Chapter 8

~ Merlin ~

Merlin was standing in the courtyard as the rain began to pick up. He couldn't make himself move. He didn't want to move. He just wanted to unsee what he had seen and he knew he couldn't do that.

"Merlin!" He heard Arthur call. He looked up, shocked to see the king shouting at him from the doors to the palace. He knew he wasn't the only one giving Arthur his undivided attention. He turned away from Arthur. He wanted to delay the inevitable. He knew that he and Arthur could never be together, but he just wasn't ready to hear that.

He walked away from Arthur, but didn't get far before he felt a hand grab his arm and spin him to face them. He only had a brief moment to process that Arthur had grabbed him before he was distracted by something infinitely more significant. Arthur was kissing him.

Merlin could feel people's gazes burning a hole into his back, but he couldn't make himself care. He could feel the words behind Arthur's kiss. Arthur was saying he was sorry.

Merlin wanted to tell him it was okay, but he couldn't bring himself to break the kiss. His body moved of its own accord as he pressed one hand into the crook of Arthur's back and let his other tangle in Arthur's hair. He felt as if he couldn't get close enough to Arthur. Merlin felt more alive than he had in weeks. Electricity surged through his body, making him sensitive to every touch. He was barely aware of the rain picking up until Arthur pulled away from the kiss. The rain was falling in thick streams now, blurring Arthur's features slightly. Despite that, Merlin could make out the huge grin on Arthur's face. "I love you Merlin," Arthur whispered.

Merlin stared shocked. That wasn't possible. Arthur couldn't have said those words to him, because the king of Camelot could not love a simple manservant. So, Merlin just stared, certain he had misheard. "My lord?" He asked uncertainly. "I think I might have misheard you."

Arthur shook his head. "You didn't mishear me. Despite your obvious mental afflictions, I really do love you," Arthur told him, sincerity ringing through his voice.

"I love you too," Merlin whispered. Normally he would have thrown in an insult, but he was too overwhelmed with joy. Arthur, King Arthur of Camelot, told him he loved him.

Arthur's hand found its way to Merlin's cheek. "We should go inside before you catch a cold," Merlin said softly. "We can't have the king of Camelot getting sick."

Arthur nodded and took Merlin's hand. Merlin mentally prepared himself to ignore the judgmental stares of Arthur's people. He was shocked to realize the courtyard had emptied itself as the rain had picked up.

He and Arthur headed into the castle. The first thing they ran into was Gwen, literally. They hadn't been paying attention and walked right into her. Gwen wasn't crying, but she was visibly upset.

She glared at Arthur. "How could you not tell me?" She asked harshly. "I trusted you. I was loyal to you. I knew you cared for Merlin, but I never would have guessed you loved him like that. Why wouldn't you be honest with me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you," Arthur told her. "And I never thought I would be able to… You know… Be with Merlin. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to believe that I could love you more, if not more than at least just as much. But I can't. I'm so sorry Gwen."

Merlin blushed as he looked at the ground. He didn't think he would ever get used to hearing Arthur talk about his feelings.

"What changed that?" Gwen asked.

"When Merlin got hurt, I realized how much I cared for him. When he woke up, I… I kissed him. But I wanted to forget. I didn't want my life to be that complicated. But when he saw us today, I knew I would never be able to forget. I would never be able to live with myself if I caused that much pain in him," Arthur said quietly. Merlin resisted the urge to squirm under Arthur's intense stare.

"And what about me Arthur? Can you cause me that much pain?" Gwen asked, her voice angry.

Merlin watched Arthur hesitate. Arthur squeezed his hand and Merlin knew he wasn't going to like what he heard. "I love you Gwen, I do, but I think that you have loved someone more than me once," Arthur told her. Merlin winced. The memory of Lancelot was still fresh in his mind. Lancelot was the first person other than a handful of people in Ealdor and Gaius that knew of Merlin's powers. "That's how I feel now. I can't be with you just because it would be easier. That wouldn't be fair to you."

Gwen's face fell. "I understand," she said quietly. "I did love Lancelot. But Arthur, he's dead. He died because I asked him to make sure you came home safely. I had a choice to make and I chose you."

"Um, Gwen?" Merlin said hesitantly. "Lancelot didn't sacrifice himself for Arthur. He did it for me." Merlin looked at the ground ashamed.

"What?" Gwen asked confused.

"Lancelot was my greatest friend. He knew something about me that no one knew. He always said I was braver than any of the knights," Merlin said. He couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes. Lancelot always overestimated him. "When we were at the veil, I knocked Arthur unconscious. I was prepared to sacrifice myself. Arthur was never the one he replaced. I am so sorry Gwen." Merlin was staring at the wall, fighting tears. He knew deep down it was his fault. He should have paid better attention, should have stopped Lancelot. Merlin wasn't the brave one. It was Lancelot. "It's my fault he's gone."

"Merlin, I cannot believe it was your fault," Gwen said gently.

"You weren't there Gwen," Merlin said quietly. "Lancelot had even started to take me back to Camelot. It wasn't Arthur he saved. It was me. It's all my fault."

"Merlin," Arthur said harshly. "It's not your fault!"

Merlin looked away from Arthur, knowing he would never be able to believe those words. If he had been quicker, or if he had thought of something Lancelot might still be alive.

~ Arthur ~

Arthur wasn't sure how long he kissed Merlin for. Time ceased to matter. All that mattered was him and his love for Merlin. When Arthur pulled back from Merlin, it was so he could say the words he had been hiding from Merlin for so long.

"I love you Merlin," Arthur said quietly. He knew in his heart that it was the right moment to tell him this. It was time to let Merlin know the extent of Arthur's feelings.

Arthur watched Merlin freeze. He could feel his anxiety pick up. What if he was too impulsive? What if this hadn't been the right moment to tell Merlin the truth? "My lord?" Merlin asked. Arthur braced himself for Merlin's rejection. "I think I might have misheard you."

Arthur couldn't help him relief as he shook his head. "You didn't mishear me. Despite your obvious mental afflictions, I really do love you," Arthur said. And he meant it… Well aside from the mental affliction part.

"I love you too," Merlin told him quietly. A huge grin spread across Arthur's face as he looked at Merlin. His hand moved of his own accord and found its way to Merlin's cheek. For the first time in a long time, Arthur felt complete. "We should go inside before you catch a cold. We can't have the king of Camelot getting sick."

Arthur resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he nodded. He grabbed Merlin's hand and started to walk towards the castle. They were so distracted, they didn't notice that Gwen was standing in front of them until they had literally walked into her.

Arthur tried to avoid her gaze, but he could feel her glare burning holes into him. "How could you not tell me?" She asked angrily. "I trusted you. I was loyal to you. I knew you cared for Merlin, but I never would have guessed you loved him like that. Why wouldn't you be honest with me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you," Arthur explained. He knew he should have been honest with her. A wave of guilt washed over him. "And I never thought I would be able to… You know… Be with Merlin. I didn't want to think about it. I wanted to believe that I could love you more, if not more than at least just as much. But I can't. I'm so sorry Gwen."

Arthur saw Merlin blush out of the corner of his eyes and he struggled to hide his smile.

"What changed that?" Gwen asked him.

"When Merlin got hurt, I realized how much I cared for him. When he woke up, I… I kissed him. But I wanted to forget. I didn't want my life to be that complicated. But when he saw us today, I knew I would never be able to forget. I would never be able to live with myself if I caused that much pain in him," Arthur explained. His gaze landed on Merlin. To most people his manservant was nothing special, but to Arthur he was everything.

"And what about me Arthur? Can you cause me that much pain?" Gwen asked. Arthur felt his chest constrict. He hated the idea of hurting Gwen, but he had to be true to his heart.

Arthur squeezed Merlin's hand, offering him comfort and assurance. "I love you Gwen, I do, but I think that you have loved someone more than me once," Arthur told her. He felt Merlin's grip on his hand tighten at the reference to Lancelot. Arthur knew that they had been good friends. "That's how I feel now. I can't be with you just because it would be easier. That wouldn't be fair to you."

Gwen looked at the ground as she tried to keep herself composed. "I understand," she told him. "I did love Lancelot. But Arthur, he's dead. He died because I asked him to make sure you came home safely."

"Um, Gwen?" Merlin said. Arthur glanced at Merlin, surprised that he was saying anything right now. Usually Merlin would just stay in the background. "Lancelot didn't sacrifice himself for Arthur. He did it for me." Arthur saw the guilt and shame on Merlin's face, but he was too preoccupied by Merlin's comment to even think about comforting him.

"What?" Gwen asked. Arthur was paying careful attention, because he wanted to know the answer to that as well.

"Lancelot was my greatest friend. He knew something about me that no one knew. He always said I was braver than any of the knights," Merlin said. Arthur stared at Merlin shocked. Lancelot had known about Merlin's magic? "When we were at the veil, I knocked Arthur unconscious. I was prepared to sacrifice myself. Arthur was never the one he replaced. I am so sorry Gwen." Arthur had to resist the urge to pull Merlin close to him and engulf him in a hug. Merlin hadn't been joking when he said he had saved Arthur's life multiple times. He was trying to be a little respectful of Gwen. But seeing Merlin look so guilty and upset hurt Arthur more than he had imagined it could. "It's my fault he's gone."

"Merlin, I cannot believe it was your fault," Gwen told him comfortingly.

"You weren't there Gwen," Merlin pointed out. "Lancelot had even started to take me back to Camelot. It wasn't Arthur he saved. It was me. It's all my fault."

"Merlin," Arthur warned. "It's not your fault!" Arthur was determined that Merlin let go of his guilt. When Merlin looked away from Arthur, refusing to make eye contact, Arthur knew he wasn't convinced.

"Merlin," Arthur said softly. He gently moved Merlin's head so Merlin didn't have a choice but to look right at him. "Lancelot made his decision. He chose to sacrifice himself. You couldn't have changed his mind no matter what you tried."

Merlin sighed. "I keep wishing there was some way…" He started to say.

"There was nothing you could do," Arthur told him. Arthur's bright blue eyes searched Merlin's pale blue ones, trying to erase any hint of a doubt.

After a moment, Merlin dropped his gaze. Arthur wasn't sure if he had convinced him, but he had to hope that in time, Merlin's guilt would ease.

"My lord," Gwen said. "I see now what I was too blind to see before. I'm not going to say I'm happy, but I do understand it."

Arthur smiled a small, sad smile. "I truly am sorry Gwen," Arthur told her.

"I know you are Arthur," Gwen told him. Gwen kissed his cheek and then walked away.

Arthur watched her go sadly. He hated knowing he had hurt her.

He was vaguely aware of Merlin squeezing his hand.

"Arthur, what now?" Merlin asked nervously.

"I don't know," Arthur admitted. "But whatever comes our way, we will face it together."