Under the Skin – Chapter 8
He floated, lost. He was pain, and he existed, drifting in darkness. He had no awareness beyond pain, no understanding of what or who he was.
Suddenly, light, where there should be no light, and he realized pain was not what he had been feeling. He opened his mouth in a soundless scream.
Then warmth where it wasn't expected, soothing the pain away. His screams died, and suddenly, he was aware again. He was Carson. He did not yet know what that meant, but he could feel another there, so he waited to see what would happen.
"You should not be here."
He thought about that. "Who are you?"
"Think. Concentrate."
"No..." Pain, that was all he could remember. Even as he thought of it, the darkness seemed to press in on him.
"You are safe. We will not hurt you."
He whimpered, afraid. "Why am I here? Who am I? Who are you?"
"Be calm and concentrate. You know me. You must come to these things on your own. Breathe and concentrate. You've done it before."
The voice was holding the darkness away, so he was willing to trust it. Knew, somehow, that he had trusted it before. He thought hard, trying find his missing memories. "I am Carson. Right?"
"Yes. Very much so." It sounded amused.
He felt happiness that the voice was pleased. He wanted it to be proud of him. That sparked another memory. "Atlantis. I am from a place called Atlantis, aren't I? Carson from Atlantis," he sing-songed.
A quiet chuckle whirled around him. "Yes. Concentrate."
"Okay." He kept searching, looking for more memories. "I think…do I help people? I think I might like that."
"Yes, Carson, you do. You helped me."
"I did?" Wow, he had helped the nice voice. He liked that. "Good."
"But now, you're hurting yourself."
That seemed to make the voice sad, which made him sad. "Why am I doing that?"
"Because you care too much sometimes. Look too far under the surface."
He frowned, not sure what that meant, why that wasn't a good thing. "Why is that bad? If I help people, I have to care, don't I?"
"Because you end up hurting yourself." There was a pause before the voice continued. "You should not be here, but I'm not sure I can make you leave."
"Are you mad at me?" Carson cringed, hoping the voice wouldn't send him back into the darkness.
"No. Worried that you won't be able to get back to where you belong, to the friends you have."
"I have friends?" That sparked another memory. "Rodney. And John. They're my friends, aren't they?"
"Yes. Yes, they are. And you must go back to them."
"No! I...came here for a reason. Something was wrong. What was it?"
"There is nothing wrong. Please go back."
He was suddenly very tired. "Who are you? Why can't I remember? Can I rest first?"
"No! You can't…you shouldn't be here. It's not finished and it's harming you. Please concentrate and think of Atlantis and your friends. I cannot…I don't have the energy to send you back."
"I'm so tired though. It hurts to think anymore." He was starting to drift again, and the darkness was coming back. He was afraid, but he couldn't seem to stop it.
"Oh, no," said the voice, despair wrapped up with fear.
"Don't be sad. I don't want you to be sad. I think that's why I came. I was afraid you were unhappy." He struggled a bit, trying to focus.
"The one you call Rodney is here as well, but he is far weaker than you and I fear that unless you help him he will be lost. Please, Carson, concentrate."
"Rodney? He shouldn't be here." Carson struggled, fighting the darkness that was dragging him down. "Help me. I...I'm afraid. What should I do?"
"There is no need to be afraid. Atlantis will protect you, but you must be strong. Go to him. If you help him, I believe you will have enough to return to the others." The voice paused. "I will be safe here. When it is safe for you to return I will send a signal. Will that ease your mind?"
"Do you promise? I think I'll only come back if you don't." He sensed a third awareness, weaker than the voice, floating nearby, and he tried to move towards it as he spoke.
"I promise," he said, a smile in the words. "Go now. Rodney is weakening quickly."
He obeyed the orders, finally getting close enough to grab the other awareness. It was solid, not just a warmth around him like the voice was. "Now what? What should I do?"
"Concentrate. Let yourself feel. You will know the way from there." The voice was fading, to be replaced by a muttering chant, a nervous energy.
"Nononononono. Too dark. Too dark. Must find him. Must find him. Sheppard's gonna kill me. Kill me. But it's dark…too dark."
Carson wanted to cry. The pain from the darkness and the awareness starting to press too closely. "Stop, please stop! I can't concentrate unless you stop!" He wrapped his arms around the awareness, trying to share some of the fading warmth from the voice with the other.
The other awareness, voice, seemed to hear him, but the mutterings continued, only lowering in volume and intensity.
"Rod-ney. That's who you are, isn't it? The voice said I need to bring you back."
The muttering stopped for a moment, silence growing between them. "Yes. Carson?"
"I think so. That seems right. And I help people, right? In Atlantis? That's what I can remember."
"Yes. But I came to help…find…but it's dark and I'm lost and tired. So tired…"
"Yes, the voice says we have to concentrate on leaving. He promised to tell me when it was okay to come back, but that it isn't safe to be here right now. I'm afraid. I don't want the darkness to come back. Don't leave me, okay?"
"Don't think I can…"
"But we have to. Concentrate I mean. He says we have to think really hard. About Atlantis and going back to our friends. But you're one of my friends!" He felt a momentary burst of panic. If his friend was here, how could he go back? But there was another one. "John. He's my other friend, right? Think about going back to him."
"John was there. Angry at me…" He paused and then Carson suddenly felt an increase in awareness, of energy. "You need this."
"What?" Suddenly he could remember more. "Rodney! You shouldn't be here! We need to leave." He pushed, thinking hard about returning, about leaving. Just before he felt the darkness slide away completely, he called back to the voice. "Remember, you promised!"
"I remember. Take care of him. He knows more than you think."
"I will. Durand."
And then, suddenly, there was light, too much light. And noise. He heard someone call his name, call Rodney's name. But before he could respond, tell them he was okay, he felt himself falling into a different kind of darkness. This one bringing not pain, but silence and rest.
xxx
Rodney came back to consciousness slowly, groaning.
"I thought I said I'd kill you if you ever did that to me again." Sheppard's voice floated over to him.
"Wha…?" He just wanted to go back to sleep.
"Why the hell did you do that? We could have lost both of you!"
He groaned again, the loud voice screaming through his head. Sleep. Maybe if he could just sleep it would all go away.
"Come on, Rodney. Wake up, buddy. I need to know if you damaged anything that time."
"Tired…"
"Yeah, Matthews said you're suffering from exhaustion. But you need to wake up for a little while, get some solid food in you if you can, then I'll let you sleep."
He groaned, trying to open his eyes, trying to listen, but they were too heavy. Too much.
There was a hand on his arm, shaking him slightly. "Come on. I really need to know you're okay."
"Can't…need…sleep."
Sheppard sighed. "All right. Sleep then. I'm just happy you woke up this much, enough to know you aren't in a coma or anything. We'll chat about how you aren't allowed to do insanely stupid things like that ever again when you feel a bit more alert."
Rodney sighed, letting out a long breath as the edges of slumber encroached again. "Thanks…Carson…"
"We'll chat when you wake up." Sheppard's voice held an undertone of anger. "Sleep now."
"Sleep…"
And he did.
xxx
Carson stared at the white ceiling of the infirmary, counting tiles. He had heard the Colonel come in, heard the murmurs that meant he was talking to Rodney. That was good. Hopefully Rodney was going to be okay.
Soft footfalls made him wince, since he was pretty sure he recognized them. Pushing himself up slightly, he came face to face with a very unhappy Elizabeth Weir.
"Elizabeth—"
"Would you care to explain this?"
He felt his face harden slightly. "I was informed that a patient could be in danger, and I took steps to check on him. I ordered Rodney to stay here, and keep Colonel Sheppard out of it. I don't know why he was down there."
"You really expect him to stay behind when he was the one who discovered something was wrong? Carson," she said, closing her eyes for a moment, "Biro's not even sure if he's going to be okay. She thinks it's exhaustion…"
He slumped back into the bed. "He read a report, Elizabeth, and he was still bedridden. How was I supposed to know he would bully my staff into bringing him down there? And he will be fine, it's just exhaustion. I felt him give me some of his energy, to break us both free. Durand didn't have any extra to spare, and I didn't have enough to get us both out. I didn't realize until afterwards what he had done."
"And what exactly happened? I'm interested to know how both my chief scientist and medical officers are once again in the infirmary."
He closed his eyes. "I remember floating. It was dark, and...painful. I didn't have any memory of who I was or why I was there. Durand found me, forced me to focus enough to remember some. He told me I needed to leave, that it wasn't safe, and he would send us a signal of some sort when it was. He's the one who told me Rodney was there, and weak, and showed me how to break us both free."
She shook her head, disbelief in her eyes. "I'm not sure what to say at this point, Carson. You risked not only your life, but Rodney's too. And what if John had decided to just disconnect to two of you, what then? You should have heard him and Doctor Zelenka when neither of your would respond."
"I did'na ask them to come down! In fact, I knew it wasn't the safest thing to be doing, which is why I specifically told them not to! But Elizabeth, Durand was in there because of me. I convinced John to go with that solution. Do you have any idea...I couldn't have lived with myself if I just let it go, never knowing if I had killed someone without trying to help."
"So you decided to check out the neighborhood without any kind of support and without any regard for your own life?"
"What kind of support could anyone have offered? I knew if I gave them a chance to do anything, I was increasing the odds of Rodney doing something stupid. I underestimated how fast he could respond, yes, but I'm a doctor. If it comes down to a choice between risking my own life to help someone, and choosing to stay safe by leaving them alone, I'll always take the first option. I have to!"
"But Durand was out of your hands. He'd chosen the course he wanted. Why couldn't you leave it at that?"
"He wasn't and still isn't out of my hands. Every living creature is my patient and my responsibility. I have to do everything I can to keep them alive and well. I treated him the same way I treat everyone else—if I simply gave up on everyone who choose a self-destructive course, we wouldn't have much of an expedition left at all." He clenched his fists in the sheets. He had to make her understand.
"Carson," she said after nearly a minute, her voice weary. "I admire your dedication to your patients, I really do, but you did everything you could. You gave him two possibilities and —let me remind you—you approved of the one he ultimately picked. But it was his decision. You, in good conscience, cannot run after every single patient when a course of treatment doesn't go as expected. Just like you can't stop someone from going back out in the field after you've patched them up."
He looked away. "Durand said I care too much, too deep, to the point where I'll allow myself to come to harm in an attempt to help someone else. Maybe he's right. Maybe I shouldn't care that much. But I can't help it, Elizabeth. This wasn't a case of me treating someone and letting them go back into the field. It was like finding out I had cut off the wrong limb, and the person was dying because of my mistake."
"That's something you'd never do," she said, her voice firm. "We're…I'm just worried about the recklessness I'm seeing in you. I expect it in John, even Rodney to a certain degree, but you were my anchor—the voice of reason even when I didn't want to hear it. What changed?"
He swallowed hard. All the faces of the people he had indirectly killed since coming here flitting in front of his eyes. The Hoffan people. Michael. All those Wraith-turned-humans. "I don't want to lose anyone else. I...Elizabeth I've hurt so many people, I don't know if I can bare to lose any more. I have to...have to make up for it somehow."
"And you do, everyday." Her eyes were firm and kind. Moving forward, she rested her hand on his arm. "You continue to put us back together when we fall apart. I could never ask for someone more dedicated, kind, or caring. Just think about the people here, your friends and colleagues, while you have a little time." He offered a weak smile. "I think Doctor Biro is going to let you get back to work once you've rested a little while longer."
"Aye. Thank you. I'll try, and I'll think about what you said."
"Please do," she said, patting his arm as she moved away, revealing a hovering John Sheppard in the background.
"She's right, you know," he said, pulling up a chair and settling into it.
He closed his eyes, knowing he was closer to tears than he really liked. It had been a long week. "You were listening."
"Not intentionally and not for the whole thing. Caught the end mostly."
He sighed. "I never intended for Rodney to follow me."
"But you know how he is. You should have heard the panic in his voice. He was scared, worried that something might happen." His clothing rustled as he shifted. "And he was right, as usual."
Carson shuddered slightly, knowing better than John how close they had come to losing Rodney again. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I don't seem to be making many good decisions lately."
"I just wish you hadn't rushed into it. We could have gone down together as a group to check. It took Rodney all of five minutes to know something had changed and then, he had to act on it." He paused. "I just wish you would have talked to me, trusted me."
"I...didn't think you would care. Your priority was always Rodney, where it should have been. I was the only one who was divided, insistent on saving them both."
"And if you talk to Rodney, he was upset that you did!" Sheppard paused. "Which is part of an entirely different conversation I need to have with him when he'll stay awake longer than half a second. How a genius like him could even think that we'd rather have an Ancient walking around in his body instead of him is beyond me."
"He doesn't realize how much we need him. For an intelligent man, he can be a bit dense sometimes." Carson shook his head.
"No kidding," John said, chuckling lightly. "Applies to someone else I know, too."
Carson felt his cheeks redden. "I, ah... My patients' lives come before my own, Colonel. But, I see yours and Elizabeth's point. Maybe I have been a wee bit reckless lately. It just hurts to think of losing someone else when there could still be something I can do to save them."
"Trust us. Let us help you."
"I'll try." He cleared his throat, and tried for an unobtrusive swipe of his sleeve across his face. "So, ah, how's Rodney doing?"
"Sleeping, like you should be for a bit."
He managed a short chuckle. "Aye, I must admit, I'm feeling a bit worn out."
John patted his arm. "I imagine so. Get some rest. When you wake up, it'll be time to gang up on Rodney I imagine—if he's awake by then. I'm just grateful he slept through Biros' exam. I can't imagine the fuss he would have made…"
Carson smiled at him. "Aye, time to put Rodney through the ringer a bit. And Colonel? Thanks."
"Anytime, Carson. Anytime."
xxx
Rodney knew he woke up several times over the course of the next day or so, only to quickly fall back to sleep even though various people—Carson, Sheppard, Weir, Zelenka, and Anne—demanded he stay awake.
He was just so tired.
The last time he woke it was sometime in the middle of the night and Sheppard was sprawled in a chair next to the bed, head back, snoring up a storm. If only he had a picture of the drool.
He was finally awake though. Tired, yes, but not the all-out exhaustion from before. His eyes drifted closed again and he took a deep breath, relaxing back into the mattress, enjoying the feeling of not having to be anywhere or do anything. He shifted, the bed creaking a little, and the rattle of Sheppard's snores stopped suddenly.
"Decided to join the living again?" The words were still a bit sleep-slurred.
"Wha…" he said, or at least tried to, but his voice was a little weak and rusty.
"You've been sleeping the better part of several days. We were starting to get worried." Sheppard was more awake now, and had sat up to see Rodney's face better.
"Was tired," he said, shifting a little, his eyes glancing around the area. "Water?"
"Yeah. You've been through quite a bit. Here." A straw appeared in front of Rodney's mouth.
He took a sip, letting the cool wetness swirl around his mouth before he swallowed. He took another mouthful before nodding. "Thanks." It felt better but his voice wasn't as loud as normal. "And I did talk to Anne."
"Ordering someone to shut the hell up so you can sleep isn't really talking, McKay." Sheppard sounded amused.
"Maybe in your world it isn't." He paused, letting his eyes wander around the empty room. "What time is it anyway?"
John glanced at his watch. "Early. 0600. That's why it's so quiet."
"Oh." He glanced at the Colonel. "I woke you. Sorry."
"Nah, I've been catching sleep at odd hours. I'm all turned around, so nothing to worry about."
"Okay," he said, shrugging. "Then forget I apologized."
Sheppard grinned. "Forgotten."
"Good. Now that we've gotten past that, I should consider sleep again. God, I can't seem to get enough of it."
"Yeah, about that. What do you remember about your little trip? Carson told me what he can remember, but I'm trying to get to the bottom of exactly what happened."
"What do you mean?"
Sheppard sighed. "I just want to know what the hell happened to you two in there. Why you followed him in to a potential 'brain fry' situation in the first place is another conversation we'll be having shortly as well."
Rodney shifted uncomfortable by the question. "I don't remember much, actually. I went in thinking that I had to make sure Carson could get out. At the rate things were changing in there, I knew something was wrong and Carson wouldn't know what to look for or what to do. But, it wasn't anything I was expecting."
"What were you expecting? How was it different?"
"I expected…logic, order. Instead it was chaos and darkness." He paused, feeling his cheeks reddening. "I couldn't think much past that, actually."
Sheppard looked at him, his face thoughtful. "Beckett said it was like drifting in darkness and pain with no awareness other than that. He told us it was Durand who somehow helped him get it together enough to get you both out again."
"The sheer lack of…order…" he shivered, thinking back, his chest tightening a little.
"Doesn't sound pleasant. Which makes me wonder why you felt the need to go in there in the first place. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I didn't expect it to be like that! Durand's an Ancient! They're logical, ordered, precise. I figured a little tap on Carson's shoulder to remind him about us and we'd be out."
"He was in pain! Even before you made him whimper, you could see it on his face. Did that look like ordered and logical to you?"
"Maybe it was…lunch related, or something…I don't know. I just had to get him out of there. I didn't want him to be caught in something if Durand was still altering it, changing it. What if he's gotten pulled into the whole VR matrix? We would have never gotten him back."
"Fine, I can understand wanting to get him out, but by following him in? Rodney, we nearly lost both of you. I was about ready to have Zelenka pull the plug on the whole thing to try and get you both out. I can usually count on you to stay as far away from potentially life-threatening situations as possible. Why did you deliberately go in there?"
Rodney looked at the Colonel for a long moment before turning away, his gaze resting on something on the other side of the room. "It was my fault he was there in the first place. I didn't…anticipate his reaction to what I told him about the VR environment."
"What is it with the two of you and the whole guilt thing? Did you snort something when we left you in the jumper on Sateda? Because he gave me the same lame excuse about it being his fault you were in that position. No one was at fault for anything, it was just bad luck."
"Just let it drop, Sheppard."
"No, I'm not letting it drop. Rodney, talk to me. What's really wrong here?"
"Nothing." He shifted, rolling his weight to turn on his side away from the Colonel.
"Rodney, look, when has ignoring me ever worked? I can be damn irritating when I put my mind to it, and I want to know what's going on. What's with the comments about Beckett saving Durand instead of you?"
"Trust me on this. An Ancient is worth far more than me."
"Now, see, that's where you're wrong. I wouldn't want an Ancient on my team. I don't really think I'd like to spend my free afternoons annoying an Ancient. I really don't think I'd like to see what choices an Ancient would have for team movie night. Not only that, but the guy lived thousands of years ago in a really different universe. Quite frankly I'd rather have you by my side snarking at me than an Ancient any day."
Rodney turned back to him, knowing his emotions were on the surface. "There's going to come a time when I can't fix the city anymore and people are going to die. I'm not talking about one or two, I'm talking lots of them. It's not going to be pretty and it's going to be damn painful, but at that very moment you'll know exactly what I mean."
"No, Rodney, because if that moment ever comes, I'll know you did pretty much anything that could have been done, because honestly, you're far smarter than that guy was. He might have the gene, but hey, so do I. Just point out what you want blown up, and I'll take care of it for you. But the fact remains that you are the only person I want standing beside me fixing the science stuff while I protect you. Because he might be an Ancient, but we have a lot of technology that wasn't Ancient, and you're still finding and exploring new stuff. He would have been stuck on only using what he knew. You're innovative and brilliant, and that's a potent combination."
"And I know nothing compared to him!"
Sheppard ran a hand though his hair. "Look, maybe I'm not saying this right. Rodney, you're the reason we're doing this. Atlantis, all of it. You push the rest of us to be smarter, better, and you remind us why we're fighting. An Ancient may be smart, but has some serious issues about morality and right versus wrong. I wouldn't fight to protect him, wouldn't give my life to give him a few more minutes to work."
"You don't know that from all of a day of talking to him. In the grand scheme of things I'm the lesser model, trust me."
"I do know that from a day of talking to him. He was perfectly okay with abandoning this galaxy when things got rough, because the people on those planets didn't matter. They weren't Ancients. We can't do this without you. We need you here to shoot down our ideas when we get it wrong, to inspire us to be better. Damn it, Rodney, you're my friend, and I can't remember the last time I could say that."
Rodney looked at him for a long moment, before shaking his head. "That was a nice speech, Colonel. Practice it in front of the mirror before you came in here?"
He let out a long sigh. "No, actually, and I really wish I never had to say any of that, because when you're feeling better, I know I'm never going to hear the end of it. If I had known you were going to push me to say it, I might have just pretended to stay asleep. Face it, Rodney, you're stuck with me."
"Well, on that note, I think it's past my bedtime. Night, Colonel," he said, rolling over onto his side, his back to Sheppard. In his mind the conversation was closed.
John started poking him in the back.
He grunted, but ignored him.
The Colonel only poked harder. "Rod-ney," he sing-songed.
"What?" He pushed the word out through gritted teeth.
John continued to poke.
"What are you twelve?" Sighing, he finally turned over, not intending to swing his arm…or land a rather awkward punch.
"Ow! You just punched me! Geeze, this is the thanks I get. Try to convince the scientific genius that when it comes to people he doesn't know squat and isn't in any way shape or form irreplaceable, and he punches you."
Rodney could feel his eyes were wide in shock. "I didn't mean to…but it's your own fault for sitting so close and aggravating me. And you're not even bleeding."
"It could be broken. I think you broke my nose. I'll be forever scarred. People will point at my crooked nose, and say things like, 'That's what happens when you tell Rodney McKay the truth. He goes and hits you.'"
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Like I said. No blood. No broken bones. Go back to sleep. You were much more peaceful when you were snoring."
Sheppard batted his eyes at him. "And he isn't ever sorry he broke my nose. First he thinks I lie to him, then he isn't sorry when he punches me. I'll be known as Rodney's Bane."
Rodney shook his head, something in his chest breaking just a little more. Right now, teasing was the last thing he needed or wanted. If Sheppard wouldn't leave him alone he knew a nice quiet spot he could go. Leaning down he turned off the IV before yanking it from his arm, watching as a small drop of blood appeared in its place.
Sheppard grabbed his arm. "Rodney. What do you think you're doing? Look, just, I know I suck at this. But think about this, okay? We need you here. You aren't replaceable. Didn't you hear Zelenka before? You're the best qualified for your job, and not only that, but you can't be replaced on my team. I honestly don't know what else I can say. But I'd rather you stay here where they can keep an eye on you and leave myself than let you go gallivanting again." John rose to his feet and headed for the door. "I thought I had lost you not once, but twice. I nearly killed Beckett when I didn't think he was working fast enough. And I thought my heart was going to stop when you stuck your arm in that chair and followed him. That was one of the worst moments of my life."
Rodney felt his eyes widen, but he didn't say anything. Couldn't. It was as if Sheppard had managed to suck all the words out of the room with that speech. A speech Sheppard never should have had to give. A speech he never deserved to hear.
Watching as Sheppard turned and walked away, Rodney leaned back against the pillows, suddenly exhausted. A glimpse at the IV and he knew he'd hear it from Carson, but right now he didn't care.
Curling up as best he could, he groaned and whimpered a little before slumber found him once again.
xxx
Carson saw John leave, knowing he had probably just had it out with Rodney. Did either of them ever sleep? Although to be fair, he was up because he couldn't sleep either. He didn't go back on duty for another few hours, so he figured he would come check on his primary patient and see how he was doing.
Rodney was sleeping, his IV torn out. Did the man live to make his life interesting? He carefully re-inserted it, careful not to jostle too much or wake him up. Sometimes that was easier said than done, but Rodney must still be pretty tired, since all he did was mumble a little.
He really didn't feel like starting on the backlog of paperwork just yet, so he sat down in the visitor's chair, thinking he would stay for a few minutes before heading out. His friend's breathing lulled him, however, and he felt himself start awake at a grunt from the bed. Peeking at his watch, he saw it was 0800. His shift started in another thirty minutes. Just enough time to chat.
"Rodney?"
The man shifted a little, but didn't say a word. The body in front of him was a shade tenser than it had been a few minutes ago.
Carson sighed, then leaned back. "All right." He wasn't sure what question he was answering, or if he was agreeing with something.
The muscles tensed again.
"I know you're angry with me. I'm sorry. I didn't think you would follow me in after Durand. I guess getting you almost killed is becoming a habit."
Rodney sighed. "Not angry," came the muffled response.
"You should be."
"I'm not. I'm tired."
"Why did you follow me? Why didn't you let me go?"
Rodney finally opened an eye, looking at him. He shifted again, turning on to his back, his head angled toward him. "Too valuable a resource."
Carson sighed. "I'm not so sure about that. When it comes down to it, they can get another doctor in here, easy enough. There are dozens in line waiting for the chance. But they can't replace you. If I had gotten you killed, I'm not sure anyone here would ever have forgiven me."
"They would have replaced me in a heartbeat. You should see the line of scientists waiting to take my place—here and on Earth." Rodney sighed. "What is it with you and Sheppard with all of this touchy-feely stuff in the god-awful early hours of the morning?"
"Was that why he was here? He seems to have appointed himself head of the 'Cheer Up the Civilians' committee."
"All I know is that he woke me up with his drooling and snoring and then insisted on talking." McKay shifted on the bed again, trying to get comfortable.
Carson laughed softly. "Aye, he waited until after Elizabeth nearly fired me to have our little chat."
"And?"
"I finally agreed to think about it."
"Ouch," he said, raising an eyebrow. "He made you think? That's harsh."
"I was'na happy with him for making me agree to it. But he wouldn't leave me alone, and it was either that or have a break down."
"Ah."
"Rodney, I...when I was floating, I don't think I would have been able to come back alone. Durand didn't have enough power to force me, and I was losing myself. The only reason I finally did was because I felt you there too, and I knew I couldn't let you die with me."
"And…you're telling me this…why?"
Carson was silent for a long time. "I'm not sure. I wasn't going to. The fact that I was ready to give up and let go isn't exactly the kind of thing I want you to know. Durand kept pushing me to concentrate, but I couldn't really remember much, not until it was no longer my life I was saving, but yours."
"Me and another one of my great plans bites the big one." Rodney rolled his eyes, looking away.
"Great plans?"
Rodney's hand waved absently, the gesture quiet, smaller than usual. "The whole me going in there to make sure you didn't get pulled into whatever it was he was doing."
"If you hadn't, I would have been lost. I was already slipping away. Durand held it back for a little while, but just before you arrived, I was...drifting away. I was so tired... It would have been so easy to let go."
"And the only think I could do was curl up in a ball. Very heroic. I can't even get out of my own way."
"You were fighting. I could hear you. You kept saying you had to get me and get out. You gave me your energy, which was what finally gave me enough of a boost to remember who I was, what I had to do." He sighed, looking away.
"At least something worked, even though I have no memory of that happening. Guess we shouldn't look a gift horse and all that whatnot..."
"Didn't you wonder why you've been so tired? You bloody well gave everything you had to me. Honestly though, I think we would have been a lot better off if you had saved your energy for yourself. At least you save lives by giving them new technology, new ways to fight. I just manage to kill off entire populations." Carson rose, not looking at Rodney. "I need to get to work. My shift is getting ready to start."
"Carson," Rodney said, calling after him, sitting up with a groan, his body tilting to the side.
He turned around, moving back to keep Rodney from toppling out of bed. "Don't overdo it. Your body still needs rest. I'll have Anne check in on you later, and if you're up to it, I'll discharge you tonight. At this point, all you need is rest, and you can probably get that better in your own quarters."
"That would be nice," Rodney admitted, grabbing Carson's arm before he stepped away. "Don't think you're the only one with ghosts to fend off."
Carson tried to pull away, a bit surprised at how strong the grip was. "I know, and I'm sorry. I did'na mean to tell you... I really need to go."
"No. Wait a minute. I don't have the energy to chase you."
Carson stilled, although he was ready to run should it become necessary. "I'm sorry, Rodney. I know you've been through a lot, and you don't need my worries dragging you down. You have enough on your plate, you need to focus on getting better."
"And I'll get better." He offered a weak smile, releasing his grip and letting Carson step back. "Look, I know you find yourself thinking about Michael and his merry band of Wraith and the Hoffans and others, but think of it this way. If it wasn't because of our failures…my failures to find other solutions, to get us some other kind of protection…you would never have been in that situation in the first place. Just keep that in mind."
Carson couldn't help but flinch as his mistakes were cataloged. He knew McKay didn't mean it that way, but it still hurt. "I... Rodney...you've saved me more than once. Saved all of us. And what do I do? I go out and murder the people you just went to all that trouble over. And if that wasn't bad enough, I have to go and create a damn virus that almost gets our own people killed." He was backing away, shaking his head. "I'm sorry. I need... I have to go." And he fled.
xxx
Rodney was bored. After sleeping for most of the past few days, his body had finally decided it was time to be awake. Without a laptop—they'd hidden the one he'd managed to wheedle out of Radek the last time—he found himself with way too much time on his hands.
Which, of course, led to thinking…which, in his case was generally a bad thing when there wasn't a problem or a crisis involved.
Anne had popped her head in a few times, mostly to make sure he was still breathing and to bring him some food, but hadn't been very conversational. He meant to ask what the fading bruises were from on her neck, but she'd been skittish.
Maybe Carson would come back and release him. At least in his quarters he' be able to stare at different walls.
Several hours later Carson appeared at the foot of his bed—the damn man was too quiet for his own good—looking down at the paperwork in his hands. "All right, I think it's about time we let you out of here. I'm going to release you, but I have some conditions."
Rodney raised an eyebrow, but tried to hold back his exasperation. "Conditions?"
"Aye, I want you to make an appointment with Doctor Heightmeyer. You've been through a lot in the last week, so humor me. Also," he took a small bottle out of his pocket, "these are a mild relaxant—Anne told me she gave you a few once already. They are on an as-needed basis; take two if you have any nightmares, or find yourself starting to panic. I don't want you taking more than four in any twenty-four-hour period, though, so on the off chance you find yourself wanting to, come see me and I'll re-evaluate the dosage."
Rodney took the bottle from Carson's hands, shaking it slightly. More drugs. Fun. "Anything else?
"Of course. You're on light duty for the next three days—that means I had better not hear about you staying in the labs until all hours of the night. After that, come back for a follow-up and if everything checks out, I'll clear you for full, active duty. You'll probably find that you still tire easily for a bit, so I'd suggest getting out and moving as much as you feel able to. Walking and movement will help build your stamina back up."
"I'm actually allowed to go back to work?"
"Let me stress again—light duty. That means no more than a few hours in the labs at a shot. Nothing strenuous, no working twelve-hours at a time hunched over a screen."
"Fine. I'm not ten you know. I do understand the English language."
Carson shot him an amused look. "Aye, and how many times have I released you from the infirmary on light duty, only to discover you went straight to work, not stopping until you passed out and had to be hauled back here?"
"There were extenuating circumstances…"
"Right, such as scientists working unsupervised for a few days. Just try not to throw yourself into relapse on purpose. If I didn't know how much you hated it here, I'd think you were looking for reasons to come visit me. Why do you think I waited until the end of the day to release you this time?"
"It's not like I know anything that's going on in my own department," he grumbled. "No one will give me a laptop."
"Then catching up will give you something productive to do without over-taxing you, won't it?"
"Sure." He rolled his eyes, glancing at the bottle in his hands. "Anything else?"
"Not unless you have any questions. Do you want help getting back to your quarters, or think you can manage on your own? Anne will bring your uniform by as soon as we're done."
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
Carson hesitated for a moment. "I'll be getting done with my shift in another half-hour, and I haven't had supper yet. If you feel up to it, and want the company, I can bring something to your room, or meet you in the mess hall."
Rodney glanced up, looking him over for a moment before replying. "I'm not in the mood for a whole spectacle in the mess."
"I could stop and get something to bring. If you were interested."
Rodney shrugged. "If you want. I wouldn't want to put you out."
Carson offered a shy smile. "Not at all. I'd like the company too. Other than too much caffeine and/or chocolate, any preferences?"
"No. Nothing. Not really all that hungry. Besides, you know what I like and what I'll actually eat better than me usually."
"Some of that is the sleep talking. And we've been giving you nutrients through the IV, but once you get some solid food in you, you'll probably feel more hungry." Carson offered a grin. "Is there anything you won't eat? You're the only person I know who actually likes MREs."
"Well, you know me and citrus…"
"I promise, there will be no citrus involved. I'll even stay away from drinking lemonade myself."
"Good to know." He glanced back down at his hands, not really sure what else to say. It wasn't as if they left the last conversation on a high note. He glanced up sheepishly. "Anything else?"
Carson shook his head. "I have some paperwork I need to finish up before I leave. Anne should be right along with your clothes, and then I'll see you in a bit." He smiled, and turned to head back in the direction of his office.
"Thanks," he finally said, just before Carson was out of earshot.
Carson half-turned to look back. He didn't say anything, but smiled again before disappearing around a corner.
Sighing, Rodney leaned back on the bed waiting for Anne and his uniform to appear. At least there was light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
xxx
Carson knew he had been a coward. He had started out wanting to try to make Rodney understand how needed he was, but had let his own problems get the better of him. He had pulled it together, and was determined that he would do whatever was necessary to make sure his friend understood how valuable he was, not just for his brain, but for himself.
Going through the mess, he quickly picked out things he knew Rodney would like, and that had some nutritional value—the man could be a garbage disposal when he wasn't paying attention. They had a few cups of the blue Jell-O he knew Rodney was particularly fond of, so he snagged the last ones to bring along as well. Passing up the coffee—he had to draw the line somewhere, and feeding a caffeine addiction wasn't on the agenda—he got a thermos of hot herbal tea, no lemon, and one of cold water.
Arriving at Rodney's door, he stood awkwardly for a moment trying to figure out how to knock with both hands busy keeping the tray balanced. He finally settled on kicking it a few times.
It took a few minutes before the door opened, Rodney rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"Uh…sorry," he said, gesturing toward the rumpled bed. "I was…ah…sleeping, I guess."
Carson shook his head, a smile on his lips. "Aye, you'll be doing a lot of that over the next few days. I can leave this here if you want, and we can do this another night."
"No, it's okay," he replied, still obviously a little bleary-eyed, but waving him in. "Not like I'm doing anything productive."
"I promise I won't keep you up too long. If you start to feel tired again, let me know and I'll leave." He walked over and set the tray down on the desk, careful not to get it too close to the laptop.
"You'll probably know when I fall asleep in my plate," Rodney commented, dropping down on the end of the bed, watching as Carson puttered around. "This is ridiculous. I can't even carry on a normal conversation."
"It will get better, I promise. That's why I suggested getting up and moving around as much as you can. You'll build your stamina back up pretty quickly that way." He handed a plate over with a grin. "Just try not to drown in the mashed potatoes. I'm not sure how I would explain that to my staff."
"The gravy up my nose would be hard to explain I imagine," he said with a half smile, poking at the food with his fork.
"Aye, and the temptation to stick imitation carrots in your ears to complete the picture might just be too much to resist."
Rodney shot him a surprised and perturbed glance before looking back down toward his plate.
"Like you haven't contemplated vegetablizing anyone before. Don't deny it."
"Actually, that's one urge I've never had. Sorry," he shrugged, pushing around the potatoes on his plate, watching and the gravy filled up the valleys and began to blend in.
"Rodney, stop playing with your food and at least try to eat something."
"Is it my fault that nothing looks appetizing?"
Carson sighed. "How about the Jell-O? I've never seen you pass up Jell-O, even when you couldn't hold anything solid down."
He deposited the plate on the end of the desk and shook his head. "For some reason the jiggling is just making me nauseous." He glanced at Carson before looking away, his gaze settling on a section of stained glass in the far window.
Carson just looked at him for a moment. Then he set his own plate aside. "Rodney, I consider you a friend, one of my closest actually. I'd like to think you consider me the same way. If there's something wrong, you can talk to me. You know that, right?"
"What?" Rodney turned back to Carson, his forehead scrunching up. "Why? Do you think something's wrong?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you've made several comments out of character, you have no appetite, and I've never seen you this subdued, even in the infirmary with the life-threatening injury of the week."
"Oh." He paused again, his gaze at least staying on the doctor this time. "It's nothing…just been thinking a bit."
"So talk to me. Sometimes it helps to have someone to bounce ideas off of."
Rodney huffed and shook his head. "Like I said, it's nothing. It'll pass."
"Will it? For a man this smart, you seem to be remarkably stupid sometimes." Carson just shook his head. "It's not nothing, otherwise you wouldn't be so—not yourself. Usually you head back to the labs as soon as I release you, even if you can barely stand or see straight. I have to fight you to get you to follow basic recovery protocols, and yet this time, you're just doing what you're told. It might make my job easier as your doctor, but as your friend, it has me worried."
Rodney scowled. "What is this? You yell at me when I don't follow your instructions and you yell at me when I do? Talk about mixed signals. Like I said: I'm fine. I just need to think some things through. Can you just leave it at that?"
"I'm not yelling at you. I'm worried about you, there's a difference. I can respect that you want some time to think, especially after everything that's happened, but given what you said to Colonel Sheppard, I wanted to make sure you weren't convincing yourself you weren't necessary or wanted. I fought to save both you and Durand, but if it had come down to a choice, I would have saved you over him."
Rodney's eyes narrowed, his body tensing as he rose unsteadily to his feet, moving toward the other side of the room. "Carson," he said, his voice harder than it had been. "I trust you and I am…glad to be back. Can't you just leave it alone?"
Carson closed his eyes briefly, trying to gather his thoughts. "Aye, I probably could. I could leave now, and we could both go on our merry way. But then I would have been a pretty bad friend, if I didn't make an effort to get to the bottom of why you're retreating from us. If you really want me to leave, if you don't want me here, just say so, and I'll go." He could feel himself tense up.
It was a few moments before Rodney finally replied, his expression sliding from anger and frustration into something softer, regretful even. "Right now, it might be better if you did." He wouldn't meet his gaze.
"'Might be better' isn't the same as 'please leave'. I don't want to leave you here like this Rodney, even if it might be better. I miss the egotistical physicist terrorizing my nurses and the science staff, and never failing to make me smile, even when he is being a daft bugger. Most of Atlantis misses that person. You have no idea how many people we had to ban from the infirmary while you were sick. No idea how many showed up begging for news, for ways they could help. Radek and I had to lock the labs when we were working to prevent the other scientists from trying to help and getting in the way."
Rodney closed his eyes and turned away, the slump of his shoulders even more pronounced. "I know you mean well," he began, the words quiet and slow in coming. He turned back, his gaze intense. "But I need to get my head around a few things and this," he said his hand waving between them, "is just making it more difficult for both of us. I…" he broke off, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "I need some time. Is that so much to ask?"
Carson sighed, allowing his emotions to show for only a moment before he shoved them back behind his professional mask. "I'll leave the tray here in case you get hungry later. Try to eat at least a little bit of something, since without the IV you'll need the sugar. You know where to find me if you need anything else." He gathered up his own tray and headed for the door.
A quiet "thank you" followed him out the door.
Carson paused outside as the door closed behind him, letting himself slump against the wall for a second before moving on. This wasn't his specialty. He healed bodies, not minds, and he really had no idea if leaving would do more harm than good. He only hoped Rodney would find his own way back, and that the other man knew that when he was ready to talk, Carson was there. Now, all he could do was wait and watch.
xxx
