"What in the underworld is this place?" asked Joker, as his eyes scanned the horizon of land in the distance. It appeared to be an archipelago of many islands all connected between various waterways.
"I think it's Prime Peninsula," said Rocco. "Home of the Flash, the God of Wind and Speed, and messenger to the gods."
"Oh great, I get to encounter another god," muttered Joker. "Hope this one isn't as touchy and humorless as Aquaman."
"From what I hear, the Flash has a great sense of humor," said Rocco. "He's always making wisecracks."
"Really? Then we should get along like a house on fire," said Joker. "Unless he's a friend of Aquaman's, of course. You never know which of these super-powered freaks are friends or foes at any given time – one moment they're trying to kill each other, the next they're best buddies because their moms had the same name."
"I guess alliances between immortals are fragile at best," said Rocco. "Since they live forever, they don't have much else to do but fight each other."
"There's probably some deep philosophical point there about the inherent violent nature of humanity and its inability to ever live in peace no matter how many centuries pass," commented Joker. "But who do I look like, Socrates?"
"No, you're taller than he was," said Rocco. "But he also didn't much care for the gods, if you recall, and was sentenced to death for his beliefs. And I imagine his poisoning was quicker and less painful than your punishment for insulting the gods."
"Yeah, but I ain't gonna die," retorted Joker. "I won't give Aquaman that pleasure, the sadistic freak."
"Just try to be nice to the Flash, please," begged Rocco, as their ship touched ground. "Maybe he can help smooth things over with Aquaman."
"If we can find him, I will be," said Joker, looking around at the bustling community in front of him. "But this place is packed. At least we can stock up on supplies in these busy markets. If we can get near the stalls, of course," he muttered, as people knocked against him. "Hey, buddy, have you seen the Flash?" he asked a nearby randomer with rainbow hair.
"No, but he should be zipping along at any moment," replied the man. "He likes to get his exercise by running around the island a few hundred times a day."
"That's good and healthy – he probably stays outta trouble that way, unlike the rest of those superfreaks," said Joker, nodding. "Good for him."
"Yeah, he's great," agreed the man. "Not at all like those other supernatural weirdos – he actually cares about the people in his city. We're kinda best friends, y'know."
Rocco was staring from Joker to the man. "Boss...he sounds exactly like you."
"Does he?" asked Joker, surprised. "I hadn't noticed. What's your name, pal?"
"I'm the Trickster of Prime Peninsula," said the man. "Who are you?"
"I'm the Joker of Arkham," replied Joker.
"The Joker of Arkham?" repeated a voice, as a man suddenly appeared by their side. He was dressed all in red, with a lightning bolt symbol on his chest, and that coupled with his constant zipping from place to place confirmed him as the Flash. "I've heard a lot about you," he said.
"Yeah, well, if it's from Aquaman, don't believe everything you hear," retorted Joker.
"No, it was actually from Wonder Woman," replied Flash. "She was full of nothing but praise - I think she's got a little crush on you."
"Well, the feeling's not mutual," retorted Joker.
"Why not? Doncha think she's hot?" asked Flash.
"If you're into that kinda thing, I guess," said Joker, shrugging. "She's a little too 'girl power' for my taste. Plus that whole immortal thing is a real turn-off – she's like, what, eight-hundred years old? You'd just keep thinking about that during the act – it'd creep me out. Plus I'm married and frankly, my wife is a lot hotter, and not eight-hundred years old. But, y'know, if you're into Wonder Woman, I change my opinion completely, since you probably have great taste…" he added, noticing the desperate look he was getting from Rocco.
"Nah, she wouldn't look twice at a guy like me," replied Flash. "She's all about Superman and Batman and those kinda guys."
"Hey, don't sell yourself short, buddy," said the Trickster, patting him on the back. "You're a catch for any gal. If Wonder Woman can't see that, then you're better off without her."
"Yeah, what he said," agreed Joker, nodding.
"You know, you two kinda sound alike," commented Flash.
"Yeah, so we've been told," said Joker. "Weird, huh? Though honestly it's not the weirdest thing to happen to me lately…"
"You can tell me all about it at my temple," said Flash, nodding toward a structure in the distance. "Just follow me!" he said, instantly disappearing as he darted off.
"He'll do that, but he'll come back for you," said the Trickster. "Or you can just follow me – I know the way."
Joker related the story of his adventures so far to the Flash, who had ordered a feast for him. The Trickster was also in attendance, and when Joker had finished his story at last, they both nodded sympathetically with him.
"Well, I agree with your opinion on Aquaman," said Flash. "We had a race once across the sea - I could actually run fast enough to run on water, but he cheated by getting his dolphins to attack me to slow me down. If getting you home is gonna make him angry, I'll help you out."
"See? Is my buddy Flash a benevolent god or what?" asked the Trickster, smiling at Joker.
"Yeah, he's great," agreed Joker. "Much better than the rest of those humorless jerks."
"Tell me about it," sighed Flash. "You know I've never seen Batman crack a smile? Though I guess I can't blame him for that, after where Superman stuck him. Out of all the gods, he's got the worst job and location, so I guess it's understandable that he's a little grumpy."
"At least he ain't lost on the seas trying to get home," retorted Joker. "He probably needs to get some perspective."
"Well, you won't be lost on the seas much longer," said Flash. "I've got a plan. As god of the winds, I'm going to put some winds in a bag, and you can go back on your ship, point your sails in the direction of home, and then release the wind to take you there. You should be home in no time – certainly too quickly for Aquaman to realize what's going on and stop you."
"You really think that's gonna work?" asked Joker. "I'm not doubting you – it just seems almost too easy, and kinda an anti-climax. I mean, I insulted a god repeatedly, and my punishment is gonna be one trial with a cannibal crocodile-man and then I'm home. It just sounds kinda too good to be true, especially in a supposedly epic narrative."
"Hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth, haven't you ever heard that expression?" asked Trickster.
"Yeah, and the last time I heard it was in front of the gates of Troy," retorted Joker. "And then we sprang out of the gift horse and slaughtered everyone. So I'm a little wary of it now."
"Look, Joker, you have my word as a god, this'll work," said Flash. "You'll be home with your wife and kids before dinnertime, I guarantee it."
Joker inherently mistrusted gods, but he didn't have a lot of choice at this point. Plus Flash seemed genuine and sincere, and if the Trickster vouched for him, that was enough for Joker. If you couldn't trust a guy who sounded just like you, who could you trust?
And so they loaded a big bag full of wind onto the ship, and then lowered the sails, pointing them towards home. Once everyone was on board, Joker opened the bag, and the ship disappeared over the water like a shot.
"Hey, I just thought of something," said Trickster, who had come with Flash to the dock to wave them off. "How he's gonna stop?"
"Hmm…y'know, I didn't think about that," said Flash, slowly. "Geez, I hope he can. Or he's gonna overshoot his home and just keep going."
A few minutes later, on Arkham Island, Harleen looked up from the tapestry she was working on. "Did you kids hear that?" she asked.
"Yeah," said Arleen. "Sounds like the noise one of my arrows makes after I release it – sorta a swishing sound."
"And something else, which sounded kinda like a voice," said J.J.
"Yeah, it kinda sounded like your father's voice," said Harleen. "Saying words you kids aren't old enough to hear. Well, it's probably my imagination," she sighed, turning back to her tapestry. "Wishful thinking on my part, to hear his voice saying anything."
Meanwhile, Joker's ship had indeed zipped right past Arkham Island, and was now skidding over the water straight toward another. "We're gonna crash!" shouted Rocco, as the island came up fast.
"Brace yourselves!" shouted Joker, as the ship impacted with the land and shattered into several pieces. He and his men were thrown onto the beach, and Joker sat up slowly, wiping the sand off.
"The next time I see the Flash, remind me to punch him," he muttered. "That Trickster guy too – serves me right for trusting a guy called that, even if he does sound like me."
"Where are we now?" asked Rocco, looking around.
"I dunno," said Joker, checking to make sure his medallion was still safe. "But I'm really hoping it's not another island belonging to a god."
"Not unless there's a god of pigs," commented Rocco.
"Pigs?" repeated Joker. Rocco pointed, and Joker turned to see several wild pigs wallowing happily in a nearby mud pit.
"Well, at least we won't starve here," said Joker. "Looks like there's a lotta vegetation for them and us to eat too – I don't think I've ever seen so many plants."
"Yeah…weird looking ones," agreed Rocco, nervously.
"Well, hello there," purred a voice. Everyone looked up to see a woman standing in front of them, a very beautiful woman with a sultry smile. "Welcome to my island, gentlemen."
"Uh…thanks," said Joker, slowly. "And you are?"
"My name is Circe," she replied. "I get so lonely here on this island all by myself, and I do so love having visitors. Especially men," she added, with another smile. "Won't you follow me to my house where you can rest and eat? You must be tired and hungry from your long voyage."
"Actually, it was kinda a short voyage this time," commented Joker. "But sure, thanks. I mean, I just had a feast on Flash's island, so I'm kinda stuffed, but I'm sure the guys could eat."
"I hope you like meat," said Circe. "I don't serve anything else – there's no need to with all the pigs on this island, and I've developed quite a taste for their flesh."
"Yeah, pork's great," said Joker. "I think we can all agree there's no better food in the world than bacon."
His men all nodded as they entered Circe's home. It was covered in more of the strange plants, but the dining room was clean and tidy and laden with all manner of pork dishes – roast pork, suckling pig, and every variation imaginable.
"Please help yourself," said Circe, gesturing to it. The men needed no second bidding, digging into the bountiful feast with relish.
"So you…raise pigs?" asked Joker, as he took a seat next to Circe.
"Yes, in a manner of speaking," she agreed, nodding. "I cultivate them, but they do most of the work themselves."
"I guess nature does tend to take care of things like that," agreed Joker. "All you need is a male pig and a female pig…"
"All my pigs are male," interrupted Circe.
Joker stared at her. "Then…how do you breed them?" he asked, slowly. "This isn't one of those 'life will find a way' things that'll end with the pigs escaping and eating us all in some twisted theme park, is it?"
"Well, when you think about it, there are many similarities between a man and a pig," commented Circe. "Look at your men, stuffing their faces, just like animals. In fact, the similarities are so strong that all it takes is a few little herbs, and you can actually transform men into pigs. It's just a small step further in their evolution, after all. Or I guess that should be devolution," she added. "Men devolving into swine does seem like the natural order of things to me."
"Yeah…sure," said Joker, slowly.
"And men deserve to be pigs," continued Circe. "Fat, lazy, pathetic creatures who live in filth, and feed on junk. Sick, disgusting, primitive animals who know only how to take and take to satisfy their perverted appetites. They deserve to be slaughtered and devoured, all of them."
Circe had gradually dropped her inviting smile, and her face was now hard and cruel and angry. But she smiled again as one of the men suddenly choked, falling to his knees. "See how easily they transform?" she asked, as the man began to change shape, his body twisting as he grew hooves and a snout. "That's how I cultivate them – I just help men find their true form," she said, gesturing as another man fell to the ground, taking the shape of a pig, followed by another.
"Wait, what they've been eating…it's men you've turned into pigs?!" Joker demanded.
"Yes," said Circe, nodding. "And because they've eaten it, they will all transform, thanks to some herbs of my own invention. Plants are such miraculous creatures, aren't you, my precious?" she purred, as a vine slithered over to rub itself against her. "Sorry, I should have introduced myself properly," she said, smiling at Joker as the rest of his men transformed into pigs. "Circe was the name I was born with, but I prefer to be called Ivy. Poison Ivy."
