that all she would ever be? She couldn't imagine leaving Cosima. It didn't seem possible, she was tied to her now. It was done.
"Baby, no… not a whore. Lots of people just live together. It's not… it's not what it was. So many people do it." Cosima tries again, unsuccessfully to make some sort of point resting on semantics.
When she merely cries in response, Cosima lets it go.
"Delphine, I love you." Cosima tells her simply, but she still shakes off Cosima's hands, still won't let her kiss her, nevermind bed her.
"Je t'aime aussi." She whispers back, that much is true, she doesn't want to leave Cosima. Even if she could, though a brief idea of finding someone else to marry her to take away the shame had crossed her mind.
"Then why are you so upset about this?" Cosima tosses back. "If you love me, and you get to be with me, and we'll have our lives together?"
"Because you won't marry me!" Delphine sobs again.
"We've been through this!" Cosima becomes exasperated, standing up to pace back and forth, her arms flying wildly as her hands express her frustration with their standstill. "I don't understand you!"
"Of course you don't." Delphine responds, as calmly as she can muster. "I am not sure you are trying. I don't think you understand this at all."
"I understand it fine! I told you, marriage is a patriarchal institution made to oppress women. I told you I don't want to get married. I told you it's not as common as it was. I told you living together is a viable alternative. I told you the stigma you're thinking of no longer exists!"
"Then why did you tell me it was legal for us to get married in your time? Why did you reassure me that this was in Québec as well?" Delphine argues. She might have gone with Cosima anyway, but why dangle the carrot if she had no intention of following through? Why was Cosima like this? Had culture degraded so much that a marriage meant nothing? It was ridiculous.
"Well, having the right, is fine. I mean, yay equality. But it's a dumb thing to do. Like, we'd be legally tied together. Why? There's no point."
She stands, trying to calm the last few tears that she was unable to stop from falling. "We are already tied together Cosima. I cannot leave you. Do you realize this? And now… now I have no choice in this. I'll be… I'll be your whore." She walks out onto the balcony, slamming the glass sliding door behind her. It bumps against the wall and slides open again.
"Please don't slam that door." Cosima seethes on the couch. "Seriously… And lay off on the 'whore' thing. You are being ridiculous."
Delphine hears her later, through the bathroom door, talking into her phone about her. The tiny device Cosima carried with her near everywhere for communication. Cosima whined about her, and was met with a harsh sounding voice on the other end. Though whether they are merely annoyed with her beloved or think that she herself is being ridiculous she'll never know.
A few mornings later, they've settled into an uneasy truce. Neither broaches the subject of marriage or their fight. She kisses Cosima on the cheek one morning when she's drinking her tea and the smile that she sees in response calms her all the way through. But can she live like this? Is this enough for her?
"Moving date is set." Cosima responds, "First of August. We move to the new place in Verdun. Two bedrooms."
"Okay." Delphine nods. That sounds reasonable. And finally doors, an opportunity to sequester herself away from Cosima and just read. Just try to understand this world.
A couple weeks later, things had sort of calmed down. Except of course, that Delphine was far less interested in sex before she'd dropped the 'never-want-to-get-married' bomb. It was ridiculous, she didn't understand why Delphine just couldn't adapt. Surely, she'd see that it was unnecessary. How much longer would this last?
And yet, Delphine still didn't enjoy music from any period later than the 1960s, she was reluctant to watch movies or television with her, so much of 1910 stayed with Delphine. Maybe she'd never be able to push Delphine completely in line with the present. But if she could ease Delphine's mindset just a few decades more, it'd be easier.
It's weeks, before Delphine will even kiss her again, laying a soft kiss on her lips, one day on the way back from the library. That much had been going well, and with the passport, a health card had been ordered, the beginnings of documents for Delphine's life. To let her live here.
"Je t'aime." Delphine tells her, kissing her again.
"Let's go out… get some dinner." Cosima suggests, maybe romancing Delphine would help alleviate the tension. Maybe it would encourage her love to consider resuming their sex life. She hadn't asked, figuring if they weren't even making out, that Delphine was really not in the mood.
Dinner goes well, they sit at the bar at some resto-bar, and Delphine picks at her salad. Food, had possibly been the easiest adjustment. Sexually, and culinarily, Delphine was adventurous. At least to a point.
"How are you feeling?" Cosima asks instead across the table, their food sitting half finished between them. "Like, really?"
"I'm ...okay." Delphine responds, taking another bite of her dinner.
Cosima thinks she knows how to revive this. Knows what Delphine might want. "So ...you want to register for a class or two in September? At one of the universities?"
"Yes!" Delphine exclaims loudly, she giggles excitedly, still picking at her dinner.
"Okay, we'll do that." Cosima grins at her, this is getting easier. And she has the rest of the summer to spend with Delphine, helping her acclimate. Taking her around the city, maybe even to Québec City, letting her love visit that place that still looks so much like it probably should in Delphine's mind. She could show her, that this was enough. That they didn't need to get married. That their lives would be beautiful.
She takes a liberal sip of wine, and watches her. Why is she still so enamoured? Why is this still so thrilling? Even with weeks of no sex. Even if Delphine is kind of pissed at her.
She watches Delphine wander her way to the back of the bar, to the washroom. She'll need to figure out logistics, how to get her registered. How to make this all work. But she has to. It's time.
Cosima grins as she sips her wine, noting that Delphine's glass is already half empty. She flags the server for a refill. Her evening plans morphing into perhaps going out for dessert after, and ...maybe dancing. Delphine was brave enough now. She knew that much. And with her responsibilities done until the fall, she would have the time to help Delphine. She'd make sure she was ready for classes. She'd make sure, just in case, that Delphine could survive here without her.
A man approaches Delphine on her way back towards the bar, and she watches in disbelief as he begins flirting. No doubt offering to buy her a drink.
She assumes, he's read them incorrectly, as two friends getting drinks and a quick bite together. Surely Delphine will sort him out, point over at her and she'll wave and the dude will get lost.
It goes on too long for her liking, what the heck is Delphine doing? Cosima cranes her neck back to see, the forward son-of-a-bitch has his hand resting against Delphine's hip, and she watches her lover blush uncertainly. Of course Delphine has no idea what to do, and she'd be polite but… is she enjoying it?
Delphine enjoys the attention. That much is obvious. Cosima finds herself seething again, and wills herself to calm down. Was Delphine trying to make her jealous? Was this curiosity? Or was it genuine?
She's never been with anyone but you. Felix's words echo in her mind. Maybe her out-of-time love was bisexual. Could she prevent Delphine from experimenting? Should she even want to? Intellectually and emotionally, the thought put her at odds with herself.
Cosima knows too well, she wants Delphine all to herself. But was that fair?
Delphine smiles, and walks back over, taking her seat next to Cosima. "That...was interesting."
"Was he trying to pick you up?"
Delphine seems confused, "he wanted to invite me to watch movies and chill? After buying me a drink."
Definitely a fuckboy, Cosima decides to herself. "He wants to have sex with you." Might as well eliminate the mystery of this for Delphine.
"He does?" Delphine glances over at the young man again, who waves at her again.
"If you want to…" Cosima tries desperately to keep emotion out of her voice, "then you should… just to see if you want. Just like, make sure he uses a condom." Of course that wasn't the only concern, Delphine was inexperienced, what if he hurt her? What if… Delphine preferred heterosexual intercourse? Would that be the end for them?
"A condom?" Delphine's nose wrinkles as she repeats the unfamiliar word. Of course, Delphine hasn't the slightest clue what it is. Fuck, it's not safe. She cannot let Delphine go home with this guy. Or any guy. Maybe she could like, find YouTube videos to educate Delphine on safe sex. She's not trusting some fuckboy to insist on safe sex.
"You don't have to do anything." Cosima informs her, drawing Delphine half into her arms to speak privately. "Like, enjoy the attention and we can go home tonight. But, if you want to have sex with someone else… I don't want to stop you from exploring. You… you deserve that chance. But we have to talk about safe sex first." She tries to keep the emotion out of her voice, to keep this strictly educational but she knows she is failing.
"What?" Delphine seems confused for a moment, "I wouldn't… not unless you were there with me. I don't want to without you."
"Oh thank god…" Cosima breathes a sigh of relief. "Wait… you didn't suggest we have a threeway, did you?"
"Felix said that was normal here." Delphine deadpans for a moment, and her heart stops, before she catches the look in Delphine's eyes. She's… joking, Cosima realizes mirthfully.
She laughs back, and leans in to lay a lengthy kiss on Delphine's lips, not even caring that the flirt with his eyes on Delphine is approaching them. It doesn't matter, this can work. It has to work.
"Do you… do you want to know what that's like?" Cosima asks, gently, with Delphine still cupping her face, when her beloved falters she knows what to do.
"I don't know?" Delphine responds uncertainly. It's not an outright refusal though.
"I can do that for you." She responds, her voice a low whisper. "And he doesn't need to be involved at all."
Delphine sighs, squeezing at her closest hand with one of her own. "I know…"
"What do you want, Delphine?" Cosima asks gently.
"I want to go home."
"Okay. Definitely." Cosima pays their bill, and moves to leave.
The young man in question approaches them both, and she quickly makes it clear that she and Delphine are a couple, and he is to fuck off, immediately.
She thinks she understands what Cosima means, she knows she's referring to the toy she refused as soon as she saw it.
Delphine hadn't minded when Cosima had told her potential sex partner to get lost, or when Cosima had informed him that they were a couple and not interested in a third. She could only imagine it had something to do with a threeway, a sex act she was quite certain she didn't want.
And it was true, she wasn't interested in experimenting, unless she could be held in Cosima's arms the entire time. Even if her beloved refused to marry her. She could meet Cosima halfway like this, but would Cosima try to bridge the rest of the gap?
"Would you have really let me?" Delphine asks, even as she watches a buck naked Cosima fetch the false phallus and work it into some black contraption of straps before pulling it up over her hips. She doesn't have much experience in this sort of thing, but it seems… large. But, surely Cosima must know what she is doing.
"Yes." Cosima doesn't miss a beat. "But… oh god, Delphine, it would have killed me."
"Killed you?" She blinks, wasn't that normal? Wasn't everyone sleeping with everyone all the time anyway? Not getting married? Or was that just Felix? Just Cosima? Perhaps she needed to speak with more people, see what habits really were.
"Emotionally." Cosima admits. "Yeah, I am boring and monogamous, I mean, the idea of having an open relationship is cool. Like, the lack of jealousy and the freedom. But ...I don't want one."
"But you don't want to get married." Delphine surmises. Perhaps, she and Cosima were closer to being on the same page than they thought. At least she would be Cosima's only kept woman. There would be no other, if Cosima could promise that…
"That about sums it up." Cosima stops, tilting her head. "Are we fighting again? Because if so, I want to take the toy off."
It hadn't been a fight, Delphine remembers. She'd cried and cried for hours, and Cosima had been unable to comfort her. But if this was her life now, if this is the only way to be with her Cosima, she'd consent to be just her amoureuse, just her lover. If that was all she could have. At least she'd be with Cosima then.
"Non." Delphine responds, distracting her lover with kisses. This she can do, this is easy. Kissing Cosima. Loving Cosima. She can give her this, certainly it would be okay.
"Hey, wait," Cosima calls softly when she pulls her down on top of her. "We are going to go really slowly."
Delphine giggles, this seems odd. She'd expected Cosima to leap at the chance to make love again. "Why?"
"Because you've only had a couple of my fingers inside you and this is bigger, and I don't want it to hurt." Cosima answers honestly.
"Neither do I." Delphine agrees, she pulls her beloved in to kiss, showing her how much she loves her.
"I want this to be good for you." Cosima murmurs, moving over her gently, almost as if she's lulling her into a trance, with slow drawn out touches. Everything is suddenly so slow, and maybe it's that it has been a couple weeks, but it seems… intense. The brush of fingers against her breast, or against her hip has her gasping and pulling Cosima's lips back to her own.
But her lover grows resistant, instead wandering her mouth along her clavicles, her shoulders.
Lips kiss down her body, and it's somewhat unexpected. Delphine has learned what this leads to. She thought Cosima would simply want to use the...toy. Cosima settles between her legs, opting instead to stimulate her with her mouth. It had been strange at first, but, the pleasure and Cosima's undeniable enjoyment had won her over. This, Delphine now believed, was a marvellous way to make love.
Delphine relaxes into it, she enjoys this. Cosima's mouth, her tongue flicking at her, she holds her to her. Try to show her affection by cupping her head in her hands, by reaching for her. But as always, it becomes very distracting. Jolts of pleasure hitting her with every stroke of Cosima's tongue.
She reaches her peak, and arching, holds Cosima to her. And when she looks down at her beloved, she wants to tell her so many things. That nothing is missing from their lovemaking. That she wants to be with her forever. That she'd marry Cosima the second she changed her mind. If she ever changed her mind, Delphine blinks back a few tears at the thought. Instead she pants, letting a warm silence take the place of her words. Her heart both broken and mended.
"So hot." Cosima mumbles, as she reluctantly releases her sex from her mouth. Laying a few kisses on sensitive skin.
Delphine thinks first of turning Cosima over, of returning the favour, but the harness was in the way, a black phallus jutting out from it. She wasn't sure how to remove it from Cosima's body, if her beloved would even let her.
"Hey, it's okay," Cosima reassures her as she moves back up, settling herself between Delphine's still spread legs.
"Is it… large?" Delphine glances down at it, she cannot bring herself to call it anything else aloud.
"The dildo? It's only about six inches." Cosima leans down for another kiss, she tastes herself, another thing she's grown used to.
She;s not entirely sure what the point of this is. After all, Cosima cannot feel it. It isn't… real. Perhaps it is all about assuaging her own curiosity. Though now, Delphine thinks, as Cosima gently thrusts two fingers into her with a grin, she's more nervous than anything.
"Oh baby… oh baby…" Cosima croons at her again. Why 'baby' was Cosima's preferred pet name, she'd never know. But she knew there was affection in it, and certainly Cosima wouldn't harm her, at least not like this.
Cosima stops, withdrawing, reaching over for a small bottle, slathering it in some sticky looking liquid.
"What… what is that?" Delphine begins to sit up, brow furrowing.
"Just extra lubricant." Cosima brushes her off, leaning back down over her. "It's fine."
Cosima moves herself back over her, drawing her in for another slow kiss before easing herself between her legs, trying to guide it in.
It is not like taking Cosima's fingers, Delphine quickly realizes at the pressure she feels. The phallus slides in slowly, with a stinging stretch. Surely, this wasn't supposed to be this uncomfortable.
She looks at Cosima for reassurance, who smiles at her. It must get better, Delphine thinks.
"Cosima…" She breathes simply, reaching out for her lover, who continues the slow slide in.
Even with the gentleness, when Cosima begins slowly thrusting it is … tolerable but uncomfortable. Delphine waits a couple minutes, and when the only descriptor she can think of for the act becomes 'awkward' she knows this will not make her climax.
"Hey… how are you?" Cosima is looking down at her intently, stilling in her movements. "You're really quiet."
"Arrête… Stop." Delphine begs finally. This isn't working, and Cosima immediately withdraws. She doesn't miss the fullness, or the stretch.
"Well that didn't go as well as expected." Cosima laughs. "I'm sorry. I've never been anyone's first ever before. I… I should have tried like more fingers first. Or something."
"I… I don't think I like it." She admits. Though she'd tried. She'd met Cosima halfway.
"You can always say no to me," Cosima explains, as her hands undo buckles and clasps, tossing the unfortunate contraption onto the floor. "Like, you have 50% say in everything we do, and when it's your body, you have 100% say."
"I don't want to do that again." Delphine speaks firmly, in a calm voice.
Cosima nods, and though she sees some disappointment in her face, she's kissing her again within minutes.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't try to push you so much." Cosima murmurs, as she moves in to cuddle. "Come here." And she's been kissed again, all over her face, her lips.
Though, Delphine thinks, as she's tangled in Cosima's arms. If she has 50% say, shouldn't that be in everything?
