Beyond
Severus knew he was dying. He seemed to have little control over everything that happened after the snake attacked him. At least, he thought he had failed Dumbledore, but then Harry Potter suddenly materialized out of nowhere and was in front of him. Severus offered him all that he could in that moment to prove his loyalty to Dumbledore and to Lily and gave him the information Dumbledore had wanted. His work was done. He had served Dumbledore, the Dark Lord before that, and in his heart all these years, Lily.
His strength was failing. His vision was blurring, but in one last desperate attempt to see Lily's eyes one more time, he pulled Harry forward with a slackening hand and whispered, "Look… at… me…"
Harry looked stunned and didn't say anything. Severus ignored the glasses and the unruly black hair that reminded him so painfully of James Potter and focused on the eyes. They were all that seemed to matter.
Suddenly, the immense physical agony was gone, and as he stared at those green eyes, the face they were attached to changed, softening into a young woman's. Her pale visage was surrounded by a halo of red hair, and beyond that, bright white light. He felt the brush of something gently encircling him and realized that he was in someone's arms.
"Severus," an angelic voice seemed to soothe him.
Severus, unsure of what was occurring, blinked, and blinked again. When the image in front of him didn't disappear, he still wondered if he was dreaming.
"Lily?" he croaked, his throat constricted and dry.
"Yes, Sev, it's me," Lily said gently. She was smiling so radiantly at him, practically bursting with love, and Severus could feel it washing over him.
Overcome by intense emotion, Severus closed his eyes and broke down. He clutched desperately to Lily and shamelessly buried his face in her robes. Lily didn't say anything, but merely continued to hold him as he released tears for every bitter sorrow, every foolish mistake, every bad decision, every act of cruelty, and every moment of regret his life had contained.
Severus felt Lily's small hands running up and down his back in comforting motions, and he was at a loss as to what to say. How could this be?
Finally, Severus looked up at Lily and asked that question. "How is this possible? Are you real, Lily?"
"You died, Sev. And yes, I'm real. You're real. This is all real. This is heaven."
"Heaven?" Severus didn't believe he would ever be welcomed to such a place.
"Yes," Lily confirmed.
"But… but that's not possible," Severus stammered. "I- I don't deserve this. Do you know what I've done? Of course you know. How could you not? Lily, it's my fault you died. All my fault. I was so stupid. So incredibly stupid. I'm sorry, so… so sorry." Severus rambled, losing his composure all over again and dissolved into tears.
"I know everything you've done," Lily said in an impossibly kind and understanding voice. "I know everything you've risked all these years. You protected my son, Severus. You risked your life daily as a spy for the Order and for Dumbledore. You died loyal to Dumbledore, to me. Have you any idea how brave you've been?"
"I'm not brave," Severus muttered resignedly. "It doesn't matter what I've done. Nothing can undo what's been done. All I beg now is your forgiveness."
"Severus, listen to me," Lily said firmly, yet gently. "There is nothing to forgive. Anything you could have possibly done wrong has more than been righted by all you've given all these years. I am so proud of you, Sev. Have you no idea of your true worth? You are every bit the good wizard and man I knew you could be when we were kids. I must ask instead if you can forgive me."
"Forgive you?" Severus gaped. "What do you mean? You did nothing wrong, Lily."
"No, that's not true," Lily countered. "I abandoned you when you needed me the most. I should have realized that when you were closing yourself up and drawing inward, that was when you needed a friend the most. It takes two people to make a friendship work. No one person should have to shoulder the blame."
Severus shook his head. "No, you were perfect… always kind, always trying to show me a better way, but I wouldn't listen. You say you know everything I've done. If that's the case, then you know that I've never been kind to your son. A better man would have been kinder to him. Instead, I-"
Severus couldn't believe what he was saying, but in his past year alive, he had done some serious soul-searching. After Dumbledore had died, Severus felt truly alone. Trying to carry on in the midst of people who used to be his colleagues and allies at Hogwarts and be despised and branded a coward and a traitor had nearly put him over the edge. He had wondered on many a lonely night in the headmaster's office what kind of man he would be remembered as, and the pettiness and spite he had shown Lily's son was unforgivable. He knew he could have done more than just protect the boy, and now that he was gone from his former life, things were taking on a new perspective, and Severus found himself willingly completely open and vulnerable.
"You did the best you could in the given circumstances," Lily said. "No one is perfect. Even a saint couldn't have been the model for good behavior. I do not blame you for feeling the way you did, Sev. I knew you were conflicted and hurt."
"I was miserable, and all I wanted to do was make everyone around me miserable," Severus said dejectedly.
"Shh," Lily comforted him, pulling him to her again.
Severus allowed himself to relax in her embrace and snaked his arms around her. How long he had dreamed of being with Lily again, of acceptance at the very least, but she was giving him so much more. This was love, pure and unaltered love! He thought his heart might burst with the emotion of it all, for while he lamented his life, he also couldn't deny the devotion radiating from her.
"Do you forgive me?" Lily asked softly.
"I still think you're wrong about thinking I have anything to forgive you for, but if you say so… I won't continue to argue with you."
Severus kept himself entwined with the woman he loved for quite some time, or it could have been no time at all. Somehow, after having expressed his brokenness and misery, he felt the burden begin to lighten. The power of love was doing its work within him, yet he didn't understand it.
"What's happening to me?" Severus finally asked, withdrawing enough to look into Lily's eyes.
"You're learning to love yourself, Sev," Lily said sweetly. "That's part of the magic of love and of this place. Heaven is not a place meant for melancholy. Your past regrets are not forgotten, but you find that you can be at peace. You see the bigger picture, so to speak. You understand deeper truths than you ever could on earth. You learn to forgive yourself by loving yourself. That, Severus, has been your biggest struggle, but the hurt does not last forever. You have suffered enough already. That is over. This is eternity, and you are a part of it. You are meant to be here."
Severus wouldn't have believed her long ago, but something inside him had shifted. The tears were gone. There was to be no more weeping, no more sorrows, no more pain. Severus smiled the first genuine smile he had in years.
"I love you, Lily. I should have told you, but more than that, I should have showed you."
"I love you, Severus, my best friend. Always."
"Always."
The End
Author's Note: Please review! Thanks for reading!
