~~~~ Two chapters in one day!...and I'm waking up at 5 tomorrow, so I should be sleeping, but I can't. ~~~~~
I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I wish I could go back to sleep. I wish things could be a little clearer. For the longest time I've been so ashamed of myself. I can barely look myself in mirror.
I'm empty inside and out. I want to look in the mirror and see change. The worst part of all of this, is knowing I'm bigger than most girls starving themselves. I'm more disgusting, more in need of it. I guess that's part of the reason I've been cutting.
Today I felt like the biggest idiot. He was right, I probably need some help, but I can't allow myself to have it. I'm not good enough for happiness, not yet at least. I want to see how people treat me when I'm thin, when I'm perfect.
These thoughts brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure I looked a mess right now, but I didn't care. I've been pushing everything to the side except for weight loss. My school work just wasn't getting done.
Everyday I've been working out, and skipping meals. Compliments honestly make me feel worse. I'm suffocated by this. I'll always be trapped inside of my body. If people notice me losing weight what's it going to be like if I mess up?
It's a never ending cycle. So starving me isn't enough for me, that's why I purge; eating without the consequence. I'd rather slowly rot my teeth than gain weight. I don't know how I let myself get this big.
I'm disgusting, and worthless. When I was little, all the other girls went out and bought dresses, while I stuffed my face. Back then that was good enough, I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong. I couldn't feel ashamed or guilty, even when I got made fun of.
It took all this time for their words to really hit me. All this time they were trying to help me. I've always been told that the truth hurts. What did I expect, for people to lie to me? If anything they were doing me a favor.
I usually feel like no one understands me. How cliché is that? When I see a teen girl in a movie who thinks no one understands she's always thin. That's what makes it different.
I want people to like me, but how can they? Maybe I should just give up. I'd thought of suicide a lot, but never really wanted to stop fighting. That's what I was though, a fighter; strong.
If only I could truly believe that. I can do this. I can make it through. I'll reach my goal weight, no matter what it takes. I'll be happy, once I'm thin. I'll be free. That's all that matters to me. I'll just have to do something about Jared.
Let him believe nothing's wrong. I'll magically be healed, finding myself somewhere high up in the clouds. I can do this, I can lie, and I can act. No one needs to know the truth.
Still completely awake, I decided to get on another Pro Ana blog. After clicking past a content warning I was reading about how someone was currently doing. It showed a girl completely mortified over a 3 pound weight gain in the course of three weeks.
I clicked on a new website. The first post was-
"I feel fat today. I'm disgusting. I have no self-control. I promised my boyfriend I would eat and I did. Now I hate myself even more for it. I don't want to lie to him but now it seems like I have to. Fuck this eating disorder, I want to get better…..but I want to be skinny. If only there was a simple solution. Why can't life be easy?
Was that going to happen between me and Jared? If me and Jared ever turn into something? Right now I'm not even sure if he'll speak to me again. Suddenly my alarm went off. Had I really been thinking that long?
I fucking hate Mondays and this would probably be one of the hardest. Sighing as I got up, I headed straight to the bathroom. My hair was a mess and I had bags under my eyes. I put a head band on before I washed my face; afterwards I brushed my teeth and flattened my hair. Braiding my bangs back, then running back to my room for my make up bag.
I honestly just didn't feel like putting any on. I had to though, especially after staying up half the night. I was just so weak and hungry. Everything was starting to seem much more difficult.
Once again I put on mascara, foundation, blush, eyeliner, and lip-gloss. I headed back to my room to pick out my outfit for the day. After about 5 minutes of searching Id made up my mind on what I was going to wear.
A blue v-neck, with a grey tank top underneath, a white and grey scarf, skinny jeans, and my grey Uggs. Lastly, I added earrings to match. I grabbed my bag and went out to wait for the bus. I hope today will get better.
Today. I'm disgusting. I have no self-control.
I promised my boyfriend that I would eat and I did. Now I hate myself even more for it. ...
