Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 does not belong to me. It´s Takahashi-sama´s

Warning: This will be yaoi fic, thus has rather explicit content and situations, strong language and male/male interaction. Also, this is a rather angsty fic, so don't expect the usual comedy from the canon.
If you feel offended, you can always hit the "back" button.


Close to his thirties, Ranma Saotome dives into the past to revisit his life and seek what he had lost.

OOO

OBS.: Fic formerly named as Brand – The Ranma Saotome's Memorial, deleted from my profile in FFnet to be revised and revisited, as the way it was before I got stuck and, frankly, reached a point I didn't know where to go. Many things have changed, however – but I hope whoever read this may have a good time.

This fic got a sister-fic which is supposed to be read together, named Where I end and you begin (The Day Tripper). It is a prequel and a sidestory to this one.

The title comes from "Where I end and you begin" from Radiohead; as the excerpts quoted on the prologue.

Then, on with the show.


Where I end and you begin

(The Midnight Cowboy)


Cheap Shot


"I would tell you about the things they put me through
The pain I've been subjected to
But the Lord himself would blush
The countless feasts laid on my feet
Forbidden fruits for me to eat
But I think your pulse would start to rush
Now I'm not looking for absolution
Forgiveness for the things I do
But before you jump to any conclusions
Try walking in my shoes – you'll stumble in my footsteps."

Walking in my shoes – Depeche Mode


~Ranma Saotome's Journal; seventh entry:

The club we chose to meet again was distinctly different from the other we met the first time. Actually, it was much more like a pub, and far less crowded. The idea, actually, was having some drinks before we headed to wherever he suggested to go. And, of course, he got a bit late – I guess half an hour late is pretty much acceptable as an improvement to someone who used to get days late on showing at an appointment. Or a challenge.

Honestly, I didn't know how to call that meeting of ours.

A part of me was still mad at him – thinking he had no right to ignore Ranma Saotome the way he did. I mean, wasn't I his friend? Didn't I deserve a better treatment from a guy I considered a good buddy back then?

My own mind answered it to me: Actually, despite I saved him and all, he had plenty reasons to dislike me, hadn't he?

For the record, I never considered all of this a good idea. It was a really fucking lousy one, actually, but I was way past it then. I couldn't let him come back to Nerima to go straight to Akane. Or to anyone else, not after what we did. I wanted him, so bad it hurt, but I also knew I wanted more than sex or physical pleasure.

And even if it changed and we grew from acquaintances to good friends… Fuck that noise, I don't wanna be friends with him, or a random fuck-buddy chick. I wanted him to love me, feel the same lump in my throat and the same nervous tingle I felt every time he cast his eyes on me.

Exactly what I felt when he arrived, spotted me at the pub and smiled, coming at my direction to take a seat by my side.

I smiled, put my date face on, and in a heartbeat I was his Kaori, and he was the beautiful stranger everyone now called Ryoga.

We drank, talked, laughed, charmed and chatted each other up, and soon enough he took me to his place and, again, we fucked each other. Back then I'd say "we made love", but… No, we didn't. Because he was there with me and I was there with him; but I was playing a persona I created for him. However, at that night where we've been together for the second time, I realized he wasn't himself as well. Not that it made our encounters – because others came after this second one – less heated or it dimmed the maddening feeling I had when his hands went through my body. But it still hurt, in a way; the fact I sensed we both were playing make-believe to each other was giving the whole experience a bittersweet sensation.

Unlike before, he's no longer emotionally wide open and physically shut by his martial arts body conscience and pathological shyness, now it's the other way around: I could access him physically all I wanted, but I could almost feel the shutdown whenever I get emotionally closer than what he considered 'safe'. Like a 'mask', a reverse mirror of himself, where he hides from people he considers 'dangerous'.

A mask he would drop around Akane, but certainly not around Ranma. And not around "Kaori"; at least not yet.

Yeah, but what good would it bring to me? To him? To us?

Back in the past we used to be rivals, although we always helped each other when we needed the most. But I'd always been a careless jerk, and he'd been unstable and touchy. How many times I teased him, made fun of him? How many times he threatened me with his "Die, Saotome" bravado?

Wouldn't we just end up hurting each other?

I always had been able to get the worst out of people, and surely I made it a lot to him when we were younger. If we made it and related to each other as Ranma and Ryoga, how long would it take for me to put my foot in my mouth? Or for him to lash out at me? How long until we drifted back to our old pattern?

But I wanted him so much. I wanted him more than life itself.

And what do I do when I want something? That's right: I go and take it, no matter what. Even if 'no matter what' means exploiting your opponent's weaknesses. That's what I used to do before, that's what Ranma Saotome does to win. That's when 'Kaori Ono' ceased to be a random chick.

Like I said, other dates came after this one. I told him I wanted to meet him again, and again, and again... He kept saying yes, and when he did so, I decided I'd turn Kaori into his dream girl. There would be no way he could trade me for any other girl, I was up to fucking guarantee that. I'd to whatever he wanted, whatever it could take to win his heart and make him mine.

And what about "Ranma"? Well, I'd also be around, and when I felt him comfortable around me and loving me as Kaori… I'd figure something out. But for starters, 'sparring partner' seemed nice, huh?

In theory.

As I found out as 'Kaori', sharing sexual experiences, sometimes rough ones, was a language that Ryoga now felt comfortable with, much more than sharing emotions. He turned to be cool, steady, carefully calculated and cynical, even if in a rather self-depreciative way. I couldn't read him as easily anymore, actually most of the time I couldn't read him at all. Sometimes he seemed to be a whole different person around me.

I was blind to his moves.

Actually, in the past we used to connect well by fighting or sparring. And that's what happened next, between us. Maybe I could approach him better as Ranma, through the Art; like we used to.

I followed the lead Akane set out on Ucchan's: One day I 'bumped' into him and chatted him up into sparring with me on the Dojo. At first, he was skittish, and I knew why: his strongest link to his past where I was an important piece, even if I hadn't known, was the Art. This connection survived Akane, Akari, college, career; his deepest inner changes. It did because it was his way to deal with the lonely angry boy inside of him.

But he wasn't seeking to best me on combat, anymore. Our old connection as rivals came from that, our mutual competitive natures where one wanted to excel the other. Now the Art was a kind of sanctum for his solace through his lonely days, pent-up frustrations, real and imagined enemies. It still is. And on this place, he wasn't feeling like letting me in that much.

But I am insistent. And certainly knew what buttons to push.

When he showed up to the sparring session, he was wearing an entire black outfit, a sleeveless shirt and string loose black pants that reminded a lot his old style, minus his leg straps and the bandanna. He was a vision of perfection, trim muscles moving with the grace of a wolf. I held my breath; dressed like this he managed to remind me who he used to be, who attracted me so.

"So," I began to say "It seems you did your homework. Let's see what you got."

He didn't say a word, and assumed a defensive stance, a good one. In the back of my head, I wondered where he had learned that. As he continued still, I leapt forward and struck him with a fast punch, like I used to, waiting for his block. Instead, he dodged rather easily. I couldn't help to notice that he was faster than he used to be, more gracious too. To my eyes, he moved almost sensuously.

"Hmm. You got faster, I see." I purred.

I charged again, even faster. And again he dodged. His grin disappeared.

"You're holding back." He said narrowing his eyes, but his expression unreadable. I didn't sense his battle aura.

"Of course I am. I don't wanna hurt you." I started to taunt him. Before, he would be already flaming me at this point. Now all he gave me was a wide grin, showing off his fangs. But his eyes were still blazing at me, with something that I still couldn't read. He moved closer, gracefully, but wide open for my attack. I narrowed my eyes, as I noticed what he was trying to do: He was letting himself open on purpose, mocking me, taunting me back. Okay, I thought, time to get serious. I charged at him with his guard down. He leapt and dodged my punch, but not easily this time. I didn't give him time to recover and charged again. With his guard down, he had to block this one. But it was a really good block, I hit him hard. He still had his legendary endurance from the Bakusai Tenketsu training.

"So" he said in a satisfied tone "Now are we getting serious?"

He leapt and struck me with a roundhouse kick, I dodged. He was faster, much faster than before. I counterattacked while he was still landing on the ground, he dodged. Admittedly, I was having a hard time through his defenses. Instead, he grabbed me and brought the fight to the ground. There, his strength was an advantage point, but for his surprise, in the same way he grew faster, I grew stronger. As he tried to immobilize me to the ground, I managed to break free.

We finally reached the point I wanted, where none of us was holding back. He wasn't just my old rival, he grew much better. Calmer, more centered, with knowledge of many martial styles. A true anything-goes martial artist to be reckoned with. He was getting faster and faster, without prejudice to his strength. He was going to give me a much harder time than I expected. Actually, he could even win this one, but of course I wouldn't let him. Somehow, he noticed that determination on me and retreated, waiting for my attack. When I did, he blocked and counterattacked, almost trapping me.

I realized one of the tactics I used to have, while fighting him: I always used his weakness against him, which was his raging wrath. It made him slower and a worse strategist in a fight. His battle aura would flare skyrocket, and he would soon appeal to ki attacks, which are efficient but strenuous. Now it's gone. He was not determined to defeat me, or prove himself a better fighter than me. He was sparring with me, and sparring only. We kept fighting, in both air and ground; I admit that he was marveling me. I didn't have such a sparring partner, or such a match, in a long time.

I trapped him to the ground, knowing that he could still break free and push us back to the air. We were very very close, both sweaty and panting. I waited for his reaction, he gave me none. I kept him close in my trapping embrace, grabbing him harder by his wrists; he relaxed his body on my arms, his eyes fiery hot, his mouth slightly parted.

He was so beautiful like that, the perfect balance between power and vulnerability…

My mind reeled. The perception of his proximity, his scent, the touch of a body I came to know so well in my disguise, and the very same mindblowing attraction I felt so many years ago mingled on all my senses; dulling all of them to nothing but him, there. Again, my male body responded much faster, almost too fast for me to realize the impending disaster to come if I stayed there, pressing onto him on a sweaty floor.

My face was mere inches away from his.

I sincerely don't know how I could hide the beginning of the hard-on I had then. Anyway, the gods bless loose pants.

"Enough." His voice rasped, and I silently thanked him for breaking the moment. The only thing I could do was to nod while he backed from me and kneeled down the other corner of the dojo, panting from the rough exercise.

He used the collar of his shirt to dry his forehead and his face, I was fighting hard to put myself together.

"You kept you vow" I said, much more to break the awkward atmosphere than anything, but I wasn't lying. "You still can hold a candle to me in a fight.

"Why, thanks" His sardonic tone annoyed me, but I also distinctively felt him rising up his defenses. My mouth went dry by just imagining he could have sensed my arousal, even though calling this 'arousal' would be simplistic as fuck. "You also gave me a good workout."

"We…" I tried to say something, anything to keep him from dashing away from the Dojo, and keep a leverage to let him comfortable to come back. But what the fuck Ranma Saotome would say to keep Ryoga Hibiki 'comfortable', anyway? "…Should fight for real some time."

He gave me one of those looks I couldn't read anymore.

"Tomorrow at the same time, Mr. P?"

"Tomorrow at the same time." He answered, to then bow, like a student would bow to his sensei, but with a mock smirk. "Sensei"

I went home, straight to the cold shower to cut out a raging hard-on; but the sensorial overload of him at that dojo didn't let me as a girl, much the other way around. Mainly because my female body was imprinted by his hands on me, on a different kind of spar, and only the memory of that was driving me crazy. And this frenzy state of conscience didn't let me realize how deep I was sinking when I picked the phone to call him as Kaori to set a date at that same evening.

As usual, he said yes. However, I didn't want to go to some random place to have some booze and then go to his house to get laid. I met him straight there. Lucky me he was in that mood, too.

As he opened the door and saw it was me, he dragged me in to then push me to the wall, his hands all over my body. The way we were grappling to each other resembled an awful lot the way we grappled to each other earlier, when I was male and sparring with him; and I couldn't tell if it was me guiding him into it or if it was him still under the effects of that moment in the Dojo – because as much as I'd like to think he didn't notice or didn't feel anything weird, I knew well how farfetched this possibility was. But then, at his house, on his bedroom, that pent-up tension was okay – I was his Kaori, and Kaori was no fragile damsel. 'She' was a martial artist who could take his heat at its worst.

We both wanted it rough, as harsh as possible. He wanted to hear me wincing in pain, I wanted to pull his hair and hear him grunting in response, mimicking his grunts while I hit him and he hit me back on our sparring session. Then he turned me on my back, put me on my fours, lubricated me the best he could to take me from behind while jerking me off with his other hand.

I couldn't help myself from thinking about the night we and Akane had our final fight, on how I wanted to punish her with that for busting me and exposing me the way she did. But he wasn't causing me much pain; it wasn't meant to be a punition, was it?

And his Kaori wouldn't wince away from him. Akane would, any other girl he'd find here would; but I would not.

It hurt, yes, but while he kept stimulating me and I grew used to it, the pain mingled with the pleasure – just like I wanted it to on the dojo floor. My body responded in kind, heating out of conscious control and trembling so much I had a hard time steadying myself on position while my body contracted violently due to the orgasm that came as a freight train, for me and for him.

I gave myself away. Also, I realized I'd gladly do it as my male self, if I had the chance.

'Kaori' wasn't entirely a lie, after all.

OOO


To the footnotes and rambled reports:

Well, I know you guys who follow this got a while without any words from me - I am deeply sorry, I've been incredibly busy this month due to my master's degree, my thesis and all. But fear not! These babies WILL be finished - and soon. After april 28th, I'll be a free gurl again, and you'll hear a lot from Ranma, Ryoga and the deep shitty mess they've got themselves this time.

Also, I'd like to thank the followers and favoriters here, and a big very special thank to desierto for her review! Well, I hope you guys like this one!

Stay tuned!


Human Being, 04/03/2014