(A/N: The Following is a non-profit fanbased Parody. Mass Effect and all of its respective properties are copyright of Bioware, EA games and where credit is due. Please support the Offical release.)
Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied
Chapter 8
Commander Shepard sat there on his bed, staring at his macaroni picture of Ashley Williams. Keep in mind this was already a week he had been doing this, as well as eating unhealthy amounts of ice cream, watching several movies (mainly Nicholas Sparks adaptations), and played the only song appropriate to the situation.
"I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark,
When he made Pearl Harbor.
I miss you more than that movie missed the point,
And that's an awful lot.
And now, now you've gone away,
And all I'm trying to say,
Is Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you"
Suddenly, his door popped open to reveal Miranda Lawson, livid from the recent amount of inactivity.
"Shepard! What are you doing?"
"Go away! Leave me alone to my depression!" He said, covering a blanket over himself.
"Commander, this is highly unprofessional! The Collectors aren't simply going to sit around while you mope! The galaxy is in danger!" She cried out.
"No, it's not! I'm the main character, and story won't move without me!"
Miranda sighed and whispered to herself. "Not unless we release that clone of yours and kill you…"
"Say what, now?"
"Umm… I mean, the Illusive Man wants to speak with you!"
Shepard sighed and begrudgingly went along to the Debreifing room. There, in his bathroom robe and his bunny slippers he was met once again with the Illusive Man. Apparently, the boss was not pleased, not one bit in the slightest.
"Shepard! What are you doing?"
The Commander sighed and whispered. "I'm surrounded by darkness, my heart ripped from its natural habitat. Wherever I go, wherever I look, there's a forest of decrepit tress, its roots blocking the way. Oh, how long before death, sweet beautiful death, embraces me, consumes me, rapes me until I am-"
"Shepard, knock it off! This is a humor/parody fic, not an Angst one! Besides, our trap for the Collectors worked perfectly."
The Commander suddenly was stripped from his depression right back to anger.
"So it was you! You used Horizon as bait?"
"It was necessary. I let out a few… rumors that you were still alive. We needed to test if the Collectors were abducting colonists, and we were right. However, it only makes things worse: if the Collectors are this effective, we need to move quickly."
Shepard sighed. "Well, thanks a lot! You not only put a human colony at risk, but you also cost me my love interest. What else have you got for me, Santa?"
The Illusive Man took a long drag. "Shepard, you and your team's resolve will have to be in top shape for the mission. Once you go in, there's almost no guarantee you're making it back. I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but here it goes: Nobody likes Ashley Williams."
"What?" Shepard screamed. "N-no! That's not right! She has to have a fanbase; she has to!"
"Face it, Shepard. Your ex-girlfriend is an ugly,"
"Stop!" He said, covering his ears.
"Racist,"
"She's only like that because of her troubled family history,"
"Bible-thumping,"
"There's nothing wrong with being a little faithful,"
"Last generation rendered girl that no one likes!"
Shepard sighed, and breathed deeply. "But I liked her. How am I going to move on without her?"
"Shepard, need I remind you that among your crew are a woman who offers sex casually and a woman whose buttocks have become their own meme?"
"I thought it was pronounced "Meh Meh"."
"It is not. Now, I have 3 more dossiers for you. One of them is a romantic interest and the others are not. I trust you have enough common sense to decide which is which. Now, get going. The Galaxy needs us."
Shepard took a deep breath and beat his chest. "He's right. Time to save the world and bang hot chicks along the way!"
However, as he was about to leave, he noticed Jacob, uncloaked and fully visible.
"Jacob? Why aren't you blending into the background as usual?"
"I dunno, Commander. That stuff on Horizon got me thinking… this might really be it. And, well… part of me wants to take care of family business before we leave."
Shepard nodded and went to see Kelly, who had some surprising news for him.
"Commander, did you know we had a Black officer on deck?" She said, concerned.
"Jacob? He's always been there. Wait, you noticed Jacob?"
"Yeah!"
"Wow," Shepard said. "He must have some baggage if he's noticed by you."
"By the way," Kelly said. "Miranda would also like to speak to you about personal matters as well."
Shepard nodded as he went to the Armory to see Jacob.
"Commander…" He started, almost frustrated to get any words out. "I'm sorry. I'm just a bit… distracted. Can't really focus, but it won't affect gameplay, I promise."
"I'll say. Your obscurity powers have no effect here. You're fully noticeable." He said.
"Hi, Jacob!" A crew officer said, passing by.
"What's wrong?" Shepard asked.
"Well… it's just that… my father was a Lieutenant on the Gurnsback. It was a resort cruise for singles but it went out of orbit. Now, I just received a distress signal. Commander, that ship went missing for 10 years and I had not spoken to my father 3 years prior. It should also be noted that this isn't standard protocol to receive this news. I received it through Cerberus channels. Someone must be messing with me…"
Shepard nodded. "Umm… Jacob. Before we go, did you… say… have any outstanding problems with your father? Like, he was a prick to you and your mom?"
"Nah, he raised me okay. But when he left, I was sort of blasé about it all. I'm just really curious, that's all."
"Okay, it might take a while, but we'll find that resort cruise."
"Thanks, Commander." Jacob said. "It's a little weird getting all this attention all of a sudden."
"Jacob," Another random NPC asked. "Do you want decaf or regular coffee?"
"See?"
Shepard took a mental note of that, while he took the elevator down to meet with Miranda, looking rather distressed.
"Commander, I find myself in the unpleasant position of asking for your help."
Shepard shrugged. "Why? The fact you're asking for help or the fact it's me you're asking for help."
"I didn't mean to offend you." Miranda said. "It's just that I'm not used to talking about personal issues with others. Which I why I made something to make me feel a little more comfortable."
"Wait…" Shepard said, seeing Miranda prepare the projector.
"You made a powerpoint presentation of your personal quest?"
"Yes. You see, my father, a rich and powerful business man, has somehow tracked my twin sister. I took my sister with me when I ran away. However, it seems that he's somehow found her and sent his mercenaries, mostly Eclipse mercs, to capture her. Cerberus has already arranged for a transport, but I need your help."
"Great, more daddy issues…" Shepard murmured to himself. "Wait, Miranda you said this was your twin sister?"
"Yes. Commander, if you help me here, I would be eternally grateful." The Cerberus Operative leaned over and smiled.
"Miranda!" The Cameraman said. "Would you mind moving just a bit to the right?"
"Oh, sorry!" She said. "Am I blocking the shot?"
"…Yes."
"Alright. Send the coordinates to Joker and we'll head straight there."
As Shepard stepped out of Miranda's office, he took a small note pad and scribbled a small memo.
"Twincest with Miranda. Possible threeway"
(A/N: In order to clarify Bioware's lack of skill in face modeling, Miranda, in this context, is noted to be 'attractive'.)
"Joker! Set course! We're going to Illium!"
Illium…
"Illium is the homeworld of the Asari. As such, it contains vast amounts of wealth, power and beauty. However, being on the edge on the Terminus, the homeworld is riffled with a dark underbelly. With contracts into slavery, thievery and smuggling, almost anything outside of murder is legal in Illium. One should take precaution in what one signs on the homeworld as well as their fabulous top 10 lists, including, "Most Wealthiest" and "Most Garish teeth decoration."
"Hmm… sounds grim." Shepard said, on the Docking bay. Going with Miranda and Jacob, the Commander was taken back when he saw an Asari, fully armed approach the group.
"Commander Shepard?" The Asari said.
"Umm… me? No. You must mean my friend, over here in the Cerberus get up." He said pointing to Jacob. Needless to say, Mr. Taylor was not pleased at this.
"No, I don't think so. Ms. T'soni's description of you was very vivid."
"Oh! Thank goodness!" Shpeard said. "Liara sent you. I was worried with the armed escort."
"It pays to be cautious. Your docking fee has been paid. Please see Dr. T'soni up the stairs after 2 rights. Have a pleasant day!"
Shepard and company exchanged a quick nod before heading into Illium, surrounded by massive skyscrapers and a permenant Sunset.
"Now available to stream on Omni-tools, Blasto, the First Hanar spectre."
"Career opportunities await you at the Blue Suns. Join today and recommend a friend, too!"
"Get your fresh Varren steaks at the Fish Dog Food Factory! Now, buy 3 and get the 4th free!"
"Wow," Shepard said. "This place makes Noveria look subtle."
"Excuse me," a rather haggard, yet free spirited Asari said. "I heard you mention something about Noveria?"
"Umm… sorry, I don't have any spare change." Shepard said, taking a few steps back.
"Do not be alarmed. I am simply a messenger. Listen…
Shepard. We sing your praises each day and are rebuilding in secret. We will join you to fight those who corrupted us."
"The Rachni!" Shepard shouted. "But, I thought you only took over dead victims."
"Sorry," The Asari said, her eyes turning back to normal. "I am simply a messenger to those far greater than I. I had met contact with them when my ship crashed. However, once I saw their glory, I instantly changed my lifestyle. I used to be the CEO of a giant corporation, but now… I'm enjoying life and nature surrounding it."
"Another good action by the Rachni…" Shepard said. "Tell her to be good, and not eat people."
"Of course! Peace forever, man!"
Shepard turned to his companions. "That was curious. I wonder if there's anyone else I met along my travels here?"
"Shepard?" A faux kind voice said. "Holy crap, I thought you were dead."
The Commander turned around only to see Gianni Parasini taking a drink.
"Hey, it's that big fraudy fake on Noveria, Gianni Parasini. How are ya, you big fake?"
"Still not over my deceiving you on Noveria, huh?" The corporate spy said, taking a swig.
"I tend to hold grudges. How've you been?"
"Good. Been around, serving court orders, spying on competitors, the usual. You?"
Shepard shrugged. "Pretty much the same: trying to fend of political pull back, ranting about the Reapers when no one believes me. That sort of thing."
"Huh. Figures." Gianni, however continually stares at an Asari at a Kiosk. She nods and leaves a dossier on the desk. "Listen, Shepard, I have to do something. Why don't you… drink your beer."
As the Spy left for the shadows, Shepard picked up the dossier and read it. On it, Gianni asked the Commander to ask for the 'special' selection not marked on the store. Shepard turned to his crewmates and nodded.
"Ahem." Shepard said, seeing the Asari turn around.
"Welcome! What can I do for you today?"
"Umm… do you sell 'anything else' but mods?"
The Asari looked around. "Why are you using air quotes?"
"Sorry, force of habit. Is there… anything else that's not listed on the Kiosk?"
The Asari looked around and whispered. "Meet me in the alley in the back. Handjobs and Anal are 500 credits. Half and Half are 300."
"N-no! I meant… 'products'."
"Oh! Of course! We have available sizes for everyone, including Turian, Batarian, Krogan-"
"I meant weapons mods like maybe from… Noveria!"
The Asari smiled and bopped herself on the head. "Oh! Sorry, I do sidejobs. Here you go!"
"That's far enough!" Gianni said, coming right in.
"Parasini!"
"You're under arrest for selling illegal mods and prostitution on the side. I may not have any authority here on Illium, but you've done more than enough to damage your reputation. Hire a lawyer quick, before I sue your blue ass pantless!"
The Asari ran away quickly, as Gianni gave a loud chuckle.
"Thanks for the help, Shepard. What are you gonna do next?"
"There's a Drell, an Asari Justicar and a possible threeway with twins waiting for me. I'll go where the win takes me."
The Corporate spy smiled. "Well… here's one for the road." Gianni then leaned over and gave a peck on Shepard's cheek, showing her appreciation.
"Hmm… I could get used to this!" Shepard said, as he went up the stairs to meet with Liara T'soni.
"Have you ever faced an Asari Commando, before?" The former Archaeologist said. "Few people have."
"I'll make this simple. You deliver the credits I want, or I flail you alive… with my mind! Shepard!"
Liara quickly turned to her former crewmate and gave him a great big hug. "You're alive… it's so good to see you!"
"Liara, I might just be taking this horribly out of context, but here it goes: Were you threatening that guy?"
The Asari smirked. "Oh. Him. Don't worry, they pay, they always pay."
Shepard gulped a little as he sat by his former squadmate. "How have you been? I heard you were working for the Shadow Broker."
"And you, Cerberus. These have been a long 2 years, Shepard. I've had… debts to pay."
"Don't worry about it!" Shepard said. "Join my crew! We'll stop whoever's in your way!"
"I can't, Shepard. I'm working for the Shadow Broker, now. I have to be discreet."
Shepard looked around. "Discreet about what? Are you trouble or som-"
"Shh!" Liara said, covering his mouth. "Not so loud! Listen… I need you to hack some terminals for me. Then I can explain more."
"Well, then… can you at least give me some information about these squadmates?" The Commander said, handing Liara 2 dossiers.
"Let's see… Thane Krios' contact can be found near the docking bay and you can talk to a tracking officer to find Samara."
Shepard nodded. "By the way, do you know where we can find an Asari named Lentia?"
"Oh, her? She should be staying at the Eternity lounge, down the stairs, to your right. Good luck, Shepard. I'm counting on, you."
The Commander then proceeded to the Eternity, lounge only to have a disgruntled Asari pace around outside.
"Damn that idiot! Some asshole's trying to shakedown my bar, trying to get the property rights, but I'll get him. One more attempt and the security cameras will send that idiot to prison!"
Shepard and company stared at each other and shrugged. They went inside the bar, only to find a blond ne'er-do-well, threating the shopkeep.
"Oh yeah! Don't push me around; I'm a badass!" The voice said.
"Uh-huh." The Asari bartender nodded.
"Crap! Look away!" Shepard said to his companions. "If we're lucky, he won't notice-"
"Commander Shepard!"
"Oh, great… Conrad! It's been… far too soon!"
The fanboy kept getting closer and closer to the commander. "It's been so long since I've seen you. I've been doing so much that I-"
"Conrad! What did we say about Commander Shepard's personal space?"
The blond man sighed. "Commander Shepard's personal space is not to be violated without permission. Always assume you do not have permission."
"That's right! Now, why are you shaking this bartender down for the ownership?"
The blond man smiled and walked around. "I'm learning from the best. 2 years ago you shoved a gun at my face and was a real jerk to me. But I learned well, and I became… hardcore…"
Shepard rubbed his temple. "Conrad, you're very, very confused. I was nice to you, remember. I was very patient with you, too… which is now running thin."
"Nuh-uh! I remember because I have a photogenetic memory. See? Here's a flashback!"
What Conrad remembers…
"Grr! Go away, I don't like you anymore, and you smell!"
"How could you, Commander Shepard! I worshiped you! You were a hero to me! No, I won't leave, no matter what nasty thing you do!"
"Go away before I shoot you!"
"Boo-hoo!"
"And that's exactly what happened!" Conrad said, crossing his arms. No one said anything for a good while.
"Conrad, you're sick. You're very, very sick, and I don't want anything to happen to you in this fragile state of mind. Now, tell me what you were doing to this bartender…"
"You'll never guess what happened! While I was cosplaying, they make really good replicas y'know, this Asari gave me a tip to shake down this place. Apparently, it's a red sand joint!"
The Asari bartender sighed. "There's so many holes in your logic, it's a wonder that you know how to dress yourself."
"Okay. Conrad, wait here and do nothing! Do you understand? Nothing but breathe. I'm going to go talk to this Asari, and straighten this out."
"Thanks! The undercover agent's by the weapon's kiosk. It's great having back again!"
Shepard, while walking to the Weapons kiosk, was confronted by Miranda.
"Commander, not to be a bother, but how long are we going to get sidetracked by these insignificant side quests? My sister's life is at stake."
"Miranda, don't worry your pretty head. I just need to make sure this fanboy doesn't get himself into any more trouble."
Shepard, coming across the docking bay, went to see the Asari near the weapon's Kiosk.
"Excuse me, but did you happen to tell a man named Conrad Verner to get the lease on the Eternity Bar?"
The Asari nodded condescendingly. "Oooh, you're Conrad's friend! Yes, that place is a naughty, bad people place. You should go there and get me the ownership-"
"Cut the crap! We all know you pulled a fast one over Conrad."
"Oh, so what now?"
Shepard smiled, using his CHARM skill. "Why, I just happened to get your lease for you. Just go up and ask away…"
"Oh! That's somewhat kind and abrupt for you. Thanks! Here's a discount."
As the Asari left, Jacob was shaking his head. "Wasn't that more of a Renegade command, sir?"
"Hey, don't question the morality of gaming."
Shepard and company went back to the Eternity bar, only to find the weapons keeper Asari surrounded by, what was most likely, the authorities.
"No! You don't understand! I-I was told I had already gotten the lease from this place. Tell them, Shepard! Tell them!"
The Authorities turned to the Commander, who simply shrugged. This promptly led to the Asari being taken far, far away.
"What happened?" Conrad asked, his eyes beaming with innocence.
"Simple, young fanboy!" Shepard said. "The Asari wasn't actually an undercover agent, like you thought."
"She wasn't?"
"No. She was actually a spy! She would've taken this place, but luckily I stopped her."
"Golly!" Conrad said while Shepard's companions were simultaneously beating their heads against a nearby wall.
"But this has taught me an important lesson! If something happened to you, my biggest fan, I wouldn't have been able to go on!"
"Gosh darnit! All my interfering has left you unable to save the galaxy from certain destruction. I should've known better; from now on, I'm sticking to regular NPC actions!"
"You promise?" Shepard asked.
"I promise!"
"Seriously, don't come up in the 3rd game."
"I won't!"
As Shepard and Conrad parted sorryful goodbyes, he chuckled and turned to the Cerberus operative. However, his laughter slowly died down, in realization that she wasn't in the mood for games.
"(Ahem), Right! Let's go save Miranda's sister!"
The trio took a couple of steps forward to find the contact.
"Ms. Lawson? I'm Lentia. There's been a change of plans concerning your sister's relocation."
"What?" Miranda said, shocked. "Is she alright?"
"She's fine for now, but you listed someone as Niket as your trusted contact? He wants to change the family's location, but Eclipse mercs seem to be getting in the way. He needs your help."
"Do as he says. We'll provide cover fire while he changes the family's location."
Shepard turned to her. "Niket? Who's he?"
"My bestest- Err… I mean, my best friend from when I was raised by my father. Niket helped me escape the first time. Don't worry; he can be trusted. Shepard, we leave on your orders."
"Take it away, Blue Lady!" Shepard claimed.
"Excuse me?" The Asari asked accusingly.
"Umm… I mean… please take us there."
The Docking Bay…
Shepard and Miranda took a taxi to the area. However, from the sight of the Gunship on their right side window, Shepard could tell when a fight was coming.
"Dammit!" Miranda said. "Those Mercs are closing in on us."
There was a brief exchange of fire, before presumably the leader of the mercs, told them to cease fire.
"Shepard, we may be headed into a real firefight. Are you sure this is the right team for the job?"
Shepard looked in the back, seeing Grunt resting comfortably.
"Oh, c'mon, you two have a lot in common: you're both biogenetically engineered pinnacles of your species!"
Miranda glared at Shepard.
"Oh, all right. Let's head out."
Miranda glared at the mercenaries, prepared to engage them. "I assume since you've stopped firing you know who we are."
"Yeah. Our boss paid us good money to get the girl. You should leave now. Not only is Niket not gonna answer, but our boss Enyala ain't so forgiving."
"You've got a lot of nerve, showing up here."
"The same could be said for you. You stole a baby from the richest man in the galaxy."
Shepard immediately butted in.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! Cue record scratch! Miranda, you told me you were part of a matched set!"
The mercenary leader laughed. "Is that what she told you? No. This crazy bitch stole our boss's baby girl."
"Shepard, it's complicated. We share the same DNA, just not the same birthdate. And at any rate, does it really matter?"
The Commander begrudgingly took out his notepad. "Well for one thing, it puts a damper on my sexual fantasies."
"Shepard!"
"Right. Priorities. You're not getting that girl!"
"Our boss gave told us to give you one chance to walk away. Do so, and you won't be harmed. My men have been…"
However, as the mini-boss dragged on incessantly about his defenses, another shipment of LOL mechs were on their way. Miranda stared at Shepard, signaling a Renegade Interrupt.
"C'mon! We can take 'em!" Shepard said, unwilling to do so.
Miranda glared at him.
"I don't wanna earn more renegade points. Not after all the moisturizing I've done!"
"Commander…"
"Oh, all right! Fine!" Shepard pressed the trigger, snapping the leader's neck while Miranda plugged several bullets into another merc.. Shepard then added the Coup'de grace and blasted the shipment container sending the shipment crashing down while killing 2 guards in the process.
"Finally!" Grunt said, unloading his shotgun.
"If I break out in Zits, I'm blaming you!" Shepard cried, firing away at the enemies. The Eclipse mercs were tenacious, unrelenting and had their mixture of shields, tech and biotics. However, they failed to take one thing into account.
"I. AM. KROGAN!" Grunt cried as he charged and bowled over several mercs in the process.
"And you didn't want to bring him along…" Shepard smirked.
"I still don't want to bring him along! What if he endangers my sister?" Miranda cried, firing away at the enemies. However, after several long firefights, the crew came across a Walkie-talkie.
"Check. Check. Is anyone there? Oh, c'mon! Just because you dumped me doesn't mean you can give me the cold shoulder!"
"Okay, let's we've got to get some things out in the open." Shepard said. "Why didn't you say your sister was a kid?"
"She's not a child; she'll be 19 by the end of this year. My father simply chose to 'birth' her at a different time."
Shepard paused for a moment, before taking out his notebook again.
"That could work…"
"Focus, sir. We need to get to her before the mercenaries do."
Shepard sighed. "Alright… What's the layout of the docking bay?"
"There's going to be large amounts of people's baggage blocking you. You'll have to time your shots, otherwise you'll just be wasting ammo."
Shepard shook his head. "Because if it's one thing I needed in this game, it's to be pressed to find ammo. One more thing. Miranda, how much do you trust Niket?"
"With my life! He could've turned me in when I was escaping, but he didn't. He's my BFF!"
"…I take it you were rather young when you ran away."
"I happened to be very mature for a 13 year old!" She said, continuing to lead. However, further and further they went, more Eclipse mercenaries were blocking them. Luckily, with the help of wit, intellect, and… the fact that a very large, very angry Krogan was with them made the whole level a lot easier. However, all was not sunshine as roses as they listened in on the conversation between the mercenaries.
"Hurry! We're closing in on the kid!"
"Dammit, I'm not letting get to Oriana!" Miranda stated, blasting her way through the mercenaries.
"Sure wish my sister was that motivated to see me." Shepard grumbled, as he and Grunt played catch-up. While the two slaughted, shot and pretty much killed whatever was in their general direction, they finally caught up to the brunette.
"Jesus," Shepard said, panting. "I gotta cut down on the fries. Miranda-"
"Shh!" She said, listening through the walkie-talkie.
"Okay, it's done. Niket will transfer the family to us."
"What? No!" The Cerberus Operative said. "Niket wouldn't, he couldn't! There has to be some sort of misunderstanding!"
"Umm… Miranda…" Shepard said, seeing the various mercenaries fill the floor.
"Maybe, he's double-crossing them… Or... leading them into a trap or-"
"Miranda!" Shepard cried, pointing to the mercs.
"Or maybe he's trying to signal me and telling me he needs help!"
"Oh, screw it! Grunt!" Shepard said, ducking towards cover. Luckily, he and the Krogan squadmate were more than enough to tackle the Eclipse mercenaries while Miranda was lost in thought. Finally, after many, many enemies lay dead on the battlefield, Miranda walked towards the elevator in a daze.
"Maybe he knows the mercs are listening in or, he could be in a situation where he can't do anything else or-"
Shepard finally grabbed the brunette by the shoulders.
"Get a hold of yourself, woman! (Slap!) (Slap!) (Slap!)"
The Cerberus second-in-command finally regained her senses.
"I Apologize, Commander. I was just a bit shaken up."
"Wow, I can't believe that worked." He chuckled.
"It's just that- Niket couldn't have betrayed me. He wouldn't. Not his BFF!"
"Miranda, what if he did?" Shepard asked.
"No, it's impossible- he wouldn't have-"
"Miranda!" Shepard said. "You're not listening to me. Forget everything you know for a moment and consider the .01 percent chance he betrayed you. What then?"
"Then… then… that would mean Oriana has little enough time as it is! We have to get to her! Damn this elevator!" She said, slamming her fist into it "Why won't it go any faster?"
"Somebody didn't play the first game…" Shepard commented to himself.
The Final Docking area…
"No," Niket said frantically to the docking officer, "I-I do have authorization to change the family's booking!"
"I'm sorry, sir." The Asari said, looking at her dossier. "You're going to have to fill out the information again."
"But, I just did so!"
"Pencil is not an acceptable format. Please use Black or blue-"
"Dammit!" Niket screamed.
"This isn't worth my time, Niket." Captain Enyala said. "I have a whole battalion worth of mercs. Let's just blast our way there!"
"No!" Niket said. "That would be far too convienent and simple. We should do things the-"
However, Niket was cut off when he saw Shepard, Miranda and their Krogan cohort along side them.
"Miri?" Niket said. However, Shepard's crew instantly pulled out several guns in the process. The Docking administrator quickly tried to run away, but was quickly gunned down by Captain Enyala and her giant shotgun.
"Do you think we should've tried to save that dock worker?" Shepard asked.
"Who cares?" Miranda said. "She's just an airline worker. She's not even a real person."
"Now, Miranda…" Shepard said. "That's not very nice. It may be true; but it's still not very nice…"
Miranda stared at her former best friend, almost heart-broken to see Niket standing along side enemy lines.
"Just tell me why, Niket! Why?"
"Don't go pointing your finger at me, Miranda!" Niket cried. "I deserved to know you had stolen your baby sister! You broke the BBF code long before I did!"
"It was complicated!" Miranda said. "I didn't want Oriana to be found out!"
"Did Miranda's father buy you out?" Shepard asked.
"Yes. He gave me a great deal of money."
"Dammit, Niket!" Miranda said.
"Oh, get off your high horse, will you?" Niket said. "We're in the middle of a recession! Unemployment rates are higher than they've ever been, we've been cut off our unemployment benefits while you get it nice and easy on our top-of-the-line Alliance Stealth ship."
"You know… as much of a sell-out as he is, he does have sort of a point, Miranda."
"Is the family reunion done here?" Enyala said. "Unless Cerberus let's you walk around half-naked, I'd like to get this over with."
"Hey!" Shepard cried out. "Say what you will about Miranda! Say she's a thinly written character who's only here for fanservice to horny 13 year old boys. Say that she's simply here to pad out the celebrity voice acting.
But, DON'T. KNOCK. THE. CAT-SUIT."
Miranda rolled her eyes. "Way to come to my defense, Commander…"
"You're welcome! Unfortunately, now that Niket is working with your dad, we're going to have to move your sister somewhere else."
"No, you won't." Niket said. "I knew you were listening in so I didn't say anything about the location. Your father doesn't know yet."
"Then you're the only loose end!" Miranda said. "There's no choice. Goodbye, Niket!"
Shepard then saw opportunity for a Paragon interrupt.
"Figuratively speaking, of cour-" Shepard managed to stop her mid-sentence.
"Okay, what did I say about one-liners?" Shepard said.
The Cerberus Operative sighed and rolled her eyes. "One-liners are a writer's poor attempt to relive 80's action cliché's and presumes to make the world more fantasy than realistic."
"Besides, he was your BFF. Sappy as it sounds, you had history together."
Miranda fumed and glared at Niket. "Fine! Get out of here, Niket! I never want to see you agai-"
A shotgun blast instantly killed Niket as he went limp on the floor. Miranda glared at Shepard.
"What're looking at me for? She's the one who shot him!"
"Good point! Raaaragh!" She cried, launching the Asari towards the background. Thus, Shepard and company were left to the usual situation of dealing with a multitude of enemies. Fortunately, the Commander had devised a brilliant strategy to deal with the Eclipse mercenaries.
"Grunt, look! New shotgun!" He said, pointing to Captain Enyala.
"Mine!" He cried, charging through the enemy line. And so, the enemy defenses were successfully defeated, Captain Enyala was dead and Grunt made out with a Prototype shotgun.
"I don't understand…" Miranda said.
"Hey, pretty necklace!" Shepard said, grabbing it and putting it in his pocket.
"Shepard, I'm kind of having a moment here…" She said.
"Oh, right. Go on."
"I can't believe Niket would've betrayed me like that. After all we've been through! Why didn't you let me kill him? He would've wounded up dead anyway!"
"Miranda, he was you BFF. And in the end, you would've just plain regretted it."
The Cerberus operative sighed. "I guess you're right… Be alert. More Eclipse could be at the Docking area.
The Final Docking Bay…
The trio went up finding no Eclipse mercenaries. Instead, they only found a young girl talking with her family.
"There she is…" Mirands stated. "Unharmed. She's… happy."
"I thought you were twins…" Shepard said.
"You're never going to let that go, are you?"
"I'm sorry! I have ambitions, too!"
Miranda stood for a moment and sighed. "We should go."
"Don't you wanna talk to her?"
"There's nothing to talk about. She's happy and I-I"
"Miranda, I'm going for Paragon mastery here. Just go and talk to her, already."
The Cerberus operative sighed. She slowly found herself walking towards the young woman. At first, she found herself at a lost for words. Finally, she exchanged dialogue with her sister (off-screen, of course. Besides, who'd want to listen to two estranged sisters getting together?)
After a long while, Miranda left with tears in her eyes. Oriana looked on as her big sister went on to save the galaxy.
"So… I'm guessing that's a no on the whole Ménage à trios thing?" Shepard said.
(Slap!)
(A/N: Has Commander Shepard earned Miranda's trust? What direction will he choose to take next? How long will he obsess over that threesome that will never happen? Find out next time in another exciting chapter of "Mass Effect 2: The Sequel that needed to be Parodied"! )
